Saturday, December 29, 2012


I can't decide if I'm becoming more introverted or if I'm falling back into the pattern of depression and this is just level one. I can't seem to get motivated anymore. I can't seem to be bothered to get out and do something.

We were invited to a New Year's Eve party at one of my closest friend's houses. We often spend Saturday nights at her house - letting the kids play until 9pm, then putting them both down with her kids and watching a movie or playing a game while drinking wine (often too much wine, but what's a little wine among friends, right? I LOVE hanging out with her. But she mentioned that she was inviting another friend - someone I've only met once but who was perfectly nice and I have no reason to dislike or think negatively about her in any way - and my entire attitude changed. Is it because I feel like my kids might be ignored when her kids are also there? (My friend's family's youngest is one of Fuss's very best friends, but her other friend has a daughter the same age and the last time they were all together, Fuss said to me on the way home, "I feel like she likes the other girl more than me!" and I felt so awful for her.)

And really, the New Year's thing is only one thing in a list of things that I have noticed that have changed in my outlook for life.

But I don't fit the definition of depression. I don't really want to DO anything anymore. I don't want to see most of my friends. I want to hang out with my husband or my friend M or by myself and that's pretty much it. I still get happy. I see my children learning or being so sweet and cute and my heart fills with joy.

But sometimes... it's not so much that I don't have hope for the future, but that I wonder if... there is a change in the future? Is this the goals I've been working for? Does it GET better/different than this? Or have I reached the peak of life? I mean, my life isn't a bad one, I have an amazing family who love me and I love them - but is this IT?

No comments:

Post a Comment