Sunday, November 8, 2009

I'm so tired of being here...

An old friend of mine had a baby a couple of weeks ago. We were friends in high school (in that mentoring sort of way - I was several years older than she and sort of "adopted" her her freshman year) and reconnected recently. I've really enjoyed getting to know her again and am very excited about her new baby.

Monday afternoon I received an email from her, asking if I wanted to come by this week to meet her son and hang out, etc. Obviously, monday was not a great day for me to be dealing with new baby stuff, but since she had no idea, I wrote her back to say that I had been dealing w/ the sniffles (which was true) and didn't want to expose him to any bug I might have, but that I'd call her the end of the week and maybe next week?

In the past week I've also received not one but 2 invitations to other old friends' baby showers that will be coming up this month as well.

Is this the big irony or is this God telling me to get back on the horse? (she says with a sarcastic tone)

I'm finally starting to feel a little better. My bleeding has slowed significantly (I told my husband this news this morning and informed him that this meant that we might get to make love again some day - he was overjoyed) and I'm having more "normal" times than not. Of course, this means that when it does hit me, it's even harder (that whole when your highs are high, your lows are lower thing), but I think I'm doing a lot better.

Sometimes that make me feel guilty - should I be getting over it 5 days later? The thing is, I WANT to get past it. I want to be able to move on. I don't want to mope around for weeks and months and I don't want to be scared to try again.

Both Daddy Fuss and I are concerned about what caused it. Our midwife told us that there was (likely) nothing we did that caused it (the first time she said "nothing," the second time she said "likely nothing", I imagine that there are statistics to support that rarely can a miscarriage be prevented, but there IS a difference between rarely and never.) I know that statistics show that usually an early miscarriage is usually a genetic problem. But since I bled after sex, and then the miscarriage started right after sex the next time, I'm wondering if that could have effected it. Also, I'm wondering if I had low progesterone again and starting the progesterone earlier could have helped. I will be discussing this with my midwife next week when I go in for a follow up.

(Today's title is the opening line from an Evanescence song)

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