Julie wrote on her blog this week about feeding her new baby: "However we nourish our children, we all want to give them the best in ourselves." And, oh, how I'm finding that to be true.
I don't have a problem pumping, though I don't get nearly the supply from the pump that I do when the baby is at my breast. But I'm finding myself counting the days, making plans, and very much looking forward to the time when The Fuss can be weaned. My original plan was for a year, but come her first birthday - wham! it was over. (obviously, there would be some time involved in the weaning process - I'm not stupid). My current thought? Nine or 10 months. Hopefully, 9, but I can probably deal if we're mostly done by 9 with a couple of feedings a day in the 10th month. Why is it that, nearly 6 months into it, I still don't like breastfeeding?
The thing is, you know what has kept me going this long? The indoctrination I read while pregnant from the Milk-Nazis about the detriments of formula. And my friends - those I trusted to be my examples - were so gung ho on breast feeding in the beginning. Having already fed several of their own and having babies around the same time as me (my sister had her youngest 4 months before The Fuss, my friend M had her youngest about 6 weeks before The Fuss), i was so sure they were anti-formula, too.
When my niece visited in June, she was 8 months old and had been on formula for 2 months or so. My sister had no issues with this whatsoever - felt no guilt, made no excuses, etc. She encouraged me to do whatever I felt was right. She taught me not to make excuses for feeding my child in public, etc.
My friend M just went back to work for the first time since her 3 year old was born. An office job (one Daddy Fuss and I helped her procure), she obviously can't bring her baby and she's never had much luck with the pump. In preparation for her return to work, she began to wean her daughter and had an easier time doing that than she did breast feeding.
But The Fuss hasn't had a drop of formula since she was a week old. Eventually, she'll need to go on formula if I'm going to wean her before a year, right? So should I start introducing it ahead of time? These night feedings in the last month have depleted my ability to replenish my frozen supply of milk and so any long period of time away from her (read: more than a feeding or two) will wipe out what is in my freezer and I'll have no emergency supply in case of unforseen circumstances. Wouldn't it be better to introduce her to some formula in case I'm hit by a car or something? Or is that ridiculous reasoning?
I just wish I liked breastfeeding her more. And lately, she's only wanted to eat for a few minutes at a time during the day, but often wants to eat more frequently (like every hour after she only ate for 3-5 minutes during the feeding she begged for) and I feel rejected and annoyed. I wasn't crazy about feeding her every 2 hours, what makes her think I want to feed her every hour? And when I have to convince her to eat? Ugh.
I'm just so tired of fighting her. Am I wussing out if I start to put her on formula? Will my husband kill me for adding to our expenses? I've got a ton of formula samples stockpiled, but how long will they last and can I mix brands, since they come from many different places?