Wanted

I wanted this baby.
I know that God had other plans, that He knows best and I certainly do not know better than He.
But I wanted this baby.
I never got to know him or her - I didn't even know if he was a him or her. That's really hard to think about. But then I think about Maddie and I think that losing my baby after getting to know her would be so much worse.
Maybe that's what God knew?

I am blessed that it all happened naturally. I don't know that I could have gone through a procedure to physically remove the baby from my body, even if all the confirmation was there that it no longer lived. I don't know. I just know that I am, in fact, grateful that it all happened naturally.

In a sort of weird way, every time I saw more blood and tissue I cried harder... knowing that that was what used to be my baby. It hurt.

People kept asking if I was in pain. I had really horrible lower back "cramps" which made me somewhat miserable, but the worst pain was knowing that I had lost my chance to mother this baby. That Fuss would never know this sibling. I didn't have the horrible stomach cramps that I expected. A few, yes, but not nearly what imagined.

Physically, I am better now. I stopped bleeding at the beginning of the week, my lower back pain dissipated (though I'm having some now, but I think it's unrelated) and I'm not as run down and achy. I have healed.

Emotionally, I am better, too. I'm not randomly crying anymore, not trying to remember why I have to get out of bed. I am going on with my life. But sometimes, when I talk about it, I tear up, I cry a little, I get that catch in my voice.

This baby was wanted, and never got to be.