Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Confession and self-awareness

I think we all know I am not a good housekeeper. I have been working on it, but it just isn't ingrained in me. I get frustrated by the mess, though. That usually motivates me to action, but during this pregnancy, I haven't had the energy. I had a good dose of energy over the weekend though and got a lot done. I had intended to do a lot more today, but I feel like my day is already falling apart. And I have figured out that my way of coping with stress is to hide and avoid all other stressors, too. Sometimes this includes my kids. Which is awful, I know. But just a few moments ago, I found myself hiding in my room with a book while my son watches Netflix in the other room because I got stressed this morning and overwhelmed.

Avoiding housework isn't helping my situation, since having such a messy house is adding to my stress.

Thursday, October 10, 2013


It wasn't a bad day. A little crazy, sure, hectic, busy, not exactly as planned, but overall it was fine. Until the afternoon where I just started feeling overwhelmed and nothing was working the way I expected. I am hiding in my room folding laundry and avoiding yelling at the kids. I feel gross and fat and frumpy. I feel neglected and needy. I feel awful.
Part of this is that I have been sick and feeling blah all week. I am sure that lack of sleep is contributing, but I need a break. I need a distraction. I need a little pampering and spoiling and girl time. And it isn't coming. There is nothing In the future that leads me to believe I am going to get the break I need.

Thursday, October 3, 2013


It's 5:30PM, so I can honestly say that today is one of those days where I wish I had just stayed in bed. It wasn't disastrous or anything, but it was just... rough. Off. A kerfuffle. Woke up late after multiple, time-consuming wakings by the Little Man during the night. Had an awful dream (to sum it up, it included a grocery bag full of dog poop) at the end of my sleep, so I woke up in a bad mood... and then it all just kept coming apart. We were late. Very late. I stopped off to kill the hour before Bible study (which I wasn't really in the mood for) and finish my homework, but I couldn't find my homework. Which meant I couldn't join in the discussion in small group. While we were at Chik-fil-A, Little Man kept needing to go potty, so my back was killing me from bending over to help him and lifting him up.  My friend wasn't there to gab with (she got a substitute job for the day) and I just... walking up the stairs to childcare was about all I had in me and then I had another 2 hours of sitting and listening... I just...

I lost track of time and was very late to pick up Fuss. I felt awful. All her friends and teachers had already gone, so she was sitting with the small group of leftover older kids and a couple of teachers who remained. She was hot (it was over 90 degrees out, though thankfully she was in the shade and there was a breeze) and I had to run an errand after I picked her up. And on my errand I noticed that I have a knocking sound in my engine and my slow oil leak seems to be increasing to not-so-slow. (My husband also has some car troubles so we're just wracking up the expenses here, folks.) Driving around in the car, I felt the overwhelming need to just cry. Despite the fact that my wonderful husband had tried to cheer me up by informing me he should be home at a decent time and he would make dinner - one of my favorite meals.

The baby has been kicking up a storm all day. This isn't such a bad thing, but it can be exhausting.

I'm just in an awful mood and I can't seem to snap out of it.