Monday, April 30, 2007

Normal is the watchword (a.k.a A long post-weekend post)

We had a busy weekend, but it was reasonably relaxing. Had I not been menstrual, it probably would have been perfect. I didn’t have great sleep, though so I’m still kind of draggy. Yesterday morning, I completely forgot to temp. The dog started to scratch at the door and I just got up – no thought to the thermometer. I didn’t realize it for another several hours. Oops. It’s okay. It’s the very beginning of the month, so no biggie, right?

Mr. Moose and I had a great talk last night about ttc. We talked about what we were willing and not willing to do to have a child, how we’re going to handle it if we’re diagnosed infertile, our worries and fears. It was really a great conversation and I feel so good about it.

We had dinner with one of our youth group kids and her parents over the weekend. We worked as the Youth Leaders at our former church for 3 years. We started before we got engaged and stopped about 9 months after we got married. Our church was very small, so they had no full-time youth staff – we were it. They paid us for our 2nd and third years there – a small amount, but it was nice extra income. When we left it was due to a conflict and we weren’t really able to say good-bye in a real way. I’ve kept in contact with this girl (my favorite, since she was so much like me) ever since and also off and on with several others. Her parents invited us over for a surprise birthday celebration for her on Saturday. One of the other kids was one of “our kids” as well, so it was nice to see her, too. We didn’t know the other 3 kids, but having dinner with them was sort of like being back in the Youth Group. They were laughing and cutting up and it was great. I never realized how much I missed it. When the kids left to go swing dancing, we left, too, though I think her parents would have liked us to stay and talk about what happened. It’s been more than a year, but it’s still hard for us to talk about. Since it was late, we were able to make excuses and leave smoothly. I like her parents a lot. I just wasn’t truly prepared to have that conversation. Part of it is that we didn’t want to talk negatively about people in the church – people who they still see every week who hurt us very badly.
The other thing that saddens me is that this girl - we’ll call her Kay – is miserable in the group now. The new leaders, while nice people, are incredibly conservative. Kay is not your typical conservative teen (if there is such a thing). She is the sweetest, nicest, person, but she has a dark personality and a dark sense of humor. (For instance, she recently was allowed to redecorate her bathroom. She chose a graveyard theme.) She also prefers to dress somewhat goth-like. It’s part of her artsy personality, not a burning desire to live like a vampire. They don’t understand that and have even gone so far as to tell her parents she has “an attitude problem.” This sparks a whole new debate to me about judgmental Christians and frustrates me to no end. God doesn’t care what clothes you wear. This relates to both labels vs. non-labels (which many people seem to remember) and style and color. This means that God doesn’t care if I dress in Southern Baptist “Sunday Best” or as if I’m going to Gra*teful De*ad concert. As long as I am dressing modestly (Kay always does, ironically more so than some of the other girls who dress in pink and frills and do not have an “attitude problem.”) God doesn’t mind what is worn on the outside.

Wow. I feel like I’ve been on a soapbox. Sorry. I just get really frustrated with people sometimes.

I’m feeling much better about my BFN than I was at the end of last week. Truthfully, beginning this month until the end of summer will give me the EDD that I truly want, so no big deal. I’m looking forward to getting PG. And I pray that God wants to move quickly, but overall I’m willing to wait on His timing instead of my own.

BTW, my title today is borrowed from the 2nd Season, first episode of Veronica Mars. Veronica is one of my new favorite shows. We've been watching the old episodes through (where you rent through the mail) since we got into the current 3rd season last fall. I love it. Mr. Moose loves it. I thought the title appropriate for my discussion on *Kay's* issues.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Shoe, Shoo!

Just want you to know that I am going to be attempting to add pictures to my blog. I took some pretty ones of the flowers Mr. Moose bought me and of the flowers we’ve been planting in our yard, etc. They’ll probably go up this weekend, since they are a) on the home computer and b) I can’t seem to program well from this darn Mac. Don’t get me wrong, I love Mac computers. But there are many sites, including blogger and BabyCenter that are not as Mac-friendly as they should be. I guess they assume that Mac users are so evolved that they have all the programming code memorized or something. Mr. Moose is a PC geek, so we get a kick out those Mac/PC commercials on TV. LOVE them.

More downward creeping on the temperature. Pretty sure this cycle will end in the next 2 days. I’m not feeling overly lucky right now.

I’ve been obsessing w/ shoes for the last few days. I am not typically a shoe person. I have only a minor amount of shoes compared to most women.
My shoes:
Walking shoes (comfy outlet mall athletic shoes)
Knock-off Birks that Mr. Moose convinced me to buy since he practically lives in his
Black loafers
Brown Eastlands (the world greatest shoe – I’ve had them forever and can’t bear to let them go)
2 pairs white strappy sandals
White sandals
Blue heels that I hardly ever wear anymore
Black boots (knee-high)
Brown boots (1 ankle length, 1 knee high)

That’s it. Seriously. Oh and slippers. But those hardly count as SHOES.

But this week I’ve been obsessing over shoes. Heels, specifically, though I also want some black flats. I typically don’t wear heels, but I want some. So I think I’ve convinced Mr. Moose to let me go shopping this weekend. It’s a consolation prize.

I’m so incredibly moody right now. It’s probably PMS. I actually hope it is. On the off chance I’m pregnant, I don’t think I could stand to feel this way for months.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Mr. Moose surprised me when I came home last night. He had gotten an earlier flight out of Ft Lauderdale and came home, cleaned up the kitchen, cleared the dining room, filled the propane tank so we could grill for dinner and bought me tulips that were incredibly amazing. Then he cooked me a delicious dinner on the grill. Yum.

My temps are creeping downward. Looks like I’m SOL. I’m continuing to act like I don’t know (no drinking), but I’m not holding out much hope at the moment. I’m CD 24, 12 DPO. I’m going to test this weekend if AF hasn’t shown up, but I’m not feeling very hopeful.

On the board I frequent, there are a lot of upcoming testers this weekend and a lot of despair. Maybe it’s the moon or something.

On the other hand – I always wanted my own birthday to be in February. If I conceive next month, my baby will be a Feb birthday. So that’s a positive. Right?

I'm on CD 24. Shouldn't I be feeling gross and PMS-y? I feel better than I have all week.

And just for an update on yesterday's post, the potential bomber was found, and all is clear.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The with cycle news and bomb threats

My spotting has stopped. I’ve been nauseous off and on and my chest is a little sore. My girlfriend S from work that has the same cycle as me (but is not ttc) started early, though, so I’m sort of expecting to start early if I’m going to. Note to self: carry protection in purse.

Mr. Moose is out of town again, but only for the day. He left very early this morning and comes home late this evening. That’s not so bad. I get a couple of hours of TV time all to myself and still get someone to snuggle up to tonight.

There has been a potential threat to someone in my building that may or may not include guns and explosives. Creepy. We’re all a little nervous, but the bosses are being purposefully vague as to what they want us/will allow us to do about our attendance on Friday (the day it’s all supposed to go down). On one hand, it seems far-fetched that anything would happen like that – and then I think about all the crazy things that have occurred in America in the last several years. Who wants to take that chance?

(The title of my post if in the style of the episode names of Friends. All their episodes were names "The one with..." and a description of the main plot point. I just felt like being odd today.)

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Hope, Hair and Hannah the infertile

I’ve bounced back and forth today on whether or not I’m hopeful or depressed about this coming weekends POAS-fest. My spotting has slowed – I even went for a long walk at lunch today and there was really no increase in flow or anything when I got back. (You know how exercise always makes the flow heavier when AF is around?) I’m still not sure if this is AF or implantation, but I’m still holding out hope.

My mother came out and asked me this morning if I was pregnant. I told her I didn’t think so. I told her I was due this week and I was having the pre-AF spotting and she commented that some women spot throughout pregnancy. I tried to play it down. Does she really think I’ll forget to tell her or something? True, I’m not planning for her to be the first person I tell – but seriously?

Fertility Friend says I should test on Sunday (CD29). Maybe. Maybe not. I think I can wait until Friday. Mr. Moose always wants me to wait an extra day or so, so we don’t waste tests. I’d rather know sooner than later. My goal is to wait until Saturday. I’ve had cycles that range from 26-30 days. 28 seems reasonable. Right?

Did I mention I got my hair cut this weekend? I’ve been growing it out since my drastic chop right after my wedding and it was essentially 2 very, very long layers. Well, long for me. Top of my bra strap in back. But I felt like a pyramid head and wanted to possibly get some longer bangs back. I’ve had bangs my whole life and lost them when I got married. But I hate my forehead, so I need SOMETHING there. It looks pretty cute, but kinda goofy when I curl it into tighter curls, so who knows if I will keep it this way for good? I have naturally curly hair, but it’s really loose curls – more like random waves than curls even. I get let it go natural sometimes, but it’s not perfect. Usually have to touch up around my face where it stays just straight enough to look dorky with my curls, but not straight enough that it doesn’t need fixing when I wear it straighter. I’ve been blowing it out since I got my hair cut, so it’s nice and smooth. Looks really great that way.

I was watching Season 2 of Veronica Mars last night and kept saying, “see, I want my hair like that!” to Mr. Moose. It’s close, but her bangs were shorter.

I’m curious as to how many women out there who are infertile cannot afford to take further steps? I look at our age and financial status, and while Mr. Moose makes good money and I do all right, I know there is no way we could swing multiple infertility treatments over and over. And adoption? You’ve got to be kidding me. This is not factoring in the emotional toll that is taken either. And time off work to deal with appointments, to deal with stress (“mental health days”). I can’t be the only woman who wonders if there are payment plans for adoption. “Do you take Visa?”

I know I’ve written about this before, but I’m starting to wonder what we’re doing to ourselves that so many are struggling so hard with infertility. You look at the boards, or even at Julie’s list of blogs and you see ALL these women struggling, struggling with infertility due to a whole myriad of problems. WHAT is it that we are doing in this modern age that causes this? I mean, I know there were people back in the day who couldn’t have children - even the Bible mentions this (Hannah’s miracle child, Samuel, Rachel’s miracle boys Joseph and Benjamin, etc.) - but it seems like there are so many more now.

Monday, April 23, 2007

I have readers! Wow!

Heather, at Unexplain This! Nominated me for a Thinking Bloggers Award (I’m so excited! I have readers!) and so I have to share 5 blogs that make me think in return.

1. Heather, of course. I love that she is sharing her thoughts on what it’s like to be a new mother, and that she shares how rough it is to go back to work after maternity leave. She’s also recently done a series on painful memories of her Jr High days that have made me think about my own experiences.
2. Arwen. I’m not Catholic, but I am involved in spiritual things and Arwen’s struggle with unexplained infertility made me think from the very beginning. I love the thought that goes into each of her posts, how she tackles difficult subjects and educates (very well, I might add) her readers on her beliefs and those of the church in relation to current topics, like infertility, parenting, etc. I also love the adorable stories about Camilla and the great pictures she posts. The fact that she is a fellow Mac blogger also gives her points with me!
3. Julie, queen Julie. Anyone struggling with infertility and reading the blog scene has most likely come across her blog. I came across it myself when I was first thinking about getting pregnant. I’ve read her entire story, several years of archives. It made me laugh, it made me cry. She is always on top of things as far as current discussions of IF.
4. Jill at Langer Loksh. Jill was my first personal blog. Her son, Charlie, has a birth defect that she and her husband have to make some decisions about in the future and she has an adorable daughter, Summer who is a constant source of entertainment. Jill makes me think about motherhood, about how I would react in her situation and about Disney Princesses (you’ll have to check her out to find out what I’m talking about).
5. Julia, the now-famous (at least to readers) IF blogger. Julia has caused many discussions between Mr. Moose and I about what lengths we will go to to have children of our own. I greatly admire her ability to stay positive through the years of her struggle, and also her ability to deal with the exceptional child that is her son, Patrick who probably knows more about math and numbers at 4 years old than I do at 26 (this is not saying much. Numbers are not my strong suit).

So, ladies, if you are reading this, I hope you too will meet the challenge of writing about 5 blogs that make you think. And if not, just know that I appreciate all the work you put into your blogs and the sharing that you do.

In cycle news: I started spotting yesterday morning. I had a temp drop and then it spiked again this morning. I’m getting a little excited, but I’m cautious because I’m a week away from testing and the spike could be because I have a bit of a sore throat and could be getting sick. I’ve already asked Dr. Google what cold medicines I can take while pregnant, just in case. Thankfully, my favorite cold medicine, Tylenol Cold is on the approved list, per WebMD.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Just a quick note

Being on a Mac is wonderful – except when you want to play with your blog. Heather asked for a picture – not only do I have to take one, but I’ll have to get Mr. Moose to post it from his PC, since there are limited option when it comes to programming, etc. when using blogger on a Mac. But eventually, I will, honest.

My body is doing some interesting things this month – or maybe I’m just more aware lately. I’ve noticed more tenderness in my chest and abdomen (ovarian pain) I’m feeling oddly hopeful, though I’m not sure why. I had this dream – recently where my mother-in-law was in such a stage of happy shock that she was going to be a grandmother. It was sort of a weird dream. I’ve seen signs everywhere, but I’m also a little afraid that this hope is going to be false hope and I’m just going to fall harder when AF comes at the end of the month. Somehow I will manage, I’m sure. And I know that many women have to wait a lot longer than I have thus far – please don’t think I’m not aware of that fact. Even my own mother had to wait a number of years to get me.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

It's in the bag

I carry a bag on a regular basis. I began this in Jr High (in addition to my book bag) as a way to carry around my $ and feminine stuff without showing it to everyone. We wore uniforms, and the girls’ skirts didn’t have pockets. I stopped carrying a purse my freshman year of college when I lived on campus in a N Georgia small school. We carried wallets with our keys attached and that was all we needed. Backpacks carried the rest. I began again when I returned home for good and didn’t live my life mere minutes from my home base.
I’m envious of those women who carry tiny cute little bags and purses. I don’t. I carry a large bag. My main requirement is that it is big enough to hold a book along with my other usual items. I went to a wedding for an old friend in 2003. One of my good friends from high school, Jessa, was there and she grabbed my purse and looked for the book she knew she would find. She laughed when she found it, 5 years after high school (when she and I hadn’t seen each other in awhile) and said “some things never change.” I learned the big bag thing from my mother, who while I was growing up, carried a large bag similar to that of beach bag wherever we went. I like having everything within my reach. But Mr. Moose is constantly telling me that I need to “lighten up” my bag. I’ve tried carrying smaller bags. But then I end up carrying my book separate which is annoying, and I never seem to have all my little gadgets that make my life so much easier. Plus, where would he put his wallet and phone when we go out? I will share with you what I carry and then probably laugh at myself when I’m done.

In my purse:
1 wallet containing picture ID, $20 cash, assorted coinage, Blockbuster card and my bankcards. Plus assorted membership cards, library card, a mostly-used Target gift card I keep forgetting about, and assorted receipts. (I used to carry pictures, but have stopped that of late)
2 check books (personal and joint)
1 calendar with assorted business cards tucked in for convenience. ( I used to have business card book with my own and others cards, but that became too bulky)
Nail kit (a gift from friend Kim at work for my birthday last year – it’s a really pretty leather case with this metal scroll work on the outside)
Sewing kit
Mini bag filled with 3 lipsticks and a moisturizing lipstick
Trident gum
Headache medicine of assorted brands, strengths and chemical makeup
Powder compact
Salt packets
Ring of keys to my daddy’s stores
Book (currently a Nora Roberts paperback, but this varies on a regular basis)
Feminine hygiene products of varying strengths
Joss Stone CD that I need to return to my step-father
Vanilla Sugar lip balm
iPod Shuffle
Nail files
Sample tin of lotion
Pocket knife
Umbrella sleeve
My new Nokia 5300 phone

In cycle news: My temp was sky high this morning (where it should be post-O) so I’m more confident in the accuracy of my O date. My chest is very tender – I discovered this last night when Mr. Moose was tickling me. Ouch! So I’m 4 DPO and counting. Oddly, I’ve been feeling quite hopeful today, though I don’t know why. Mood swings, I guess. Hormones all crazy-like.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

His grace is enough

I woke, repeatedly, last night with a song playing in my head. But only the chorus. I don’t actually know the rest of the song. It’s a modern praise and worship song that I never learned at my pretty traditional former church, but they use it a lot at our new uber-contemporary church. “Your grace is enough. Your grace is enough. Your grace is enough for me… Your grace is enough, I’m covered by Your love, Your grace is enough for me.” Was it the catchy melody that caused it to be playing in my head? Or was God trying to tell me that needs to be my mantra? I've been slipping in my prayer life of late - I have no problem sending up quick "please do this" prayers regularly, but conversations with God? Not so much. I've heard from several people that letting go and telling God that HE is enough to fill and complete my life is what it takes to truly be complete. I know this. And I'm still not sure I'm there yet. It's kind of like in high school when one of my classmates told me she stopped looking for a boyfriend and then one just appeared and so i told everyone I knew that i wasn't loking for a boyfriend (with the thought that this was the way to get one).

At 2 AM this morning (yes, I was up) I started to get very discouraged about this whole baby making business. Of course, I would imagine that at 2 AM many things look hopeless, so I shouldn’t really let it get to me. And I read the stories of others who struggle so much more than I have – longer, harder with less hope and more drama than I have yet to experience. And yet I’m very discouraged. I feel like it’s never going to happen. It’s funny, because I felt that way when Mr. Moose took his sweet time proposing. By the time he had finally gotten around to it, I’d been ready for 2 years.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Whatever (I can't think of a good title)

I had a brief hormonal breakdown yesterday morning. I was feeling so incredibly ugly and fat and cow-like that I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror or have the lights on so Mr. Moose could look at me. He was mostly able to talk me out of it and I did get up and go to church, but I’m just so frustrated! I hate exersize and I love food, so dieting has always been very hard for me. I lost a lot of weight once on the South Beach diet, but every time since then that I’ve gone on it, I’ve gotten kidney stones from eating too much protein (and therefore too much calcium) and had to quit again. I’m attempting to eat better, healthier this week – taking it in small steps. Mr. Moose wants to start walking in the evenings again. I liked it a little when we were walking every night, but I always have a problem where I end up running to the door at the end of the walk because I need to use the restroom. My funny tummy and all.

In cycle news, I think I may have Oed? Not sure though. My temp this AM was in my usual post-O range and I had had a really low one Saturday followed by a higher one yesterday and an even higher one now. What is confusing me is that I’m ovulating earlier and earlier each month and last month, I ovulated earlier than normal and than had a long cycle. I thought your luteal phase didn’t change in length? Not that I’m complaining – I thought my LP was too short before – but I’m still confused. I’m having breast tenderness and lower back pain this morning.

The comments on the boards are that I Oed over the weekend. Okay. But maybe not based on past history. We shall see what tomorrow brings. Mr. Moose and I are going to have to continue with the Baby dance for another few days, JIC.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

On music, drinks and spring babies

I really want a spring baby. I have had this thought before, but I related it to wanting my sister to be here for the birth and recently found out that she will not be able to return to the states next spring (unless finances change drastically, and since and her husband are missionaries, that is unlikely). I would love to get PG over the summer and have a spring baby. I also really want to be PG, regardless of birth month. I am still trying to get PG with all my might.

I had a crappy day at work yesterday and went home and just wanted to drink. I had planned to stop drinking for the month over the weekend (Saturday was my last drink) since I’m “only drinking when AF is in town” in case I get PG. I needed to relax last night, so Mr. Moose told me to have a drink anyway. It was nice.

I’m on CD 10 and I feel like I’m about to get my period. I have lower backaches that come from inside (not like sore muscles) and mild discomfort (like light cramps) in my abdomen. This began yesterday afternoon. Yuck. What is going on here?

In non-cycle news:
Smarshy did a great post today on Buggin’s iPod choices and asked the follow up question, “what’s on your iPod?” I choose to answer him here, to give both you (the couple of readers I have) and myself a break from the cycle stuff. However, it would take me FOREVER to type it all out, so I will give you highlights.

Alanis Morissette: multiple selections from Jagged Little Pill. This brings me back to high school (when Ironic was oh, so popular and was on the most requested list for WEEKS and when it was cool to write out song lyrics you loved and share them with your friends and wanna be boyfriends). I love her dark humor. Ironic, Mary Jane, Not the Doctor, Head Over Feet and You Learn

Allison Krauss: When You Say Nothing At All. This song was sung at our wedding during the “pre-show” by a girl who was in the Youth Group we worked with at the church. Our pastor’s son, Seth, who was also in the YG at the time did the accompaniment on the guitar and he looks like a Beatle (early years) in the wedding video. The bowl haircut, the suit and tie. Funny. Very pretty song.

All-4-One: Again, high school memories. I remember declaring that I would fall in love with any guy who dedicated this song to me. No one ever did.

The theme from Angel (the TV show). Hey. It’s really pretty and I was a fan.

BNL: Mr. Moose hearts BNL. We’ve even been to a concert on New Year’s Eve. Best concert EVER. I’m mostly a Stunt fan, so I have It’s All Been Done and Who Needs Sleep.

Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson (second album) highlights. I love Before He Cheats and Since U Been Gone and Behind These Hazel Eyes.

Lady Marmalade, Moulin Rouge version. I love this soundtrack. My sister got me hooked on the movie. Beautiful.

Evanescence: Going Under and My Immortal. If I were to audition for American Idol, there is a good chance I would sing My immortal, just because I think it’s beautiful.

The Fray: I got hooked on How To Save a Life during the Grey’s Anatomy promos this year. I HEART this album. It was an impulse buy of Mr. Moose’s for Valentine’s Day this year. It was a great purchase.

Jann Arden’s Insensitve. Again with the high school memories, but this is a GREAT SONG! I remember my old friend Carrie and I screaming “How do you teach your heart it’s a crime to fall in love again” every time we would listen to it.

Jewel’s Foolish Games. Okay, maybe this will be my American Idol audition.

Mandy Moore singing “Someday We’ll Know” on the A Walk To Remember soundtrack.
Come What May by Nicole Kidman and Ewan Macgregor in Moulin Rouge. I consider this one of my favorite love songs. Ever.

Norah Jones’s Love Me Tender. This is just so beautiful.

Pink: Don’t Let Me Get Me. I actually prefer her first hit There You Go, but for some reason I don’t have that one.

Higher Ground by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. A very upbeat song for when I’m sluggish.

Sandi Patti’s Make His Praise Glorious, Switchfoot’s Only Hope (another audition option) and You, Stacie Orrico’s Stuck, SHeDaisy’s Don’t Worry ‘Bout A Thing (my mantra).

Assorted Tim McGraw (mostly from Set This Circus Down and Dance Hall Doctors), Angry American by Toby Keith (my cousin the ex-Marine played this at his wedding just before he went off to war in Iraq) and The Association’s Cherish, Time For Livin’ and Enter the Young. I grew up not allowed to listen to “secular” radio. My “rock music” was the music of my mom’s generation – I literally listened to records in the 80’s. My favorite group was The Association. I’ve actually considered naming my daughter Windy after the song.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Impatiently waiting

I had a temp jump today, but not a huge one – good because I was starting to worry that my last 3 days were very flat (2 were 97.21 and then 97.22). I’ve begun noticing cervical position as well and noticed it was very low today. I got my signs mixed up and thought that meant fertile, so we had a quickie this morning. It’s okay. It was practice, right?

I’ve had some sympathy cramps and lower back aches today, along with a (thus-far) mild headache. I took the Tylenol to stave off the worst of the headache and hopefully it will work, though – is it getting brighter in here?

Watched House last night – I came up with the diagnosis minutes before her announced it – I was SO proud of myself. I used to watch Baywatch all the time so I knew the symptoms of The Bends. Laugh if you will, but I learned a lot on Baywatch.

We finished watching Season 1 of Veronica Mars this week. Loved it. It was very good. I’m looking forward to beginning Season 2, but Mr Moose wants a break for a week or two. We’re still watching Season 2 of 24 and I’m ready for a break from that. I much prefer the fast-talking witty shows to those with lots of violence and explosions.

My SIL was diagnosed with PCOS today. I feel bad – and a little guilty (though I know I had nothing to do with it) for not wanting her to get PG right away when she began trying. I don’t know how she is taking it, as her email seemed very upbeat about it. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t understand enough about it yet. I know you can still get PG with PCOS, but there are some people who cannot. My college roommate is one of the unlucky ones. She, however has been blessed with 2 adopted children of her own. I don’t know that BIL will want to go that route. Maybe yes, maybe no. Either way, I hope she is able to get treatment quickly and get pregnant soon.

Have you ever been temping and wanted to manipulate your chart so your temps jump or stay high or whatever? I keep having to remind myself to make them as real and accurate as possible because regardless of any manipulation, I either am or am not pregnant. The temps matter much less than the fact.

Impatiently waiting on O to occur. It’s getting really bad.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The #s of fertility

So we read these blogs, this huge community of awesome women who are infertile. And we make friends on the boards – some are infertile and dealing with treatments, some are new to this whole trying thing, some recently had babies/are pregnant and spent so much time on the boards before they got that way that they don’t want to say good-bye to their friends. But seriously, what are the statistics on these things? Are they the minority? Mr. Moose seems to think so, my sister seems to think so…

I think my awesome OB/GYN, Liz told me that 80% of women under 35 get pregnant in the first 12 months of trying. That seems pretty good to me. But there is only a 20% chance each month of getting pregnant, so how does that work? Liz said, “eventually that 20% catches up with you” so to try for awhile before coming back to her and complaining that I had a problem. (my words, not hers – she is much to cool to tell me I’m complaining.)

My husband keeps trying me to stop obsessing. I’ve considered quitting the temping and just “letting it happen” though I’m thrilled that I discovered through temping that I O much later than I originally thought. I’ve always wanted to be “surprised” by a pregnancy – to realize 3 days after I was due that I hadn’t started yet, sneak a HPT at the office and plan a big surprise for Mr. Moose and my family to tell them there’s going to be a baby. I also know that I will regret not temping if I do have trouble and my Doc’s answer is “go home and temp for 3 months to figure out your cycle.

Mt friend, M (who will be watching our little one when I return to work) says she prefers “surprise” babies becaue then you don’t have to deal with the stress of trying, the stress of getting AF each month, etc. I thought I was going to like trying. That lasted for the first few weeks of trying. Now I’m ready. I want a baby.

So we’ve “officially” been trying for 2 (this is 3rd) months. We’ve purposely made love on schedule for 3 (this is 4) months and we’ve been off BCP for 5 months. When do I get to tell her my 12 months are up?

Monday, April 9, 2007

My weekend

We had 5 dogs in the house over the weekend (3 visiting, 2 who live there) dog-sitting for Mr. Moose’s family while they traveled to AL to visit family. I do not recommend it. We stayed busy and got little to nothing accomplished around the house because of it. We bought more plants, but they aren’t in the ground yet.

I’m occasionally getting these twinges in the area of my left ovary – the one they removed the cyst from last June. Making me concerned about whether or not I have another. Dr Google says it shouldn’t prevent me from getting or staying pregnant, so I guess I can ignore it for now. I’ll mention it in August during my annual exam. Maybe they can tell me if that’s the deal or not.

My cm was watery today, not sticky at all. But I’m on CD 7 – FF is saying I’m fertile, but that has to be based completely on the cm, right? I haven’t ovulated even remotely close to CD 7 in all the time I’ve been temping. Day 15 was my earliest. Oh, well – Mr. Moose will be thrilled when I tell him we need to get busy tonight. ☺

For anyone who has been reading my blog for awhile, you may have noticed the change in names on the blog in the last week or so. I had my first name and his name on the blog as they are in RL. He asked me to change it (though googling us brought no results) and so I did, for the mutual benefit of privacy. I have been mostly commenting on other blogs using my real name. With the exception of the ones who don’t let you choose, I will continue to do it. My name is unusual enough that anyone who knew me would figure it out and since I talk very frankly about my sex life here, it’s probably best to keep it a little more anonymous. We choose “Mr. and Mrs. Moose” because we love moose and we call each other Moose all the time. It’s a weird long story, neither of us are trying to imply that they other is hairy, furry and/or has a big nose.

Some friends of ours with a new baby – P and M – are moving back to our area soon. We are very excited about that. Mr Moose and P are friends from work (P got a new job offer about 2 hours N of here and they moved) and has now gotten enough of a promotion that he can work from home and wants to return to this county. We are thrilled. We had dinner with them on Saturday night. They don’t have the same religious affiliations, but they seem like they have similar parenting styles as we will have. They are both very practical and easy-going. I look forward to getting to know M better now that they are returning to the area.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

CD2 - Here we go

I have given up hope for the March cycle, regardless of temps. I got some “advice” on fertility friend regarding temps while menstrual and have decided to ignore the overly high temps for now. Slightly disappointed, of course, but at least I’m at the “knowing” point. And to tell you the truth (though I wouldn’t want to jinx anything by being picky – I would have been sublimely happy to have been PG right now) I didn’t really want a December baby. I always feel awful for kids who are born in December because their birthdays often get overlooked, etc. My mom and her brother were close to Christmas babies (hers is right after New Years, his was within a week of Christmas) and they hardly ever got to celebrate their birthdays as kids. Their brother born in August? Birthday celebrations all the time. So, I’m hopeful for this cycle – or even if I got PG some time this summer and had a spring baby – that would be PERFECT! I know, as well as anyone that you don’t get to “choose” when you get PG. It’s in God’s hands and we should just enjoy the “practice” we get to have in the meantime. It doesn’t mean I don’t chart/read the boards, etc.

I even joined a board on BabyCenter. Yea, me! I've been wanting to but it always seemed so awkward. So I finally did it. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

CD 31 or 1 (Now with update)

Last night my headache increased as I drove home from work and I went straight to bed upon arriving home. The pain was awful and I kept thinking “if I’m not taking my headache meds, I had better be pregnant.” I was awakened an hour and a half later by what sounded like a motorcycle (or 3) revving it’s engine right outside my bedroom window. Still with headache, still no sign of my period, and grumpy I eventually found out that some of our weirder neighbors had an ATV and were letting their children do donuts in their yard on it. Stupid, evil people. Mr. Moose’s dog, Buck was also making an extraordinary amount of random noise and so I figured maybe I could through him at the stupid people and accomplish silence. I didn’t, but only because my dear husband took me away to dinner to the sushi place down the street which is typically very dark and very quiet. I took some Tylenol (why didn’t I think to do that earlier? No idea) and ate my fantasy roll (yum!) and began to feel better for awhile. When the Tylenol started to wear off, however, the headache came back, though not so strong. I was able to watch an episode of Veronica Mars in the dark, with the volume on low. I still had not begun my period.

This may be TMI, but I convinced Mr. Moose to make love to me since sometimes that helps get the flow started and I’ve heard that it can help take away headaches. We did, and it temporarily relieved the headache until I got up to use the restroom. I had the SLIGHTEST bit of pink, but not really enough to even call it spotting. I had a little more overnight, so I’m hoping to start today if I’m going to. At this point, I don’t even care if I’m PG or not, I just want an answer.

Late this AM (like 10) I got enough to call it a light flow day. This is abnormal for me and I hope to have a significantly noticeable increase as the progresses or I will still be unsure. My BF, when she was PG with her first, had 2 days of her usual 4, which she described as a “funky period” afterwards. At the time, she chalked it up to her first month off BC (yes, I know – one of THOSE women) and continued on her merry way. She was, in fact PG and so every time I have a weird period, I wonder. If this one doesn’t rise to the occasion, I’m still planning to test in the AM. 30 days, people. I’m a 26-27 day person. I cannot remember the last time I saw CD 30. My early teens, maybe? Even then I was a fairly consistent 29-er.

The cramps, oh the cramps! Okay, it's CD 1 and I have given up hope! I admit it! And between trips to the bathroom and stresss at work, I don't really have time for the disappointment that is sure to come tonight, after the world has slowed down a little. But, at least i can drink my margarita (I've given up drinking unless I'm on my period) tonight without guilt or wonderment.

Monday, April 2, 2007

What the...?

My temp was down significantly this morning (to right at cover line, ironically) and I am impatiently awaiting the arrival of AF. After resisting the urge last night to take heartburn meds for several hours (I finally remembered that my BF had taken these during her pregnancy at her doc’s suggestion). BFN, without the single line to prove it. Of course, I actually said that 3 days ago, didn’t I and then recanted. I’d say the huge drop in temp probably clinches it. Sucks though.

I’ve even stopped spotting. I’ve got NOTHING to show for this low temp. Absolutely-freaking nothing! What is going on here?

On a totally separate, actually happy note – my sister is in the states and I just spoke to her on the phone! We’re in the same time zone! It doesn’t cost me a $ a minute to talk to her! Yea!!!! I’m going to get to meet my niece in another month. I am thrilled beyond words. I cannot say just how much she has been missed.

By the way, the HPT I took on Saturday? It showed up negative after like 30 minutes or more, but there was nothing before then. That’s weird, right? At the 3-minute mark it was completely blank. I went back much later to throw it out and it was negative. Sure, it could have been a true negative, but most likely the test was flukey, right?

The last 2 months, when I get the low temps I start right away – where is it this month? I can’t remember the last time I saw CD 30.

I just did a comparison to my post-O temps on the Fertility Friend chart gallery. There were plenty that had similar numbers, but each one that had a dip had their period the same day. The ones that had only slight dips or no dips each have positive HPTs.

I’ve got a horrible headache today and I’m terrified to take my Excedrin until I’ve actually started on the off chance (I know - hope sucks) that my temp this morning was wrong.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

CD 29

So, yesterday my temp went up again. I had small amounts of spotting. This was the first time I've seen CD 28 in several months, which was nice.

I had horrible sleep last night, but got 3 hours without getting up, ending at my usual (ideal) wake up time of 6:30. My temp was much higher. And so far (though it's still early) my spotting seems to have subsided. CD 29. CD 29! I had sworn that I would POAS until Monday, but I couldn't resist. Unfortunately it was a dud and I got nada. I'll wait again until tomorrow.

I told Mr. Moose yesterday that there was this possibility that things might be pointing to baby - he seemed happy, but he was trying not to get excited, I think.