It used to be that my first item to do when I sat down at my computer was to open up my blogs - and by "my" I mean, those of my "friends" in the computer - those I have faithfully read for years and often gone back to the very first post that they posted (which in some cases goes back a LONG way and took me weeks of reading to get through). And then, inspired by their words, I would pull up my own blog and attempt to record my thoughts and feelings and goings on. Blogging was my THING.
Even when I began to slack off on my own writing (remember when I used to blog 4-5 days per week? yeah, me too), I still read many of my favorites every day. I let a few of them go as they either slacked off themselves, got way to preachy, ticked me off or just started talking about things that no longer interested me, but there are a few I continue to keep up with. But lately, I find myself going back to those favorites only once or twice a week and reading a few posts at a time instead. FB and my email are my usual haunts nowadays. Part of me knows I'm going to regret having no written chronicle of my life at this point, and part of me can't be bothered to try.
This morning I filled out an application for a full-time, out-of-the-home job. I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared. I have no idea if they will even consider me. I have no idea if they do in fact consider me and call me in for an interview if I could impress them enough to actually get hired. I have a very tentative plan for child care involving my MIL who has been out of work for nearly 18 months.
Honestly, I'm mostly scared that Little Man will stop liking me so much. I mean, I am the one who meets his needs now. I give him snacks and cuddles and toy cars and get his juice when he has drained his cup. But when I'm not the one he sees every day - the one he runs to for every boo boo - will he still like me?
Ridiculous, right? Every little boy likes/loves his mother. And I'm hardly the first mom who has returned to work when her child is 2.
But I finally get it. The mommy guilt. (and I haven't even actually secured the job yet!) I used to listen to my overly-dramatic friend K go on about how she felt so horrible about leaving her precious (obnoxious) children in the hands of others and I'd inwardly roll my eyes. Seriously? It's a few hours! For a job you like! And you so desperately need the money that your husband might consider leaving you if you drag your feet any further! But I'm starting to see.
But you know what? I think this might be the best thing for my family. We need the money. Of course, that is part of it. But on the other hand, I think that some time away from my progeny might be best for both me and them as well. For mental health and the future of our relationship.
Of course, I only really just realized that this means giving up on my Bible Study and probably MOPS, too. Hmmm. This could be a big corner in my life that I need to turn.