Both of our computers got a virus this weekend so we were really up a creek. It was a pain. More so for my husband who had to fix it on Monday night after his softball game.
We bought a car over the weekend. A 2004 Chrysler Sebring. It's very nice and it seems to fit my husband well. I feel like I've spent the last 2 days working on the paperwork to get rid of the Jetta. I'm going to miss that car. My Jetta - that I named Jenica - has been a great car for 10 years. It has gotten me where I needed to go and kept me safe. The only problem I've had with it is the need to replace the water pump in the AC twice. Really, she's been a wonderful car.
I still haven't gotten my period and I'm a week late. I took another test this morning, first thing, and it came up negative. I've never been this late without showing up pregnant and the prevailing thought is that the nursing is messing up my cycle. But I find it wild to think that I'm having an anovulatory cycle after only one cycle postpartum, but that's all I've got as far as my own self-diagnosis. (I'm hoping to get my Taking Charge of Your Fertility book back from my friend this weekend. Maybe I'll get some more information from that.) It's driving me crazy to not know what is going on.
It's weird. Because I don't really want another baby this quickly, but on the other hand, it would be so nice to just have the decision out of my hands.
I'm feeling so fat lately. And I'm eating terribly and I've gotten away from exercising again. (No big shocker. I hate exercise.) I've lost a few pounds, but not really enough to make a huge difference in my shape. And sometimes, I think I'd like to be pregnant just to have an excuse to be fat. Which is a terrible reason to want to be pregnant. My biggest problem with my weight/eating right now seems to be weird fluctuations with my desire to eat/what to eat. I go back and forth between being ravenous or not wanting to eat at all and when I'm hungry, mostly I just want food that isn't all that great for me. With all the chaos that was our week last week, we only cooked once or twice - the rest of the week was full of fast-food, pizza, snacks, etc. It was horrible. (And yummy)
Showing posts with label Venting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Venting. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
This Week is trying to kill me - 7 quick takes
1. I'm late posting today because at 7:30 this morning, I did something awful to my back (possibly popping a rib out? but I didn't have the proper reaction several hours later at the Chiro for that, so maybe not, though he said that what I was describing sounded exactly like popping an upper rib). I'm hurting and sore and swollen in my shoulder/neck area. Fun times.
2. Daddy Fuss came home last night not feeling well and felt nauseous all evening. He ran a fever all night, but was much better this morning.
3. On his way to work this afternoon, the car overheated. Need to find the title of the car so we can hand it over to the insurance company pronto. I also have to go pick him up this evening so we can have the car towed. Good times.
4. I also need to find a bathing suit this weekend. Not looking forward to that in the slightest. We're going to a pool party on Memorial Day and I have nothing to wear to a pool.
5. I still haven't started my period. CD 30. And I really want a drink. But I shouldn't have one until I know for sure that I'm not pregnant. Can nursing mess with your cycle even after it has returned postpartum?
6. I'm so tired. I haven't slept well in days and I am physically exhausted and in pain. I want some time off, how does one get one of those?
7. I can't get the darn AC repair guy to call me back, either, which is pissing me off. I'm hot and I'm grumpy and I want this week from hell to end right now.
2. Daddy Fuss came home last night not feeling well and felt nauseous all evening. He ran a fever all night, but was much better this morning.
3. On his way to work this afternoon, the car overheated. Need to find the title of the car so we can hand it over to the insurance company pronto. I also have to go pick him up this evening so we can have the car towed. Good times.
4. I also need to find a bathing suit this weekend. Not looking forward to that in the slightest. We're going to a pool party on Memorial Day and I have nothing to wear to a pool.
5. I still haven't started my period. CD 30. And I really want a drink. But I shouldn't have one until I know for sure that I'm not pregnant. Can nursing mess with your cycle even after it has returned postpartum?
6. I'm so tired. I haven't slept well in days and I am physically exhausted and in pain. I want some time off, how does one get one of those?
7. I can't get the darn AC repair guy to call me back, either, which is pissing me off. I'm hot and I'm grumpy and I want this week from hell to end right now.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Treading
I am feeling really screwed up right now.
My sister-in-law graduated yesterday. I'm so happy for her, but I can't help but be a little jealous. She's got the whole world of opportunity in front of her. She has nothing keeping her back. She has no man, no kids, no house payment. Seriously, she has a million choices right now and in contrast, I'm feeling SO boxed in. I'm feeling like I'm stuck in this one place, one path and I've got real choices in front of me at all.
Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and I love my husband more than I can possibly say, but right now I feel like my life is simply going to move in the same pattern day after day, week after week for the next 10 years or more. And right now, that is a very bad thing. I am trapped in the house day after day - I can't go out because almost every activity involves spending money and there is no wiggle room right now.
I know I'm being dramatic when I say this, but I feel like I never see my friends, rarely have adult time, and I feel like I'm not even that great of a mom. I feel like I'm treading water and I have no idea when that might end. You know how you can do anything for 15 minutes? Or how when you're going through something, when you know there is an end, it's like you can just put your head down and get through it? There is no end in sight. I have no idea when my life might change in any way.
My sister-in-law graduated yesterday. I'm so happy for her, but I can't help but be a little jealous. She's got the whole world of opportunity in front of her. She has nothing keeping her back. She has no man, no kids, no house payment. Seriously, she has a million choices right now and in contrast, I'm feeling SO boxed in. I'm feeling like I'm stuck in this one place, one path and I've got real choices in front of me at all.
Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and I love my husband more than I can possibly say, but right now I feel like my life is simply going to move in the same pattern day after day, week after week for the next 10 years or more. And right now, that is a very bad thing. I am trapped in the house day after day - I can't go out because almost every activity involves spending money and there is no wiggle room right now.
I know I'm being dramatic when I say this, but I feel like I never see my friends, rarely have adult time, and I feel like I'm not even that great of a mom. I feel like I'm treading water and I have no idea when that might end. You know how you can do anything for 15 minutes? Or how when you're going through something, when you know there is an end, it's like you can just put your head down and get through it? There is no end in sight. I have no idea when my life might change in any way.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Useless.
Sometimes, I feel useless. We were having a conversation on Luckies recently and it just reminded me that other than staying home with this kids, I am somewhat useless to our family. I mean, it's important to be home with the kids and I'm glad that I am, but if I did need to get a job? Or if I needed to get out of the house at some point to restore my sanity? Or when the kids go to school and I'm trying to come up with something useful to do to bring in some income? I've got nothing.
I spent SO much money on my degree and I'm not using it. And I really never did. I had a couple of jobs within the industry after I graduated, but they were all short-term jobs. I remember my first interview after graduation was for a job that paid - no kidding - $7 an hour. I'm like "you want a college degree for this position, and you're only paying $7? You have got to be kidding me." Just proof that having a college degree and an education doesn't mean anything in this world. I got my job at the agency based on my self-taught skills, not my degree. Yes, I had a better working knowledge of the industry because of my degree, but in the end that meant nothing. I was the lowest paid person in the office - for years. People got hired after me to do portions of my job and they made more than I did (after working there for 2-3 years at that point) to start with.
It makes me feel useless when I think about it. And even when I don't... sometimes I feel like maybe I am not the best mother for my kids. Sure, I am nursing my son, and that is extremely important, but beyond that... am I really doing anything for my kids that any number of competent adults couldn't do just as well... or better? I should do more with Fuss, but I have no idea HOW to do more. I don't know how to teach her. I don't know what to teach her. I am so out of shape that I feel like I can't be all that active with her and I can't really take her to the park and chase after her because I'm also trying to juggle the baby. (And I want MORE kids? I can't handle the 2 I've got!)
I'm not even that good at keeping my house. It's always messy. Lately, it's not just messy, it's a disaster. We have too much stuff, it's not organized and I don't have a clue where to begin, despite looking for and getting all sorts of "general purpose" advice from websites and books about organization.
I don't know why my husband loves me. I have no idea why he finds me attractive. I am not attractive. I'm overweight and flabby. I'm gross. And even when I have motivation, I seem to be stymied at every turn. (I've had the desire to start running this week - talk about a weird thing for me - and it has been raining. Seriously?)
This post is really depressing. I'm just going to end it here, without looking for a better way to wrap it up.
I spent SO much money on my degree and I'm not using it. And I really never did. I had a couple of jobs within the industry after I graduated, but they were all short-term jobs. I remember my first interview after graduation was for a job that paid - no kidding - $7 an hour. I'm like "you want a college degree for this position, and you're only paying $7? You have got to be kidding me." Just proof that having a college degree and an education doesn't mean anything in this world. I got my job at the agency based on my self-taught skills, not my degree. Yes, I had a better working knowledge of the industry because of my degree, but in the end that meant nothing. I was the lowest paid person in the office - for years. People got hired after me to do portions of my job and they made more than I did (after working there for 2-3 years at that point) to start with.
It makes me feel useless when I think about it. And even when I don't... sometimes I feel like maybe I am not the best mother for my kids. Sure, I am nursing my son, and that is extremely important, but beyond that... am I really doing anything for my kids that any number of competent adults couldn't do just as well... or better? I should do more with Fuss, but I have no idea HOW to do more. I don't know how to teach her. I don't know what to teach her. I am so out of shape that I feel like I can't be all that active with her and I can't really take her to the park and chase after her because I'm also trying to juggle the baby. (And I want MORE kids? I can't handle the 2 I've got!)
I'm not even that good at keeping my house. It's always messy. Lately, it's not just messy, it's a disaster. We have too much stuff, it's not organized and I don't have a clue where to begin, despite looking for and getting all sorts of "general purpose" advice from websites and books about organization.
I don't know why my husband loves me. I have no idea why he finds me attractive. I am not attractive. I'm overweight and flabby. I'm gross. And even when I have motivation, I seem to be stymied at every turn. (I've had the desire to start running this week - talk about a weird thing for me - and it has been raining. Seriously?)
This post is really depressing. I'm just going to end it here, without looking for a better way to wrap it up.
Friday, February 18, 2011
What would you do for some quiet?
(This started out as my 300 words assignment for my writing group, due this weekend. It ended up being my blog post instead, since I know my fellow writers don't want to read my lamentations.)
Don't get me wrong, I love my family. My husband is a jewel and my kids are beautiful and amazing. But sometimes, I just need some space and somehow, that seems impossible.
Have you ever just wanted to throw in the towel? Have you ever had the thought that you kind of wish something would befall you so that you could just step out of your life for a little bit? Sometimes I find myself wishing for a nervous breakdown so that I could be locked in a mental ward for a week and get a break.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family. My husband is a jewel and my kids are beautiful and amazing. But sometimes, I just need some space and somehow, that seems impossible.
I don't recall ever wanting or craving silence before I had kids, but now I find myself begging my toddler to be quiet for just 2 minutes so I can enjoy the silence. Right now, I'd gladly pay a hundred bucks to get a hotel room for the night and just be by myself – nobody wanting anything of me, nobody able to disturb my peace. And what's crazy is that I am this incredibly social person who ALWAYS wants to do stuff with something. The couple of times that I've actually had a few hours to myself over the last 3 years, I don't know what to do or where to go because I'm like “but who can I talk to?” But right now, all I want is some quiet. Some peace. And a night of uninterrupted sleep.
What would you do with a night to yourself?
I would go to a hotel room, check in, throw the “Do Not Disturb” sign up and open a bottle of wine. I'd run myself a hot bath and sink in with my wine glass perched on the edge of the tub and my Kindle in hand, I'd get lost in a story, drink my wine, relax, and stay there until the water got cold. I'd get out, put on my most comfy pajamas, and sprawl across the bed. I'd either continue to read my book or turn on the television. I'd snack on something yummy and comforting, drink another glass of wine until I'd grown bored with either the TV or book or both and then I'd turn off the lights and sleep. I would sleep the blissful sleep of a mother who knows that her children cannot wake her up. (If that required some form of medicinal intervention, then so be it.)
I'd be happy to return to my family the next day, don't get me wrong. But honestly, I feel like if I don't get some time away soon, I might crack.
I have spent more hours in my house in the last 4 weeks than I can count. For some reason, my former desire to leave the house daily has been replaced by apathy. It's just too much damn trouble to pack up two kids and leave the house. And where would I go anyway? I'm trying desperately not to spend any more money than necessary, I have no stay-at-home friends anymore, certainly none that I am comfortable just “dropping by” on.
Sometime around the time that Fuss was born, I read a book about a mom who had a nervous breakdown after having a baby. I remember understanding her thoughts and feelings – becoming a mom for the first time is overwhelming! - but I now, I actually think about the situation she was in – how she actually checked herself into a mental ward for a few days in order to get her medications regulated, etc. - and I think “I wonder if I could do that?”
Thursday, January 13, 2011
No Air
Am beginning to freak out. And it's all my mother's fault! She is desperately trying to convince me that going up to help my sister is a bad idea (she keeps telling me to wait a week - like that is going to help the weather problems? And THIS is when she needs the help!) and she's making me a nervous wreck. I now keep having visions of something terrible going wrong on our way up there and I just... I'm freaking out, I'm completely stressed and all I want is curl up and make the world fade away.
But I'm a mom and I have 2 kids and I can't make the world go away.
I am cranky, stressed, irritated, frustrated and wondering what the heck I've gotten myself into. I ran around all morning going to the chiropractor and going to the mechanic's. I got new tires and a few other repairs. The baby is fussy, Fuss is cranky... no one is in a good mood today. And my husband's dog has some sort of head cold/congestion or something and is making this horrible sound like a wild boar or something and it is both making my skin crawl and driving me up the wall. On top of everything else.
It looks like I may have to leave on Saturday instead of Sunday, losing my day of packing/planning/time with my husband. But the weather is supposed to be nicer on Saturday up there, soooo....
I'm awake and I'm feeling crushed. I can only imagine how I'm going to feel tonight when I try and go to sleep. (Have I mentioned how, in times of stress, I have dreams where I'm being crushed? Yeah. It's real fun.)
But I'm a mom and I have 2 kids and I can't make the world go away.
I am cranky, stressed, irritated, frustrated and wondering what the heck I've gotten myself into. I ran around all morning going to the chiropractor and going to the mechanic's. I got new tires and a few other repairs. The baby is fussy, Fuss is cranky... no one is in a good mood today. And my husband's dog has some sort of head cold/congestion or something and is making this horrible sound like a wild boar or something and it is both making my skin crawl and driving me up the wall. On top of everything else.
It looks like I may have to leave on Saturday instead of Sunday, losing my day of packing/planning/time with my husband. But the weather is supposed to be nicer on Saturday up there, soooo....
I'm awake and I'm feeling crushed. I can only imagine how I'm going to feel tonight when I try and go to sleep. (Have I mentioned how, in times of stress, I have dreams where I'm being crushed? Yeah. It's real fun.)
Monday, December 6, 2010
back to work (day 24, 25, 26)
Whose idea was THIS?
My dad lost 2 employees with no notice and was already short handed and somehow my offer of help became a regular gig. I am stressed and really, really unhappy. I worked on Friday, and while I am happy to help him and having a little extra cash, especially at Christmas time, is awfully nice, I am just... I don't want to do this.
It is HARD with two kids. I'm dealing with an active toddler and an infant who eats every 2 hours, pretty consistently. I'm also still dealing with spotty sleep, as Little Man can't decide if he truly is one of those kids who can sleep through the night or not. (He'll do it for a day - maybe 2, but then we have an awful night again where he wakes up after 4 hours and wants to eat again, 2 hours later after that, too!)
I just don't want to do it any more. I don't like this job. I really never have. And my dad brought it on himself by not thinking before he speaks to his employees and saying something insulting. But if I don't help out, he's sort of screwed.
What I've told him is that I will do it until the kids can't anymore. I don't imagine that it's going to go over well with Fuss. And I have way too much to do before Christmas to do this every week, 5 days a week. He is going to have to find someone, and FAST.
____________
Friday, I was having trouble putting together an outfit. I had nothing clean! I had dropped my dry cleaning off the night before to my dad, which was how I got roped into helping him out that day. I managed to put together a cute outfit, with shoes I later regretted. I wore my jeans, my black v-neck Tee and my blue blazer. I paired it with simple jewelry because I thought I'd be lifting clothes for at least part of the day (I did) and my boots because I had no idea I'd be on my feet for 4.5 hours straight (I was. The shoes were a mistake).
Saturday I wore my khakis because I was in the mood for something different and my cream t-shirt with my brown argyle cardigan. I wore my cross necklace and no earrings because I was going for simple and couldn't come up with anything interesting.
Sunday, we finally made it back to church after several weeks off. The kids have been sick and Daddy Fuss and I have been suffering from ennui, so we've skipped more than I usually like to. I finally got to break out my black dress (Walmart) and got to wear my pearls. I paired them with my diamond and gold and silver hoop earrings, my black heels and I added a cream colored cardigan for warmth. (By midday when I was able to take the picture, it was warm enough to take off the sweater.) I changed later, but kept on the pearls and noted later in the day that "pearls make everything more elegant." It's true, you know, they really do.
My dad lost 2 employees with no notice and was already short handed and somehow my offer of help became a regular gig. I am stressed and really, really unhappy. I worked on Friday, and while I am happy to help him and having a little extra cash, especially at Christmas time, is awfully nice, I am just... I don't want to do this.
It is HARD with two kids. I'm dealing with an active toddler and an infant who eats every 2 hours, pretty consistently. I'm also still dealing with spotty sleep, as Little Man can't decide if he truly is one of those kids who can sleep through the night or not. (He'll do it for a day - maybe 2, but then we have an awful night again where he wakes up after 4 hours and wants to eat again, 2 hours later after that, too!)
I just don't want to do it any more. I don't like this job. I really never have. And my dad brought it on himself by not thinking before he speaks to his employees and saying something insulting. But if I don't help out, he's sort of screwed.
What I've told him is that I will do it until the kids can't anymore. I don't imagine that it's going to go over well with Fuss. And I have way too much to do before Christmas to do this every week, 5 days a week. He is going to have to find someone, and FAST.
____________
Friday, I was having trouble putting together an outfit. I had nothing clean! I had dropped my dry cleaning off the night before to my dad, which was how I got roped into helping him out that day. I managed to put together a cute outfit, with shoes I later regretted. I wore my jeans, my black v-neck Tee and my blue blazer. I paired it with simple jewelry because I thought I'd be lifting clothes for at least part of the day (I did) and my boots because I had no idea I'd be on my feet for 4.5 hours straight (I was. The shoes were a mistake).
Saturday I wore my khakis because I was in the mood for something different and my cream t-shirt with my brown argyle cardigan. I wore my cross necklace and no earrings because I was going for simple and couldn't come up with anything interesting.
Sunday, we finally made it back to church after several weeks off. The kids have been sick and Daddy Fuss and I have been suffering from ennui, so we've skipped more than I usually like to. I finally got to break out my black dress (Walmart) and got to wear my pearls. I paired them with my diamond and gold and silver hoop earrings, my black heels and I added a cream colored cardigan for warmth. (By midday when I was able to take the picture, it was warm enough to take off the sweater.) I changed later, but kept on the pearls and noted later in the day that "pearls make everything more elegant." It's true, you know, they really do.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Complain, complain, complain
Wednesday, I was in a very bad mood and I don't know why.
I'm tired, of course, but I've been tired for weeks and we're now at least in a rhythm which usually helps me.
I feel ugly.
And useless.
And lonely. I feel like my husband is never around and when he is, he is focused on something else (a freelance project, a household project, the kids, making dinner, whatever) and I'm grateful that he is doing something useful or helpful (I'm glad that he wants to play with his children or make dinner some nights or that he's earning money or fixing something around the house) but I feel like we've lost "us" somehow and I don't see it getting better any time soon.
Our lives are so busy overall, but I feel like somehow, my life has just gotten smaller. We don't get out as much during the day/during the week because sometimes, it's just too hard with 2 kids. Plus, Fuss and I have been sick, so even less motivation there. I'm trapped in this house, where I feel I'm cleaning all the time, but it never seems to look any better.
I have two adorable, beautiful children whom I adore, but who also take every bit of energy I have. Little Man is up to eating consistently every 2 hours (heaven help me if I'm late) and then eats from 15-30 minutes and then we have to do it all again. It takes me 30 minutes to walk out the door between getting shoes on, packing up the diaper bag, loading up the baby, wrestling Fuss to get her stuff, etc. I CAN'T go anywhere, because by the time we get some place, it's time to feed the baby again. A quick trip to the store can take hours because of that.
I want to take the kids to a Pumpkin Patch this year before the end of the month (when they all disappear) and I have no idea when that might happen. We are booked every single weekend this month with some or another.
Despite my poor mood, I accomplished a lot. By the time my husband came home from work (late, as usual), I had cleaned the kitchen, made a fabulous dinner (stuffed shells), done laundry, painted more flowers in Fuss's new room, been to work for an hour and dropped off our dry cleaning and the bed in our room was (mostly) made.
I'm tired, of course, but I've been tired for weeks and we're now at least in a rhythm which usually helps me.
I feel ugly.
And useless.
And lonely. I feel like my husband is never around and when he is, he is focused on something else (a freelance project, a household project, the kids, making dinner, whatever) and I'm grateful that he is doing something useful or helpful (I'm glad that he wants to play with his children or make dinner some nights or that he's earning money or fixing something around the house) but I feel like we've lost "us" somehow and I don't see it getting better any time soon.
Our lives are so busy overall, but I feel like somehow, my life has just gotten smaller. We don't get out as much during the day/during the week because sometimes, it's just too hard with 2 kids. Plus, Fuss and I have been sick, so even less motivation there. I'm trapped in this house, where I feel I'm cleaning all the time, but it never seems to look any better.
I have two adorable, beautiful children whom I adore, but who also take every bit of energy I have. Little Man is up to eating consistently every 2 hours (heaven help me if I'm late) and then eats from 15-30 minutes and then we have to do it all again. It takes me 30 minutes to walk out the door between getting shoes on, packing up the diaper bag, loading up the baby, wrestling Fuss to get her stuff, etc. I CAN'T go anywhere, because by the time we get some place, it's time to feed the baby again. A quick trip to the store can take hours because of that.
I want to take the kids to a Pumpkin Patch this year before the end of the month (when they all disappear) and I have no idea when that might happen. We are booked every single weekend this month with some or another.
Despite my poor mood, I accomplished a lot. By the time my husband came home from work (late, as usual), I had cleaned the kitchen, made a fabulous dinner (stuffed shells), done laundry, painted more flowers in Fuss's new room, been to work for an hour and dropped off our dry cleaning and the bed in our room was (mostly) made.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
38 Weeks - Why this Thursday Sucks
The internet has been spotty at best for the last 24 hours. I even spent 20 minutes on the phone this morning getting it reset and losing it again an hour later...
This morning my gag reflex kicked in again. Smells were driving me crazy. I had to stop 3 times while trying to empty the diaper pail (and actually threw up once during that time - made it to the bathroom, thank goodness). The smell of the texturizing stuff in the new room was getting to me, too and I had to go in and out of there to do the laundry.
I did a ton of laundry, but was trying to fold it while sitting on my bed and watching TV that wasn't geared toward preschoolers instead of in my living room. It was murder on my already swollen feet/toes. I did however, get a lot done!
On my way to the tile store to pick up the tile for the new room, my van overheated and I was stuck in an area that had no place to pull over or place like a gas station that would make sense to stop at (or hardly any parking lots at all). When I got ahold of my husband, I made a wrong turn and ended up missing the turn off for the gas station he suggested. I ended up in the parking lot of the local shooting range. Fuss and I had to wait in the heat for nearly 30 minutes for my husband to reach us with some coolant to refill the resevoir. It worked, thank goodness, but it was kind of rough.
I started having some painful contractions on the way to the tile store. I didn't think anything of it at the time, because Fuss was driving me crazy. My head started to ache and my belly hurt, so I was much more focused on that.
The 3 of us went into the tile store where Fuss absolutely would not listen, but we were able to get what we needed anyhow. But it was heavy, so I couldn't help, of course, and then Fuss threw a tantrum when I wouldn't swing her around as we were leaving. It was difficult to load it all into my van, so we had to put some in my husbands car and he was sweating like crazy by the time he was done. I was still not feeling well and Fuss was cranky and hungry. By that time, Daddy Fuss's lunch break was over, so he had to go back to the office and couldn't join us for lunch.
I started having more painful contractions as I was looking for a Taco Bell for lunch. The food was good, but I kept spilling it while I was trying to eat in the car. It ended up all over my shirt, of course. I then noticed that I was having hard contractions every 10 minutes. Still driving, still more than 20 minutes from home. I was trying to breathe through the contractions on my own and calm Fuss down (she wanted my food after she had eaten all of her own).
I had 2 more contractions once we got home, and I set Fuss up in front of a video. My head began to hurt even more, which was less fun. And the internet was down AGAIN. But eventually, the contractions stopped/slowed, so that was good.
This morning my gag reflex kicked in again. Smells were driving me crazy. I had to stop 3 times while trying to empty the diaper pail (and actually threw up once during that time - made it to the bathroom, thank goodness). The smell of the texturizing stuff in the new room was getting to me, too and I had to go in and out of there to do the laundry.
I did a ton of laundry, but was trying to fold it while sitting on my bed and watching TV that wasn't geared toward preschoolers instead of in my living room. It was murder on my already swollen feet/toes. I did however, get a lot done!
On my way to the tile store to pick up the tile for the new room, my van overheated and I was stuck in an area that had no place to pull over or place like a gas station that would make sense to stop at (or hardly any parking lots at all). When I got ahold of my husband, I made a wrong turn and ended up missing the turn off for the gas station he suggested. I ended up in the parking lot of the local shooting range. Fuss and I had to wait in the heat for nearly 30 minutes for my husband to reach us with some coolant to refill the resevoir. It worked, thank goodness, but it was kind of rough.
I started having some painful contractions on the way to the tile store. I didn't think anything of it at the time, because Fuss was driving me crazy. My head started to ache and my belly hurt, so I was much more focused on that.
The 3 of us went into the tile store where Fuss absolutely would not listen, but we were able to get what we needed anyhow. But it was heavy, so I couldn't help, of course, and then Fuss threw a tantrum when I wouldn't swing her around as we were leaving. It was difficult to load it all into my van, so we had to put some in my husbands car and he was sweating like crazy by the time he was done. I was still not feeling well and Fuss was cranky and hungry. By that time, Daddy Fuss's lunch break was over, so he had to go back to the office and couldn't join us for lunch.
I started having more painful contractions as I was looking for a Taco Bell for lunch. The food was good, but I kept spilling it while I was trying to eat in the car. It ended up all over my shirt, of course. I then noticed that I was having hard contractions every 10 minutes. Still driving, still more than 20 minutes from home. I was trying to breathe through the contractions on my own and calm Fuss down (she wanted my food after she had eaten all of her own).
I had 2 more contractions once we got home, and I set Fuss up in front of a video. My head began to hurt even more, which was less fun. And the internet was down AGAIN. But eventually, the contractions stopped/slowed, so that was good.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I am the adult
I mentioned yesterday that Tuesday was a really rough day around here at Casa Fuss. I really only skimmed the details in my random summary. I was a mess.
I couldn't stop crying. I felt completely out of control. I wanted to curl into a ball and hide (but when I laid down, my nose would plug up so much from the copious amounts of fluid draining from my face that I couldn't breathe. That was fun, too.) and I felt like I had to get away from my daughter. When she would inevitably follow me around the house, she would see that I was crying, begin crying too and ask "what wrong, Mommy?" and I couldn't tell her the truth. That she was driving me crazy.
When she would lean in to hug me and tell me "I love you, bery much," (sic) I would repeat back to her "I love you, too, sweetie," but what I really wanted was to say "that's nice - now please leave me alone." In those moments she was being so sweet, all I wanted was for her to go away and leave me in peace for a few minutes. But I knew that this wasn't truly her fault. That it was likely my weirded out pregnancy hormones that were messing me up and that hormones plus lack of decent sleep were catching up to me and that being mean to her was likely going to cause more damage than anything else. I didn't want to be mean to her, I just wanted some space.
I am the adult here. I am the one who has to make sure that my words aren't going to be taken in the wrong way. I am the one who has to make sure that the things I say don't get misconstrued into years of hurt on either side.
I don't like being the adult. I wanted to be selfish and walk away. I wanted to emotionally punish her for misbehaving and being a brat, but I know better (and she only sort of does.) So I was the adult.
I know my husband wasn't sure what to do. I was miffed at him for not offering to stay home with me, but at the same time, I wouldn't have wanted to stay home with me either. And logically, I knew that he had a ton of work to do at the office, and was really taking more time than he should to sit there, hold my hand, wipe away my tears and calm me down. He also left the door open for me to ask him to stay several times, but my crazy brain wanted him to be the one to make the offer. (I almost never play those games with him. When I want something, even if it doesn't always make sense, I usually come out and tell him. I hate playing those games where women say "if you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you" because I think that's ridiculous and childish. But on Tuesday, my logic wasn't working and I wanted to be a little childish.)
I think one of the things that bothered me so much about the whole thing was that I had been feeling like things were very much improving in the way Fuss and I interacted. Things had been under control for a good while now, where my impatience wasn't getting the better of the situation and I was able to stay calm and in control when she would escalate her outbursts. I was beginning to think that I would be able to handle two kids - maybe not easily from the get-go (because there is ALWAYS a learning curve), but that I wasn't going to be so screwed up over it that I was going to have to give one them away or something. Today challenged that. Today made me wonder if I could be a parent of 2. Today made me wonder - and fear - what my days would be like trying to juggle a newborn and a tantruming toddler.
I couldn't stop crying. I felt completely out of control. I wanted to curl into a ball and hide (but when I laid down, my nose would plug up so much from the copious amounts of fluid draining from my face that I couldn't breathe. That was fun, too.) and I felt like I had to get away from my daughter. When she would inevitably follow me around the house, she would see that I was crying, begin crying too and ask "what wrong, Mommy?" and I couldn't tell her the truth. That she was driving me crazy.
When she would lean in to hug me and tell me "I love you, bery much," (sic) I would repeat back to her "I love you, too, sweetie," but what I really wanted was to say "that's nice - now please leave me alone." In those moments she was being so sweet, all I wanted was for her to go away and leave me in peace for a few minutes. But I knew that this wasn't truly her fault. That it was likely my weirded out pregnancy hormones that were messing me up and that hormones plus lack of decent sleep were catching up to me and that being mean to her was likely going to cause more damage than anything else. I didn't want to be mean to her, I just wanted some space.
I am the adult here. I am the one who has to make sure that my words aren't going to be taken in the wrong way. I am the one who has to make sure that the things I say don't get misconstrued into years of hurt on either side.
I don't like being the adult. I wanted to be selfish and walk away. I wanted to emotionally punish her for misbehaving and being a brat, but I know better (and she only sort of does.) So I was the adult.
I know my husband wasn't sure what to do. I was miffed at him for not offering to stay home with me, but at the same time, I wouldn't have wanted to stay home with me either. And logically, I knew that he had a ton of work to do at the office, and was really taking more time than he should to sit there, hold my hand, wipe away my tears and calm me down. He also left the door open for me to ask him to stay several times, but my crazy brain wanted him to be the one to make the offer. (I almost never play those games with him. When I want something, even if it doesn't always make sense, I usually come out and tell him. I hate playing those games where women say "if you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you" because I think that's ridiculous and childish. But on Tuesday, my logic wasn't working and I wanted to be a little childish.)
I think one of the things that bothered me so much about the whole thing was that I had been feeling like things were very much improving in the way Fuss and I interacted. Things had been under control for a good while now, where my impatience wasn't getting the better of the situation and I was able to stay calm and in control when she would escalate her outbursts. I was beginning to think that I would be able to handle two kids - maybe not easily from the get-go (because there is ALWAYS a learning curve), but that I wasn't going to be so screwed up over it that I was going to have to give one them away or something. Today challenged that. Today made me wonder if I could be a parent of 2. Today made me wonder - and fear - what my days would be like trying to juggle a newborn and a tantruming toddler.
Friday, June 4, 2010
7 Quick Takes
1. Burn Notice. Love it.
2. I am feeling a little screwy these days - emotionally, mentally, whatever. I'm minorly concerned for what this means for my mental state after the baby comes. But maybe I'm just being weirdly emotional/hormonal now when I think that way.
3. Had a discussion w/ my husband tonight about how I am craving him being home all the time. He wanted to know how we find a balance between his needs to have occasional Man Time and my need to have him around. I felt like laughing. When do I get to have Girl Time that doesn't include my child(ren)? Obviously I am not expecting to actually get away from the child in utero, but geez.
4. I haven't had a night out with an adult female since October. I can tell you he has had weekly meetings for a Bible study for the past 6 weeks and several weekend outings (afternoons or evenings) with friends at least 4 times that I can think of off the top of my head in addition to that in the last 3 months. I did get a couple of hours w/ my mom a few weeks ago, which was a fun time, but it was marred by my dental appointment at the end.
5. Our couch is being delivered today! I am psyched!
6. My dogs seem to be objecting to spending so much time in the open sun room. They hang out out there when we're not home and when they are eating. They have liked the activity and the freedom when my dad is here in the afternoons (they get to go out to the back yard then) but they are whinier than usual when I put them out to eat and don't get them immediately, instead of just laying down for a nap. Guess I should go get them...
7. Trey has been SO active this morning - kicking and rolling and moving around. It's so fun to feel him moving (at least when I'm not trying to sleep!) but he tends to spend all his time on my right side - I rarely feel him on my left.
For more Quick Takes, click here.
2. I am feeling a little screwy these days - emotionally, mentally, whatever. I'm minorly concerned for what this means for my mental state after the baby comes. But maybe I'm just being weirdly emotional/hormonal now when I think that way.
3. Had a discussion w/ my husband tonight about how I am craving him being home all the time. He wanted to know how we find a balance between his needs to have occasional Man Time and my need to have him around. I felt like laughing. When do I get to have Girl Time that doesn't include my child(ren)? Obviously I am not expecting to actually get away from the child in utero, but geez.
4. I haven't had a night out with an adult female since October. I can tell you he has had weekly meetings for a Bible study for the past 6 weeks and several weekend outings (afternoons or evenings) with friends at least 4 times that I can think of off the top of my head in addition to that in the last 3 months. I did get a couple of hours w/ my mom a few weeks ago, which was a fun time, but it was marred by my dental appointment at the end.
5. Our couch is being delivered today! I am psyched!
6. My dogs seem to be objecting to spending so much time in the open sun room. They hang out out there when we're not home and when they are eating. They have liked the activity and the freedom when my dad is here in the afternoons (they get to go out to the back yard then) but they are whinier than usual when I put them out to eat and don't get them immediately, instead of just laying down for a nap. Guess I should go get them...
7. Trey has been SO active this morning - kicking and rolling and moving around. It's so fun to feel him moving (at least when I'm not trying to sleep!) but he tends to spend all his time on my right side - I rarely feel him on my left.
For more Quick Takes, click here.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Top 12 reasons why I wish I could go back to bed
1. This is the Sunshine State, so why isn't it sunny? It rained all morning, dried up and left us with an incredibly humid few hours and now the black clouds are rolling in again. It's definitely not happy weather.
2. My husband took the only thing suitable for eating for lunch (for an adult) with him to work this morning, and forgot to tell me, so I didn't stop to pick up anything (even though I wanted to but was trying to be responsible and not spend unneeded money).
3. I am hungry and my options are quite limited.
4. My back aches and I've been having Braxton Hicks off and on all morning. Honestly, they started last night, but haven't been consistent enough to even bother with anything more than drinking a glass of water to slow them down. But they make me cranky when they go on for hours like this...
5. Fuss has been alternating between being randomly hyper and incredibly dramatic all morning. This in itself is enough to make me want to hide under the covers. I can't seem to keep up with her energy or her moods.
6. The baby began his nighttime kicking at 4am and proceeded to remind me he was there - very persistently - every time I would get incredibly comfortable. My alarm at 6 was not welcome.
7. My week ahead is not shaping up to be very exciting and I'm having trouble shaking this bad mood, so all I can see in front of me is the negative stuff...
8. I finished the only fiction book I've got right now this morning at work and all my non-fiction books are depressing me, so I don't even have something with which to curl up and read for fun.
9. We began to look at the I'm-not-working-because-my-job-ended-early budget last night and it sort of depressed me. We are a couple hundred dollars short every month without adding the expenses that I was hoping to include (like part-time day care for Fuss in the fall, a new couch and a new recliner).
10. I have no bras that are currently comfortable fore longer than a 2-hour stretch. This makes for really uncomfortable days.
11. I am out of margarita mix, so I can't even pretend to have a margarita tonight with dinner. (A good mix tastes very similar to a well-mixed margarita, so I am often able to fool myself into thinking that I'm having a cocktail, when in fact it is a mock-tail.)
12. We also couldn't find my favorite wine-alternative - Welches' Sparkling White Grape Juice - at the grocery store this weekend, so that option is out as well.
So, what do you think? SHould I go back to bed and forget this day ever happened?
2. My husband took the only thing suitable for eating for lunch (for an adult) with him to work this morning, and forgot to tell me, so I didn't stop to pick up anything (even though I wanted to but was trying to be responsible and not spend unneeded money).
3. I am hungry and my options are quite limited.
4. My back aches and I've been having Braxton Hicks off and on all morning. Honestly, they started last night, but haven't been consistent enough to even bother with anything more than drinking a glass of water to slow them down. But they make me cranky when they go on for hours like this...
5. Fuss has been alternating between being randomly hyper and incredibly dramatic all morning. This in itself is enough to make me want to hide under the covers. I can't seem to keep up with her energy or her moods.
6. The baby began his nighttime kicking at 4am and proceeded to remind me he was there - very persistently - every time I would get incredibly comfortable. My alarm at 6 was not welcome.
7. My week ahead is not shaping up to be very exciting and I'm having trouble shaking this bad mood, so all I can see in front of me is the negative stuff...
8. I finished the only fiction book I've got right now this morning at work and all my non-fiction books are depressing me, so I don't even have something with which to curl up and read for fun.
9. We began to look at the I'm-not-working-because-my-job-ended-early budget last night and it sort of depressed me. We are a couple hundred dollars short every month without adding the expenses that I was hoping to include (like part-time day care for Fuss in the fall, a new couch and a new recliner).
10. I have no bras that are currently comfortable fore longer than a 2-hour stretch. This makes for really uncomfortable days.
11. I am out of margarita mix, so I can't even pretend to have a margarita tonight with dinner. (A good mix tastes very similar to a well-mixed margarita, so I am often able to fool myself into thinking that I'm having a cocktail, when in fact it is a mock-tail.)
12. We also couldn't find my favorite wine-alternative - Welches' Sparkling White Grape Juice - at the grocery store this weekend, so that option is out as well.
So, what do you think? SHould I go back to bed and forget this day ever happened?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tooth Pain Rant.... and Gardenias, too!
I hate the dentist. Have I mentioned this? I HATE going to the dentist. I have horrible memories of my first dentist, though when my mom finally got the picture that the crotchety old man terrified me, she found me a much nicer pediatric dentist and he was okay, but I mean, who likes going to the dentist, right? And then I had this orthodontist who had these HUGE, MASSIVE, MEATY hands (they belonged on a butcher. Seriously, I always felt that way) and here he was trying to manipulate pieces of metal into my very tiny mouth (every person who has ever worked on my teeth/mouth has commented on how tiny my mouth is) and it was several years of torture, though he, at least, tried to be nice about it.
So I avoid the dentist like the plague. I think I've been to the dentist 3 times since I became an adult (my pediatric dentist stops taking kids at 18) and 2 of those times were at my moms request, just before my wedding when she begged me to have my teeth cleaned and a filling put in a cavity that showed when I smiled.
Plus, I have bad teeth. I blame that gallons of undiluted apple juice I drank as a kid, even during the nighttime (I was allowed to have a cup of it by my bedside for years and would wake up feeling dry and take a swig) and the fact that I, like most people, don't brush or floss often enough or well enough. But anyhow, my teeth are not great, so I have a tendancy towards cavities anyhow...
But I have a tooth ache. And when I finally sucked it up to go see a dentist about it yesterday, I was informed that a) it was possibly infected and b) the decay was severe enough that I would need to see an oral surgeon to have it extracted or have a root canal done, since it was bad enough that this dentist couldn't take care of it for me. Ugh.
As if finding a babysitter wasn't hard enough for FUN reasons, now I need to find one in the middle of the day, during regular business hours to get this darn thing taken care of. And it's obviously not something I can fudge and bring her along if the babysitting thing doesn't work out... I already had to ask my husband to come home early yesterday for the first appointment, where I was hoping they could just TAKE CARE OF IT, but it's hard for me to do that to him repeatedly - his boss isn't all that great about family obligations, though I admit getting him to let my husband work from yesterday was surprisingly easier than I expected...
And I have to get my OB to tell them all this stuff about what I can have - anesthetics, pain meds, antibiotics, etc. because OF COURSE they don't know all this stuff and they have to cover their backsides (which, truly, I understand and I appreciate as far as it goes to protect me and my baby, but isn't it something they should know? Can't you just give a pregnant woman some Novocaine and move on? I cannot be the first pregnant woman to ever need dental work...) so I have to make a zillion phone calls to the OB, too.
The one bright spot over the last couple of days is that our gardenia bushes are in bloom and my husband makes a habit of gathering some great blooms and bringing them inside for me, so every time I pass them, I get this awesome scent of gardenia flowers... Even the gardenia bush that my old co-workers sent me when Fuss was born is blooming. (It was blooming great when I got it, but this is the first flower I remember seeing since we planted it. I don't think it gets quite enough sun, but it's likely too late to transplant it elsewhere)
So here I am. Tooth aching, begging people to babysit my daughter so I can be tortured by someone I will then have to pay a fortune to. But at least my house smells good.
So I avoid the dentist like the plague. I think I've been to the dentist 3 times since I became an adult (my pediatric dentist stops taking kids at 18) and 2 of those times were at my moms request, just before my wedding when she begged me to have my teeth cleaned and a filling put in a cavity that showed when I smiled.
Plus, I have bad teeth. I blame that gallons of undiluted apple juice I drank as a kid, even during the nighttime (I was allowed to have a cup of it by my bedside for years and would wake up feeling dry and take a swig) and the fact that I, like most people, don't brush or floss often enough or well enough. But anyhow, my teeth are not great, so I have a tendancy towards cavities anyhow...
But I have a tooth ache. And when I finally sucked it up to go see a dentist about it yesterday, I was informed that a) it was possibly infected and b) the decay was severe enough that I would need to see an oral surgeon to have it extracted or have a root canal done, since it was bad enough that this dentist couldn't take care of it for me. Ugh.
As if finding a babysitter wasn't hard enough for FUN reasons, now I need to find one in the middle of the day, during regular business hours to get this darn thing taken care of. And it's obviously not something I can fudge and bring her along if the babysitting thing doesn't work out... I already had to ask my husband to come home early yesterday for the first appointment, where I was hoping they could just TAKE CARE OF IT, but it's hard for me to do that to him repeatedly - his boss isn't all that great about family obligations, though I admit getting him to let my husband work from yesterday was surprisingly easier than I expected...
And I have to get my OB to tell them all this stuff about what I can have - anesthetics, pain meds, antibiotics, etc. because OF COURSE they don't know all this stuff and they have to cover their backsides (which, truly, I understand and I appreciate as far as it goes to protect me and my baby, but isn't it something they should know? Can't you just give a pregnant woman some Novocaine and move on? I cannot be the first pregnant woman to ever need dental work...) so I have to make a zillion phone calls to the OB, too.
The one bright spot over the last couple of days is that our gardenia bushes are in bloom and my husband makes a habit of gathering some great blooms and bringing them inside for me, so every time I pass them, I get this awesome scent of gardenia flowers... Even the gardenia bush that my old co-workers sent me when Fuss was born is blooming. (It was blooming great when I got it, but this is the first flower I remember seeing since we planted it. I don't think it gets quite enough sun, but it's likely too late to transplant it elsewhere)
So here I am. Tooth aching, begging people to babysit my daughter so I can be tortured by someone I will then have to pay a fortune to. But at least my house smells good.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
MIL rant
My Mother-in-law is a hoarder. Like the ones on TV.
Sure, she throws away banana peels when she's eaten a banana and takes out her trash on a twice-weekly basis, but the "stuff" whether broken or damaged or just plain old... it's all there. She has a 4 bedroom house with separate living and family rooms. Only 2 of those bedrooms can be used for sleeping (and not because the others don't have beds in them... they do). Her living room has been closed off for several years because you can no longer step into the room for all of the stuff in there. Her 1-car garage is barely usable for the laundry room she keeps in the back. And she has had a off-site storage unit, too, that she's had for at least 12 years, if not longer.
This is just the tip of the ice berg, really, but I tell you this to set up my story from this weekend.
As I've mentioned, my husband's grandmother passed away a couple of weeks ago. She was also a hoarder of sorts (she taught these tricks to her daughter, obviously) and there is so much STUFF in her house that I am baffled by it all. So we have to clean out this house, since we cannot afford the mortgage on it and the bank will have to foreclose. But what to do with the stuff? Of course, MIL wants it.
She has agreed to have a garage sale and sell some of it, but we need to move it across to our town instead of holding it at the house. So yesterday, we rented a big moving van (26 footer - we're talking BIG here, folks) and began to load it all up. We had to have a place to PUT it all, of course, so we also rented a POD to sit temporarily in her driveway until we can sell off the stuff in it. (And when I say "we" I literally mean we - my husband and I paid for this stuff to the tune of at least $400.) We told her that the the truck needed to be back by 4 and that that was all time we could offer her for the day. We were willing to start early - the truck rental place opened at 8 and we were there by five after to pick it up, so we got started as early as we really could.
I am going to skip a lot of details here, but I'll tell you that Fuss and I left a little before 2:00 to go home for Fuss's nap and to be there for the delivery of the POD to MIL's house. My husband was supposed to try and finish up by 4 at G-ma's house and we were realistically assuming that he'd be done by 6. We had a date night planned and our babysitter would be there around 6:30.
He didn't get home until after 8:00. He had to threaten to leave with the truck around 5:00 to get his mom and sister to move their rears into gear. They still didn't get everything they wanted to take, but apparently they got most of it. They were going to go back and try and load up her hatchback or something with more.
I was TICKED OFF. She knew we had plans and completely blew them off. She knew we had given her a time limit and casually threw it away. She didn't care. And when my husband jokingly joked that our cut of the garage sale proceeds would be 30% (a random number) she got all pissy and told him that there would be no "cut" despite the fact that we would be doing all the work (she had plans for the first weekend we planned to run the sale and would not be around to help out at all).
In addition to this, while we were at her house moving out some old, broken appliances (her dishwasher hasn't run in at least 10 years) to swap with the newer ones at G-ma's house she discovered a dead rat in her kitchen. A DEAD RAT. She was slightly surprised, but didn't seem that upset about it. I have to tell you that if I had a rat - dead or alive - in my house I would be FREAKED OUT. No one should live like that. And while I know that rodents happen (I'm not judging every person who has ever had a rat in their house, it happens, but come on - don't you try and DO something about it when you suspect it? And aren't you disgusted when you find it IN YOUR KITCHEN? Where you keep FOOD. That you EAT? Ick.) her attitude about it really concerns me.
So I am ticked at my MIL, but I have to be sweet and polite because I know she is grieving and I don't want her to feel like this is about G-ma and all of that. But I've realized lately how selfish a person she truly is, and I never would have called her such a thing previously.
Sure, she throws away banana peels when she's eaten a banana and takes out her trash on a twice-weekly basis, but the "stuff" whether broken or damaged or just plain old... it's all there. She has a 4 bedroom house with separate living and family rooms. Only 2 of those bedrooms can be used for sleeping (and not because the others don't have beds in them... they do). Her living room has been closed off for several years because you can no longer step into the room for all of the stuff in there. Her 1-car garage is barely usable for the laundry room she keeps in the back. And she has had a off-site storage unit, too, that she's had for at least 12 years, if not longer.
This is just the tip of the ice berg, really, but I tell you this to set up my story from this weekend.
As I've mentioned, my husband's grandmother passed away a couple of weeks ago. She was also a hoarder of sorts (she taught these tricks to her daughter, obviously) and there is so much STUFF in her house that I am baffled by it all. So we have to clean out this house, since we cannot afford the mortgage on it and the bank will have to foreclose. But what to do with the stuff? Of course, MIL wants it.
She has agreed to have a garage sale and sell some of it, but we need to move it across to our town instead of holding it at the house. So yesterday, we rented a big moving van (26 footer - we're talking BIG here, folks) and began to load it all up. We had to have a place to PUT it all, of course, so we also rented a POD to sit temporarily in her driveway until we can sell off the stuff in it. (And when I say "we" I literally mean we - my husband and I paid for this stuff to the tune of at least $400.) We told her that the the truck needed to be back by 4 and that that was all time we could offer her for the day. We were willing to start early - the truck rental place opened at 8 and we were there by five after to pick it up, so we got started as early as we really could.
I am going to skip a lot of details here, but I'll tell you that Fuss and I left a little before 2:00 to go home for Fuss's nap and to be there for the delivery of the POD to MIL's house. My husband was supposed to try and finish up by 4 at G-ma's house and we were realistically assuming that he'd be done by 6. We had a date night planned and our babysitter would be there around 6:30.
He didn't get home until after 8:00. He had to threaten to leave with the truck around 5:00 to get his mom and sister to move their rears into gear. They still didn't get everything they wanted to take, but apparently they got most of it. They were going to go back and try and load up her hatchback or something with more.
I was TICKED OFF. She knew we had plans and completely blew them off. She knew we had given her a time limit and casually threw it away. She didn't care. And when my husband jokingly joked that our cut of the garage sale proceeds would be 30% (a random number) she got all pissy and told him that there would be no "cut" despite the fact that we would be doing all the work (she had plans for the first weekend we planned to run the sale and would not be around to help out at all).
In addition to this, while we were at her house moving out some old, broken appliances (her dishwasher hasn't run in at least 10 years) to swap with the newer ones at G-ma's house she discovered a dead rat in her kitchen. A DEAD RAT. She was slightly surprised, but didn't seem that upset about it. I have to tell you that if I had a rat - dead or alive - in my house I would be FREAKED OUT. No one should live like that. And while I know that rodents happen (I'm not judging every person who has ever had a rat in their house, it happens, but come on - don't you try and DO something about it when you suspect it? And aren't you disgusted when you find it IN YOUR KITCHEN? Where you keep FOOD. That you EAT? Ick.) her attitude about it really concerns me.
So I am ticked at my MIL, but I have to be sweet and polite because I know she is grieving and I don't want her to feel like this is about G-ma and all of that. But I've realized lately how selfish a person she truly is, and I never would have called her such a thing previously.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Ugh.
I was awakened 3 times during the night by a wailing toddler. Two of those times were a missing Maddie the Monkey, but I've no idea what the other one was. I tucked her back in and she was quiet for an hour or so.
I have a headache that began somewhere around 8am today while I was at work. I drank my soda and took some Tylenol, but it didn't help even a little. Somehow, I managed to finish work (we were busy) and I even feel I did a good job of not ignoring my daughter during that time. But my post-work To Do list is huge, so I began to prioritize.
We're delivering dinner to a friend who just had a baby tonight and I had half the supplies for lasagna and had to stop at the grocery store to buy the cheeses. On our way to the store, Fuss took off 1 shoe and now it seems to be missing. Which meant I had to carry her instead of having her walk.
She nearly fell asleep in the 3 minutes it takes to get home. She cried when I set her on the ground and begged "carry you!" so I went ahead and picked her up again. In the 6 steps it takes to get to the door, she then threw up on me.
It has been a rough day.
We are both going to get medicated and take a nap now.
I have a headache that began somewhere around 8am today while I was at work. I drank my soda and took some Tylenol, but it didn't help even a little. Somehow, I managed to finish work (we were busy) and I even feel I did a good job of not ignoring my daughter during that time. But my post-work To Do list is huge, so I began to prioritize.
We're delivering dinner to a friend who just had a baby tonight and I had half the supplies for lasagna and had to stop at the grocery store to buy the cheeses. On our way to the store, Fuss took off 1 shoe and now it seems to be missing. Which meant I had to carry her instead of having her walk.
She nearly fell asleep in the 3 minutes it takes to get home. She cried when I set her on the ground and begged "carry you!" so I went ahead and picked her up again. In the 6 steps it takes to get to the door, she then threw up on me.
It has been a rough day.
We are both going to get medicated and take a nap now.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Energy... or lack thereof
I spent all of yesterday out of the house - 7am to 7pm. Fuss and I went to work all morning and then spent another several hours at my mom's. Fuss fell asleep in my mom's arms while we watched Little House on the Prairie reruns and slept there for a couple of hours. I was grateful for the break of letting my mom run after her for a bit - the non-stop single-parenting thing is running me down and again I worry about my ability to physical care for 2 children when Fry is born.
It's been a weird week. I'm struggling off and on with some mild depression... my husband is so often my sunshine, and when he is gone I feel the loss so strongly, like being in the dark for a prolonged period of time. And I've been feeling it since he told me he was leaving a week ago, so it's not always a logical feeling.
My living room looks like our drawers threw up - I've got about 4 loads of laundry - mostly unfolded - spread over half the room. My house is a mess and I'm so worn out that I have little energy to do anything about it, but I don't want my husband to come home to this disaster. I've got to find some time and energy to do a little picking up around here, even if there is no major cleaning actually done. (I did scrub my kitchen on Tuesday and that is in reasonably good shape, but the rest of the house needs a bunch of work!)
Where do i get the energy when all I want to do is sleep? And why do I still want to sleep so much? 50% of the time lately, I take a nap when Fuss does and I still sleep 7-8 hours every night. When will I start to feel normal again?
This morning Fuss had SO much energy. She was happy and giggling and reasonably well-behaved, but she was EVERYWHERE all at once. She was running in circles for my dad, bouncing up and down on me and had 2 of the worst diaper messes I've seen in months. (She was in her spare outfit before 9am, having heavily soiled her first one.)
I don't know where she gets this energy. It certainly isn't from me.
It's been a weird week. I'm struggling off and on with some mild depression... my husband is so often my sunshine, and when he is gone I feel the loss so strongly, like being in the dark for a prolonged period of time. And I've been feeling it since he told me he was leaving a week ago, so it's not always a logical feeling.
My living room looks like our drawers threw up - I've got about 4 loads of laundry - mostly unfolded - spread over half the room. My house is a mess and I'm so worn out that I have little energy to do anything about it, but I don't want my husband to come home to this disaster. I've got to find some time and energy to do a little picking up around here, even if there is no major cleaning actually done. (I did scrub my kitchen on Tuesday and that is in reasonably good shape, but the rest of the house needs a bunch of work!)
Where do i get the energy when all I want to do is sleep? And why do I still want to sleep so much? 50% of the time lately, I take a nap when Fuss does and I still sleep 7-8 hours every night. When will I start to feel normal again?
This morning Fuss had SO much energy. She was happy and giggling and reasonably well-behaved, but she was EVERYWHERE all at once. She was running in circles for my dad, bouncing up and down on me and had 2 of the worst diaper messes I've seen in months. (She was in her spare outfit before 9am, having heavily soiled her first one.)
I don't know where she gets this energy. It certainly isn't from me.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sleep and Sickness
I am sick. Usually, I can manage not to get too bad when Fuss gets sick between the Zicam and the fact that mostly, her colds don't slow her down much so she's not real clingy, etc. Not this time. And it's wreaking havoc on my sleep patterns which were already seriously messed up from all her sleepless and much-interrupted sleep nights. Fun. I spent Saturday night on the couch for 4 hours, attempting to keep from suffocating by sleeping sitting up. You can imagine the back aches.
Fuss slept in her new Big Girl Bed for a nap on both Saturday and Sunday. She's doing okay, but neither nap was her usual 2 hours or more. Is that due to the coughing she's dealing with, or the new bed, I don't know. But we are going to continue the nap-time in the BGB and the crib at night for a week or so. Then we shall see. Hopefully, we will all be feeling better by then.
I still need to order (or have my MIL order) her new quilt, so that her birthday present is complete and then I will take a picture to share. I think it's gonna be cute. My mom keeps arguing with me about my choice of quilts - not that she doesn't like the one I chose, but that there are other, better ones. And you know, she's right. But I really want to do a pink and green theme and this one is pink and green and the others have a lot more of the other colors like purple and blue. And they're pretty, but it messes with my plan, so I like this one. And when we hopefully get the garage converted and move Fuss into her own room, I want to do the whole thing in pink and green and flowers and butterflies (some of her favorite things) so I thought she'd go along with it, but my mom has an opinion on everything, I guess. Hahaha.
Looking forward to nap time this afternoon. Wish us luck.
Friday, February 12, 2010
7 Quick Takes: It's Been a LONG Week
My blog has been dark the last 2 days due to the combination of sick Fuss and single parenting. And now I am getting sick and of course can't take anything before 12 weeks (for those counting, I'm at 10). Also the crazy-worry about my husband who is in Delaware, flying out of Philadelphia, which has been closed for the last 2 days.
1. I am tired. 5 days is too much. Yesterday, I determined that 4 days is too much. I'm at the end of my rope and my patience is gone. Of course, I am also beginning to get sick, so that might be playing a part in that.
2. Fuss has a bad cold which developed into an ear infection. It's her first, 2 weeks before her 2nd birthday, so obviously we're not doing too bad in that department. My best friend's son had been on antibiotics 4 times before his first birthday, for example. I guess my "better to be safe than sorry" attitude is working afterall.
3. The take-out diet does nothing for my intestinal issues. I hadn't had hardly any vegetables in days and my tummy is rebelling. Despite the fact that I'm eating Asian food almost exclusively, it's not nearly as healthy as I would have thought...
4. Fuss hasn't been eating over the last day or so. This is very unusual for her. She's also been taking extra naps that throw off her schedule a bunch. I ended up only working one day this week instead of my usual 3. It really ended up being bet that way, but I feel at least a little guilty (it wavers between a lot and a little) about not doing my part to bring in a paycheck. Our schedule went out the window. I knew I liked schedules, but I don't think I realized how much I depend on them.
5. My husband is scheduled to fly home today and we are hopeful that he will get home on time. I am grateful that they opened the airport this morning. A friend of ours was supposed to fly home from the same airport yesterday and he won't be getting home until Saturday night.
6. My husband's birthday is this weekend and I need to make his favorite oatmeal cake. I hope I have all the ingredients, because I don't really want to go back to the grocery store today. We went yesterday to pick up Fuss's prescription and some "hold of the cold" supplies for me (OJ, Zicam, etc.) We have reservations for his birthday and a babysitter all set up, so I'm really hoping that everyone is feeling up to the plans we have in place.
7. I am very ready for this week to be over. Very, very ready.
1. I am tired. 5 days is too much. Yesterday, I determined that 4 days is too much. I'm at the end of my rope and my patience is gone. Of course, I am also beginning to get sick, so that might be playing a part in that.
2. Fuss has a bad cold which developed into an ear infection. It's her first, 2 weeks before her 2nd birthday, so obviously we're not doing too bad in that department. My best friend's son had been on antibiotics 4 times before his first birthday, for example. I guess my "better to be safe than sorry" attitude is working afterall.
3. The take-out diet does nothing for my intestinal issues. I hadn't had hardly any vegetables in days and my tummy is rebelling. Despite the fact that I'm eating Asian food almost exclusively, it's not nearly as healthy as I would have thought...
4. Fuss hasn't been eating over the last day or so. This is very unusual for her. She's also been taking extra naps that throw off her schedule a bunch. I ended up only working one day this week instead of my usual 3. It really ended up being bet that way, but I feel at least a little guilty (it wavers between a lot and a little) about not doing my part to bring in a paycheck. Our schedule went out the window. I knew I liked schedules, but I don't think I realized how much I depend on them.
5. My husband is scheduled to fly home today and we are hopeful that he will get home on time. I am grateful that they opened the airport this morning. A friend of ours was supposed to fly home from the same airport yesterday and he won't be getting home until Saturday night.
6. My husband's birthday is this weekend and I need to make his favorite oatmeal cake. I hope I have all the ingredients, because I don't really want to go back to the grocery store today. We went yesterday to pick up Fuss's prescription and some "hold of the cold" supplies for me (OJ, Zicam, etc.) We have reservations for his birthday and a babysitter all set up, so I'm really hoping that everyone is feeling up to the plans we have in place.
7. I am very ready for this week to be over. Very, very ready.
Friday, January 22, 2010
I need a drink (and I can't even have one)
Why is it that when you're pregnant, you have so much stress (concerns over your new baby, your old baby, where both of them are going to sleep, how you are going to afford it, etc., etc.) and yet you can't have a drink to help you relax? It really blows.
Thursday afternoon, while getting ready to finally get some laundry done, the Fuss woke up early from her nap. She demanded milk AND juice, neither of which I had ready (she's little demanding when she first wakes up) and when I went to pour her milk, I discovered that the brand-new gallon of milk I bought yesterday had slow-leaked half the gallon all over my fridge. Fuss had tripped me when I brought it in yesterday and I dropped it, but it had looked okay (but obviously wasn't). The other thing I discovered (along with an ink pen that had mysteriously cemented itself to the the bottom of the fridge under the crisper drawer) was that I desperately need to clean out my fridge. I was hoping to leave that until the baby was born and my mom came over to avail herself of her cleaning services, but I don't know that that is going to happen. Methinks it's gonna need to be sooner than that.
Somewhere along the way, Fuss has acquired an obsession with deodorant sticks and stole one from the bathroom, shortly after I sat down after cleaning up the milk mess. I guess she will be clean and fresh this afternoon.
Then she wanted her paci, but we are phasing out the paci during waking hours, so she then had a major meltdown, which really didn't work for me, either.
Early today, she pooped in her diaper and then she stuck her hand down the back of her diaper and pulled some out. Yeah. She then tried to wipe it all over me and the chair I was sitting in, before I realized what, exactly she had on her hand to begin with. Yeah, it's been that kind of day.
I sent Daddy Fuss a text joking that I needed a drink. He wrote back, "water or a virgin margarita?" Ha ha, very funny. But I think I'm gonna have a breakdown before the night is through if things keep going on like this.
Thursday afternoon, while getting ready to finally get some laundry done, the Fuss woke up early from her nap. She demanded milk AND juice, neither of which I had ready (she's little demanding when she first wakes up) and when I went to pour her milk, I discovered that the brand-new gallon of milk I bought yesterday had slow-leaked half the gallon all over my fridge. Fuss had tripped me when I brought it in yesterday and I dropped it, but it had looked okay (but obviously wasn't). The other thing I discovered (along with an ink pen that had mysteriously cemented itself to the the bottom of the fridge under the crisper drawer) was that I desperately need to clean out my fridge. I was hoping to leave that until the baby was born and my mom came over to avail herself of her cleaning services, but I don't know that that is going to happen. Methinks it's gonna need to be sooner than that.
Somewhere along the way, Fuss has acquired an obsession with deodorant sticks and stole one from the bathroom, shortly after I sat down after cleaning up the milk mess. I guess she will be clean and fresh this afternoon.
Then she wanted her paci, but we are phasing out the paci during waking hours, so she then had a major meltdown, which really didn't work for me, either.
Early today, she pooped in her diaper and then she stuck her hand down the back of her diaper and pulled some out. Yeah. She then tried to wipe it all over me and the chair I was sitting in, before I realized what, exactly she had on her hand to begin with. Yeah, it's been that kind of day.
I sent Daddy Fuss a text joking that I needed a drink. He wrote back, "water or a virgin margarita?" Ha ha, very funny. But I think I'm gonna have a breakdown before the night is through if things keep going on like this.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Rant
My mom's best friend's daughter (we refer to mom's best friend as my "aunt", so her daughter would be my "cousin") just had her 3rd child. Her first 2 were boys and she was thrilled to find out that her third (and likely final) was a girl. Her whole life her dream was to be a wife and mother, but sometimes I wonder about that.
She gave up breast feeding her first 2 in the first month because it was "hard." Never mind that they have no money and formula is expensive, it was hard, so she quit. My aunt was bragging to my mom (not in a bad way, but in a proud way) the other day that my cousin was exclusively breast feeding the new baby since she had just taken to it, and my aunt was so happy about this, but on FB my cousin is suddenly talking obsessivly about losing weight (she's 3 weeks postpartum - and she's never overweight - she eats like crazy when she is pregnant, but it never looks like she is going crazy.)
She's talking about all these crash diets - Special K, grapefruit, etc. And I'm sitting here going - "just keep BFing and it will melt off." Basically, I'm of the opinion that if she would just stop being selfish and do something for her kid, it will all work out.
She gave up breast feeding her first 2 in the first month because it was "hard." Never mind that they have no money and formula is expensive, it was hard, so she quit. My aunt was bragging to my mom (not in a bad way, but in a proud way) the other day that my cousin was exclusively breast feeding the new baby since she had just taken to it, and my aunt was so happy about this, but on FB my cousin is suddenly talking obsessivly about losing weight (she's 3 weeks postpartum - and she's never overweight - she eats like crazy when she is pregnant, but it never looks like she is going crazy.)
She's talking about all these crash diets - Special K, grapefruit, etc. And I'm sitting here going - "just keep BFing and it will melt off." Basically, I'm of the opinion that if she would just stop being selfish and do something for her kid, it will all work out.
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