Introvert

I can't decide if I'm becoming more introverted or if I'm falling back into the pattern of depression and this is just level one. I can't seem to get motivated anymore. I can't seem to be bothered to get out and do something.

We were invited to a New Year's Eve party at one of my closest friend's houses. We often spend Saturday nights at her house - letting the kids play until 9pm, then putting them both down with her kids and watching a movie or playing a game while drinking wine (often too much wine, but what's a little wine among friends, right? I LOVE hanging out with her. But she mentioned that she was inviting another friend - someone I've only met once but who was perfectly nice and I have no reason to dislike or think negatively about her in any way - and my entire attitude changed. Is it because I feel like my kids might be ignored when her kids are also there? (My friend's family's youngest is one of Fuss's very best friends, but her other friend has a daughter the same age and the last time they were all together, Fuss said to me on the way home, "I feel like she likes the other girl more than me!" and I felt so awful for her.)

And really, the New Year's thing is only one thing in a list of things that I have noticed that have changed in my outlook for life.

But I don't fit the definition of depression. I don't really want to DO anything anymore. I don't want to see most of my friends. I want to hang out with my husband or my friend M or by myself and that's pretty much it. I still get happy. I see my children learning or being so sweet and cute and my heart fills with joy.

But sometimes... it's not so much that I don't have hope for the future, but that I wonder if... there is a change in the future? Is this the goals I've been working for? Does it GET better/different than this? Or have I reached the peak of life? I mean, my life isn't a bad one, I have an amazing family who love me and I love them - but is this IT?

Santa brought me the power to organize!

I'm truly too embarrassed to take BEFORE pictures, (and honestly, since this has been an on-going project this month, it is SO much better than it was at it's disastrous peak) and it's really too late now to start. But I am awfully proud of myself for working so diligently to get the kids' rooms organized and under control - something they haven't been in a long, long time. I'm weeding out and clearing out unneeded and outgrown toys and clothes. I'm sorting them so that we have "a place for everything and everything in it's place." I'm becoming ruthless about that as a mantra. If there isn't room, then something has to go. I've cleared off 2 big shelves in Little Man's closet and it WILL be used to house his toys.The new toys (for the most part) all have homes in bins, etc. I raided the Target storage sale this morning and bought a bunch of bins of varying sizes (not as cheap as the $ store, but I needed something more than what Dollar Tree had to offer) to begin housing dress-up and doll clothes and I added a stackable rolling cart to Little Man's collection and re-purposed the bin I've been using for his toys to another location. I have GOT to get his out-grown clothes out of his room and into the garage. (which makes me nervous for all the FL humidity we deal with.)

My head is pounding today. It started early yesterday - about the time I was getting in the shower. Had so much to do and of course the excitement of everyone coming over and the hustle and bustle of the holidays (my step-family? I love them to bits, but they cannot make and keep plans to save their lives! I had 3 extra guests for dinner!) but I made it through the day without issue. By the time everyone left and I sat down to relax, it came back with a vengance and by the time we crawled into bed (after clearing the bed of all the various and sundry boxes and items that we had shoved into our room so we could be out of the way) I simply wanted to hide under the covers instead of truly enjoying our TV show. (Leverage, in case you were curious. And it apparently was suddenly cancelled, so we got the announcement a few days ago that this would be the series finale instead of just the season finale, so I really wanted to see it.)

Woke this morning to more pounding, though not nearly as bad as last night. Thought maybe a shower would perk me up. I'm basically just powering through it at this point. Too much to do and I'd LOVE to start 2013 with a clean and organized home!

Stuff on my mind

My brain is going in so many different directions right now that even my planner is sitting on my desk, shoved off to the side -  I can't seem to get even my thoughts organized enough to write them down. Bullets. That's all I can do for now.

• I did not get that job I applied for. I got a very polite email thanking me for my application, but informing me that they are going another direction. This actually works out fine, since the day before I got that email, my MIL who has been unemployed for a year and was my top (and really only - I had no other back up plan) choice for child care finally found a job and will be starting after the new year. 
• I keep thinking I'm done with Christmas prep and then thinking of something else I need to do/buy, etc. 
• I have lists coming out of my ears. 
• I am SO motivated to organize, but to be honest, I don't have the time (right now, I will after Christmas) to do as much as I'd like, so I'm frustrated by wanting to organize while I clean and not being able to. 
• My son threw a tantrum this morning as we were leaving the $ store because i wouldn't give him the cars I bought (for his stocking - I hadn't planned to, but he was so cute in asking and then when I set them in the cart and told him he'd have to wait, he was fine with that. Guess he thought he only had to wait until i was done paying). As soon as I mentioned that only good little boys went to the store and got a cookie (our grocery gives free cookies to the kids while shopping) the tantrum ceased and he cooed "cookie pace?" Adorable. Now I just need to have cookies to hold over his head all the time. 
• Went to the $ store this morning and bought more containers with lids for organizing the kids toys. I've read countless blogs that mention $ store containers and I had never found them myself. I stumbled across them the other day (buried in the furthest recesses of my local Dollar Tree) and have used several already to straighten my desk and Fuss's things. (of which there are MANY more to straighten)
• My mom is stubborn. And I really hate when she asks for help/advice and because she has NO idea how to do it herself and then completely disregards said advice. Seriously?
• Army Wives Season 6 FINALLY made it on to Netflix streaming and I am back to my addiction. So sad that Pamela moved to California. 
• Also back into Private Practice. I had loved it when it first started, but then I basically dropped all shows that my husband isn't interested in watching, so I haven't seen much since mid-season 2? 
• Preschool Christmas programs are cute, but the cuteness only goes so far. 
• But school ones are MUCH better than half-hearted AWANA ones. I kind of wanted to shoot myself on Wednesday night. I was almost hopeful that Fuss would misbehave enough to get herself forbidden from going. And then I realized I was being dramatic and since 2 of my best friends would be there (Kat and M) to watch THEIR little darlings, how bad could it be? Bad. Really bad. 
• Fuss's teachers LOVED the presents we gave them for Christmas. They are loving getting the Thirty-One products I am giving them! :) I gave them each a Thermal Tote with their respective names on them ("Mrs. ________"), a gift card to Target (had trouble deciding if it should be a restaurant or Target, but went with Target - they can either buy fun stuff for themselves or practical stuff for the class or their families) and a giant chocolate bar (Symphony Toffee bits - seriously, one of the best chocolate bars ever). I also threw in a matching Owl-print nail file to her main teacher - she has a thing for owls (and I got her an owl print thermal tote) and I had extras. 

My posts lately seem to just abruptly come to an end. I really need to work on that. 

Organize me!

I'm on an organizing kick (again) lately. Fuss got a new bed for Christmas from my dad (so Little Man can eventually have her old mattress and box spring on the floor w/ rails) and she is loving it, but there is even more chaos than usual in her room since it arrived (was a Craigslist purchase so it came upon delivery) and I am DETERMINED to get this kid organized. I won't let it get awful again! I WILL have this child organized if it kills me. (And it might.)

Several friends have told me how much they love organizing kids stuff. I'm baffled at that notion. For me, it's like pulling teeth (my own AND hers) to her Fuss to help clean up/pick up her room. Really? How can you be happy in all that insanity? Yes, my house in general is chaotic, but it DRIVES me NUTS. I want it all done and fixed and pretty, gosh darn it!

I bought boxes at the $Tree today for some of her items, but I've still got to figure out WHERE in her room they will be put once the stuff is in them. Yeah, I have that issue, too. I have friends who are good at this, but I'm too embarrassed (why do I always leave the second "r" out of that word?) to have them over, even though they've offered to help. It's just crazy around here.

We're a week away from Christmas. This means an in-flux of toys and clothes and new stuff that I have to find a place for. For both of them. And I have no space.

Averting my eyes

I go back and forth between being devastated about the shootings in CT on Friday, wanting to know more and needing to step back and walk away from it. My daughter is nearly 5. Next year she'll be in Kindergarten. Years ago, I had a "thing" against public schools - saying that I'd never put my child in a public school and assuming that God would somehow allow me the option of that in my future. Since we've had children and begun looking into private education, I've realized that private school is AMAZINGLY expensive and putting even ONE child (let alone 2 or even a possible third) through school is going to be a problem. I'm not saying that something like this couldn't happen at a private school. I think about the (lack of) security at my daughter's school (the school I grew up at and am incredibly familiar with) and I cringe.

Every time I see the list of the victims of this tragedy, I see the first name of my daughter on the list. There was a little girl with her name who was 6 years old. I can't even begin to fathom the hole in her mother's heart.
When I read about the school principal who died lunging for the gunman, I think of my childhood best friend's mother who is a principal at one of our local elementary schools, and I tear up, thinking about the sacrifice made for the children she loved.
I think about my dozens of friends and family who work at schools all across the nation when I think about how those teachers tried to save their students from harm and in the process lost their lives.

I'm heartbroken at the thought. And I keep having to step away. To turn off the news, walk away from Facebook, the computer and avert my eyes. I know that those who are directly effected by this tragedy don't have that luxury. And I am so sorry.

I think about how we could make our schools safer. Because even if something like this never comes to MY child's school, I want every school in the world to be a safe place for children. But turning their schools into fortresses with bullet proof glass and armed guards doesn't seem either practical or logical.

And then I know I have to stop. I have to step back again. I have to push it away. It's too depressing and I'm already dealing with a bunch of crap in my own life right now. I can't take on anyone else's pain. And as much as I'd like to relieve the grief of even one of those mother's CT for even a moment, I know that it doesn't work that way.

Turning Corners

It used to be that my first item to do when I sat down at my computer was to open up my blogs - and by "my" I mean, those of my "friends" in the computer - those I have faithfully read for years and often gone back to the very first post that they posted (which in some cases goes back a LONG way and took me weeks of reading to get through). And then, inspired by their words, I would pull up my own blog and attempt to record my thoughts and feelings and goings on. Blogging was my THING.

Even when I began to slack off on my own writing (remember when I used to blog 4-5 days per week? yeah, me too), I still read many of my favorites every day. I let a few of them go as they either slacked off themselves, got way to preachy, ticked me off or just started talking about things that no longer interested me, but there are a few I continue to keep up with. But lately, I find myself going back to those favorites only once or twice a week and reading a few posts at a time instead. FB and my email are my usual haunts nowadays. Part of me knows I'm going to regret having no written chronicle of my life at this point, and part of me can't be bothered to try.

This morning I filled out an application for a full-time, out-of-the-home job. I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared. I have no idea if they will even consider me. I have no idea if they do in fact consider me and call me in for an interview if I could impress them enough to actually get hired. I have a very tentative plan for child care involving my MIL who has been out of work for nearly 18 months.

Honestly, I'm mostly scared that Little Man will stop liking me so much. I mean, I am the one who meets his needs now. I give him snacks and cuddles and toy cars and get his juice when he has drained his cup. But when I'm not the one he sees every day - the one he runs to for every boo boo - will he still like me?

Ridiculous, right? Every little boy likes/loves his mother. And I'm hardly the first mom who has returned to work when her child is 2.

But I finally get it. The mommy guilt. (and I haven't even actually secured the job yet!) I used to listen to my overly-dramatic friend K go on about how she felt so horrible about leaving her precious (obnoxious) children in the hands of others and I'd inwardly roll my eyes. Seriously? It's a few hours! For a job you like! And you so desperately need the money that your husband might consider leaving you if you drag your feet any further! But I'm starting to see.

But you know what? I think this might be the best thing for my family. We need the money. Of course, that is part of it. But on the other hand, I think that some time away from my progeny might be best for both me and them as well. For mental health and the future of our relationship.

Of course, I only really just realized that this means giving up on my Bible Study and probably MOPS, too. Hmmm. This could be a big corner in my life that I need to turn.

A Strain

So yesterday, I had a bit of a scare. Looked back at the calendar to figure out when to expect my period and realized that it had been 6 weeks and a few days since my last period. My BC pills are only 80% effective when used correctly (and to be honest, I haven't been using them correctly because of some outside factors) so I was a little freaked. Told my husband, he told me to get a test. Was very sweet and calm about it. Took Fuss to school, went to breakfast with my Gram (our Monday tradition)Took a test, it came up negative and we all breathed a sigh of relief. (and had a moment of disappointment)

No biggie. It happens. Annovulatory cycle or something? Who knows. I was feeling okay about it, since my husband had reacted so well. I knew it wasn't ideal, obviously. The timing was bad. We'd already discussed that and despite the fact that I'm emotionally in the place of wanting  another baby and wanting it NOW, I know that it's not the right time right now. But I felt like if it had happened, it wouldn't have been the end of the world.

And then, in talking about it last night, my husband makes the comment, "it would have put a strain on our relationship." And inside I just froze. Seriously? Makes it sound a heck of a lot more serious than I thought. And makes me feel like he would have blamed me for getting pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, I screwed up. I know this. But it's not like I did it on purpose. I don't actually WANT to be pregnant right now. I don't want to deliver a baby in July in Florida. I don't want to get into a pregnancy when we have no money in savings and Christmas is weeks away. Trust me, I don't think I'd be 100% thrilled with the timing, either. But I certainly don't think it would "cause a strain in our relationship."

Come to think of it, most of my friends who have 3 kids - the third was a surprise, an oops, an unplanned-miracle.

To be honest, I'm feeling like that statement he made is putting more of strain on our relationship than having a baby would. The more I think about it, the more I'm pissed that he said that.

The things that bring me down

I'm feeling "that way" again. The "everything is so much bother" feeling. The "can't I just lay around the house and do nothing?" feeling. The "do I have to go visit with people?" feeling. I know that's not me. Yesterday I made (legitimate) excuses for not going to meet one of my friends for a Girls Night Out. Today I am seeking excuses for not going to see one of my husband's out of town relatives that we haven't seen in awhile. I like her, I'd really like to see her and meet her kids, but it's just so freaking much effort and inconvenient.

I'm not sleeping well at night. And then I want a nap during the day and I have trouble getting up from that, so then I'm not tired at bedtime and it's a vicious cycle.

Little Man had a bad breathing episode last week. Googling it later, I realized that if his O2 sats had been even one point lower, we may have ended up in the hospital. We've got lots of meds now and he's doing SO much better, but I am freaked about a bit. I think he's allergic to the dog and/or the bugs bites that are associated with the dog and the bugs he attracts. That we just can't seem to get under control. We have decided that we are going to have to get rid of the dog. After I get him professionally groomed next week, I'm going to put him up on Craigslist as a "free to a good home" dog. He's older (nearly 13) and he's good with kids and would make an excellent companion to an older person (he doesn't jump, is the perfect sized "lap dog", loves to be petted, etc.)

I'd really like to stop typing this and go take a nap.

More info than you ever wanted to know about my TV habits...

My friend April got to go to the Blathering over the weekend. I wanted to pack myself in her suitcase and go with her, because I have been wanting to meet some of these ladies for a VERY long time AND The Blathering was being held in New Orleans, which is possibly my favorite city to visit of all time (oh the food!!!), but alas, I couldn't go.

However, in prep for The Blathering, April wrote (and videoed) several question/answer/informational type things and I started to have a whole conversation in her comments about one thing in particular... which I decided was more suitable to my own blog than hers, so here we are, talking about TV.

I didn't watch a lot of TV as a small child, but what I watched, I remember... Sesame Street, Mr Rodgers, of course. My parents watched a LOT of M.A.S.H. reruns so I've seen pretty much every episode of that series (but could never get through the movie... I love Elliot Gould, but to me, Hawkeye will always be Alan Alda) I wasn't ALLOWED to watch Friends as a teen, and my freshman year of college, we didn't have regular TV (no cable in my dorm and we couldn't get a signal for the antennae, so one of my housemate's aunt would send us VHSes of Dawson's Creek, Friends and something else periodically, but she wasn't GREAT at catching every episode, so...) Once we got cable (circa 1986?) I was a Disney Channel junkie - now defunct shows such as Welcome to Pooh Corner, Belle and Sebastian, You and Me Kid, Today's Special and reruns of the original Mickey Mouse Club... My teen years brought in Saved by the Bell and California Dreams and TGIF (Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step, Perfect Strangers, etc.). I would sneak a peek at Beverly Hills, 90210 and Melrose Place (forbidden by my mom, but she let me buy the magazines so I learned plenty about them through magazines and my friends) and eventually Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And my sister and I had a regular date of pizza and Home Improvement.

College, though, really hooked me on TV. The WB shows (Buffy, Felicity, Angel, and of course, Gilmore Girls - possibly the BEST SHOW EVER) and then a bunch of more traditionally promoted shows, such as Grey's Anatomy (which I still watch, but only on Netflix - no commercials, no waiting week to week).

Nowadays, a lot of our recent favorites have moved on/been cancelled, so we're down to NCIS (the original, my husband is not into the LA spin off) and we are addicted to the non-traditional season shows on USA network (Burn Notice, White Collar and Suits being our favorites). And we watch a lot of shows on Netflix - I'm currently catching up on Private Practice (something I haven't watched more than occasionally since the 2nd season or at ALL since since the 3rd), having just finished last season's Glee and Grey's. We recently discovered Flashpoint, Sons of Anarchy, and Sherlock on Netflix, too. In phases we watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother (which was apparently a REALLY long story... really ready for him to get to the point) and Big Bang Theory and every once in awhile, my husband throws in a rerun of Scrubs just for something different.)

So, as you can see, we watch a lot of TV. We used to have a DVR (I REALLY miss our cable box DVR - where we could set it up to record an entire season, which gave us the freedom to go on with our lives during the week and then park in front of the TV on the weekends) but now if we miss it, we miss it. Or we watch it on the internet.

Random updates of late

It's been 3 weeks since I wrote here. Wow. Seems like a long time since I was good about doing 5 posts a week.

1. We've been busy, busy lately. I thought that putting Fuss in PreK this year would be helpful and create some more free time. It has been helpful (for her), but it certainly hasn't created more free time. If anything, it has taken up more time than expected. 
2. The school Harvest Festival is this Saturday. The game my husband and I were supposed to make isn't done yet. Oops. 
3. Work hasn't been terribly full of bookings, but at the same time, I feel like it's taking a lot of time. I still love it, but some times I spend an afternoon promoting my business and then I'm like - "hey, where'd my time go?" I need to get off my butt and make some phone calls, but I HATE calling people "cold."
4. We did Teacher Appreciation last week. Fuss's teachers LOVED their gifts and cards, but I think the homemade cookies we made them were the biggest hit. And since I was running behind last week and know that no one had the week after me, I actually brought them the cookies Monday morning. Big Hit. Want your teachers to love you? Bring them a fresh-baked treat first thing on a Monday. :) 
5. I miss my nail technician. She was great, her Shellac nails would last me up to 3 weeks and since she did nails in her home, I could bring the kids if I couldn't find a sitter and they could watch Disney in her living room while I got my manicure. She retired in August and I haven't been able to find anyone comparable yet.
6. I'm feeling the familiar pull of depression some days. The "I don't want to bother," and "do I really have to talk to people?" feeling where I would rather stay in bed/watch TV/read than do anything else, including talk on the phone to my best friend or go have lunch with some girlfriends. This is not like me at all, so I know there is something amiss. Some days are fine. Some days are not. 
7. Sleep is not coming easy around here lately. This is not helping the situation above. 
8. The first few days of Halloween candy were not good for my diet. It also didn't help that I was PMSing. I've been mostly good since. 
9. I still love my Coca Cola. There have been times when I didn't crave it, but more often than not, I'm very happy to have that pick me up. So I have one periodically. I find, though, that if  I make myself a big glass of ice water w/ lemon first thing in the morning, I don't crave the Coke nearly as much and I tend to then drink more water during that day. 
10. I'm re-reading Fifty Shades. My husband is thrilled with the upswing in my libido. 

Whistles Blows Again

I've got warring factions going on in my head. My husband was at his second job most of yesterday. I feel like I barely saw him.
This morning he woke early to go over to his mom's house to help repair her roof. He thought it would be a fairly short project (though "repairing a roof" really doesn't sound like a short project, does it?) and even thought he'd be home in time to go to church with us at 9. (I expected otherwise, but for some reason was still surprised when my MIL called and said he wasn't going to make it and then I got stressed because I thought we were going to be late now that I didn't have any help w/ the kids.) We've been to church and come home and there is no sign of him.

It ended up being a good thing, because the message in Sunday School really spoke to me and convicted me that I need to change some things in my life. But then I return home to not-working internet (again) and not working AC (again) and I'm stressed and grumpy and I have a headache (again) and all I want to do is spend money we don't have because that is what I want to do when I'm stressed and grumpy.

Yes, I know we are going to have 36 hours of uninterrupted "Us Time" next weekend (we are going away for a day and a night to the Food & Wine Festival), but that does little to help me TODAY.  And I am burned out on my own and I want to recharge with my husband. And the week that stretches before us until we get to go to Orlando seems incredibly long.

Anxious

I am having oral surgery - really just a ton of dental work done tomorrow. I insisted on going to a dentist that promotes sedation dentistry because I HATE THE DENTIST. I typically have low blood pressure (on the safe side of low, but low) and they kept asking me when I was there for my consult if I was on any medication for my high blood pressure. Um, no, I'll be fine when I leave your office. Seriously.

They gave me medicine to take tonight to help me sleep and more to take in the morning. I wish they'd given me more, since I have woken up the last 2 nights and been unable to sleep because I'm worrying about the stupid dental visit. If I wasn't in such bad shape, I would SO not be doing this.

I feel like I'm freaking out. And I'm more stressed now since they informed me yesterday that I won't be OUT out, just drugged and calm and the drugs they are giving me will give me amnesia of a sort. Honestly, they'd make me happier if they knocked me out and I woke up and it was done.

I hate the drilling - both the sound and the feeling of the vibrations. I hate sitting there for hours with my mouth open. I hate the pain and discomfort of the during, the after, even the Novocaine needle. I hate the smell. I hate that my jaw seems too small for the crap (including their hands) that they have to fit in my mouth to get the work done.

 Freaking out. Tense.
And this morning, I woke up with a stuffed up nostril and the Little Man woke up with what appears to be hives. Good times.

Still freaking out.

Workin' For a Living

I've been thinking a lot lately about going back to work - as in actually having a 9 to 5-type job. I'm not even really envisioning a "dream career", just one that will allow me time with adults and pay me more than the childcare would cost. I actually figured it out today that if we get pregnant next year (as we're planning at this time), Little Man will be in school full-time by the time Baby J (both of our chosen names - both male and female - have a middle initial J, so prospective baby is "Baby J" for this discussion) is 2 and I think I could handle putting him/her in daycare at that point. I love being home with my kiddos and I feel like that first bit of time is so important, but I feel like even Little Man is at that age now where he doesn't "need" me like he did when he was younger.

But what can I do? I have lots of friends in the insurance business that like their jobs, even if they never saw themselves doing that forever originally. How do you get to that point? My experience is basically secretarial/office manager kind of stuff - where can I get a job that isn't just answering phones and typing dictation (because OMG, I NEVER want to type dictation again) but doesn't take a college degree in the field?

I actually love the work I do for Thirty-One, but unless something changes drastically (and I'm trying, believe me), it's not enough time to keep me sane. (I need recruits and more bookings and suddenly I can't seem to get bookings to save my life...) I need more money, and I need more time outside of the house.

Random quote

I'm reading this book - What Alice Forgot - and I just came across this quote that was just so... poignant that I had to type it out and keep it.

"...but the rule of life was that the boys got to decide which girls were pretty; it didn't really matter how ugly they were themselves."

Style Me

I recently had a wedding to go to and the afternoon of said evening wedding, I starting running around like a chicken going "what am I going to wear? Argh!" Unlike the last wedding I attended (a double wedding for 2 of my step-brothers and their beloveds) I hadn't spent a lot of time focusing on my wardrobe because I didn't have the huge constraints I had last time (being 6 weeks postpartum and needing to find a dress I could nurse in without having to strip in the bathroom every 2-3 hours), so I hadn't had much thought in it. That and September really seemed to sneak away from me quickly "No, Wally's wedding isn't until the end of the month, the 28th, I think - what do you mean it's the 28th already? That's crazy."

So I went to my Luckies and asked (because between them, someone always has an answer) and someone suggested I throw on a pair of "F-me pumps and a LBD and (I'd) be golden!" And then it hit me. I don't have any F-me pumps. (I haven't worn heels since I broke my foot last March and even then I hadn't worn many since before Fuss was born.) And my Little Black Dress... well, the closest thing I've got to that is the dress I wore to my step-brothers' wedding and it really isn't that great...

Ultimately, I ransacked my mom's closet and wore an outfit that might have made me look older than I actually was (it was my mom's closet after all...) but the good news was that we were either significantly older (10 years or so?) or significantly younger (15+ years or so?) to anyone else in attendance, so age didn't really matter that much. I coupled it with my go-to black flats and a mostly-black skirt purse from Thirty-One and I looked pretty put together, I think.

But I seriously need help. I wear a rotation of jeans/denim skirt/black capris/denim capris almost every day. That's pretty much all I have that fits (and sometimes that's debatable. My black capris were my fat pants and - hallelujah - they tend to fall off me now... not so much that they puddle around my ankles, but enough that every time I stand up from sitting I have to hike them back up to my hips or risk showing off my undies).

I have a handful or go-to tops - not as casual or sloppy as a t-shirt, but nothing fancy, either. A grey one, a green one, a brown one, a couple blue ones, a couple purple ones, and a whole lotta black ones.

I was at Target this morning and I saw these

 on sale and I was so motivated to get them. I mean, sexy right? Totally not my usual style - I never wear red, rarely wear "cranberry" (except on my fingernails - that's my go-to color for nail polish). But my girl friend (via text message) and my 4-year-old talked me into them.

So now, what do I wear with them? Jeans? Black pants? Do I have to match them? Black top? Cranberry top? Can I wear them with anything?

Random judgement

When did I get so judgmental? I find myself looking at people I don't really know and making assumptions and whatnot all the time lately...

Like the PreK teacher at my daughter's school - not HER teacher, but one from another class. I see how thin and young she is and how she always looks so pulled together and dresses trendy and I think "really? you're a teacher of 4-year-olds. A scarf? In Florida? With this as your job? You must not have kids of your own..." but I know that my sister-in-law who teaches at the school loves this lady, thinks she's a great teacher and wanted Fuss in her class originally. To be honest, I'm incredibly glad that she is in the class she is in, but why am I having these thoughts?

Music Building

Fuss is going to school on a campus where I spent 13 years of my life. There are a lot of memories tied up in that school - friendships, mentors, heartaches, victories. And every day when I drive on to the property and park my car, I park in the parking lot nearest the music building. Some days I barely notice it. But on days like today, my longing to go inside and say hello to my old choir director are fierce and intensely strong.

But she isn't there.

Mrs. Wells is the crazy lady in the middle. This was taken at the end of my Sr year, 1998. (And I have no idea what my friend Matty is smoking - he didn't smoke, so this is truly an oddity.)

I spent 7 of those 13 years being taught by her. (more if you count the years early in my life where she taught me piano lessons privately.) And SHE built that building. Maybe not with her own two hands or anything, but it was her passion and drive that got it done. It was her excitement that her there every day, checking it out, tweaking the plans and details to make it a great building for all the little musicians who would make a joyful noise within it's walls for years to come. I was part of the first choir to sing a song in that building - there were no doors that night, no carpet, no paint. We stood on a huge pile of drywall to do our performance. I remember it SO clearly.

There may be another family's name on the plaque outside, (the school has a long history of naming buildings after people who long-ago had something to do with the development of the school) but to me, and to many other students that sang with me - it will always be the V. Wells Music Building.

She left 15 years ago. The crappy administration at the time pushed her out and it broke her heart to leave. She taught at other schools for several more years before she succumbed to liver cancer at way too young of an age. My friends and I cried our way through singing at her funeral 4 years ago. (approximately 10 years or more after we all graduated) (this pic was taken in high school, but most of these girls were in attendance at her funeral and we all sang for her.)


I miss her dearly. Many of my happiest and most memorable hours were in her class. Some of my most stressful, too, if we're being honest. We put on performance after performance, we put on musicals and competitions. And my high school life would have been incredibly, painfully, bland if it weren't for Concert Choir, Singers, and most of all, Mrs Wells.

I know she is in heaven, probably singing in the angel choir. I know her children miss her every day. I can't speak for the thousands of students whose lives she touched, but I can speak for myself. I miss her fiercely. I only wish I could walk back into that building and sit on her couch and chat with her like I used to.

Unsatisfied

We have become such a society of excess, of "more" and of "me too". The Little Man just had a birthday and I was trying to come up with a good gift for him. I stumbled across some trucks - all sorts - in the grocery store one day and since they were bigger than matchbox cars (which he loves, but his little hands seem to do better with bigger) and seemed really sturdy like the older ones he plays with at my Gram's house (which he loves) AND had openable doors (another feature of one or 2 of the one's at Gigi's house - he loves that, too) and it was cheap ($4?) I snatched up one for him. He LOVES it. Doesn't want to put it down. Wants to carry it everywhere, wants to sleep with it, roll it over every surface, etc. A week after he'd received it, it was still his favorite play thing, having replaced the much more annoying and "dangerous" (to the rest of us) plastic bat my dad had given him. I remember thinking the other day, "well, that turned out good. I should go get more!"

And then I stopped myself. Why does he need more? He has plenty of cars in general and he likes most of them. Some are more special than others, and with the exception of this red truck, he even lets his sister play with them without much incident since there are so many of them. But does he need more of them? Of course not.

The thing is, I know I'm not the only one. And I don't just tend toward this excess in the realm of possessions, either. Do you know how frustrated I get driving in the car when I can't do multiple things at once? I drive along thinking about all the things I need to do - things I need to look up online, people I need to contact, promotions for my Thirty-One business I want to run, people I need to call, projects I need to pursue... and I get so frustrated that I can't do them while "wasting my time" driving. I think if the public transportation didn't stink so much around here (and I didn't have to haul around 2 little kids) I might take advantage of it, just so I could text/research/write while commuting to wherever it was that I needed to go.

But isn't it sometimes nice to take a break? Shouldn't it be more relaxing to step away from my computer screen and put my phone down? And yet I am stressed by it and constantly thinking of it as "wasted time." I find that weird, when I sit down to think about it.

Even this blog post began in my head while in the car. I had to grab my notebook out of my bag and try to jot down a handful of notes at stoplights. I wish I knew a trick for settling my mind down a little better. I try not to text while actually driving - I try to wait until stoplights or whatever. But I feel this urgency when I get a text or a thought that needs to be texted. I feel like it's rude to not answer right away. Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I crazy?

Two

My Little Man turned two on Sunday. I'm having trouble believing that. He doesn't talk nearly as much as his sister did at this age, but he is growing exponentially of late - both in communication development and size and strength. I am amazed.

He got cars, balls, clothes and a bean bag chair for his birthday from the family. All sorts of Hot Wheels and the like are very popular, balls are always a favorite (he got a foam football and a set of small beanbag sports balls, several Spiderman balls, a tee for learning teeball, etc.) and his favorite characters (in no particular order) are Spiderman, Mickey Mouse, and Clifford the Big Red Dog. And any Rays baseball player (but Auntie Amy wants to marry Evan Longoria).

He's a very happy boy - would be even happier if his sister hadn't given him a cold (that developed into yet another ear infection) for his birthday.

Rough and tumble -

I'm having a rough time - I can't seem to get back to my exercise with Fuss's school schedule, I'm eating terrible again, I've been hormonal or something this week (the middle of my cycle) and all morning I have felt like I needed to cry, but I don't have any idea WHY I need to cry. I'm so freaking tired, but other than a late night and oversleeping this morning (which ended up netting me about 7 hours of sleep) I haven't been sleeping bad of late. I really hope this isn't the side effects from going off of the happy pills - I do not want to be on them forever and since the weight does seem to be coming off me easier now that I am off the pills, I REALLY don't want to go back on them and get fat again.

I've lost 11 pounds. My go for the end of the summer was something like 40 or 50, so I'm obviously FAR away from meeting that, but maybe, hopefully, I can keep it going and lose my goal by the end of the year. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be a size 4 again (that was iffy even at my skinniest point), but being far away from shopping in the Big Girl stores would be really nice.

I feel like I keep failing. We had been doing so well at keeping our kitchen spotless - a feat since we have WAY too much stuff in our kitchen and not anywhere near enough places to put it all. But it has returned to near-disaster status and my living room looks like a mess-monster threw up. I haven't written more than a paragraph in weeks, my desk is messy AGAIN and I seem to be back to that place where I want to sleep all the time again.

And the Terrible Twos have come upon my son - he'll be 2, officially, on Sunday. He is moody and irritable and challenging and stubborn and then he contrasts that with being sweet, helpful, cuddly and funny as all get out, all while still only about about 2 dozen words (and only half of those are in regular rotation).

Thirty-Two

So.
Thirty-two.
For my 12th birthday, my parents and I spent the day shopping for hurricane supplies in prep for what looked to be a bad storm (would have been Hurricane Andrew, I think - missed us, but caused all sorts of devastation elsewhere) coming up. Not exactly my idea of a great time.

For my 22nd birthday, my boyfriend (now-husband)'s grandmother had just passed away and he wasn't really feeling the celebration. I had been hoping he would propose, but knew that was now a no-go. We kept it low-key.

For my 32nd birthday, I took my son to the Dr.'s office to be diagnosed with pink eye while my husband was distracted and stressed over a potential work evacuation this weekend due to - yes, another hurricane. (This one shouldn't be as much of a problem as Andrew, at what looks to be a Category 1, but still might require relocation if we get a close or direct hit. TBD at this afternoon's meeting.)

I think it's safe to say that my years-that-end-in "2" are not exactly the best years for birthdays.

Our big celebration actually comes this weekend. On Saturday, my mom and I are going to have ourselves some grown-up girl fun and spend the morning/early afternoon at Ulta (I'm getting a haircut and hopefully a makeover) and we'll do lunch. Then tomorrow night we're going out with some friends - to the shooting range and then to dinner at a place that looks fantastic (we haven't been, but if the menu is any indication, I'm psyched!)

Granny Panties

There is nothing like needing to borrow a pair of undies from your grandmother to make you feel

• completely un-sexy
• embarassed
• grouchy
• very silly indeed

Trust me on this one.

Since my 2nd pregnancy (and the massive weight-gain that followed) I've worn what I jokingly referred to as "granny panties". High-cut briefs, mostly. They are more comfortable and fit my larger-than-I'd-like rear, so my dear husband just has to deal. I have mostly black, so he doesn't complain (much) though he still suggests the thongs, g-strings, and sexy-looking boy shorts from Fredericks occasionally. I put on the boy-shorts at least once a week. The others come much less frequently.

But now I know what REAL granny panties look like on me - and it is NOT pleasant. My husband had better not complain about my cotton, under the belly-button style in the near future. I think I could have used these things as a blanket for my new "niece". (really, my best friend's baby, but we've been friends for so long, we're basically family.) Except of course, they were white and cheap polyester. Hope I never have to go through that again.

But thanks, Gram, for the assist. I really do appreciate it.

Dream Job?

My husband and I got into a discussion recently regarding the scenario of "if you were to be given a million dollars with the instructions 'go start a business' - what would you do?" This comes from the recent sale of my family business (my dad's business) and his retirement this past month (he's really only been "done" for less than a week) and my statement that I wouldn't have minded taking over his business one day, except that Dry Cleaning did not hold my interest in the slightest. For my dad, it wasn't about Dry Cleaning, it was about business. He wanted his own business, and this one fell in his lap 26 years ago. So he ran with it.

My first reaction was "start a business? Um, maybe photography? Like portraits and weddings and stuff?" but honestly, that's not where my passion is. I love books - reading them, writing them, discussing them. But you can't really make it as an independent bookstore in this day and age and I don't see "becoming an author" as the same thing as "starting a business." I did add the caveat that if I was given a million dollars and told to go make a living, I would hire a nanny/housekeeper for my children/home and write full-time. I'd spend a lot of time not-at-home with a nice laptop writing and writing and writing. I'd start some writing groups or something because I also need that social interaction (or maybe I'd just continue to sell Thirty-one? I mean, I really do like that part and it certainly allows me to have that adult-social thing, plus - PRETTY BAGS! Shopping! Happy people!) but I want to write. Even if it's crap. (because sometimes, you get stuck and so you write crap. I imagine that even happens to seasoned authors.)

But this brings up a great discussion: What would YOU do if someone handed you a million dollars and told you to start a business/make a living?

Ranting/Venting No one wants to hear this

Man, I really hate myself right now. I want to look nice in clothes, but nothing fits right, nothing makes me look like something other than what I am - a fat cow. The fat just rolls over my waistband. I look awful. Tub of lard. I want my hair to look nice, but in the heat and humidity, my bangs curl up within about 5 minutes of walking out the door and I'm sweating a bucket, so I look good for all of 30 seconds. And even that "good" is a far cry from what I would prefer. I have no skill with the make up brush. Or maybe I do, but my make up isn't a magician and since what I want is to look better than I do, at my current "best" it simply comes across as no skill.

I'm fat, unhappy, and PMSing. I'm stressed. My house is a disaster, my schedule is one long list of things I need to get done, but don't want to do, things are just not that good right now.

Declutter, Day 2

Today we attacked Fuss's room. This is particularly difficult because I'm trying to make her a part of it in order to teach her some better habits than I grew up with (my mom will be the first to tell you that she is not a good housekeeper!) and she wants to keep it all. I understand this, because I'm very sentimental and also I like things around me. BUT she has SO much which was never my plan when we started having kids. I always planned to keep her toys and things to a minimum - enough so that she had plenty of things to play with, but few enough so she could really appreciate the things she had. We fought over every single "friend" (stuffed animals and dolls) and at one point, she cried when I told her she'd reached the maximum and she was going to need to say good-bye to Nemo.

We're not done. We have plenty more to do in her room. Her clothes need to be gone through desperately, especially since she'll be starting Pre-K in the fall. She's grown so tall this year that she physically still fits in a lot of her stuff, but it's much too short for her to be truly modest. Skorts, shorts and jeans all need to be weeded out and we need to take stock of what we need to get for school.

Happy Decluttering Month! Day 1

In the House of Fuss, I have declared that this is Decluttering Month. We have too much stuff. We have too much junk. We have too much CLUTTER! So I have declared war on the clutter and we are cleaning up and clearing OUT!

July 1st: I attacked the linen closet. I should have taken a before picture, but rest assured, the "After" is so much better! I wanted to use all my Thirty-One products to make it prettier, but honestly, the ones I need in that tiny space I don't have enough to show to my clients and also use, so they are on my personal wish list.

My husband worked on clearing out my (former) "Reading Nook" which had become wasted space/a 4x4 corner of our room that was just a catch all and was completely useless. We've purchased an exercise bike and set that up in that space and while we do need to rearrange things out there, so far, so good. I LOVE my bike - I'm so excited to get started!

Random Thoughts in my Head

This is how my brain works:

• Last night we were watching Suits on USA (we often refer to it as "Harvey Specter") and there was this bit of drama between Mike and Rachel - he broke things off last week before things really got started even though they are perfect for her because Harvey told him to because he wanted to tell their secret about him not going to law school, etc. (wow, run on sentence anyone?) But this week, he was saying really sweet things to her, etc. so she's all "what's with that? why can't we be together?" - and I start philosophizing about the concept of sex in a relationship without love and trust. I might be able to deal with sex in a committed relationship without marriage (even though I still believe that is the best choice!) but how can you sleep with someone without love and trust? And then, if it's the beginning of the relationship - WHY do you have to spread out all your secrets from the get-go? Shouldn't dating/starting out be about finding out things about each other and getting to know one another? Why do people think they need to go from 0-60 in 2 days? I obviously need a life if I'm spending this much effort on the relationship of 2 fictional characters on a TV show.
• I have a few hours to myself this afternoon with which to run errands. I'm practically singing the hallelujah chorus! 
• It's been a rough week. My husband has been working extra hours, I've been sick, the weather was bad at the beginning of the week so we couldn't get out much... etc. I'm grumpy and I need to get past it. 
• I'm down another couple of pounds, but I have got to get back to exercise. There is no way I'm going to lose as much as I need to in the time frame I had planned if I don't add in more activity.
• I was really hoping my "fat pants" would be falling off my hips when I put them on this morning, not so much! 
• I closed my biggest party to date yesterday and have another small one closing today. I have parties booked for the next couple of months and I'm psyched!

Seven Years - no itching.

I need to write. I need to sit down and focus on finishing (or at least developing) the story I was working on so tirelessly for awhile there. Why am I so stuck? I even kind of know what I want for the ending, but I have no idea how to get there!

Fuss is in VBS for the 2nd week in a row - and even better? My SIL is picking her up and dropping her off every day, so I don't even have to do that part! I did take her this morning, for her first day, but I think that's it for the week. I'm a little bummed that I'm going to miss her performance at the end of the week, because I scheduled a Thirty-One party for that night long before I knew this was happening this week. But still, I know she's having fun and it's AMAZING how much easier it is to function efficiently when you only have ONE kid to tow around instead of TWO!

Today is our anniversary - seven years of wedded bliss. I couldn't have imagined seven years ago how amazingly happy I am today. My amazing husband, my beautiful children. Marrying my best friend, the love of my life was the best choice I ever made, and the best day of my life! My husband is the most wonderful man in the world and I could not ask for more.

Self-Improvement

My husband is on this self-improvement streak - he's listening to all these podcasts, reading books on marriage, parenting, leadership, business. And I guess it's contagious because I'm doing too. I'm dieting. I'm working out (something I truly hate, but I'm adjusting my attitude), I'm reading the parenting and marriage and budgeting books, I'm listening to podcasts and such on how to improve my business. It's sort of funny, since this is totally not how I saw myself at all. But it's fun to think that I can improve upon myself. It's fun to think that I year from now, I'll be a better person overall.

My one frustration right now is the exercise. And it's not so much the doing it, but I'm getting weird resistance from my husband! He wants me to exercise, he's encouraging on that, but he won't let me sign up for the gym until we "check the budget" even though I've used up my 2 free passes already! And I need the gym and its childcare or I'm not going to do it, you know?

Whirlwind of activity!

Wow. June is turning out to be as busy as May!
On Saturday, we went to Fuss's best friend, Gracie's, 4th Birthday Party. Everyone had a great time. Then we all came home and we all had a nap. Mine was short, though, because I had a Thirty-One party that night and I had to finish packing up for that (since I hadn't quite finished unpacking from our trip yet. Oops!). I had a great time partying with some great ladies and made a new friend!

Fuss started her first VBS of the year (there will be THREE this year!) this morning and had a great time learning and singing and playing with her friends (this one is at Gracie's church and their third little friend is also joining them.) I got some stuff done (errands and a visit with my Gram) and tonight we will be going to cheer on Aunt LP, Auntie Amy, and Uncle Nate at a softball game!

This week is also my MIL's birthday, so this weekend we will be celebrating that on Saturday during the day with the family and then, Saturday night, my wonderful husband and I will be celebrating SEVEN years of wedded bliss on a date night while the kids stay w/ Aunt J (and then Fuss is going to have her first aunt-sleepover and hang out with her Aunt J overnight). Sunday is Father's Day and also the performance of the VBS kids at Gracie's church (we haven't exactly figured out how to schedule all this yet) and a baseball game with my step-dad's side of the family, and dinner with them at my mom's house. And next week is Fuss's SECOND VBS of the summer, with Aunt J!

I also found out that my newly-discovered sister's birthday is this week and I need to make sure to acknowledge that and pester my dad to do so as well. I'm HOPING that some time soon my dad will be going up to his old home town and meeting her face-to-face and I'm really hoping things will work out so the kids and I can go with him and see my aunt and meet said sister. I haven't mentioned it to her yet, though. I don't want anyone to get their hopes too high!

On the diet front, I was very discouraged with my situation when according to the scale at Publix (our local grocery store) I'd actually GAINED 2 pounds this week, but I was encouraged when my mom assured me that the accuracy of that scale is questionable and we bought a scale of our very own that comes recommended. According to that one, I'm a little lower than I was, though of course, you can't really count that since I don't know what I was on that scale at the beginning. Here's hoping. I also used a free pass at the Y this weekend and spent half an hour on the bike. I can totally do the bike thing, but I learned that I really need new athletic shoes! 

Photo post: Post-vacation!

My week really hasn't gone as planned. And now I have lots of chores and still a ton of things to do outside the house, too!

So you get some pictures today instead of a lot of writing. Love these vacation photos.

Weigh Down

I started Weight Watchers this week and I've been doing really well. I love that I can eat what I want on this diet - it's really just a matter of budgeting my points, etc. Of course, my body is trying to doom me from the get go - it never fails that I start a diet and then get my period. And this time, I thought I'd outsmarted it because at the end of our trip, I got my period 2 weeks early! So I was thinking - "oh, good. Now I won't have one at the usual time, I can just go along and I'll be fine." BUT my body is giving me the PMS signs - the daily headaches (including a severe migraine yesterday that had me wondering if I was having a stroke it was so painful) and the mood swings have begun. So it looks like I might just get a bonus period this month. Oh yippee.

Right now, I'm dying for a Coke. But I already had my Coke for the day (I'm allowing myself one a day with my breakfast) and since they are between 5-8 points depending on the size (I had a larger one yesterday because of the headache) I can't really drink an extra one if I'm going to have a sensible dinner, you know?

And I still haven't made it to the Y to sign up so I can get going on some exercise. Monday I swam, but yesterday saw me in bed most of the day (thanks to my MIL who came and watched the kids all afternoon and then started dinner for us) with little activity at all.

I don't mind diet foods, but wow, do I want my sodas! And I know that my addiction to them is likely a large contributing factor to my weight gain. (see also: anti-depressants)So I have to be good. I have to stick with it. I have to. I'm sick of looking like a cow - or a hippopotamus.

Article: Mommy do your best

Recently read this article about motherhood - and how there are things you should STOP doing to be a happy mom and WOW was it right on the money! It's so funny how caught up we can be in the competitiveness of motherhood/parenting and how we judge each other so harshly sometimes! For me, rule number one for parenting is to do your best - whatever that entails, whatever that means for you and your kids.

Mountain Moment

Wish I could provide some pics right now of our beautiful mountain perch! It is lovely and cool (and as my mom and her old friend Deborah are fond of pointing out, even the grocery store parking lot and the dump site have great views!) and so peaceful. We are having lots of fun and the kids are enjoying it and so are Daddy Fuss and I. Had a short visit with our NC cousins (will see them more next week) and are going to a huge local farmers market today and to Cherokee (to "see the Indians" - Fuss) tomorrow. Lots of porch sittin' and quiet abounds. The only thing that would make it more perfect would be a maid so we didn't have to do the dishes, but since God only promises perfection in heaven, I'd say we're doing pretty well.

Positive

Most of the time, my husband is awesome. He's sweet and thoughtful and a wonderful daddy to our kids. He's my best friend. Quite literally (we were best friends long before there were romantic interests involved). He's supportive and encouraging and he takes care of me. He's a good cook, gives great back rubs, and if asked, will watch chick flicks with me without making too much of a fuss. (He draws the line at some of my TV shows, but I get that. I draw the line at some of his.)

But every once in awhile he says something and I feel like I have to justify my entire existence. And I know he doesn't mean it like that, but I get a little defensive. I mean, the grass is always greener, right? But in a time of my life where I often feel inadequate, sometimes those moments and conversations kinda suck.

But on the flip side, he reminds me that I can do better. That I can do more. That I have the potential to be SuperMom when I want to be. And that is encouraging. He believes in me. He believes I'm smart and capable and funny and creative. He believes that I am a good mom, that our kids are lucky to have me, that I'm a good wife.

We made a deal early on in our relationship that if either one of us says something that can be taken in either a good way or a bad way, we meant it the good way. We try to assume the best about each other. And that's what I'm doing about our conversation the other night. I'm looking for the positive.

Packin' it up

Packing, packing, packing! Or rather, folding, folding, folding. I'm doing a lot of laundry and folding and piling of clothes these days for our trip (4 more days!) but since I want to pack in  my Thirty-one bags and I have a show Friday night... I'm delaying the actual PACKING of the bags until Saturday.

But I've got lots of clean clothes. Unfortunately, I'm trying to save most of my favorites for the trip, so I'm wearing some random outfits these days, but ah well. I'm really looking forward to this trip. I need the break. The headaches of late are awful. This is partially hormone induced (my time of month and the PMS time before seems to make my head absolutely miserable), but it's also tiredness and stress, too!

Phlates: sapping the creativity

So awhile back (a month? Maybe 2?) I read this article about how phalates (I have no idea if that's how you spell it) can do weird things to your body, including cause a weird combination of hormones that can make you tired, not allow you to lose weight, etc. And since they put those things in soda cans so as to not have to deal with errosion in the cans, and I drink Coca Cola like nuts... well, you do the math, I know I sure did.

So I started drinking my Coke from plastic bottles of the grade that is safe/doesn't leech phlates into the drink. And a short while later, my mood improved, my creativity jumped, and I was gradually feeling like myself again. I was writing, my business picked up, my sleep improved a bit, life was good! The was a spring in my step!

But you know, it's SO much cheaper to buy those darn cans. So last week, I did.

Now, I realize that it's ridiculous to think that a couple of cans could drastically effect my mood/creativity. But I'm stuck on my story again and haven't written more than 100 words since Thursday. Part of that is because I've been busy (sick husband, Mother's Day, submitting an order for Thirty-One) but mostly, I'm just a little stuck. And I'm not feeling it flow out of me.

Maybe it's just a coincidence. I only had a few cans, it's not like I drank the entire 12-pack in 3 days. But I'm back to my bottles. We'll see what happens.

Damn, this is hard

Damn, this is hard.
My novel keeps taking different directions and sometimes I re-read the last couple paragraphs and I go "how'd I get here?" I'm stuck in a couple of places - I have 2 conflicting ideas. And part of me wants the opinion of someone else, but most of me doesn't want to talk about it until I'm done. Roughly done, naturally, but done nonetheless.

Part of me is SO excited by this though. I have pages and pages of writing. I have an ending in my head (again, roughly or in this case maybe vaguely) and ideas of how to get there, but I keep waffling on some things. It's a romance of a sort, but how steamy is too steamy? How many mistakes can I have the main character make and have her still be loveable to readers? Does it really matter since probably no one will read this?

Meanwhile, I'm busy, busy, busy. Today was the last day of Bible study. Tomorrow is the last day of MOPS. Lots of Thirty-one stuff going on... (still and more) I came home from Bible study to 32 new emails and 16 FB notifications. (At least half of the emails were advertisements. I'm not that popular. But still. That's a lot of emails for me in one morning. I had emptied my inbox before I left for Bible study)

Child-like

Writing, writing, writing. Thirty-one, Thirty-one, Thirty-one. My days and my thoughts have been focused on both my writing (I'm currently at about 32,000 words, things have slowed so that I need to pause occasionally to figure out the direction, but it's still coming and I'm pretty sure I have an ending. Somewhere.) and my Thirty-one business. The spring and summer catalogs have been very popular, which makes sense, since the prints right now are prettier than ever. But between end-of-the-year stuff (my Bible study and MOPS both end this week), Fuss's dance recital coming up, and our pending vacation, my calendar is VERY full. And exciting.

I read a blog post today written by a friend I'd known well as a child, but then only in passing as we grew into teens and adults. We reconnected via Facebook a year or so ago, and I remembered being very surprised that she didn't have kids. She'd gotten married young - I had been invited to the wedding, though I was unable to attend, she'd come from a big family and had always liked kids. But her post today touched on the fact that she and her husband were dealing with unexplained infertility and my heart nearly broke for her.

But she can find the joy in it. She has changed her attitude, believing that God has a plan for her life and is refusing to focus on what she doesn't have and instead is focusing on all the blessings He has bestowed upon her. It was sobering and inspiring. As much as I have been given - a husband who loves me with an extreme passion, two beautiful and amazing children, extended family and friends who are active in my life - sometimes I am distracted by the things I want that I don't have. Which is really very silly. And very, very immature. Sounds like something my four-year-old would do, doesn't it?

It reminded me that we are God's children. And we are just that to Him. Children. Young, weak, inexperienced, immature. And He guides us, protects us, and nurtures us with His perfect love. It's wonderful to be able to lean on that when I'm feeling my most weak and overwhelmed.

Beach-y

I live in an area where the beach is somewhat commonplace. I used to be able to walk to the beach from my sister's house. But I'm not a beach person. I burn easily. I hate the way may feet feel like the water got sucked out of them for DAYS after walking in the sand. I'd rather swim in a pool of clean, chemically sanitized water than the ocean where millions of fish and probably millions of humans have peed. But it's an experience. And I have to admit, it's beautiful. And on a day like yesterday (Saturday) it was a glorious day for the beach.

My mom suggested we take the kids to the beach Saturday morning. She suggested we go "early" which I later made her qualify, since to me, "early" is 7am. Maybe 8. To her it meant leave the house at 9. Which is even funnier, since I was loading up the kids in the van at 8:45, called her and woke her up. I jokingly said, "you know, in MY day, we never would have been allowed to sleep in this late. What is this world coming to?" since my dad is such an early riser and growing up, if you got to sleep until 8, you were very, very lucky. And he'd probably already left for work and didn't know I was still in bed, sleeping my day away.

It was the Little Man's first trip to the beach. His eyes got so big and he exclaimed when we stepped over the rise to see the view of the Gulf. He enjoyed walking on the sand until we parked our things and he sat down and saw that his shoes were covered in it and his feet were "dirty." He is NOT a fan of dirt on his hands and feet.

My mom and I walked him close to the water's edge. He was freaked out my the water running up onto the beach. He did NOT want to get his feet wet. He was NOT influenced by the face that both Grandma and Mommy got theirs wet.

Fuss sat right down with her bucket, shovel, and cups and began building a sandcastle. Because why else would you go to the beach if not to build a sandcastle? She worked on a village - towers, a lake, trees made out of sticks and seaweed. It was pretty darn cute. She was adorable in her blue skirted suit and her sunglasses. We won't talk about the fact that both my 4-year-old daughter and my mom were both wearing pigtails at the beach.

Little Man was up for walking along the shore. He liked the birds looking for a snack at the water's edge. But when I wave came up higher that expected and washed over his feet, he cried, begged to be picked up. When I did, he snuggled close to me, putting his head on my shoulder. We stood there looking out at the Gulf for awhile, just him and me listening to the waves. That was one of those moments I never want to let go of.

He stole his sister's shovel and walked around our little area scooping up patches of sand and tossing it over his shoulder. Sometimes it landed on his hat instead. No matter. He was having fun. When the tide came in far enough to start to fill in the little trough of beach and create a little tidepool like thing, he happily splashed in that.

I had to tear all of them away from the beach when it was time to go. Fuss and Little Man whined and my mom said "already?" more than once. We stopped at a little place nearby and got a quick lunch and some drinks.

It was a fantastic morning.

I went home and tossed both kids in the shower with me. Then I had to rush around to get going to the mani/pedi appointment my mom had made for us. I pinned my hair up and off my face and did what I refer to as "summer beach-y make-up" which is a light coat of mineral powder to even me out, some quick eyeliner on my upper lids and some shiny sheer lipgloss. I didn't have time to even do my bangs, so I pinned them up, too. This was regrettable when later when we were getting ready to go to a casual dinner and run some very quick errands I asked my husband if I should change anything (referring mostly to my clothes) and he said "well, you could add some bangs." He's a fan of my bangs, apparently. Or he's not a fan of me without them, I guess. I did my best, but once they've dried, they are a pain to move around, so I'll have to start over today.

Overall, our beach day was great. I'd even be willing to do it again. And soon. Before it gets so hot that even 8am is too hot to be sitting in the sun.

That

I wrote more than 5000 words yesterday. I just couldn't stop. I'm afraid my housework is suffering, but I have to say, I'm not really THAT concerned at the moment. (I'm sure I will be - I really hate it when it gets out of hand, but I'm so DRIVEN right now. I think I might even have an ending for the darn thing!) Things are moving a little slower today - however, I've been doing a lot more business today in the Thirty-One realm, so it seems like everything is looking up. Honestly, right now, I am so hopeful for the future I almost don't recognize myself.

I even picked up my sketch pad this morning.


I'm dieting. I'm itching to do something more active, so I'm trying to locate an (very inexpensive) stationary bike to accommodate my need for activity and my need for it being low impact, since I'm still limping.

The kids have been particularly cute lately. Also particularly challenging, but cute nonetheless. I really am so blessed.

I'm feeling crafty, too. But I'm on a strict money diet right now (gotta get a handle on things!) so I can't go out and buy the supplies I want. But that's okay. I have so many projects on my plate (not to mention responsibilities) that I don't really need to be buying things right now and getting more involved in things.

I feel good. I feel like I'm back on track, like I'm me again. And I like it.

Multi-tasking

Have you noticed how we always seem to be trying to do 2 or more things at once? And how technology has enabled us to do it, but how it doesn't seem to ever give us a break?

My husband has Smart Phone. This allows him to get his email (both work and personal) 24/7 even when he's not near his computer. The fact that it fits in his pocket means he can also receive phone calls at all times, too. This means that he is often checking (and responding) to his emails, taking phone calls, searching the web, reading articles on the web, or even playing games while he is also driving, sitting watching TV, or even going to the bathroom.

I have my Nook Tablet. It requires a WiFi connection, so I don't have quite the same freedom he does, but I too can play games, read a book, check and respond to emails while doing many of the same things. I also have a cell phone and tend to talk a lot while driving. Even more so before I had kids - I'd get lonely on my long commutes to and from work.

But I guess my thoughts along these times run from bemused to irritated. I mean, 15 years ago, you could listen to your radio or a CD/tape in your car, but that was it. Or you endured silence. My dad has been known to plug in his laptop in the car and trade stocks while driving. Yes, I'm serious. And yes, I'm surprised he hasn't been in an accident yet.

Technology is awesome. I love that I can carry 20+ (or more when I get around to purchasing them) books in my purse on my Nook without really weighing it down very much. (I always carry a book - have since Jr High school. Harry Potter made that difficult, but I still did it. I just got a bigger purse. And a backache.) I love that I can send a quick text message to my husband while I'm at Target to find out if he needs more shaving cream. But sometimes, unplugging is really ideal. Sometimes, I enjoy the silence, the nothingness that comes from turning it all off for a few minutes.

And then I hear the "ding-dong" letting me know I have a text message.

High on life

I had a great time at the party yesterday - I love my job! I love the products, I love people, I love shopping - really, what more could you ask for?

I'm writing again. I'm trying to do a little every day, though I didn't get to it at all yesterday. I figure if I give myself at least SOME time every day to do it, maybe it will keep flowing. Friday, I wrote like a mad woman. Saturday I polished a bit and wrote a little more. Today, I'm stuck on one place, but I'm inspired on an older piece I started ages ago, so I flipped to that one. I'm still missing the file of the novel I was working on before I had kids and I keep thinking about that one, so I may have to start again. Which will be a bummer, because I had a ton of work done on that one, even if it was a little patchy. (You know, I'd write a scene and then get inspired with another one, but couldn't figure exactly how they went together? I had pieces of that story all over the place.) But writing is good. There are times when I get completely lost in it and lose track of time, even with the kids bugging me constantly.

My Gram took us to lunch today and I convinced her to go to our favorite Thai place. She loved it. I sort of knew she would - she likes Chinese food, but I know she prefers crisp, fresh veggies to those that are fried and Thai food seems to fit the bill. So the food was excellent, the kids were well behaved, the restaurant wasn't too crowded, it was kind of perfect. And then our conversation led to her placing an order for my next party (next week), so I kind of felt like the whole afternoon was perfect!

writing again

I'm writing again - furiously, near daily. Just not here. I got inspired by a new story and had some moments of inspiration for 2 of the others I had gotten stuck on shortly after Little Man was born. Unfortunately, right now I can't seem to locate the files of those other two stories. This is very frustrating. But meanwhile, I'm flushing out this new one and I'm having fun with the process. Yesterday I got very little done around the house because the words were just pouring out of me. And then I got stuck for a bit, so I got up and did the dishes for half an hour and then I cleaned my desk. I went back to the writing later in the evening, but didn't have a lot of time. I'm trying to give myself a more dedicated schedule, but with 2 crazy kids, sometimes that's hard!

I have a 31 show this weekend that I'm excited about and I have 2 more booked. I've been doing some trainings from Shari Hudspeth - some MP3s I bought from her sight and I'm very excited to try a new way of doing my presentation. I think it will be great for bookings! I have GOT to get more bookings. I'm excited about the ones I have right now, but I really need to increase my bookings at parties. Anyhow....

My brain is on overdrive right now. I feel like I just took pep pills or something - but only for my brain. I feel like I am thinking 12 things at once at high speed! Ha! Only in the mornings!

7 Quick Takes

1. Do you know how much I hate going to the post office? Let's put it this way, I got charged an extra $25 for a damaged item to be replaced because I didn't get it returned to the company when they sent the replacement to my customer. Oops. Thankfully, the damage is minimal and I didn't have a sample of that item in my stuff, so I'm chalking it up to a learning experience and keeping it as a sample. But now I have to go to the post office to mail a package to another customer. I don't want to, but I must! But it's SUCH a pain with 2 little kids in tow!
2. My son was diagnosed with another ear infection and inflamed airways yesterday. He's on drugs (antibiotic for the infection, albuterol for the breathing) and not sleeping, not eating very well. I am tired. 
3. I'm looking forward to the MOPS Spa/Fondue night we're having tonight, but I am STRESSED about how I'm going to get there on time. And I have to be on time because I HAVE THE CHOCOLATE. But I have no child care for the first hour I'll be there. This is a problem!
4. I'm so excited about my vacation next month, I want to start packing already! Which is ridiculous because not only do I not have enough clothes to pull the ones I want to take out of rotation, but I also need the bags I'm packing IN (all Thirty-one, of course!) for my shows between now and then! 
5. I'm washing my son's blanket for the first time in a month. He's clingy and whiny without it! 
6. I scored some new, brightly colored tanks from Target this week on sale. I'm psyched about that! 
7. I haven't seen either my mom or my Gramma since Easter. This is very weird for me. We typically get together a lot more often, but we've all been either busy or under-the-weather since then. 

Fashion faux pas

So I just read 2 posts by Maggie and Elizabeth that inspired me to work on my wardrobe. And I've been catching up on Kendi today, too. I have a lot of work to do!

I never used to be a jeans-and-a-t-shirt girl. There was a time when I basically didn't own any regular t-shirts. But now, I live in  my jeans (not even really nice ones, though they fit! Most of the time) and a bulky t-shirt or tank top. I feel fat. I am fat. So I'm also trying to hide some of that. I've turned into one of  "those" women. I wear Birkenstocks all the time right now. (Well, Birkenstock. And my broken foot boot.)

Random bits of jibberish

Yesterday, I went to Target with the kids. My husband was off on a much-needed break at the firing range with a buddy. And I HAD to get to the pharmacy before they closed. I had a headache that felt like tympani drums banging behind my eyes. I love Target, I was even doing some fun shopping (bought myself a new outfit that will qualify as vacation clothes) and still, I was miserable. So sad to waste a Target trip when you don't feel well.

We're planning a vacation for May. I am very much looking forward to it. We're going to the mountains and my husband has promised to not do any work while we are away. I'm looking forward to some quiet porch-sitting and some fun away time. Also a visit with my SIL and her children, including new little baby DC.

I hate my body. Now before you get all "oh, I'm sure you look fine" on me, let me assure you that I do not. I am overweight (I haven't been this heavy since I was 8 months pregnant) and out of shape (which is a perpetual state for me, I understand) and I don't feel good in or out of my clothes. I'm a curvy woman - I've got hips and boobs and always have - but there is way more in the stomach region than there should be. And I recently had to buy pants that were way beyond my ideal size. And my ideal size is much larger than a 4. But I've started to lose a little weight in the last 2 weeks thanks to being able to get up and around a bit more now that my foot is nearly healed. I need to put more effort into activity, but I hate exercise and I have to get past that mental block.

Both kids were sick with fevers all weekend. Little Man still is, though Fuss at least seems to have recovered mostly. But the whining is driving me bonkers.

One highlight right now is that I spent Saturday morning at the summer preview for Thirty-one and I'm looking forward to the new styles and prints that are coming out. I'm also looking forward to doing a little shopping myself! :)

Random swelling

Today is the only day we don't have to be anywhere at any specific time. There was a time where I hated being home all day. Then there was a time when I couldn't get up the energy or get past the apathy to bother to get out of the house more than once or twice a week. Now, I'm grateful for the days when we can take it easy, spend the days lazing around and doing chores like laundry or whatnot and replenishing our energy stores for much more active days during the week.

I tried to put a shoe on my injured foot this morning. I can hobble around without the boot in the house and the swelling has come down so much since the injury 4 weeks ago. (Seriously, for the first week, my foot looked like a balloon shaped like a foot. It was SO swollen and bruised is was creepy.) So I thought I'd try to put on my Birkenstocks and hobble out to the front of the house to throw out a garbage bag. Yeah. That didn't work out so well. I couldn't get my toes past the straps in the shoe. At all. I knew there was still some visible swelling, but I guess I didn't realize how much! I will be wearing the boot for a good while longer apparently!

A lot of years ago, I got into reading Danielle Steel books - it started from watching a Lifetime movie based on the book Message From Nam - and I got a hold of a book that was defective. Seriously, in the middle of the book, there was a section missing and a section repeated. It went from page 141 to page 120-something and then from 141 to 160-something. It was very odd. I never finished the book, though I did try and read past that and just figure out what I missed. But it's available for my Nook via the library, so I'm re-reading it now and hopefully will finish it soon. I haven't read a Danielle Steel book in ages, so it's sort of funny that I'm through all these books I can think of to borrow from the library (digitally) and now I'm back to it. It's also funny that one of the characters in it's name was Chloe and I had no idea back then how to pronounce that name so when I read it, I pronounced it phonetically. Kloh. And now, I'm very familiar with that name - my best friend is likely going to name her baby that in a few more months!

Broken

I broke my foot 2 weeks ago and haven't been up to doing much since. I haven't been doing a lot computer-wise, either if I can't access it easily on something other than my Nook.

Honestly, I shouldn't complain. On one hand, of course there is pain and frustration and inability to go about my normal routine. On the other hand, my family (specifically my Gramma and my dad and my husband, but also my mom) and my friend Kat have gone above and beyond in helping me out around the house (my dad has done the dishes and the laundry and changed diapers on numerous occasions over the last 2 weeks) and I've gotten a lot of reading done.

It's a little weird, though. I'm irritated by the people who would I would have thought would be helpful - my best friend - her contribution was to invite me to the mall to do Easter Bunny pics for the kids (not happening - especially while I'm on crutches), and my in-laws. My younger SIL, LP, took Fuss and Little Man to dance 2 days after I broke it and then watched the Little Man at her house last week while my husband and I took Fuss to dance to do her pictures. And my MIL who spent a month out of town helping my pregnant/postpartum SIL, LB, drove me to my husband's game last night and took me to Target today. But they seem to b      e acting like they are all put out by helping me - even though, mostly I'm asking for help with the kids, not for myself. I can't lift the baby on crutches. I can't get stuff off shelves or get up every time one of them needs a drink refill.

I am grateful for the help I've been given. But I'm also tired and irritable (I also got my period this week, which contributes to the attitude right now) and still hurting and frustrated by the fact that I can't get up and do what I want to do, etc.

I'm not looking forward to the physical therapy they prescribed. I was hoping I wouldn't need it at all, but it looks like that's not the case.

Sick of being unwell

I wouldn't say that I am "sick" per se, but I swear I've been unwell more often than not for what seems like forever. Headaches, stomach issues, other body pains. Sure, some of it has got to be just age, getting older, and the fact that I am over weight and don't get nearly enough exercise. But some of it... I think there might be something else I can't put my finger on.

I'm going to have to bite the bullet and find a GP and ask for a referral to a head doctor. I think I need my head examined in that "why is she having so many headaches?" sort of way (not that I couldn't use a good counselor some days, too! ha!)

I feel weird about it, though. I guess I'm assuming that it's nothing, while knowing in the back of my mind that it could be something. But the headaches suck and I'm at the frequency of more-often-than-not so something needs to be done. (And seriously? WHEN did all the Excedrin Migraine get recalled? Because there are days when that is the only thing that keeps me from hiding under the covers in the fetal position moaning softly into my pillow and praying the kids don't light the house on fire while I am in my misery.)

It's a Barbie World

But does my daughter have to be a Barbie girl? At age 4?

Fuss received her first Barbie this year. Technically, her cousin got her one for Christmas, but it was a Barbie-made Princess Ariel use-it-in-the-bath Barbie and I decided to consider it a bath toy and shrug since my SIL (the one who is a mom of same-aged children and should totally know better) gave it to her with the "I don't know if you're doing Barbies yet, but..." But then she got another (and a seriously ugly one, at that!) from my ultra-conservative friend, Jo, for her birthday. Seriously people? Do you not understand that Barbies were originally designed for girls who were learning the concepts of fashion and that a 4 year old, while not likely to put the tiny pieces in her mouth and choke on them can't actually get those tiny pieces on said doll herself? So then Mommy has to do it? And for whatever reason, I just don't feel it's an age-appropriate toy for my pre-schooler! She has plenty of time in her future to be inundated with stereo-typed, yet unrealistic images of what a female should look like.

In addition, she was also given a Moxie-girl giant makeover head to do some make up and hair color stripes. What the heck, people?

I'm not that conservative overall. I played with Barbies and make-up long before I became a preteen. But at age 4? I was still digging in the dirt to find earth worms, chasing lizards, and making mud pies and snuggling with my baby dolls. (And those who know me now are sort of baffled by the fact that I liked dirt, earth worms and lizards in my childhood. Believe me, so am I. But I did.) I was still proudly sporting my Osh Kosh corduroy overalls to preschool and not even paying attention to what I looked like. And there are days when I long for that freedom again and I want my daughter to have as many days of that as she can.

Well you're never gonna get it

Who needs sleep?

I do, I do! The Little Man has another EI and isn't sleeping well. And my darling husband who is usually fairly helpful in these matters hasn't been sleeping well/is dealing with insomnia again and so by the time he DOES get to bed, he needs to stay there. The Little Man has ended the night in our bed for the last 3 days. Something that isn't ideal. He's a calmer sleeper than his sister, thank goodness, but still not exactly fitting inbetween us these days.

This combined with the PMS I'm dealing with makes for a grumpy mom. I had strains of "Angry All the Time" by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill playing in my head this afternoon. I'm not out-of-control angry like I was before happy pills, but I'm frustrated and short and impatient a lot more.

The baby's illness has also upped his stinky output. Enough said.

Book emergency

On Friday, I got a notification that a digital book I'd been on the wait list for was available. I texted my friend, April because as of yet, I hadn't been able to figure out how to actually get the borrowed books onto my Nook and readable. She was a dear and walked me through the procedure (which really wasn't that difficult, but I seemed to have mental block, I guess.) I loaded my book and I was off and reading! A few minutes later, I got another notification of another available book. And another, and another. I have FOUR books from the library loaded on my Nook right now. And I have 7 days to read them! (Thankfully, they are all light reading and I should be able to speed through them with no problem). As a matter of fact, it's Monday morning and I've finished one and I'm more than 75% through the second one. I think I can, I think I can!

And this way, I can keep my vow to not buy any more Nook books until I get paid on the 10th!

Fuss's 4th birthday party was Saturday and it was a success! Pictures to come!

40 bags in 40 days

I got this idea for this from Pinterest links that all ultimately led back to this blog Clover Lane so I'm doing something similar. I won't do it in the same order as her for various reasons, but here we go - Day 1! I am going to make a list of my goals and cross them off as time goes by.

1. Living room
2. Living room
3. Living room
4. Fuss's room
5. Fuss's room
6. Kitchen
7. Pantry
8. Master bed room
9. Master bed room
10. Little Man's room
11. Linen closet
12. Bathroom (back of door)
13. Medicine cabinets
14. Reading nook
15. Desk
16. Desk
17. Movie shelves
18. Book shelves
19. Laundry room
20. Thirty-one stuff (this will actually be mostly reorganization)
21. Cleaning cabinet
22. Big kitchen cabinet
23. Baking cabinet
24. Fuss's closet
25. Little man's closet
26. Master closet
27. Daddy Fuss's drawers
28. My drawers
29. Make up box/drawer
30. TBD
31. TBD