Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Injustice, In-laws and Illness.

We had a weird weekend. Of course, I started with the more intense morning sickness (the all-day type) on Thursday, so I’m feeling gross and tired, etc. Mr. Moose has family in from out of town (Aunt B. Uncle D and Cousin J and her daughter) and so everyone came over for dinner on Saturday night. We made the announcement to the extended family with a joint email to all of them, but since these family members haven’t been near a computer for a week – we told them in person. Mr. Moose’s mom suggested that I make my announcement. I made mine, and asked her if she wanted to tell the other half. She said, “no, you go ahead” and I hadn’t even opened my mouth yet and sister J yells “LB is pregnant!” at the top of her lungs and there were cheers and applause from everyone.

I know that LB has had everyone (and I do mean everyone) intimately involved with her quest for a child for over a year now. Everyone has prayed and been concerned about her potential infertility, etc. so they are more invested in the outcome. How come I sometimes feel like I’m being punished for keeping private things private? Everyone is so excited about LB’s baby – what about ours?

I know, I’m being selfish. I am genuinely happy that LB is having a child – this child will be loved and cared for by two parents who will truly cherish him or her for the miracle/blessing they are. My child will, too. And ultimately, these two cousins will probably love to get together and share their birthdays, etc. But right now I want to relish the moment of being pregnant. And I hate that I feel inferior to my SIL.

Cousin J took the reigns later and showed me “exactly” what I will need – no more no less. She’s very pushy about her opinions and so I did a lot of smiling and nodding. Some of the contraptions she showed me were cool – stuff I didn’t even know they made – but to assume I had no one else to give me input, or that I was incapable of researching and making these decisions on my own… that was frustrating for me. Sure, that may be fact for her child, but every baby is different. They wouldn’t make a dozen different options with the same safety rating if there were no different preferences out there.

On another subject: I’m currently reading The Memory Keeper’s Daughter which was loaned to me by a co-worker about a week ago. Since Harry Potter is too large to carry in my purse, I’m reading both simultaneously. The book is about twins – a boy and girl. In 1964 when they were born, the boy was born and he was fine and healthy. But when the girl was delivered, she bore the signs of having Downs Syndrome. Her father, the doctor, gave her to the nurse to be placed in an institution and told his wife the baby died. The nurse ran off with the baby and raised her as her own. It saddens and disturbs me to think that people would have those thoughts about a child. Several times in the book, things are said to the “mother” that are absolutely horrible. At 6 years old she is stung by a bee and has an allergic reaction. She is hurried to the ER and she has nearly stopped breathing. When the nurse realizes that she has Downs she actually asks “do you really want me to call the doctor?” with the thought that maybe it would be better if the child died than lived with her problem. That’s sick.
I don’t want my child to have Downs. I pray each day for a healthy baby, but there is no way I would treat my child like that, or stand for her/him to be treated in that way. I pray that today (though not so far away from the early 1970’s) people have learned and are more tolerant of other’s differences.

The morning sickness lasts most of the day these days. I can usually count on a major queasy feeling followed by excessive gagging/vomiting in the mid-afternoon. I don’t think I’d even mind so much if the spasms didn’t freaking HURT my tummy.

I go back and forth feeling good about my maternity clothes and not. I love them for the comfort and I have no problem with people seeing me as pregnant at this point, but I don’t like looking FAT. Ugh.

Dinner at BURNS this weekend, so my mom and I are going shopping for a dress tomorrow. NOTHING nice fits me, so I MUST find something both dressy enough for a fancy dinner and office appropriate so I can also wear it to work.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Remember the happy - (plus my weekly catch up)

Hello. Wow. I’ve been bad this week. I’ve been feeling kinda gross, which causes me to move slower and since work has been chaotic at best, I’ve had less and less time to devote to filling you in on, well, everything.

JULIA has had some great news, which has caused me to tear up with joy. I look forward to following her pregnancy with great happiness.

I also had some bad news. A mutual friend of Mr. Moose and myself (we were all friends in high school, but when I graduated, he and she remained close and she and I drifted apart) called to say hello last week. He shared our news and she told him, with effort that she had been pregnant, but no longer was. She was in a public setting and couldn’t discuss it, but called back later to give him the skinny. They were incredibly close friends once upon a time. He and I were the wedding photographers at her wedding. They’ve been married about a year and a half longer than us.

Long story short (she made him promise not to tell me all the details until after our baby was born) when they got to the mid-point ultra sound to find out the baby’s gender, they discovered some major abnormalities in the baby. So bad, in fact, that the chances of the baby making it to full term were slim, and surviving past a day or so were pretty much nil. The doctors also told them that there was some risk to the mother, so after much discussion with her husband, her parents and their pastor (we come from a background that is strongly against abortion) they decided to induce labor then, under medical supervision, somewhere around 20 weeks gestation. She was in labor for 32 hours. I cannot imagine the heartache that she must have dealt with. My heart breaks for her, especially since I know they dealt with some fertility problems early on in the quest for a child. It has, of course, put a strain on them both. The good news, though it hardly makes up for the pain they’ve recently endured, is that it wasn’t found to be a genetic defect, and the chances of children having this problem in the future are statistically very low. My heart aches with sadness for them. I know how attached I am to our little bean, and how each day, I become more so. I cannot imagine losing a baby that far along without enduring some very serious heartache. Though I know she will likely never read this, my prayers are with her and her husband as they grieve and deal with their loss.

I think the reality of this situation makes talk of serious problems more real to Mr. Moose. He has often wondered as I have gotten involved with the world of infertility online if I am filling my head with so much of the negative, that I’m setting myself up for disappointment. I see it as getting a taste of reality. My BFF conceives so easily, that I needed to be reminded with some real, true stories that it isn’t that easy for all of us.

In other news, my morning sickness has persisted, though it is simply periods of nausea with occasional attacks of gagging that seem to come both randomly and in accordance with strong odors. Cheerios have become a friend. Something mild to sit in my stomach at all times.

Please forgive the TMI I’m about to share. You’d think with my history of, shall we say “loose” trips to the bathroom, the iron in the pre-natals wouldn’t affect me so much. Not so. I seem to go from one extreme to the next pretty much every couple of days. I hope I am not doing my baby harm with my occasional minor dehydration. I am quite good about staying hydrated at home, where there is water I like, but not nearly as good about it at work.

My SIL mentioned today that she’s been feeling rather queasy as well. Her current EDD is March 2nd – merely 4 days after my own. There are really only 2 days which I DON’T want to deliver – Mr. Moose’s birthday – which doubles as Valentine’s Day for most people in America – and February 29th – (2008 is a Leap Year). The more I think about it, the cooler it will be for these little cousins (in the future at least) to have close, if not the exact same birthday.

Mr. Moose and I discussed the potential dilemma of LB and I going into labor at the same time: where should his mother be? I decided that since I could not imagine my mother being anywhere but with me as I gave birth, that it would be very important for her to be with LB in North Carolina should she request her to be there. While my plan was always to have her there, should Mr. Moose faint (which he often does in medical situations), her need for her own mother would likely be greater and I have no intention of denying her that. Of course, the need may not arise – if either of us goes into labor early or late, or even exactly on time, his mother would have the opportunity to be there for both.

I’m almost exclusively wearing maternity clothes these days. I can wear my 2 skitrs that have elastic waistbands and several tops without issue, all of my pants are too restricting to be comfortable, so I have relegated them to the boxes of “too small” clothes and given up on them entirely. Really, only one of my pairs of pants fit me perfectly – the rest are all too big, but sit on my hips without falling down, so I wear them anyhow. Comfort is key, especially as my stomach seems to have a new annoying reaction each day.

We are making the announcement to his extended family soon (his aunt and cousin will be in town this weekend, and it is difficult for me to hide me slightly rounded midsection). I will likely give my grandmother the go-ahead to share the news with my cousins (and Aunt and Uncle) as well. It saddens me to think that my beloved favorite uncle will not be around to meet this baby, as I know he would have been a happily doting great-uncle to her (she’s a girl this week, as well), but many stories and pictures can be shared with her as she grows up so that she gets to know her great-uncle that was so important to me. I also think of my grandfather – who would have loved to have another generation sit in his lap. But I know he and his son will smile down on us from heaven.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Life is What Happens ...

Sunday night at 3am (so, really Monday morning) I got up to go to the restroom. I was feeling some tummy pressure and knew I needed to have a bowel movement. As is typical for me, they aren’t usually comfortable, but I got through it fairly quickly. As I cleaned up I noticed a fair amount of blood and assumed I had hemorrhoids (sorry if this is TMI), but checked to make sure one way or the other. I discovered that the blood was not in fact coming from the back, but the front and nearly had a panic attack. Long story short, I continued to spot pink for several more hours. I decided to stay home with my feet up (at my mom’s instruction) until my appointment that afternoon. My boss was very nice about it.

We went to the doctor’s office (where there was a mix up about my appointment and I was 2 hours early). And I met the midwife. I was rather nervous about that because I love my ARNP so much and my first experiences with the OB side of the office had been tense, but she was very nice. She relieved many of my fears about pains I’d had and sent me for a sonogram, just in case, though she was confident that things were fine. One thing I wish they provided was an email option for questions. The way the office is set up, you have to call and leave a voicemail for the nurse or assistant to the doctor you are wanting to deal with and she calls you back within about 36 hours. I would imagine email to be much more efficient for things like “can I take a Pepcid for this heartburn?” or “is it normal for me to be this tired ALL the time?” We had to go to the local hospital for the sonogram. (Their tech was out) It took forever, but we got to see our little lima bean. At just barely under 7 weeks, it didn’t do much, but it was there and the tech said everything looked fine.

A few hours after we finally got home (6 hours after we left) Mr. Moose’s sister, LB called. Long story short, she informed us that we were going to be an aunt and uncle as well as parents. As you know, this was a fear of mine, but I couldn’t help being excited for her. Her cycles are so weird and wonky that her due date could be the same as mine up to about 3 weeks after. What I found interesting after we hung up with her, was that Mr. Moose brought up the subject of inducing and stated that if we induced for health reasons, we weren’t going to give the family a lot of notice (a cousin, for instance found out about 6 weeks ahead of her due date that her doctor wanted to induce at 37 weeks). He doesn’t want to create tension and competition for who can get the baby out first, and neither do I. I had not mentioned my fears about LB’s competitiveness (as I mentioned a couple of weeks ago), but he felt the same way.

Ultimately, I am thrilled that she is having a baby and that there will not be that tension between us (from either way. I had always envisioned how I would feel if she got PG before me). We agreed to tell the extended family jointly (they have a large network of cousins and aunts and uncles), which sounded like fun at the time. I got an email from her today, though that my MIL suggests that we tell them before Aunt B goes in for surgery – July 18th. WHAT?! We were planning originally to announce it at cousin M’s wedding reception over Labor Day weekend when everyone was together and I would have passed my 1st trimester. Now they want to move that up a month and a half? For what?! LB won’t even really have her due date settled by then. And what if something happens (God forbid) to either baby in the first trimester? I can’t believe they are trying to pull this. I had told LB that I was willing to do it a little before the wedding because I didn’t want to totally rain on M’s wedding.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007


I’m looking forward to taking the day off tomorrow for the 4th. The fatigue part of the program has begun, though I must admit that it is not nearly as horrible thus far as I expected.

My BFF, K, gave me all her old maternity clothes over the weekend. Her husband declared – give them away or throw them away – we’re not having any more kids. I am incredibly grateful. There are a few things I can’t wear because they are too small, and many others that are going to be great to grow into. She has this one pair of khaki pants from her first pregnancy 4 years ago. When she bought them then, I wanted a pair of my own – they are so cute. These adorable pockets, etc. I’m wearing them today, but wont’ be wearing them again. I’m already too wide in the hips for them and since they are made out of regular khaki fabric, they don’t give at all. I’ve been trying to readjust them all day. I feel like my insides might pop out at any minute. I hope the baby isn’t losing circulation!

I told my sister on Sunday, over the phone. She was so happy for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear after the disappointing reaction from Mr. Moose’s family and the stunned reaction from my dad last week. (He seems better now, by the way. He must have already started talking about it, because I got an email from my favorite aunt with congratulations.). I told my sister “you’re going to be an aunt” and she got all excited! She told me I had made her year. The fact that she had that much joy over my news – really made it seem as if she was sharing this with me. Our babies will be about 4 months apart, which is pretty cool.

There are 2 friends I’m dying to tell yet. One is one of our old Youth Group kids that I’ve kept in close touch with and the other is my friend M who is also pregnant right now and will be 4-6 weeks ahead of me. She will also hopefully be the one to watch the baby when I return to work. That had always been the plan until she got pregnant, and now I’m not sure if she will have the room or resources for my infant along with her own.

I still have not responded to SIL, J about that letter she wrote me last week. I’ve told Mr. Moose that he will have to help me write it, because my emotions run the gamut each time I think about what to say.