Thursday, December 31, 2009

My Goals for 2010

I hate New Year's resolutions. I kind of feel like they are an excuse to put of good-behavior ("it's December 17th and I should really work on sticking to a budget - I'll do that for my New Year's resolution and then I don't have to start for another few weeks!"). I also hate that once people mess up on said resolutions they practically give up on even trying again. ("Oops. It's January 13th and I ate too many cookies! Guess my New Year's resolution to lose weight is over. Pass the cookies!")

I have 2 things I'd really like to do this year. (Well, 4, but I'll touch on the others, too)

1) Lose fat. I'm seriously hoping to get pregnant this year, but I know that I can still lose fat content, even if I don't lose pounds due to the pregnancy. (Which is what I did the last time)

2) Start writing again. I know that I can write every day, thanks to NaBloPoMo. I mentioned at the end of that, that I wasn't crazy about writing 7 days a week, but I was inspired by Maggie who wrote a novel during the month of November for NaNoWriMo. I'm going to figure out monthly goals (since I've currently got no ideas, I'm going to have to start slow) and I AM going to stick to them.

3) Have a baby. Only God and nature can really control this, so it's a goal, and I'm going to do anything in my power to accomplish it, but there is truly only so much I can do.

4) Be a better mom. I'm on my way to this already. This new training system is really helping both her behavior and my temper. But there is always room for improvement. This will likely be one of those that I renew every year for the rest of my life, no matter how well I do the year before. It was certainly on my list for 2009.

What are YOUR goals for 2010?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I can be a better mom...

I have discovered a few random things about my ability to parent that I'd like to share.

1. I am a better mother when I am caffeinated. (Also see: I am a better parent with a shot of espresso)

2. I like being a mother better when my child is well-behaved. (Also see: It is easier to like her when she isn't driving me crazy)

The first is obvious. I get caffeine withdrawal headaches and nobody is a good mom when they have a headache. Also, the extra energy burst can't hurt when functioning on the small amount of sleep attributed to mothers of infants, or when chasing a very active toddler.

The second seems obvious, but until we started this new system that we've been using, I didn't realize that 1) it was effecting me as much as it was and 2) it actually could be noticeably better than it was.

We are using the book "To Train Up a Child" (I can't remember the first name of the man, but it's written by a married couple with the last name of Pearl and her name is Debi). They stress the idea of "training" more than discipline. Basically, teaching the child your expectations instead of reacting to a new negative behavior. It is really working for us.

My sister gave me the book (also a couple of others along the same vein) and it's kind of nice to think that I've got a few of my sister's child-rearing secrets up my sleeve. Most of the time, my nephews and nieces are incredibly well-behaved. (They have annoying moments or habits, but who doesn't?) But the biggest thing is that they obey as soon as they are told something. And that, to me, is priceless.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Christmas recap

We have a very silly little girl around here. On Christmas Day there was just too much going on and there was no nap. Surprisingly, she remained happy, cheerful and very pleasant, but think this might have something to do with her aunts Yazz (J) and Zizi (LP). They entertain her like nobody else. I think J read her almost every book she received for Christmas, and believe me, there were plenty of them.

In the morning when she (finally) woke up (I do not expect this to last to next Christmas - I believe this is the last Christmas we will be sleeping in for at least the next 20 years...) she began opening presents, but ultimately got tired and distracted by that, so had 2 more to open later on. Of course, one of them was her big present (a doll) from Santa. She loved them. Wanted to play with them all as soon as she opened them. She's fascinated with all her new things and flits from one to another when we leave them all out. (I'm working on getting her to pick up things when she finishes playing with them, but I imagine this will be a long process, though I admit that she is doing a pretty good job).

My mom had made a big deal about wanting to come over early to exchange gifts before everyone else came over. Of course, she didn't show up when she said she would and was in fact, running so far behind that she also hadn't yet actually cooked the casserole she was responsible for bringing...

The family began showing around 1:00 and everyone was here by 2:00. We began serving around 2:30. It was a happy time - we all had more than enough food and fellowship.

It was a wonderful Christmas full of family and laughter.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Though we adore them individually...

"... we agree that as a group, they're rather stupid."* This has been running through my head over the last day or so when I'm inwardly grumbling about the males in my house (my husband and our 2 dogs) who have kept me awake for hours (combined) over the last few nights making noises. (Snoring and scratching, respectively.) My daughter has also had restless sleep, but her noises are much easier to deal with, since she wakes, cries, and then (usually) puts herself back to sleep. We finally got a cold snap that lasted more than 36 hours and now it seems to be taking it's effect on those who are nearest and dearest. Snarfly noses, snoring, and extremely cold feet seem to be the most bothersome features. I was ready for the cold, but I'm wishing the ill-effects would leave us alone.

I had my last work day of the week today! Here's to 3-day work weeks, let me just say. I could so deal with that. Now for the cleaning frenzy. It's too bad that I'm not in the mood. guess I'd better snap out of that, huh?

We're working on a knew behavior technique with the Fuss. (Side note: I asked her what her name was today and she answered, "Fuss." I guess I call her that often enough that she thinks it's her name. Huh.) It requires me to be more active with her (in other words, I have to be more on top of dealing with problems, regardless of what I am doing at the time) and sometimes it requires us to be more stubborn than she is when we need to get our way (not your will, but mine!) but so far, it seems to be working. And mostly I'm able to keep my temper by nipping it in the bud before things get out of hand. But I need to learn to think about what I'm telling her to do before I say it, since I then have to act immediately if she disobeys. On the other hand, she's learned the word "obey" rather quickly.

I am very much looking forward to this weekend - we even have a few hours of babysitting (Thanks to Aunt "Yass") on Saturday and Daddy Fuss and I are going to a movie! I cannot wait.



*Taken from what Disney musical? Do ya know it? And if you don't, you should.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Yeah. My internet still isn't working.

This post brought to you by the unsuspecting neighbor whom I'm borrowing internet from. Again.

All of the presents on my list (and a few that weren't on my list) have been bought, my 23.5 lb turkey (Archibald, but we call him Archie) is hangin' out in my fridge and my Christmas cards have (finally) been sent. Those who live across the country (hi, Maggie) will likely get theirs after Christmas, but the cute smile on my baby girl will be worth it anyhow.

I have cleaning to do, of course, but most of it is manageable. My husband spent 2-3 hours on Sunday in the kitchen making casseroles for the week so we don't have food prep to deal with, messing up the kitchen. I even made a killer batch of spiced pecans yesterday and I must say they are delicious. Yum.

I've had a few spasms of sadness the last few days, thinking about the baby that I lost - when it's been awhile since I thought about it, it hurts more the first time. We're in full-swing trying again and I might know by New Year's (which would be nice, since we have plans that involve alcohol for the non-expecting). Since the only thing I truly want for Christmas for than anything is the one thing no one can give me, (a baby) I am much more laid back this year about what I am being given. I am so excited for Fuss to open her presents - I think she's going to be fascinated. And I am incredibly relieved that I will be able to trade out the board books we keep at work for some that I don't have memorized, ha ha.

In case I don't get back on here for the next few days, I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. I hope that your time with family and friends is joyful and that you make the time to remember that Jesus is the reason for the season. I'm searching my house for my copy of "The Mark of the Maker" which is my favorite version of the Christmas story - a version that makes the story a lot more personal. If you ever have the chance, I suggest you read it. It gives a lot more depth to the personality of Joseph, especially.

Friday, December 18, 2009

7 Quick Takes (Christmas 2009 edition)

1. We had 24 adults invited to Christmas dinner at our house, knowing that some wouldn't come, but not knowing which ones those people were. When most of my side made other plans, we totaled 10 and then added 2 adults and 2 kids to our list. When all my step-brothers (and their significant others) told their dad they wouldn't be available afterall, my mom asked if we could include them afterall. So we are at 14 adults and 3 kids under 3. Should be interesting.

2. I wanted to have a small gift for the cousin's kids that would be in attendance during gift-opening time. I had no idea what to get an almost-3-yr-old boy and just-barely-1-yr-old girl (I should know that, though, huh?) that also didn't cost much since I hadn't budgeted for those gifts originally. I called my friend Meg who has a 3-yr-old son for ideas for the boy and scoured the aisles at the -Mart store I was at for an idea for the girl. Ultimately, I ended up with a set of Hot Wheels cars for the boy and bought some pretty nice board books at the dollar store for the girl (one of Fuss's favorite things is books, and that's been the case for awhile, so I figured, why not?)

3. I haven't bought our turkey yet. Is that bad?

4. I'm tempted to buy disposable cooking dishes for both the turkey and the stuffing and anything else I've committed to making so that I have even less to deal w/ post-Christmas. Is that wasteful and completely horrible for the environment?

5. We never got our outside lights up and the only opportunity we will have between now and Christmas is this weekend. Is it silly to put up the lights a week before Christmas? We usually take them down shortly after New Year's.

6. I had the worst time picking out the template for our photo card, because for some reason, my standard-size picture wasn't fitting properly on the cards, why is that? But I found one that I liked, so there we go. I'm not nearly as impressed by this year's picture as I was by last year's (last year we had a friend who is a professional photographer take our pics and the only problem with it was that 9+ month old Fuss wasn't smiling).

7. My under-tree is overflowing with presents. We have an antique trunk that we set up our half-sized tree on, and I just ran out of room this year. I had to set up a box to the side of the trunk to set the over flow on. And I'm so happy with how pretty they all look - everything is gold, silver, red and white and it's all shiny and pretty.

For more Quick takes, visit The Conversion Diary.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Christmas gifts (and then some)

Hi there.

This week has been hectic.

I have been frantically trying to finish my Christmas shopping and I will have everything done (with the exception of my MILs gift, which I have NO idea what to get her...) by tomorrow. I have found a bunch of stuff for Fuss and it's mostly little stuff, but I think she'll like it. Her favorite stuff these days are balls and books and I got her a bunch of new books (also this is a bit of a selfish gift, I admit. I have so many of her books memorized and I need some new material) along w/ new PJs, an outfit, playdough, crayons and coloring books, and a doll. I'm really happy to have a bunch of things under the tree for her this year - since she was so young last year and we had no money, we went really cheap and let the relatives spoil her.

I got a bunch of stuff for Daddy Fuss, but since he periodically reads the blog, I'm not going to write it here. (Confidential to my husband: Ha ha, ho ho, I know something you don't know.) But I'm pretty sure he will be pleased and also maybe pleasantly surprised.

I'm picking up the things for my mom and step-dad today and I got my dad a cool tool (he loves tools) and my psuedo-step-mom a bottle of wine that is better than my Dad's usual cheap stuff, but still at least of the proper description (red, very sweet). Tomorrow, I'm picking up the Christmas cards and pictures (along w/ diapers, since I'm getting them from Sam's and that's the place I get her diapers). I bought this cute little bowl to fill w/ the spiced nuts I usually make (my mom's recipe - they are excellent) for my friend Jo, but I haven't gotten around to actually making the nuts, so I'm really hoping to get that done on Saturday. Keep your fingers crossed.

So my Christmas cards will be a little last-minute, but I think it will all work out in the end.

I would be stress-free if my house wasn't STILL a disaster.

I can't seem to get my kitchen clean. I spend time working on it, but then I run out of time and by the time I get back to it, it's back to it's disaster state again. And did I mention that Fuss emptied an entire salt shaker on my bathroom floor the other day? It's still a little gritty, despite vacuuming, swiffering, rag-cleaning, etc. Will have to do something more about that, as well.

I did, however, get almost all the laundry done (including folded and put away - still have a little to do, but I am very impressed with myself about this) and finished cleaning almost all of the big pots and such in the kitchen.

Have I mentioned my husband's foray into wine-making? My step-dad started making his own wine in college and my husband and my sister both asked him to teach them how to do it. They had their first wine class over Thanksgiving break and my husband got very excited and began his wine making. We have 2 1-gallon jugs of wine-in-the-making on my kitchen counter (we have GOT to find a better place to store them!) and since there isn't that much space to begin with... that's part of my kitchen is such a disaster.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

10 (or 15) on Tuesday

1. If you could change anything about your physical appearance, what would it be?
I have a list. But right now, my number one thing is my weight. I struggle so much and I'm back up to my highest weight when not pregnant. But I have dieting issues (too much protein gives me kidney stones, etc.) and I hate to exersize and I don't know what I'm doing in that dept, so other than to walk I'm useless) so I really have a hard time taking it off. I also hate my freckles.

2. Is there a habit in others that you find annoying?
I have a friend who is perpetually late - like 30 minutes or more. That really annoys me. And she was that way even before she started having kids, so she can't blame it on the baby. She was 45-minutes late for her own baby shower. I think it's careless and disrespectful of other people and their time.

3. What is your favorite recipe using ground beef?
Probably the stuffed peppers we make, but I have to say that the spicy meatloaf I made this weekend was FABulous.

4. What was your favorite book as a kid?
One of the ones I remember reading a gazillion times as a child was called Jamie and the Mystery Quilt. No idea where that one ended up. It was a chapter book, a mystery, and I read it probably 12 times, easily. I also really liked Beverly Cleary books (Beazus and Ramona is a favorite).

5. Did you work as a teenager and if so, where?
My parents owned their own business (a dry cleaners that still belongs to my dad) and I worked there with regular hours starting at age 12 (child labor laws don't apply when your parents own the place) and worked there until I graduated college. I work there now, too, since I can bring the Fuss with me.

6. Did you work while in college and if so, where?
My freshman year, I didn't work except over winter break (approx 6 weeks) because I was away at school without a car to get anywhere. It was the only time in my life I didn't have a job. When I came back home after that first year, I went back to work for my dad and ended up running the place by the time I was 20 (when my parents split and my mom left the company).

7. When you go to sleep do you like total darkness or semi? When you go to sleep do you need quiet or is some noise ok?
Dark. The darker the better. If we spend the night in a hotel, I bring a sleep mask to block out the inevitable light leaks. I prefer the quiet. My SIL sleeps with the TV on and I can't stand that. Unless I am so exhausted I'm ready to collapse, I can't sleep with the TV on.

8. When doing laundry, fabric softener or not?
I use the dryer sheets, but rarely use the liquid. I lost my Downy ball, so that's part of the reason I'm not using the liquid stuff these days.

9. Open toed or closed toed shoes?
Mostly closed toes, but I do have a few sandals and strappy shoes that I love to wear when I have a fresh pedicure.

10. Would you rather be blind or deaf?
Deaf. Partially because I took ASL in college, learned to sign and learned so much about the deaf culture it wouldn't freak me out as much. But also because I love to sit and read and you can't do that (as easily) when you are blind.

11. Dangle or stud earrings?
Dangle.

12. Bottled water or tap?
Tap at my house or my mom's, or here in this county, but if I go to other places, I prefer bottled.

13. What do you put on pancakes?
A little bit of butter and some nice maple syrup. I drizzle a little on top and then make a puddle on the side to dunk it in. Unless they are pancakes w/ strawberries and then it's just strawberries and maybe a light dusting of powdered sugar.

14. On a long trip would you rather drive or fly?
Fly. I don't particularly care for car trips, and as a kid, I used to get carsick (never got airsick, though). The only person I have ever truly enjoyed a long car ride with is my husband, but now that we have the Fuss, even that is done, since we hate to travel long-distances with her (or more aptly, she hates to travel long distances and lets us know it).

15. Do you prefer classic old movies or new?
I appreciate the classics and love a bunch of them, but my favorite movies are more the modern classics (While You Were Sleeping, You've Got Mail, The Notebook, Sleepless in Seattle, etc.)

For more 10 on Tuesday, visit http://rootsandrings.wordpress.com/

Temporarily back

I haven't had internet access again, so I'm pirating off of some neighbor's connection right now. I feel bad, but I'm desperate. I hadn't checked my email in 2 days, needed to drop a line to a cousin who is coming to Christmas, and needed to check a few things online to make sure they were what I thought they were. Crazy.

Add to that that Fuss threw a HUMONGOUS fit in the parking lot after my morning walk, throw in the in inevitable headache that is pounding in my head and pile on the list of things to do this week (I got so much accomplished yesterday and yet, my list keeps on growing, how is that?) and I am one very tired, stressed, and busy Mama.

We had a "Christmas dress disaster" over the weekend, where Fuss's Christmas dress didn't come out of the wash-before-wear process in the same condition it went in... The family photos we took for our Christmas cards are all out of focus (retakes tonight, I hope) and my house is a disaster. Seriously. I don't know what is going on here, but I'm not usually one of those Christmas-makes-me-stressed sorts, so I don't get it. Maybe it's just all hitting me at once.

I'm working on a couple of posts about what gifts I'm giving this year and which ones I'd like to give. Budget cuts, you know? I love giving gifts, especially at Christmas, so this whole buying on a budget thing kinda stinks.

My husband the computer geek thinks our IPS-supplied modem may have died (again) and so who knows what my internet status will be in the coming days. I hate being so absentee, especially since I quit journaling a few years ago and this is my only record of my life now. Sigh. Hope you all are having a great pre-Christmas time and are looking forward to celebrating the true meaning of Christmas - the birth of Christ and love and family.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Where I've been

Right here. I've been right. here.

My internet has been horrible this week. We don't really know why. But today, Saturday, is the first day I haven't had to STRUGGLE to read my email (more than 80 new ones), blog reading, and do any sort of online shopping/searching that I need to do. Hopefully, whatever problem I was having has been resolved.

Anyhow.

I've done a good chunk of my holiday shopping, I've baked 2 kinds of cookies, I bought Fuss's Christmas dress, had it cleaned, freaked out when it fell apart, and replaced it with another. Fuss helped pick out the present she's gonna give her Daddy, and figured out what to get my step-dad. And more.

I worked, of course, and had my usual "odd schedule" so I could go to MOPs on Friday and do our cookie exchange (there were some amazing creations in my take home package. I only wish I knew what they were and who made them.)

I've done laundry, kept my husband happy, re-read a short trilogy and restarted the Twilight books (I'm on to New Moon already). I even had 2 hours Fuss-free on Friday when my SIL took her to give me some down time. Tonight is our first Christmas party of the season, and Fuss will be adorable in her red and black outfit (that I still need to post here...)

I've battled headaches and some major back issues this week, but have remembered to temp for the last 5 days, so I'm pretty proud of myself.

We've watched some favorite Christmas movies (Love, Actually and Miracle on 34th St - the original) and drunk egg nog and Kahlua and creams. And cookies, lots of cookies.

I even made a reasonably spectacular meatloaf last night.

I am tired. I have missed my internet, my Facebooking, my blog reading (Maggie is the only one I was able to read this week - even more often than I read my email), and also my blog writing. I might not be the most interesting of bloggers, but I like doing it.

I look forward to getting back in the game this week.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Hello out there!

I am having internet issues, so my spotty posting is not a nod to "NaBloPoMo" in that I posted a lot in November, so I don't have to post as often in December. Honest. It's just that my internet provider is only allowing me to get online (slowly) once or twice a day for 15 minute periods (or so it seems). I am behind on my blog reading and obviously, also my blog writing. And you can forget the message boards all together. Too many pictures and sparkly blinky things to load, it never finishes coming up.

Plus, there isn't that much interesting going on around here right at the moment. We did some Christmas shopping over the weekend and got Fuss's Christmas dress. Not the one I wanted (didn't have it in her size. I was seriously contemplating trying to squeeze her into a size 18 mos for a minute there but then thought we'd have a repeat of the plaid dress from last year, so...) and we will be borrowing the backdrop of my mother's Christmas tree over the weekend to take some family pictures. We have our first holiday party this weekend (Sunday School group) and our other one next weekend (youngest SIL's annual bash with a stated end-time of 1:30am. Yeah. We'll be leaving early)

But! I have a pictures! Of a cute toddler! That blogger won't let me load, apparently. Huh. I thought something looked odd. Well then... maybe tomorrow?

Friday, December 4, 2009

7 Quick Takes - with a Picture and everything!

(Or Fuss, Flo, Family, Fashion, etc.)

1. I got AF this morning. Finally. CD1. But now I'm so achy and crampy that I want to go curl into a ball and be a blob. The dark, rainy, cold weather that just swept in doesn't help - this is the kind of weather that makes me long for a cup of hot tea, a cozy blanket and a good book with no where to be and nothing to do.

2. This morning at work, a customer brought Fuss a present. She has a 3-year-old grandson and has no prospects of more grandkids in the near future, so she often gives her outgrown toys to us. Most of the time they are in pretty good condition and she has saved me some money in the past, giving us items that we would have bought and items that we'd like but couldn't afford to get. I think Fuss might have more toys at work than she does at home. Anyhow, her present today was 2 baby dolls in a basket and a blanket for them. This is really nice since the dolls look practically new, but I'm slightly bummed since Fuss's big present for Christmas this year is her first baby doll. But she had so much fun playing with them this morning, that I'm letting my disappointment slide in response to her joy. One baby comes with a bottle and it feels as if it should do something other than simply hold the bottle in it's mouth (something solid in the cloth body) but I haven't found an opening for a switch or battery, so maybe not. The other doll has a pacifier and when it comes in contact with the baby's mouth, the baby fusses, sucks, giggles and if you leave it in long enough, the baby falls asleep. The eyes scrunch up, it's face moves and when it falls asleep, the tummy rises and falls. Fuss is fascinated.

3. Friday mornings we often let her sleep in and my husband brings her to me on his way to work. This way I get a little peace, he gets some one-on-one time with her, and everybody is happier for it. This morning he brought her in, all dressed up in a bright, festive outfit. I thought she looked like a bright bit of Christmas.

4. I need to make cookies this weekend. I used to start my holiday baking on Thanksgiving weekend every year, but lately, haven't been as motivated. (One year I made a dozen different types of cookies, 2 types of fudge and 1 type of chocolate bar thing - I have yet to even attempt that many varieties, though it was fun while it lasted.) But next week we have a cookie exchange for MOPs, so there MUST be cookies made before then. My husband's favorite are Cowboy Cookies and my favorites are Snickerdoodles. (also my grandma's gingerbread cookies, but I cannot stand making cutout cookies by myself. I always have such a terrible experience that they rarely get even as far as having more than 2 or 3 to decorate, which is my favorite part. I wish my local supermarket would make a plain gingerbread cutout cookie that you could decorate yourself...)

5. About half our Christmas decorations are up. The inside is all but done and I've done my part of the outside ones (door wreath, and entryway decorations) and Daddy Fuss needs to put up the lights this weekend. He never gets home before dark these days, so it has to be the weekend.

6. We are wanting to take a long weekend vacation in the spring, just the two of us. Possibly our "last hurrah" if we get pregnant soon since we likely won't be able to get away for any length of time from a baby. We are trying to figure out how to afford it. I want to do it, but so often I wonder if travel is really just a way to blow money. You get nothing tangible from it (unless you buy souvenirs) and while the memories are important, I always wonder if doing something constructive with that time and money would be a more responsible way to go. I guess I just feel guilty planning trips when there are more practical things to do, and yet, I reallyreally want to do this, to have some time to relax and enjoy and be with my husband and enjoy a place we both love. I guess it's a conundrum to say the least.

7. Last weekend I went to that baby shower for my childhood best friend and I saw her with her 2 SILs. Kate grew up with 2 brothers and as kids it was always the boys vs. the girl in that house. Sure, they loved each other in that "you're my family" sort of way, but to say they were friends would have been laughable. Post-college, they all ended up in a N FL city together and chose to live together, which always amused me. Now, all 3 are married to some terrific people and as I watched her with her SILs, I was a little jealous. They were friends. Close friends. My whole life, I wanted a sister and I married into a family where my husband has 3 and we have nothing in common and at the beginning at least, they didn't even like me. (We're beginning to forge a friendship, but they still aren't the type I can call up and shoot the breeze with, or beg them to meet me for coffee so I can escape the house). I know I'm not the only one with in-law troubles, but sometimes I wish for a different scenario.

For more Quick Takes, click here.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Terrible, terrible twos.

I feel horrible.

This morning I had the thought, "do I need another baby?" and was able to answer myself that yes, I really wanted another baby. A sibling for Fuss, another infant in my arms, etc.

Now I'm not so sure.

I just had the biggest fight with Fuss that I've ever had. We went into Target after work. She was still awake and seemed happy enough. When we pulled into the parking lot, she said "walk!" happily enough. She wanted to walk instead of ride in the cart, so I put her in the monkey back pack (has a leash) and off we went. I was only going in for a few small things, so I let her carry one of the handheld baskets. Worked for about 30 seconds when she decided that she wanted to explore the lingerie department, which, I wasn't planning to do. I cajoled and begged her to behave, gently directed her the direction I wanted to go, but to no avail. Every time I'd get her to take a step in the right direction, she would then run 3 steps the other way. The straw that broke the camels back was when she picked up a package of Plus-Sized underpants that had fallen off the rack and put them in her basket. My rear has gotten bigger recently, but I'm not quite to that point, so I put them back on the wall. And immediately had an explosion in the form of a 21-month-old on my hands.

At that point, I figured my shopping wasn't all that necessary and I scooped her up (she then threw the basket) and we left the store. Halfway through the parking lot she stopped fighting me and screaming and said "walk! walk!" so I set her down and continued toward the car. She had other ideas and tried to head back to the store.

I picked her up again and carried her, kicking and screaming, to the van. But trying to get her into her seat was a whole other story.

I kid you not, she screamed at me (no! NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOooooo!) for 15 solid minutes. Didn't let up for a second. In the middle of the Target parking lot. With people watching. I was so embarrassed. They must have thought I was kidnapping her or something. Thankfully, no one called the police. Finally, I wrestled her into the seat and we drove home. She fell asleep in her chair.

I'm coming down off of it, but I am stressed and tired and I keep crying.

How on earth could I do this with 2? I can't seem to handle the one I've got.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

NaBloPo... Done!

So. Yesterday was the last day of NaBloPoMo.
I did it. I posted every day in November. I'm proud of myself. I'm glad I did it.

And I learned a few things. But the biggest thing I learned is that I like my 4-5 days a week posting schedule. I like not having pressure to post every day, but the expectation that I will post several times during the week (since it encourages me to post more frequently than I have in the past).

I learned that I am not always that interesting, but when I have emotional distress, my best way of decompressing from it is by writing, which I guess I always suspected, but I never knew for sure.

I learned that I am not always as eloquent as I'd like to be. But I'm hoping that with time, that that will improve.

I used to want to be a writer. I guess I still do, but I have no idea what to write, and I have no real inspiration. My best stuff in the past was really my character development. I could spend days and weeks writing the background info for the characters in my story and then either get bored with the story when I finally started writing or lose the plot in my head and not have a direction to go in. But I need to get back to my inspiration if I'm going to try and write again. But meanwhile, staying in practice, writing regularly on the blog is hopefully an exersize to help with that discipline. We shall see.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Temper, temper

I'm a redhead, so it's both presumed and reality that I have a temper. Usually, I say that I have a very long fuse but it is attached to a keg of dynamite. As I've grown and matured, I'd like to say that I've gotten pretty good at controlling my temper.

I get irritate by things, of course. You can find me yelling at other drivers when they are inconsiderate or stupid. I have little patience for people who act like morons when they should know better. I'm not the most patient of people. (It's a fault I learned from my dad) But that doesn't get to me really. What makes me mad at myself is when I lose my temper with my daughter.

I guess it's partially that I'm not used to kids. I often don't have the correct concept of what they should know/how they should act/what they should be able to control at what age. I get frustrated when I have to tell her over and over not to do something, or to do something. I get so so frustrated. I always thought that it would be easier. A little consistency, and she would behave, a little instruction and she would follow the rules. But it's every day. It's often every hour. EVERY hour. I have to tell her to come here several times and I feel like I shouldn't by now. She SHOULD obey me, after being taught over and over again that when mommy calls, she is supposed to come. But somehow, it's the same thing over and over. I have to call and call. I have to threaten. Or occasionally bribe.

So then I get mad at myself for yelling at her. Or being less than gentle when I scoop her up to put her in timeout. Or leave her in her crib for too long because she's driving me crazy, even though her timeout should be over by now.

So I'm working on it. I'm trying to discipline without reacting, instead of yelling and reacting. It' s just harder than I thought. So now in addition to being frustrated with her, I'm frustrated with me, too. Hmmmm.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Cooler than me

So I think my baby is cooler than me.

I knew it would happen. Logic says that the further in age you are from being "in the know" or whatever the less "cool" you are. I expected it, really. But I thought I had until she was older - in her teens or preteens.

She was wearing this cute little outfit the other day. This sweet long-sleeved t-shirt and these adorable denim shorts and I looked at her and she is just SO adorable. And looks kinda trendy. And I'm a frump. I'm not looking my best these days. I don't always try with the make up very much anymore, my clothes run from clean but sloppy (tanks and big t-shirts, shorts and jeans) to classic, but a bit boring (a nicer shirt or sweater with same shorts or jeans). My hair is not making me happy these days because I am trying to grow it out to a length that I can ponytail it, at least... I have almost nothing nice and fashionable right now - our budget doesn't allow for a lot of clothing purchases and since my life is much more casual now, I don't put in the effort I once did. Is that how it all begins? How a once-(reasonably)cool mom becomes frumpy, out of touch and by the time the kids are twelve and really starting to care about appearance they have completely lost every shred of ability to come across as "cool."

I just didn't think it would happen so soon.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

100 Things (a meme, sue me)

100 Things

Everything you could possibly ever want to know about me… plus 99 more things.

1. I was born in August
2. in Florida
3. and never really left
4. except when I spent a year in GA for school.
5. I married my high school best friend
6. after a short string of boyfriends he put up with
7. as I did the same for his girlfriends.
8. I am smart
9. (but he is smarter)
10. and I love to learn
11. but I'm not great at school.
12. So when I finally graduated from college
13. it was actually a technical design school
14. and I have a degree
15. (that I don't use)
16. in Graphic design.
17. I am a very social person.
18. Which is why I liked my old job
19. and struggle being a stay-at-home mom.
20. My husband is still my best friend
21. but I just call him my husband instead.
22. My best girlfriend isn't related,
23. but I call her my sister anyhow.
24. The girl I call my BFF
25. is technically my 2nd best girlfriend.
26. I love her
27. but she often drives me crazy.
28. We are very different
29. but it works for us, somehow.
30. I'm close with my mom
31. probably because I was an only child
32. and my dad lived with us,
33. but was never around.
34. My parents split up
35. when I was 19
36. and it sucked,
37. even though I was technically an adult.
38. This caused me to not like my mom
39. (for a bit)
40. and develop a much better relationship with my dad
41. who later moved in with a woman named Connie
42. who I love
43. and would like him to marry.
44. But he won't
45. because he doesn't want to go through that again.
46. My mom had a string of awful boyfriends
47. and then finally met Doc
48. who has his PhD in some sort of biology
49. and works in environmental stuff.
50. They got married
51. a year after us
52. on the weekend I had wanted my own anniversary.
53. But I'm not bitter.
54. He gave me 3 step-brothers
55. who aren't around much.
56. But I'm still the oldest
57. and most mature.
58. We have one daughter.
59. So far.
60. My husband wants 3 or 4 kids.
61. I'm thinking about it.
62. I really wanted a girl first.
63. Since I don't know how to handle boys.
64. And I'm so glad I got her.
65. If we ever have a son, his name will be a III in response to his dad
66. and (late) grandfather.
67. We will call him Tre
68. because he's the third.
69. I'm name obsessed
70. which is fun
71. but I'll never have enough kids to satisfy my list of names I love
72. not even if I have 8 like Octomom.
73. We love movies
74. and TV
75. and we constantly talk in movie quotes.
76. This both intrigues and annoys people
77. especially my mother
78. and his.
79. A lot of my post titles are based on that habit.
80. I read voraciously.
81. I can easily read 5-7 books a day
82. if I'm given the time or chance.
83. I recently rediscovered the library
84. because my budget can no longer afford my book habit.
85. I also love food
86. which works out great
87. because my husband loves to cook.
88. We love spicy food
89. and feed it to our daughter, too
90. even though she isn't even 2 (yet).
91. Sometimes she even eats it.
92. I also love God
93. and probably should have put that higher on the list.
94. I borrowed that sentiment from the person I borrowed the meme from (rootsandrings.wordpress.com)
95. But that doesn't mean it isn't true.
96. I was once in a fake sorority called Pi Chi
97. We chose those letters because we had another nickname
98. "The Psycho Chicks in Trailer 6."
99. I'm surprised you have lasted this long.
100. I love comments, if you want to leave some!


I borrowed this from Roots and Rings, so to read hers, click here.

Friday, November 27, 2009

More 7 Quick Takes

1. There was some happy drama at my Thanksgiving celebration this year. My step-dad has 3 sons, all younger than me, but legally adults (26, 24, 22) and we never lived together, grew up together, anything. Daddy Fuss and I have been married longer than my mom and step-dad. But through family get-togethers (read: major holidays) e've met several times and they know Daddy Fuss and Fuss, etc. I would not say they are close, though I wouldn't mind knowing them better. They are nice guys. The oldest, TJ is in the army and is currently deployed overseas. We recently found out that he and his fiancee' have been legally married for almost 2 years. In addition, the youngest - E, who is in the Navy, also got secretly married in Vegas. But we knew about that at least a week in advance.
2. My step-dad's first wife was in attendance, which I was worried would be... awkward? uncomfortable? weird? But it wasn't. She was very nice, personable, even got along well with Fuss and was just "part of the family." My great-aunt even took a picture of the boys, their dad and my mom and their mom all together. It was really cute.
3. I got to spend a little more time talking with my step-brothers (well, 2 of them - TJ is overseas) this time around and I really like them. And the fact that they played with Fuss and she was enthralled by them didn't hurt. I think she might have another crush on E. She would walk over to him, wherever he was sitting, tug on his arm and hold up hers arms. He always obliged. He even played dolls with her for a few minutes.
4. My youngest SIL, LP goes to the Black Friday Madness every year - she starts at whatever store is opening the earliest - this year and last the local outlet mall is opening at midnight - and shops and shops until she has either hit all the stores she wanted and basically completed her entired Christmas list or until she passes out from exhaustion. While there is NO WAY I would be able to go as long as she does, this is the first year in awhile that I really wanted to go out with her. I haven't done the Black Friday early wake up thing in at least 5 years. But I was itching to this time out. Of course, I had to work, so there was no option - not even to hit the outlet mall at midnight and then come home and go to bed, because I cannot function on that little sleep. But I'm hoping to hit the stores this weekend anyhow.
5. I am so tired these days. I think my lack of good sleep might be catching up to me. I sleep 7-8 hours each night, but they aren't always GOOD sleep. And Daddy Fuss has a cold, so he starts to snore and when I wake up, for whatever reason, I find it hard to fall back to sleep with him snoring beside me. I need a nap.
6. I will be going to my childhood best friend's baby shower this weekend. I haven't seen her face to face in ages, we mostly communicate on Facebook these days. But it will be nice to see her, see her mom and see some other old friends from back in the day. I seem to be in a better mindset than I was 2 weeks ago when my other friend had a shower, so I'm hoping and thinking that I'll do fine this time.
7. And on that note, AF is due sometime this weekend (oh yeah, maybe that's why I'm tired) and I'm hoping she shows up on time and without too much drama. I am ready for this cycle to be over, to put it behind me and begin anew.

And on that note, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and are getting geared up for a wonderful holiday season!

Conversion Diary
took a break this week from 7 Quick Takes, but I didn't get the memo until I'd already written mine. :) If you want more 7 Quick Takes, I'd suggest a look at her archives... ha ha!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thankful

It may not be original, but I'm going to tell you what I'm thankful for for Thanksgiving this year...

1. My husband. He is the most wonderful man I have ever known and he is so good to me, to our daughter and to everyone around him. He is a wonderful provider, an amazing friend, and a wonderful lover.
2. My daughter. She is the light in my life. She can simultaneously drive me up the wall and make me laugh out loud. I love being her mommy.
3. My extended family. Both of my parents and their respective significant others, my mother--in-law and my 3 sisters-in-law, my nieces and brother-in-law... they all add up to making a wonderful, if chaotic, family and I am so grateful to have them in my life.
4. My sister and her family and that they are stateside once again. I am thankful for them in general, but especially that they are back home this year.
5. My home. I may complain about it periodically, but I really do love our home. And I am so thankful that we have one.
6. That both my husband and I are employed. In this economy, many many people are out of jobs and while neither of us love our jobs, but we are very grateful to have them and that I can take Fuss with me to work.
7. My internet friends (and family). I love the friends I have made because of the internet - the girls on the Luckies grads board, my bloggy friends. You all mean so much to me, to my life, to my sanity.


I have been blessed in my life - with friends, family, and even possessions beyond my needs. I truly have so much to be thankful for.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

November 25

Today, November 25th there are a few things going on... I'm not in the writing mood, really, so I apologize for the bullet points

  • Fuss is officially 21 months old today! I can't believe she is getting so big!
  • Yesterday I got my blood work done to verify that everything was good post-miscarriage. I got the results and I'm back to normal, as expected.
  • After the blood draw, we went to breakfast and Fuss had a bit of peanut butter. She then got a rash all around her mouth and got splotchy all over her face where she had been rubbing and touching. We were concerned about an allergic reaction, so I took her to the pediatrician. By the time we arrived, her face had returned to normal, but we got a referral for an allergist to get her tested for a just-in-case situation. Her doctor said that it could be nothing, or it could be a warning sign that the next time it won't go away so easily. In the meantime, we'll be avoid nuts.
  • My husband came home early today! It's awfully nice to have him home, have things more relaxed, since we have no responsibilities, really, for the rest of the weekend. (I have to work Friday morning, but it should be a very easy day). His job is getting more and more stressful and shows no signs of easing up until at least the first of the year. It's nice to have a bit of a break for a few days.
  • I'm really disliking myself these days - my physical appearance, etc. I know there are things I can and should do about this, but I get so discouraged. I'm almost up to my non-pregnant heaviest weight again and I hate the way my body looks. My hair is being tempermental lately and I hate my current haircut. (I can usually wash my hair every other day, with the occasional possibility of going an extra day when needed. Lately, I get all oily and gross if more than 36 hours go by without a shampoo). Drives me crazy. Not even a good application of make-up really brings me up. And I desperately want to have my nice manicured nails back (something I gave up when Fuss was born and I stopped working)
  • We need to get our family Christmas photos done soon and I've been on my husband to make the appointment with his friend for 2 months (I wanted 18 month pictures done of Fuss. oops) We are quickly running out of time, and I wish I knew what was causing him to drag his feet.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Ten on Tuesday (3)

1. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A teacher. Forever a teacher until I decided that I liked to write (fiction) as a teen and someone suggested I go into Journalism (non-fiction, hopefully) and I did a stint as the Editor of my high school paper. One year of college reporting classes and I realized that I would not enjoy life as a reporter. (I think I wanted to be Lois Lane. But even if that were possible, it would have taken a lot of years and a lot of gumption that I do not have to get there and, well, I'm not into being miserable in the mean time).
2. Name 3 of your irrational fears.
-Infertility. It's a major problem for some people, but thus far, I haven't had to deal with it. My mom did - that's why I'm an only child - and for some reason I have always assumed that I would, too. But even if I did, I truly believe that God would have a plan.
-Something tragic happening to Fuss. Like an incurable disease, or being kidnapped or hit by a car.
-My biggest fear, though - irrational or not - is that something might happen to Daddy Fuss and I'd be all alone. His father died young and I'm terrified of that happening to me, too.
3. If you had a $200 gift card to any store, what would you want it to be? (Nothing responsible allowed. Can’t be used for groceries or anything)
Target. I love Target and if told I couldn't buy anything responsible, I could still find a TON of stuff to buy there. Forget $200, I could easily irresponsibly spend $2000 at Target.
4. What is your most (blog-friendly) embarrassing moment?
In the very beginning of my sophomore year in high school, we had a rainy day - the kind where it pours and you're guaranteed to be soaked no matter what. At my school there were all sorts of places that attracted deep, huge puddles and many times we'd figured out a way around them. Like this one place by the gym - you could jump up on the concrete benches and walk across those to keep your feet out of the 4 inch puddle. Except that over the summer they had replaced those benches with metal ones covered in this slick plastic. I jumped up there and slipped and landed on my butt in the 4" puddle. Right in front of a crowd of upperclassmen. My clothes were soaked down to my underwear, my backpack drenched, my shoes and socks... you get the idea.
5. If you were only allowed to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would you choose?
I'd say pasta, because I love it, but really, it would probably be something more healthy because after a bunch of junky heavy meals, I always crave something better for me. So Thai food. Specifically shrimp (or chicken) with Hot Pepper. Those nice, crispy vegetables, a light but spicy sauce. Good stuff, my friends, good stuff.
6. What was your favorite toy growing up?
My dolls. Different dolls at different points growing up, but I played with them into my teens.
7. Do you have a “go to” outfit? What is it?
Well, I'd say yes and no - I usually have a favorite top of the moment and right now it's this long-sleeved shirt from Loft, and I can pair said tops with jeans or pants as the situation fits (usually jeans) but I don't really like my jeans right now, so I've got nothing. I've got a few tops that I really like right now, but nothing guaranteed to make me happy when I put it on.
8. Who was the best teacher you ever had?
Since I went to a really good school, it's going to be hard for me to pick one...
Mrs. Swain: My first grade teacher who really taught me to read and to love it, which is a gift I have never forgotten and always appreciated. Years later, I hung out with her after school and helped her grade papers, etc. since my parents were never on time to pick me up and I would have otherwise been forced to go to after-school care. Even more years later, after she retired, she and my grandmother became incredibly good friends and they still keep in touch. Unfortunately, she's not doing well these days and I have to say that the world be a less-good place when she leaves it.
Miss Pryski: Also one of my husband's favorite teachers. She taught 4th grade when I had her and I especially remember her Bible lessons, though she taught science and math and History (also another memorable specialty). She was really into her subjects and made them come alive for us.
Mr. Strickland: Ask any student who came through my school in the many years above me and a couple years below (he retired while I was in college) and they will tell you that he was one of their favorite and most-memorable teachers. He taught Bible and a couple of classes we often jokingly called Life 101 and Life 404. (He called them 8th grade Relationships and Sr. Social Studies, respectively.) He was brilliant and knowledgeable about everything and he made you work for those grades, but you wanted to please him. Sr. year he taught a course in the book of Romans which ultimately ended in an exam with one question on it: "Explain Romans." It was a rite of passage for all of the Seniors and in some ways it was the hardest test we had ever taken to date. (I got a 92, which is impressive for me, since I don't typically test well) He also required a Doctrinal Statement from each Sr - a paper that outlined and explained our religious beliefs, individually and the why and where we got those ideas from. A very educational experience.

9. If you could buy any car right now (something at least SORT OF within the realm of reality…so, you know, a Rolls Royce may not qualify), what would it be?
Well, in fairness, I should pick a vehicle for Daddy Fuss, since my old Jetta that he is now driving is starting to have problems and he is the one stuck dealing with them and my van is fine. He'd want a truck, I think, but it would have to be a bigger one that could seat a kid or 2, so probably a 4-door variety. But if we're talking ME, I'd just want a newer, more fully-loaded minivan. I love my van, but we had to get one with fewer ideal features than I wanted, so I'd like a different one.
10. How do you reckon that Chelsea comes up with 10 of these questions every week? It was hard! What’s your theory on how she’s so creative? Are you going to help her?
As soon as I come up with some good ones, I will be sending her some of my own. I'm simply very glad that she encourages participation in 10 on Tues even if I can't help come up with questions. Because man, these are interesting and I'm not really that interesting lately.

For more Ten on Tuesday, visit Chelsea and the others here.

Monday, November 23, 2009

A little racier than normal

So this weekend I co-hosted a Booty Parlor party of my own - Cherry and I had a bunch of friends and relations come to my house (bigger meeting space) and we squeezed 15 people into my great room and plied them with food (pumpkin dip! molasses cookies! beer cheese dip!) and drink (margarita punch! also, unspiked iced tea for those not into imbibing due to pregnancy or desire to appear tipsy at 2 in the afternoon) and showed them s*x toys. Cherry even had her mother-in-law around. (both of our mothers were also in attendance, proof that we have very good relationships with them)

We had a blast. And the party netted over $800 so apparently, so did our friends. My one friend spent over $120 on product alone - though the order forms are kept confidential (which is fine by me) so I don't know what exactly she got and I'm totally fine with that. Honestly, I probably got close to that if you factor in my half-priced items and credit. But anyhow. A good time was had by all and everyone walked away happy. There was no punch left, but plenty of snack foods, so they all enjoyed the margaritas and Daddy Fuss and I are enjoying the leftover munchies.

It's interesting because when I first heard about this stuff, I was all uncomfortable. But as I learned more about it and sampled a few of the tamer items, we've gotten to really enjoy it. I'll spare you the details of our bedroom-life, but spicing things up some times is a really great idea. My mom was all disturbed and I'm wondering if she thinks I'm into kink now or something because she said "well, we don't really need help in that department" as if wanting to play in the bedroom is this terrible thing. (This from the woman who was very vocal in bed when she started dating again and I was still living with her - she is NOT a prude, by any means.)

Anyhow, it was fun, amusing to see the expressions on some of my friends faces, and a good time was had by all. I think the 2-hour cross-state drive was also worth it for my consultant, too, (A friend who lives on the other coast, sort of, introduced us and she offered to come over despite the distance.) considering the sales total. I don't know how much she makes for commission, but even at 10-15% it would be a nice little chunk of change, ya know?

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Whammo.

Getting today's post in under the wire, I think. It's been a busy weekend, and this afternoon is the first opportunity I've had to sit down and write.

About 10 minutes into Sunday School this morning, an overwhelming sadness came over me with the thought about my lost Angel baby. It's funny how it snuck up on me, seemingly coming out of nowhere, just hitting me full force with sadness as I missed the feeling of being pregnant, and anticipating a the arrival of the baby growing inside me.

I've said it before, I know, but I want to be pregnant. I wanted that baby and I miss being pregnant. As I see more and more of my friends getting pregnant (I don't begrudge them their babies or their pregnancies and I rejoice with each of them as they get their BFPs and they grow and anticipate their new little ones) I feel it more - the desire to be there with them.

I go on Tuesday to get my blood work following the miscarriage. Part of me hopes that despite skipping the usual window of fertility, that I am already pregnant again. But I know that will complicate things, too.

On a happier note, today is my SIL, LP's birthday and we went out to lunch at the favorite family restaurant this afternoon to celebrate. We all had a wonderful time and Fuss was joyful and entertaining, despite the fact that lunch was scheduled in the middle of naptime and she was being kept awake by the busyness and surroundings. She was very well behaved and loved mooching food from everyone.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Addicted

I’m trying to wean myself off caffeine. Or at least cut back again. I usually try and keep it to one can of Coke per day and occasionally have an extra coffee thrown in for fun. Sometimes I replace the Coke with the coffee, sometimes I don’t. But lately, I’m up to at least 3 caffeinated sodas per day and I think that’s too much. Especially since I’m trying to get pregnant again (or will be very soon) and I’ve read stuff that indicates that it’s not ideal to be drinking a lot of caffeine when you’re TTC (or when pregnant), so I figure it can’t hurt to cut back.

But it’s hard! I love my Coca Cola! And when I’m at work, I don’t have options other than soda (there is a soda machine next door and the water isn’t really drinkable from the tap) and when I’m home it’s either soda or water and sometimes I just don’t want water. Sometimes I need something with some taste to it, you know? I just love my caffeine. We’re good friends.

Fuss is a paci-addict. We’ve gotten rid of the solo paci except while sleeping, (so cute, she wakes up and hands us her paci, most of the time while still wiping the sleep from her eyes. But don’t expect her to sleep without it, no sir) but her Maddie the Monkey has a paci in it’s head and she is with Maddie all the time. A week or two ago, I gave her Maddie after I popped the paci out of her head, and she was very disappointed. She still carried her around, but would periodically open her mouth and turn Maddie around so she could pop the paci in her mouth and it wasn’t there and her little face would just fall. And she’d look so cute and pitiful and disappointed. I felt bad. So, ultimately, the paci went back into Maddie’s head and Fuss had her toy of comfort back again. I’m a softy, what can I say?

Friday, November 20, 2009

7 Quick Takes (TGIF)

1. I spent ALL DAY Thursday this week cleaning my house. I regularly scrub the kitchen and do the maintenance type things in the bathroom and living room, but this is a pretty irregularly thorough cleaning. I will be hosting a Booty Parlor party (co-hosting, actually) on Saturday and it was a well-needed cleansing. My house sparkles and smells faintly of PineSol.

2. Publix (our local grocery store) has put out the Egg Nog. We are beginning our holiday celebrations.

3. I am starting to gear up for the holidays - Thanksgiving is one of my top favorite holidays and when the schedule permits (and we're not traveling) I begin my Christmas baking Thanksgiving weekend. Looking forward to some homemade Snickerdoodles. And I'm getting urge to buy wrapping paper and decorations... obviously the early promotion of the holidays in the stores is working.

4. They finally had an event at MOPs that wasn't on a day I was working, and I had other plans. And it was something I would have been totally up for, too - a picnic at the park where the kids could run an play and Fuss would have had a blast.

5. I miss my camera. I am pretty sure we lost it on the dock over Labor Day when we went out on our friends' boat. I haven't seen it since. We have another camera - a big one, fancy. But not as easy to cart around, of course. So I haven't been taking as many pictures of the Fuss as I would like and I miss it.

6. Daddy Fuss took me to the shooting range the other day. I had never shot a gun other than a BB gun before, but he thought that we could use a chance to blow off some stress and blow things up, so he took me to the local indoor gun range, got me a lesson, rented a 9mm and we shot a target. We did rather well. My dad was a sharpshooter in the National Reserves, but I've never learned to shoot. My dad was all excited when I told him - he told me stories of his parents going to the range and my Grandma Lelah used to outshoot my Grandpa. (which must have been interesting, since my grandfather was a chauvinist). Will likely do it again some time.

7. I have gone all week without crying about the baby I lost. Next week I'll be going to get my bloodwork to make sure that the Hcg is all out of my system. I can go any time after Monday, but I don't have free time until... I don't know when. (Update: I made the appointment for Tuesday, when my husband is going in to work late because he has to work late that night. He can watch the baby while I get my blood drawn.)

For more quick takes, click here.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Book Reviews

I’ve been really bad about keeping a list of books I’ve read recently. But here’s what I can remember…

Family and Forever by Karen Kingsbury: These are the last two books in her 2nd Baxter series (Firstborn series) and they were really great with a lot of focus on Katy and Dane and starting to show more of the Flannigan family (who are based on Ms. Kingsbury’s own family). I was sad to see the series come to an end, but there was another series that followed, which brings me to…

Sunset
by Karen Kingsbury: I did everything all goofy, so I ended up reading bits and pieces of each series all at the same time, depending on which books I could get from which library. My church has them, and the 2 city libraries near here have them. But I was obviously not the only person to be reading them, so… Anyhow, this was the final installment of the 3rd and final Baxter series. They’ve already begun showing up as minor characters in the Above the Line series, but she says she’s done writing about them as the main characters. I loved this book, though it was bittersweet to have it end. And as a side note, it finally told me what the real point of having a VBAC was, as opposed to just wanting to do a natural birth for the heck of it. (FWIW, the answer is that it is better for a baby’s lungs to be pushed through the birth canal – more mucus and fluid is pushed out that way. I think I knew that, but that seemed to make more sense than the answer that I’ve heard from some about “I just want to know that I can do it” or whatnot.)
A Thousand Tomorrows by Karen Kingsbury: Obviously, I am a fan of this author. My grandmother gave me this book and I liked it, but I wished she hadn’t. It’s about 2 people who are rodeo participants who fall in love. That’s the good part. But the girl in the story has cystic fibrosis (what my nephews have) and she really struggles with it and the end of the book is very sad. There are lessons learned and a good point to the story, but I kind of wish I hadn’t read it, because when I think about it, it makes me sad for the kind of life that my nephews will have to lead eventually.
Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin: My BFF gave me this book for my birthday and I really enjoyed it, even though it’s about a best friend who steals her friend’s fiancĂ© only a few months before her wedding (the wedding was cancelled a week before the wedding date) and I kind of hate that sort of thing. But it was a fun book, despite that plotline and it intrigued me enough that I also read

Something Blue by Emily Giffin: This was the sequel to the above book and it talked about what the dumped friend did after she found out her best friend was having an affair with her fiancĂ©. I remember telling my husband about halfway through the book that this girl was really stupid and if she never grew up, I was going to be really ticked off, but she did come to a mature realization at some point and did grow up and realized her mistakes and grew up. So that was good. I know that I tend to want to shake characters sometimes when they could so easily fix their problems by just COMMUNICATING or just doing one thing or whatever. I tend to get really wrapped up in what is going on in it and I think sometimes I bug my husband because I am always reading him some passage or talking about the plot like it’s real. But I liked the evolution of this character enough that I then went on to read…

Baby Proof by Emily Giffin: This is a new set of characters, but since they all originate in NYC somehow, the old characters are minor characters in this book (and in another there is a minor character from the first one as well) and it all flows well together. This one was good, and I liked the character, but I didn’t relate quite as well to her, since her big thing was that she didn’t want to have a child and I have never felt that way. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. But the character had a lot of depth and despite her anti-maternal feelings, I still understood her, which I thought was impressive. I am really loving this author.
Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin: I liked this one, because while I don't have exactly the same feelings for my ex (he's a real bastard), I do have an odd curiosity to run into him some how and show let him see how awesome my life is without him. With a handful of chapters to go, I was seriously debating how much damage would be done to the book if I threw it across the room if it actually ended where I thought it was heading... Since it was a library book, I was glad that she redeemed the character in the end and I didn't have to make that choice.
It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown and a Much Needed Margarita by Heather Armstrong: I’ve mentioned this here* and here* so I won’t expound too much. But I love reading bloggers books and plan to read a couple more*(Rattled!) that are already out and buy a couple that are coming out* (Alexa) in the future* (Matt). And if someone would let me read her novel….
Mommy Tracked by Whitney Gaskell: I sort of just came across this book and author while perusing the stacks at the library and the title jumped out at me. It seemed light and my type of easy reading, so I grabbed it. It was great. Perfect for mommys who wonder if they are all alone in their stresses, no matter what those stresses happen to be. The characters are a single mother, a working mother of 2 (who has a stay at home house husband), a mother-to-be, and a SAH mother of 3 (or 4, now I can’t remember) and I loved it. So read this one the next time you need some mommy-related fun and encouragement.
Testing Kate by Whitney Gaskell: Once upon a time I volunteered at Teen Court for my community service credits in high school. I loved it. I loved being part of the legal system. (I’ll have to tell you more about the experience in another post) So this book about a law student and her friends at Tulane (New Orleans! I LOVE New Orleans!) was fun for me. It also was a good reminder that sometimes you have to take the time to figure out what it is you want to do with your life instead of just following the plan you THINK you’re on. A good lesson, sometimes.

I also attempted to read a book called SuperMom and I got about 5 or 6 chapters in and quit. Seriously. It was that bad. She was changed into a super hero by breathing in a bad mixture of cleaning products in an unventilated space. She squirted out cleaning fluid like Spiderman shot out the webs. Yeah. I rarely quit books without finishing them, but I just couldn't read this one anymore.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Things That Rock Thursdays

1. NCIS Marathons hosted by Abby Scuito.

2. Seagram's Peach Fuzzy Navel wine coolers, an old favorite.

3. PartyLite parties with food - they have this fabulous dip mix... and apple cake. And the hostess also made something called Oreo balls (which are not PartyLite, but man were they good)

4. Husbands who babysit on weekday evenings and also do dishes. (This should actually be number one, but I'm doing these in no particular order)

5. Weeks when the New Orleans Saints are 9-0 and coming to Tampa this weekend.

6. Thanksgiving being right around the corner. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.

7. Husbands who let you sleep in when you have a headache

8. Hearing the equivalent of "I love you" from your not-quite-2-year-old for the first time. (also should have been at the top of the list, but again - in no particular order)

9. Sweet baby smiles.

10. Having a party to look forward to this weekend with a bunch of friends. I love the anticipation of having something exciting to look forward to on the weekend.


Things that most definitely do NOT rock?
Have 4 killer headaches in as many days. That most definitely does not rock.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Ten on Tuesday (2)

Welcome back to the next installment of Ten on Tuesday. For future reference, the next set of ten questions will be posted by Monday morning each week. You can click on the Ten on Tuesday button on your right to get there.

Here we go!

1. What are some of your family traditions?
For the most part, we have our holiday traditions... since Fuss was born we host Christmas Day dinner for both sides of the family, as many as want to come. We usually spend Christmas Eve with my dad and his girlfriend. We have a holiday morning casserole (sausage, cream cheese, cresent roll pastry) and we always go to the same restaurant for our anniversary.

2. Do you know how to change a flat tire?
Yes, but I'm not strong enough to remove the lug nuts - even Daddy Fuss has trouble when they've been put on with an air gun.

3. Do you subscribe to any magazines? What are your favorites?
Not right now. I'd like to - there are a few parenting magazines I'd like and one or two women's magazines. Plus I'd really like a scrapbooking magazine... In the past, I've had Wired magazine, Allure and something else... but my teen years were my big magazine years.

4. What are your top three favorite office supply items? Paper. I love paper. I can't stand to use standard 20# rag, either. I like the 24# 94 bright paper for every day use. I convinced my old office to switch and they were so in love with it. I also love post-it notes, the more unusual the color, the better. I also like colored ink pens - specifically purple, but I obviously don't use those for "business" purposes. For business purposes, I like blue ink, either gel or these ballpoint pens that are from Staples.

5. Are you a good public speaker?
I used to be. In elementary school i used to compete in speech competitions, specifically poetry. But now, I always tumble over my words a bit.

6. How do you feel about acronyms?
I think when they are funny, they amuse me.

7. What’s the most creative things you’ve ever done? (Bloggers, feel free to include pictures!)
My college/sorority scrapbook. Or some of my design school projects. I have no examples to show you right now.


8. I’d rather jam a pen in my eye than…
...watch most reality TV shows, specifically the "Survivor" type. I have watched the first season of American Idol, and a couple of seasons of ANTM and about 2 episodes of that one where they make over the house for a deserving family...


9. What company has the best advertising?
Mac. Those Mac vs PC commercials kill me. Especially when my husband and I were constantly debating the merits of Mac (me) vs. PC (him) We even had 2 girls names that could have nicknamed down to Mac and PC on our short list for Fuss. Although, I'm loving the freecreditreport.com jingles and the new PC commercials where they say "I'm a PC", too.

10. When is your birthday?
August. I'll be 30 next year.

For more 10 on Tuesday, click here

Monday, November 16, 2009

More.

I just found out that a friend of mine who was pregnant with me the first time is expecting (due July 12). We were pregnant w/ our girls together - her due date last time was 10 days before mine (though Dally came early and I had to wait. I think the girls are about a month apart) so 2 of the 3 girls from my SS class that I was PG with the first time are now PG w/ their second.

I don't begrudge my friends their babies, their healthy pregnancies, their NOT having to go through a miscarriage, but it makes me miss mine even more.

I'm surrounded by pregnant friends. I am happy for them, but it sometimes makes it harder to move on from my own disappointment.

Went to MOPs last week and we wrote down our prayer requests in small group. In the past, we haven't prayed for them out loud - just the leaders read them and we all know to pray for each other, just not always about WHAT. But the new mentor mom prayed and read each card and prayed specifically for each request, so now my small group knows about my miscarriage. I'm not embarrassed, but I wasn't really planning to announce it, you know? Frustrating.

I feel like I'm harping on this, but I just need to get it out... need to put my thoughts down so that I can get them out of my head...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Wanted

I wanted this baby.
I know that God had other plans, that He knows best and I certainly do not know better than He.
But I wanted this baby.
I never got to know him or her - I didn't even know if he was a him or her. That's really hard to think about. But then I think about Maddie and I think that losing my baby after getting to know her would be so much worse.
Maybe that's what God knew?

I am blessed that it all happened naturally. I don't know that I could have gone through a procedure to physically remove the baby from my body, even if all the confirmation was there that it no longer lived. I don't know. I just know that I am, in fact, grateful that it all happened naturally.

In a sort of weird way, every time I saw more blood and tissue I cried harder... knowing that that was what used to be my baby. It hurt.

People kept asking if I was in pain. I had really horrible lower back "cramps" which made me somewhat miserable, but the worst pain was knowing that I had lost my chance to mother this baby. That Fuss would never know this sibling. I didn't have the horrible stomach cramps that I expected. A few, yes, but not nearly what imagined.

Physically, I am better now. I stopped bleeding at the beginning of the week, my lower back pain dissipated (though I'm having some now, but I think it's unrelated) and I'm not as run down and achy. I have healed.

Emotionally, I am better, too. I'm not randomly crying anymore, not trying to remember why I have to get out of bed. I am going on with my life. But sometimes, when I talk about it, I tear up, I cry a little, I get that catch in my voice.

This baby was wanted, and never got to be.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Things That Rock Thursday's (on Saturday)

For this week's Things That Rock, I decided to find a new product to try out. I had heard about the Elf makeup eyeshadow from Amanda and decided to check out the product line. I already had a really nice eyeshadow that I love, plus I'm really really particular about the color of my eye shadows, so I didn't do that. But since I walked into the bathroom the other day to find that Fuss had pulled my bad of makeup colors to the ground and was systematically going through it, and had broken my current favorite lipstick, I was looking for lipsticks. (And if anyone has seen where she put my sheer shiny lipgloss, I'd really appreciate you letting me know)

So I found this set of 2 lip duos that you can mix together to make even more colors. I can't wear the pinky color on it's own, being a redhead, and typically avoiding any and all things pink, but if I mix it with any of the others, it works pretty nicely.

It also didn't hurt that I got all this for $3. Yeah, I can't seem to find another drugstore brand that will give me a lipstick for $3, can you? Do they even make Wet'n'Wild anymore?

This stuff is light and creamy and feels nice on my lips. I won't say it lasts real long, or anything, but I can deal with that, when needed. (I also have REALLY really dry and flaky lips, usually, so I always slather tons of Blistex on my lips and so lipstick never stays on my mouth for very long, so it might not be the lipstick that has the longevity problem, if you know what I mean...) but it does last a decent amount of time and the darker ones end up almost staining the lip, so there is at least a trace of color for awhile, even after I eat or drink a little bit.


All in all, I am very happy with my new find. I'll be trying out more for the Elf line in the future.

Friday, November 13, 2009

7 Quick Takes

1. There has been an explosion of language from my nearly two-year-old. I remember my speech pathologist friend, Cherry, tell me that there is "an explosion" of language "around 18 months" but I didn't really get what she meant and for us it happened around 20 months. Oh. My. And of course, now she wants to USE those words, too, so whenever she sees something that she knows the word for, she has to tell me about it. "Ball! Ball! Ball!" every time we see a - you guessed it - ball (or a circle, because circles are balls, too, you know). "Wuh-why!" she cheers when she sees a butterfly. I can't hardly take her to Target - when we pass the Pet Department it's "Mow! Woof! Woof! Mow!" or the Baby Department (where half the stuff has either sports balls, animals or girlie bugs) so I hear "Bee?! Moo?! Ball! Wuh-why!" It's fun, but a long trip can get rather noisy!

2. My mom has been wearing a butterfly (wuh-why!) necklace for years. Her ex-boyfriend gave it to her (the most serious one after my dad) and she wore it constantly for years. When she got remarried (to someone else, thank goodness) I thought it was inappropriate to continue wearing it, but she loved it, so she kept doing it. I offered to buy her a new butterfly, but she insisted that that one was so perfect, blah, blah. This past weekend, though she finally found one at an art festival and she was wearing it today. I'm incredibly glad that the other is gone. Her new one is spectacular, too - blue opal and crystals. I've never been so happy for her to get rid of a piece of jewelry. (It's not gone, in theory, but I'm hoping it will be hanging out much less often.)

3. We bought Fuss a "Big Girls Use the Potty!" book. We seem to be surrounded by almost two-year-olds being potty trained and I'm hoping that she will take to it soon and easily. Don't worry, I'm not holding my breath.

4. I went to Babies R Us today with my mom, the main goal to buy gifts for the 2 baby showers coming this month and the second goal to look for and price the needs and wants of Fuss (bedrails for a big-girl bed, babydolls and blocks, etc.) I really want to get her a baby doll, but the dolls these days are either too technical (I'm creeped out every time I walk down the babydoll aisle at Target and these dolls start crawling in place due to their motion sensors) or ugly or with hair that will not tolerate my active toddler. Anybody got any suggestions?

5. We're going to a soup and games party tonight with our Sunday School class. Each couple is bringing a soup and a game and there are no kids allowed. We got a babysitter and everything.

6. Have I mentioned that Fuss loves the music to the NCIS theme? Whenever it comes on (and Veterans Day, for example, they had a marathon on USA network) she dances and dances like crazy to the music. She'll stop what she's doing or race into the room if she hears it suddenly. So cute.

7. We've had a bit of a cold front this week, and we're breaking out the long sleeves, light jackets and starting to leave the doors open (screen doors closed) to enjoy the cooler air. I love this time of year. It's not so cold that my teeth are chattering, but it is a nice break from the usual heat that Florida is known for.

For more quick takes click here.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The latest...

I have finally stopped bleeding from the miscarriage. It felt like it took forever, especially for a girl who is used to about 5 days – tops – of bleeding during AF. I go the week of Thanksgiving to get my blood work done and make sure all the Hcg is out of my system. I’m hoping to get my next period by the end of the month and then be able to return to TTC.

Had to tell the last person who knew I was pregnant that I no longer was yesterday. My mom told her best friend and she is throwing a baby shower for her daughter this weekend. Since my mom hadn’t gotten around to telling her the new update, I had to call her yesterday and tell her my situation and that I wasn’t sure I’d be up to going to a baby shower. I know that H’s baby has nothing to do with mine, that her 3rd accidental pregnancy has nothing to do with my very wanted, lost baby, but I’m not sure that I really can sit there for a couple of hours and coo over tiny baby clothes and be as happy as I should for her. I am happy for her. She loves being a mother (and is one of those “Fertile Myrtles who gets pregnant when her husband looks at her funny) and has 2 boys already and this baby is a girl, which she really wanted. So, I’m very happy for her, but I’m not really ready to do it. To sit there with a smile pasted on my face. No matter how good the food is (my mom’s best friend is like Martha Stewart without the ego and attitude – she was my wedding coordinator/designer).

I’m dealing. I’m dealing pretty well. I teared up at my follow up appointment with the midwife. And I teared up talking to my mom’s friend. But I’m not randomly crying for the most part, and I’m not moping around as much as I was last week. But my lost baby will always claim a corner of my heart and I will never forget.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wear Purple and have a cream puff...

Today (Wednesday) is Maddie Spohr’s birthday. Fuss and I are wearing purple today in her honor, both because purple was Maddie’s favorite color and because it is the color for the March of Dimes. I had purple ribbon to tie on the diaper bag, but in my (late) rush to get out the door to work, I left it at home. But regardless, we are remembering Maddie today.

Of course, it is also Veteran’s Day today, so many businesses and office are closed. My particular county is still running schools, but many of the surrounding ones are not. I think it’s important to remember this day and all the hard work our troops have put in throughout the years – then and now. Two of my step-brothers are active military (one currently over seas in the Army, one in port stateside for the Navy at the moment), one of my favorite cousins is an ex-Marine (how do you say that? Former Marine? Retired Marine? He did one tour and then didn’t reenlist), my uncle was Air Force, my grandfather retired Navy (he did half his career in the Navy in WWII). In addition I have several friends who are active military, of various branches. I very much support our troops and have always had an appreciation for what they do.

Missing

I miss being pregnant.
This is a strange thing to say because while I was pregnant, I barely felt pregnant and what I felt wasn't fun. But every time I think about what it was like to be pregnant and the nice parts of my pregnancy with Fuss, I am sad that I am no longer that way.

I want a baby. This is no surprise, since we were in fact trying to have a baby when we got pregnant, but I really wanted to be pregnant right now. Several friends are pregnant - one who's baby will be about 3 months older than mine would have been and who's baby will be born within days of when mine would have been. A friend of mine from the pregnancy message board who has a daughter a few months older than Fuss got her BFP within a week or so of mine and I was so looking forward to going through this with her again.

I'm seriously considering trying again this month instead of waiting a month. Maybe that's crazy. It probably is. And I don't know that Daddy Fuss would be on board.

Every time I think about a tiny newborn, I ache to hold it in my arms. And I'm surrounded by upcoming newborn babies. I saw a tiny new born today - a friend's less than 3 week old, 7 lb baby. He was adorable, but made me think about my baby that I'll never get to hold.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Ten on Tuesday

1. What gift are you most proud of giving?
The Christmas after my parents split up, I bought and gave my mom a sapphire bracelet. It was not cheap, but not terribly expensive. I gave her a bunch of presents that year and it was the best Christmas we spent together up to that point. My dad was terrible about giving presents and had given up giving her gifts a few years before. I wanted to make sure my mom had an extra special Christmas to make up for it. That was the first year that I remember being way more excited about what I was giving than what I was going to receive.


2. What’s the best gift you ever received?
My engagement ring or my "pushing" gift from Fuss's birth. I love them both and wear them as often as I can.

3. In honor of my husband: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
In first grade a boy in my class jumped on a metal pole I was dragging and split my finger open to the bone. I got 32 stitches and had to hang out in the ER all day waiting for the plastic surgeon to finish his golf game or something.

4. They say everyone gets 15 minutes of fame. Who’s 15 minutes has gone on far too long? (The Gosselins are not acceptable answers, be more creative.)
Octomom would have to be my first answer. But there really are so many...

5. You have 20 minutes and $1000. What do you buy?
Likely a computer. I would love a nice, brand-new lap top.

6. Tell me three blogs that I need to read.
1. MightyMaggie: Because she is fun and real and just a really awesome person. I wish we live on the same side of the country, because I want to be her best friend. Plus, she posts 5 days a week!
2. Julia @ Here Be Hippogriffs: I've been reading Julia forever (okay, since 2006 or so) and I get so excited when I see a new post. She has some of the cutest kids ever and I just adore her writing style and well, she's just so much fun.
3. The Mom Job: Amanda always has such interesting topics and while she is usually a "Mommy blogger" she talks about plenty of stuff that isn't mom-related, too.

There are a couple of others that I would have listed, but you only asked for 3 and my other favorites are password protected.

7. Would you rather go without pizza or ice cream for the rest of your life?
Pizza, I guess. No, ice cream. I can't decide! I can go long periods without pizza, but then, when I want it, I HAVE to have it. And ice cream? Well, me and Daddy Fuss love us some ice cream...

8. Would you rather go to a beach or a snowy mountain?
Mountain. But then, I live near the beach, so it's not so exciting for me. And I burn easy, so too much sun, etc. And you get all that sand everywhere... Give me a mountain vacation any day.

9. Are you a night owl or a morning person?
Before I got married I would have said morning person with no question. But I married a night owl and we seem to have evened each other out - we both go to bed before 11 and like to sleep as long as the Fuss will let us.

10. What word do you always misspell?
Necessary.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Well-behaved

We met up with some friends this weekend and attempted to take Fuss to her first art museum. Not our best parenting choice, since we ended up spending $34 for one of us to go through the museum and one of us to chase her around it for 10 minutes and ultimately take her back outside to play and run around the empty, Sunday afternoon campus of the local university housed next door, but whatever. After she escaped the museum, she was suddenly very happy and she and her Daddy had plenty of fun, as you can see above. She also enjoyed playing with everyone's stickers (what they gave us to prove that we paid our entrance fee) once we all came out.

We went to dinner and then back to my friend's house for dessert. She was our entertainment in between bits of conversation. She even seemed to be flirting with my friends' husbands. One did okay with her, one had NO clue what to do with this little toddler girl who wanted to sit on his lap and have him read her a story. But everyone had a good time and minus a 30-second moment when she was told not to touch something, where she started to cry and then got distracted by her crush offering her something else, she was perfectly behaved the entire afternoon/evening. I love when she is so well behaved in public. It makes me want to show her off even more.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I'm so tired of being here...

(thursday)
An old friend of mine had a baby a couple of weeks ago. We were friends in high school (in that mentoring sort of way - I was several years older than she and sort of "adopted" her her freshman year) and reconnected recently. I've really enjoyed getting to know her again and am very excited about her new baby.

Monday afternoon I received an email from her, asking if I wanted to come by this week to meet her son and hang out, etc. Obviously, monday was not a great day for me to be dealing with new baby stuff, but since she had no idea, I wrote her back to say that I had been dealing w/ the sniffles (which was true) and didn't want to expose him to any bug I might have, but that I'd call her the end of the week and maybe next week?

In the past week I've also received not one but 2 invitations to other old friends' baby showers that will be coming up this month as well.

Is this the big irony or is this God telling me to get back on the horse? (she says with a sarcastic tone)

I'm finally starting to feel a little better. My bleeding has slowed significantly (I told my husband this news this morning and informed him that this meant that we might get to make love again some day - he was overjoyed) and I'm having more "normal" times than not. Of course, this means that when it does hit me, it's even harder (that whole when your highs are high, your lows are lower thing), but I think I'm doing a lot better.

Sometimes that make me feel guilty - should I be getting over it 5 days later? The thing is, I WANT to get past it. I want to be able to move on. I don't want to mope around for weeks and months and I don't want to be scared to try again.

Both Daddy Fuss and I are concerned about what caused it. Our midwife told us that there was (likely) nothing we did that caused it (the first time she said "nothing," the second time she said "likely nothing", I imagine that there are statistics to support that rarely can a miscarriage be prevented, but there IS a difference between rarely and never.) I know that statistics show that usually an early miscarriage is usually a genetic problem. But since I bled after sex, and then the miscarriage started right after sex the next time, I'm wondering if that could have effected it. Also, I'm wondering if I had low progesterone again and starting the progesterone earlier could have helped. I will be discussing this with my midwife next week when I go in for a follow up.


(Today's title is the opening line from an Evanescence song)

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Seriously?

I JUST want to STOP bleeding.

That is all.

More interesting post below....

Blanket

A little over 2 years ago, when we got the official "yes, you are pregnant" results from my GYN, I rushed to the baby department at Target. I found the perfect thing to celebrate our new little bean - a green, incredibly soft blanket with Winnie the Pooh on it. It was so pretty and soft and perfectly gender neutral and exactly what we planned for our nursery (sage green, Pooh themed) and as I'm obsessed w/ blankets, it was even more perfect.

Unfortunately, not long after that, they discontinued that exact blanket & my BFF's second son had chose that one (she had one, too, sharing my love for incredibly soft blankets) for his "blankie" by the time Fuss was born. When Fuss (and I) showed affection for another (granted, prettier - my favorite shower gift from one of my SILs) lavender blanket, I needed a second one. It could be procured on ebay, reasonably priced, so since BFF was searching high and low for the green one which I'd only used twice, she bought it from me and I bought Fuss a perfect copy of her lavender blanket as my own spare. Logically, this made perfect sense. Then and now. But the day I left that blanket at BFF's house, I remember feeling a pang of sadness. That was the first thing I bought for my baby and I gave it away...

Anyhow, I was determined to not make that mistake again and when I bought first items for subsequent offspring, I would hold on to them.

The budget being what it is, I hadn't yet searched for Numfar's item - a blanket or stuffed animal, suitably gender neutral for the unknown, but something soft, sweet and sentimental that I could bring to the hospital and baby could love for years and know that he or she was wanted from the very beginning. It seems a little odd to shop for one now, but I wish I had done so earlier.

Friday, November 6, 2009

7 Quick Takes

1. I'm reading It Sucked and the I Cried: How I had a baby, a breakdown, and a much needed margarita by Heather Armstrong. Probably not my best timing, but I finally found it at the library and I grabbed when I had the chance. So far, it is wonderful. She writes so well and only a couple of chapters in I already feel like I know her. I've read her blog, occasionally, but not regularly.

2. I sort of accidentally started writing in time to begin at the beginning of the month and so far have a lot of content spewing forth from my head and hands. So, after several years of wanting to to do it, but being scared to (I'm really terrible about doing stuff like this) I finally signed up for NaBloPoMo. I'm actually sort of proud of myself.

3. My husband's 2nd-in-command boss (there's the owner, then this guy and then my husband) was let go this week for setting up a competing company. While I don't blame the boss for letting him go, we are worried about what this means for my husband's workload.

4. I'm dying to get some new clothes - some really nice ones. Specifically shoes at the moment, which is especially odd for me, since I'm not a big shoe person. I'm more about the comfort than the looks and I'm dying to get some really pretty shoes - peep toe heels or kitten heels - that really aren't comfortable, usually. I also love boots, but that, at least isn't as surprising. I think it might have something to do with some of the books I've been reading lately which mention things like this. I'm obviously really influenced by advertising and that sort of thing.

5. We had lunch at a new Cajun restaurant the other day. I've been obsessing about the vacation we want to take to New Orleans lately, and I'm now even more motivated to go and to eat more Cajun food. I love all that stuff - ettouffe, shrimp creole, beignets, gumbo, etc. I also once had a little bit of heaven called crab au gratin while in New Orleans. Sigh.

6. My Numfar will never get to do the dance of joy. I'm really sad about that.

7. Fuss ripped the back page out of a library book recently. Thankfully, it was a blank page, but it had the library security sticker on it. Thankfully, the man checking in books was very nice about it.

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