Temper, temper

I'm a redhead, so it's both presumed and reality that I have a temper. Usually, I say that I have a very long fuse but it is attached to a keg of dynamite. As I've grown and matured, I'd like to say that I've gotten pretty good at controlling my temper.

I get irritate by things, of course. You can find me yelling at other drivers when they are inconsiderate or stupid. I have little patience for people who act like morons when they should know better. I'm not the most patient of people. (It's a fault I learned from my dad) But that doesn't get to me really. What makes me mad at myself is when I lose my temper with my daughter.

I guess it's partially that I'm not used to kids. I often don't have the correct concept of what they should know/how they should act/what they should be able to control at what age. I get frustrated when I have to tell her over and over not to do something, or to do something. I get so so frustrated. I always thought that it would be easier. A little consistency, and she would behave, a little instruction and she would follow the rules. But it's every day. It's often every hour. EVERY hour. I have to tell her to come here several times and I feel like I shouldn't by now. She SHOULD obey me, after being taught over and over again that when mommy calls, she is supposed to come. But somehow, it's the same thing over and over. I have to call and call. I have to threaten. Or occasionally bribe.

So then I get mad at myself for yelling at her. Or being less than gentle when I scoop her up to put her in timeout. Or leave her in her crib for too long because she's driving me crazy, even though her timeout should be over by now.

So I'm working on it. I'm trying to discipline without reacting, instead of yelling and reacting. It' s just harder than I thought. So now in addition to being frustrated with her, I'm frustrated with me, too. Hmmmm.

Cooler than me

So I think my baby is cooler than me.

I knew it would happen. Logic says that the further in age you are from being "in the know" or whatever the less "cool" you are. I expected it, really. But I thought I had until she was older - in her teens or preteens.

She was wearing this cute little outfit the other day. This sweet long-sleeved t-shirt and these adorable denim shorts and I looked at her and she is just SO adorable. And looks kinda trendy. And I'm a frump. I'm not looking my best these days. I don't always try with the make up very much anymore, my clothes run from clean but sloppy (tanks and big t-shirts, shorts and jeans) to classic, but a bit boring (a nicer shirt or sweater with same shorts or jeans). My hair is not making me happy these days because I am trying to grow it out to a length that I can ponytail it, at least... I have almost nothing nice and fashionable right now - our budget doesn't allow for a lot of clothing purchases and since my life is much more casual now, I don't put in the effort I once did. Is that how it all begins? How a once-(reasonably)cool mom becomes frumpy, out of touch and by the time the kids are twelve and really starting to care about appearance they have completely lost every shred of ability to come across as "cool."

I just didn't think it would happen so soon.

100 Things (a meme, sue me)

100 Things

Everything you could possibly ever want to know about me… plus 99 more things.

1. I was born in August
2. in Florida
3. and never really left
4. except when I spent a year in GA for school.
5. I married my high school best friend
6. after a short string of boyfriends he put up with
7. as I did the same for his girlfriends.
8. I am smart
9. (but he is smarter)
10. and I love to learn
11. but I'm not great at school.
12. So when I finally graduated from college
13. it was actually a technical design school
14. and I have a degree
15. (that I don't use)
16. in Graphic design.
17. I am a very social person.
18. Which is why I liked my old job
19. and struggle being a stay-at-home mom.
20. My husband is still my best friend
21. but I just call him my husband instead.
22. My best girlfriend isn't related,
23. but I call her my sister anyhow.
24. The girl I call my BFF
25. is technically my 2nd best girlfriend.
26. I love her
27. but she often drives me crazy.
28. We are very different
29. but it works for us, somehow.
30. I'm close with my mom
31. probably because I was an only child
32. and my dad lived with us,
33. but was never around.
34. My parents split up
35. when I was 19
36. and it sucked,
37. even though I was technically an adult.
38. This caused me to not like my mom
39. (for a bit)
40. and develop a much better relationship with my dad
41. who later moved in with a woman named Connie
42. who I love
43. and would like him to marry.
44. But he won't
45. because he doesn't want to go through that again.
46. My mom had a string of awful boyfriends
47. and then finally met Doc
48. who has his PhD in some sort of biology
49. and works in environmental stuff.
50. They got married
51. a year after us
52. on the weekend I had wanted my own anniversary.
53. But I'm not bitter.
54. He gave me 3 step-brothers
55. who aren't around much.
56. But I'm still the oldest
57. and most mature.
58. We have one daughter.
59. So far.
60. My husband wants 3 or 4 kids.
61. I'm thinking about it.
62. I really wanted a girl first.
63. Since I don't know how to handle boys.
64. And I'm so glad I got her.
65. If we ever have a son, his name will be a III in response to his dad
66. and (late) grandfather.
67. We will call him Tre
68. because he's the third.
69. I'm name obsessed
70. which is fun
71. but I'll never have enough kids to satisfy my list of names I love
72. not even if I have 8 like Octomom.
73. We love movies
74. and TV
75. and we constantly talk in movie quotes.
76. This both intrigues and annoys people
77. especially my mother
78. and his.
79. A lot of my post titles are based on that habit.
80. I read voraciously.
81. I can easily read 5-7 books a day
82. if I'm given the time or chance.
83. I recently rediscovered the library
84. because my budget can no longer afford my book habit.
85. I also love food
86. which works out great
87. because my husband loves to cook.
88. We love spicy food
89. and feed it to our daughter, too
90. even though she isn't even 2 (yet).
91. Sometimes she even eats it.
92. I also love God
93. and probably should have put that higher on the list.
94. I borrowed that sentiment from the person I borrowed the meme from (rootsandrings.wordpress.com)
95. But that doesn't mean it isn't true.
96. I was once in a fake sorority called Pi Chi
97. We chose those letters because we had another nickname
98. "The Psycho Chicks in Trailer 6."
99. I'm surprised you have lasted this long.
100. I love comments, if you want to leave some!

I borrowed this from Roots and Rings, so to read hers, click here.

More 7 Quick Takes

1. There was some happy drama at my Thanksgiving celebration this year. My step-dad has 3 sons, all younger than me, but legally adults (26, 24, 22) and we never lived together, grew up together, anything. Daddy Fuss and I have been married longer than my mom and step-dad. But through family get-togethers (read: major holidays) e've met several times and they know Daddy Fuss and Fuss, etc. I would not say they are close, though I wouldn't mind knowing them better. They are nice guys. The oldest, TJ is in the army and is currently deployed overseas. We recently found out that he and his fiancee' have been legally married for almost 2 years. In addition, the youngest - E, who is in the Navy, also got secretly married in Vegas. But we knew about that at least a week in advance.
2. My step-dad's first wife was in attendance, which I was worried would be... awkward? uncomfortable? weird? But it wasn't. She was very nice, personable, even got along well with Fuss and was just "part of the family." My great-aunt even took a picture of the boys, their dad and my mom and their mom all together. It was really cute.
3. I got to spend a little more time talking with my step-brothers (well, 2 of them - TJ is overseas) this time around and I really like them. And the fact that they played with Fuss and she was enthralled by them didn't hurt. I think she might have another crush on E. She would walk over to him, wherever he was sitting, tug on his arm and hold up hers arms. He always obliged. He even played dolls with her for a few minutes.
4. My youngest SIL, LP goes to the Black Friday Madness every year - she starts at whatever store is opening the earliest - this year and last the local outlet mall is opening at midnight - and shops and shops until she has either hit all the stores she wanted and basically completed her entired Christmas list or until she passes out from exhaustion. While there is NO WAY I would be able to go as long as she does, this is the first year in awhile that I really wanted to go out with her. I haven't done the Black Friday early wake up thing in at least 5 years. But I was itching to this time out. Of course, I had to work, so there was no option - not even to hit the outlet mall at midnight and then come home and go to bed, because I cannot function on that little sleep. But I'm hoping to hit the stores this weekend anyhow.
5. I am so tired these days. I think my lack of good sleep might be catching up to me. I sleep 7-8 hours each night, but they aren't always GOOD sleep. And Daddy Fuss has a cold, so he starts to snore and when I wake up, for whatever reason, I find it hard to fall back to sleep with him snoring beside me. I need a nap.
6. I will be going to my childhood best friend's baby shower this weekend. I haven't seen her face to face in ages, we mostly communicate on Facebook these days. But it will be nice to see her, see her mom and see some other old friends from back in the day. I seem to be in a better mindset than I was 2 weeks ago when my other friend had a shower, so I'm hoping and thinking that I'll do fine this time.
7. And on that note, AF is due sometime this weekend (oh yeah, maybe that's why I'm tired) and I'm hoping she shows up on time and without too much drama. I am ready for this cycle to be over, to put it behind me and begin anew.

And on that note, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and are getting geared up for a wonderful holiday season!

Conversion Diary took a break this week from 7 Quick Takes, but I didn't get the memo until I'd already written mine. :) If you want more 7 Quick Takes, I'd suggest a look at her archives... ha ha!

Thankful

It may not be original, but I'm going to tell you what I'm thankful for for Thanksgiving this year...

1. My husband. He is the most wonderful man I have ever known and he is so good to me, to our daughter and to everyone around him. He is a wonderful provider, an amazing friend, and a wonderful lover.
2. My daughter. She is the light in my life. She can simultaneously drive me up the wall and make me laugh out loud. I love being her mommy.
3. My extended family. Both of my parents and their respective significant others, my mother--in-law and my 3 sisters-in-law, my nieces and brother-in-law... they all add up to making a wonderful, if chaotic, family and I am so grateful to have them in my life.
4. My sister and her family and that they are stateside once again. I am thankful for them in general, but especially that they are back home this year.
5. My home. I may complain about it periodically, but I really do love our home. And I am so thankful that we have one.
6. That both my husband and I are employed. In this economy, many many people are out of jobs and while neither of us love our jobs, but we are very grateful to have them and that I can take Fuss with me to work.
7. My internet friends (and family). I love the friends I have made because of the internet - the girls on the Luckies grads board, my bloggy friends. You all mean so much to me, to my life, to my sanity.


I have been blessed in my life - with friends, family, and even possessions beyond my needs. I truly have so much to be thankful for.

November 25

Today, November 25th there are a few things going on... I'm not in the writing mood, really, so I apologize for the bullet points

• Fuss is officially 21 months old today! I can't believe she is getting so big!
  
• Yesterday I got my blood work done to verify that everything was good post-miscarriage. I got the results and I'm back to normal, as expected.
  
• After the blood draw, we went to breakfast and Fuss had a bit of peanut butter. She then got a rash all around her mouth and got splotchy all over her face where she had been rubbing and touching. We were concerned about an allergic reaction, so I took her to the pediatrician. By the time we arrived, her face had returned to normal, but we got a referral for an allergist to get her tested for a just-in-case situation. Her doctor said that it could be nothing, or it could be a warning sign that the next time it won't go away so easily. In the meantime, we'll be avoid nuts.
  
• My husband came home early today! It's awfully nice to have him home, have things more relaxed, since we have no responsibilities, really, for the rest of the weekend. (I have to work Friday morning, but it should be a very easy day). His job is getting more and more stressful and shows no signs of easing up until at least the first of the year. It's nice to have a bit of a break for a few days.
  
• I'm really disliking myself these days - my physical appearance, etc. I know there are things I can and should do about this, but I get so discouraged. I'm almost up to my non-pregnant heaviest weight again and I hate the way my body looks. My hair is being tempermental lately and I hate my current haircut. (I can usually wash my hair every other day, with the occasional possibility of going an extra day when needed. Lately, I get all oily and gross if more than 36 hours go by without a shampoo). Drives me crazy. Not even a good application of make-up really brings me up. And I desperately want to have my nice manicured nails back (something I gave up when Fuss was born and I stopped working)
  
• We need to get our family Christmas photos done soon and I've been on my husband to make the appointment with his friend for 2 months (I wanted 18 month pictures done of Fuss. oops) We are quickly running out of time, and I wish I knew what was causing him to drag his feet.
  

Ten on Tuesday (3)

1. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A teacher. Forever a teacher until I decided that I liked to write (fiction) as a teen and someone suggested I go into Journalism (non-fiction, hopefully) and I did a stint as the Editor of my high school paper. One year of college reporting classes and I realized that I would not enjoy life as a reporter. (I think I wanted to be Lois Lane. But even if that were possible, it would have taken a lot of years and a lot of gumption that I do not have to get there and, well, I'm not into being miserable in the mean time).

2. Name 3 of your irrational fears.
-Infertility. It's a major problem for some people, but thus far, I haven't had to deal with it. My mom did - that's why I'm an only child - and for some reason I have always assumed that I would, too. But even if I did, I truly believe that God would have a plan.
-Something tragic happening to Fuss. Like an incurable disease, or being kidnapped or hit by a car.
-My biggest fear, though - irrational or not - is that something might happen to Daddy Fuss and I'd be all alone. His father died young and I'm terrified of that happening to me, too.

3. If you had a $200 gift card to any store, what would you want it to be? (Nothing responsible allowed. Can’t be used for groceries or anything)
Target. I love Target and if told I couldn't buy anything responsible, I could still find a TON of stuff to buy there. Forget $200, I could easily irresponsibly spend $2000 at Target.

4. What is your most (blog-friendly) embarrassing moment?
In the very beginning of my sophomore year in high school, we had a rainy day - the kind where it pours and you're guaranteed to be soaked no matter what. At my school there were all sorts of places that attracted deep, huge puddles and many times we'd figured out a way around them. Like this one place by the gym - you could jump up on the concrete benches and walk across those to keep your feet out of the 4 inch puddle. Except that over the summer they had replaced those benches with metal ones covered in this slick plastic. I jumped up there and slipped and landed on my butt in the 4" puddle. Right in front of a crowd of upperclassmen. My clothes were soaked down to my underwear, my backpack drenched, my shoes and socks... you get the idea.

5. If you were only allowed to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would you choose?
I'd say pasta, because I love it, but really, it would probably be something more healthy because after a bunch of junky heavy meals, I always crave something better for me. So Thai food. Specifically shrimp (or chicken) with Hot Pepper. Those nice, crispy vegetables, a light but spicy sauce. Good stuff, my friends, good stuff.

6. What was your favorite toy growing up?
My dolls. Different dolls at different points growing up, but I played with them into my teens.

7. Do you have a “go to” outfit? What is it?
Well, I'd say yes and no - I usually have a favorite top of the moment and right now it's this long-sleeved shirt from Loft, and I can pair said tops with jeans or pants as the situation fits (usually jeans) but I don't really like my jeans right now, so I've got nothing. I've got a few tops that I really like right now, but nothing guaranteed to make me happy when I put it on.

8. Who was the best teacher you ever had?

Since I went to a really good school, it's going to be hard for me to pick one...
Mrs. Swain: My first grade teacher who really taught me to read and to love it, which is a gift I have never forgotten and always appreciated. Years later, I hung out with her after school and helped her grade papers, etc. since my parents were never on time to pick me up and I would have otherwise been forced to go to after-school care. Even more years later, after she retired, she and my grandmother became incredibly good friends and they still keep in touch. Unfortunately, she's not doing well these days and I have to say that the world be a less-good place when she leaves it.
Miss Pryski: Also one of my husband's favorite teachers. She taught 4th grade when I had her and I especially remember her Bible lessons, though she taught science and math and History (also another memorable specialty). She was really into her subjects and made them come alive for us.
Mr. Strickland: Ask any student who came through my school in the many years above me and a couple years below (he retired while I was in college) and they will tell you that he was one of their favorite and most-memorable teachers. He taught Bible and a couple of classes we often jokingly called Life 101 and Life 404. (He called them 8th grade Relationships and Sr. Social Studies, respectively.) He was brilliant and knowledgeable about everything and he made you work for those grades, but you wanted to please him. Sr. year he taught a course in the book of Romans which ultimately ended in an exam with one question on it: "Explain Romans." It was a rite of passage for all of the Seniors and in some ways it was the hardest test we had ever taken to date. (I got a 92, which is impressive for me, since I don't typically test well) He also required a Doctrinal Statement from each Sr - a paper that outlined and explained our religious beliefs, individually and the why and where we got those ideas from. A very educational experience.

9. If you could buy any car right now (something at least SORT OF within the realm of reality…so, you know, a Rolls Royce may not qualify), what would it be?

Well, in fairness, I should pick a vehicle for Daddy Fuss, since my old Jetta that he is now driving is starting to have problems and he is the one stuck dealing with them and my van is fine. He'd want a truck, I think, but it would have to be a bigger one that could seat a kid or 2, so probably a 4-door variety. But if we're talking ME, I'd just want a newer, more fully-loaded minivan. I love my van, but we had to get one with fewer ideal features than I wanted, so I'd like a different one.

10. How do you reckon that Chelsea comes up with 10 of these questions every week? It was hard! What’s your theory on how she’s so creative? Are you going to help her?

As soon as I come up with some good ones, I will be sending her some of my own. I'm simply very glad that she encourages participation in 10 on Tues even if I can't help come up with questions. Because man, these are interesting and I'm not really that interesting lately.

For more Ten on Tuesday, visit Chelsea and the others here.

A little racier than normal

So this weekend I co-hosted a Booty Parlor party of my own - Cherry and I had a bunch of friends and relations come to my house (bigger meeting space) and we squeezed 15 people into my great room and plied them with food (pumpkin dip! molasses cookies! beer cheese dip!) and drink (margarita punch! also, unspiked iced tea for those not into imbibing due to pregnancy or desire to appear tipsy at 2 in the afternoon) and showed them s*x toys. Cherry even had her mother-in-law around. (both of our mothers were also in attendance, proof that we have very good relationships with them)

We had a blast. And the party netted over $800 so apparently, so did our friends. My one friend spent over $120 on product alone - though the order forms are kept confidential (which is fine by me) so I don't know what exactly she got and I'm totally fine with that. Honestly, I probably got close to that if you factor in my half-priced items and credit. But anyhow. A good time was had by all and everyone walked away happy. There was no punch left, but plenty of snack foods, so they all enjoyed the margaritas and Daddy Fuss and I are enjoying the leftover munchies.

It's interesting because when I first heard about this stuff, I was all uncomfortable. But as I learned more about it and sampled a few of the tamer items, we've gotten to really enjoy it. I'll spare you the details of our bedroom-life, but spicing things up some times is a really great idea. My mom was all disturbed and I'm wondering if she thinks I'm into kink now or something because she said "well, we don't really need help in that department" as if wanting to play in the bedroom is this terrible thing. (This from the woman who was very vocal in bed when she started dating again and I was still living with her - she is NOT a prude, by any means.)

Anyhow, it was fun, amusing to see the expressions on some of my friends faces, and a good time was had by all. I think the 2-hour cross-state drive was also worth it for my consultant, too, (A friend who lives on the other coast, sort of, introduced us and she offered to come over despite the distance.) considering the sales total. I don't know how much she makes for commission, but even at 10-15% it would be a nice little chunk of change, ya know?

Whammo.

Getting today's post in under the wire, I think. It's been a busy weekend, and this afternoon is the first opportunity I've had to sit down and write.

About 10 minutes into Sunday School this morning, an overwhelming sadness came over me with the thought about my lost Angel baby. It's funny how it snuck up on me, seemingly coming out of nowhere, just hitting me full force with sadness as I missed the feeling of being pregnant, and anticipating a the arrival of the baby growing inside me.

I've said it before, I know, but I want to be pregnant. I wanted that baby and I miss being pregnant. As I see more and more of my friends getting pregnant (I don't begrudge them their babies or their pregnancies and I rejoice with each of them as they get their BFPs and they grow and anticipate their new little ones) I feel it more - the desire to be there with them.

I go on Tuesday to get my blood work following the miscarriage. Part of me hopes that despite skipping the usual window of fertility, that I am already pregnant again. But I know that will complicate things, too.

On a happier note, today is my SIL, LP's birthday and we went out to lunch at the favorite family restaurant this afternoon to celebrate. We all had a wonderful time and Fuss was joyful and entertaining, despite the fact that lunch was scheduled in the middle of naptime and she was being kept awake by the busyness and surroundings. She was very well behaved and loved mooching food from everyone.

Addicted

I’m trying to wean myself off caffeine. Or at least cut back again. I usually try and keep it to one can of Coke per day and occasionally have an extra coffee thrown in for fun. Sometimes I replace the Coke with the coffee, sometimes I don’t. But lately, I’m up to at least 3 caffeinated sodas per day and I think that’s too much. Especially since I’m trying to get pregnant again (or will be very soon) and I’ve read stuff that indicates that it’s not ideal to be drinking a lot of caffeine when you’re TTC (or when pregnant), so I figure it can’t hurt to cut back.

But it’s hard! I love my Coca Cola! And when I’m at work, I don’t have options other than soda (there is a soda machine next door and the water isn’t really drinkable from the tap) and when I’m home it’s either soda or water and sometimes I just don’t want water. Sometimes I need something with some taste to it, you know? I just love my caffeine. We’re good friends.

Fuss is a paci-addict. We’ve gotten rid of the solo paci except while sleeping, (so cute, she wakes up and hands us her paci, most of the time while still wiping the sleep from her eyes. But don’t expect her to sleep without it, no sir) but her Maddie the Monkey has a paci in it’s head and she is with Maddie all the time. A week or two ago, I gave her Maddie after I popped the paci out of her head, and she was very disappointed. She still carried her around, but would periodically open her mouth and turn Maddie around so she could pop the paci in her mouth and it wasn’t there and her little face would just fall. And she’d look so cute and pitiful and disappointed. I felt bad. So, ultimately, the paci went back into Maddie’s head and Fuss had her toy of comfort back again. I’m a softy, what can I say?

7 Quick Takes (TGIF)

1. I spent ALL DAY Thursday this week cleaning my house. I regularly scrub the kitchen and do the maintenance type things in the bathroom and living room, but this is a pretty irregularly thorough cleaning. I will be hosting a Booty Parlor party (co-hosting, actually) on Saturday and it was a well-needed cleansing. My house sparkles and smells faintly of PineSol.

2. Publix (our local grocery store) has put out the Egg Nog. We are beginning our holiday celebrations.

3. I am starting to gear up for the holidays - Thanksgiving is one of my top favorite holidays and when the schedule permits (and we're not traveling) I begin my Christmas baking Thanksgiving weekend. Looking forward to some homemade Snickerdoodles. And I'm getting urge to buy wrapping paper and decorations... obviously the early promotion of the holidays in the stores is working.

4. They finally had an event at MOPs that wasn't on a day I was working, and I had other plans. And it was something I would have been totally up for, too - a picnic at the park where the kids could run an play and Fuss would have had a blast.

5. I miss my camera. I am pretty sure we lost it on the dock over Labor Day when we went out on our friends' boat. I haven't seen it since. We have another camera - a big one, fancy. But not as easy to cart around, of course. So I haven't been taking as many pictures of the Fuss as I would like and I miss it.

6. Daddy Fuss took me to the shooting range the other day. I had never shot a gun other than a BB gun before, but he thought that we could use a chance to blow off some stress and blow things up, so he took me to the local indoor gun range, got me a lesson, rented a 9mm and we shot a target. We did rather well. My dad was a sharpshooter in the National Reserves, but I've never learned to shoot. My dad was all excited when I told him - he told me stories of his parents going to the range and my Grandma Lelah used to outshoot my Grandpa. (which must have been interesting, since my grandfather was a chauvinist). Will likely do it again some time.

7. I have gone all week without crying about the baby I lost. Next week I'll be going to get my bloodwork to make sure that the Hcg is all out of my system. I can go any time after Monday, but I don't have free time until... I don't know when. (Update: I made the appointment for Tuesday, when my husband is going in to work late because he has to work late that night. He can watch the baby while I get my blood drawn.)

For more quick takes, click here.

Book Reviews

I’ve been really bad about keeping a list of books I’ve read recently. But here’s what I can remember…

Family and Forever by Karen Kingsbury: These are the last two books in her 2nd Baxter series (Firstborn series) and they were really great with a lot of focus on Katy and Dane and starting to show more of the Flannigan family (who are based on Ms. Kingsbury’s own family). I was sad to see the series come to an end, but there was another series that followed, which brings me to…

Sunset by Karen Kingsbury: I did everything all goofy, so I ended up reading bits and pieces of each series all at the same time, depending on which books I could get from which library. My church has them, and the 2 city libraries near here have them. But I was obviously not the only person to be reading them, so… Anyhow, this was the final installment of the 3rd and final Baxter series. They’ve already begun showing up as minor characters in the Above the Line series, but she says she’s done writing about them as the main characters. I loved this book, though it was bittersweet to have it end. And as a side note, it finally told me what the real point of having a VBAC was, as opposed to just wanting to do a natural birth for the heck of it. (FWIW, the answer is that it is better for a baby’s lungs to be pushed through the birth canal – more mucus and fluid is pushed out that way. I think I knew that, but that seemed to make more sense than the answer that I’ve heard from some about “I just want to know that I can do it” or whatnot.)
A Thousand Tomorrows by Karen Kingsbury: Obviously, I am a fan of this author. My grandmother gave me this book and I liked it, but I wished she hadn’t. It’s about 2 people who are rodeo participants who fall in love. That’s the good part. But the girl in the story has cystic fibrosis (what my nephews have) and she really struggles with it and the end of the book is very sad. There are lessons learned and a good point to the story, but I kind of wish I hadn’t read it, because when I think about it, it makes me sad for the kind of life that my nephews will have to lead eventually.
Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin: My BFF gave me this book for my birthday and I really enjoyed it, even though it’s about a best friend who steals her friend’s fiancé only a few months before her wedding (the wedding was cancelled a week before the wedding date) and I kind of hate that sort of thing. But it was a fun book, despite that plotline and it intrigued me enough that I also read

Something Blue by Emily Giffin: This was the sequel to the above book and it talked about what the dumped friend did after she found out her best friend was having an affair with her fiancé. I remember telling my husband about halfway through the book that this girl was really stupid and if she never grew up, I was going to be really ticked off, but she did come to a mature realization at some point and did grow up and realized her mistakes and grew up. So that was good. I know that I tend to want to shake characters sometimes when they could so easily fix their problems by just COMMUNICATING or just doing one thing or whatever. I tend to get really wrapped up in what is going on in it and I think sometimes I bug my husband because I am always reading him some passage or talking about the plot like it’s real. But I liked the evolution of this character enough that I then went on to read…

Baby Proof by Emily Giffin: This is a new set of characters, but since they all originate in NYC somehow, the old characters are minor characters in this book (and in another there is a minor character from the first one as well) and it all flows well together. This one was good, and I liked the character, but I didn’t relate quite as well to her, since her big thing was that she didn’t want to have a child and I have never felt that way. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. But the character had a lot of depth and despite her anti-maternal feelings, I still understood her, which I thought was impressive. I am really loving this author.
Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin: I liked this one, because while I don't have exactly the same feelings for my ex (he's a real bastard), I do have an odd curiosity to run into him some how and show let him see how awesome my life is without him. With a handful of chapters to go, I was seriously debating how much damage would be done to the book if I threw it across the room if it actually ended where I thought it was heading... Since it was a library book, I was glad that she redeemed the character in the end and I didn't have to make that choice.
It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown and a Much Needed Margarita by Heather Armstrong: I’ve mentioned this here* and here* so I won’t expound too much. But I love reading bloggers books and plan to read a couple more*(Rattled!) that are already out and buy a couple that are coming out* (Alexa) in the future* (Matt). And if someone would let me read her novel….
Mommy Tracked by Whitney Gaskell: I sort of just came across this book and author while perusing the stacks at the library and the title jumped out at me. It seemed light and my type of easy reading, so I grabbed it. It was great. Perfect for mommys who wonder if they are all alone in their stresses, no matter what those stresses happen to be. The characters are a single mother, a working mother of 2 (who has a stay at home house husband), a mother-to-be, and a SAH mother of 3 (or 4, now I can’t remember) and I loved it. So read this one the next time you need some mommy-related fun and encouragement.
Testing Kate by Whitney Gaskell: Once upon a time I volunteered at Teen Court for my community service credits in high school. I loved it. I loved being part of the legal system. (I’ll have to tell you more about the experience in another post) So this book about a law student and her friends at Tulane (New Orleans! I LOVE New Orleans!) was fun for me. It also was a good reminder that sometimes you have to take the time to figure out what it is you want to do with your life instead of just following the plan you THINK you’re on. A good lesson, sometimes.

I also attempted to read a book called SuperMom and I got about 5 or 6 chapters in and quit. Seriously. It was that bad. She was changed into a super hero by breathing in a bad mixture of cleaning products in an unventilated space. She squirted out cleaning fluid like Spiderman shot out the webs. Yeah. I rarely quit books without finishing them, but I just couldn't read this one anymore.

Things That Rock Thursdays

1. NCIS Marathons hosted by Abby Scuito.

2. Seagram's Peach Fuzzy Navel wine coolers, an old favorite.

3. PartyLite parties with food - they have this fabulous dip mix... and apple cake. And the hostess also made something called Oreo balls (which are not PartyLite, but man were they good)

4. Husbands who babysit on weekday evenings and also do dishes. (This should actually be number one, but I'm doing these in no particular order)

5. Weeks when the New Orleans Saints are 9-0 and coming to Tampa this weekend.

6. Thanksgiving being right around the corner. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.

7. Husbands who let you sleep in when you have a headache

8. Hearing the equivalent of "I love you" from your not-quite-2-year-old for the first time. (also should have been at the top of the list, but again - in no particular order)

9. Sweet baby smiles.

10. Having a party to look forward to this weekend with a bunch of friends. I love the anticipation of having something exciting to look forward to on the weekend.


Things that most definitely do NOT rock?
Have 4 killer headaches in as many days. That most definitely does not rock.

Ten on Tuesday (2)

Welcome back to the next installment of Ten on Tuesday. For future reference, the next set of ten questions will be posted by Monday morning each week. You can click on the Ten on Tuesday button on your right to get there.

Here we go!

1. What are some of your family traditions?
For the most part, we have our holiday traditions... since Fuss was born we host Christmas Day dinner for both sides of the family, as many as want to come. We usually spend Christmas Eve with my dad and his girlfriend. We have a holiday morning casserole (sausage, cream cheese, cresent roll pastry) and we always go to the same restaurant for our anniversary.

2. Do you know how to change a flat tire?
Yes, but I'm not strong enough to remove the lug nuts - even Daddy Fuss has trouble when they've been put on with an air gun.

3. Do you subscribe to any magazines? What are your favorites?
Not right now. I'd like to - there are a few parenting magazines I'd like and one or two women's magazines. Plus I'd really like a scrapbooking magazine... In the past, I've had Wired magazine, Allure and something else... but my teen years were my big magazine years.

4. What are your top three favorite office supply items? Paper. I love paper. I can't stand to use standard 20# rag, either. I like the 24# 94 bright paper for every day use. I convinced my old office to switch and they were so in love with it. I also love post-it notes, the more unusual the color, the better. I also like colored ink pens - specifically purple, but I obviously don't use those for "business" purposes. For business purposes, I like blue ink, either gel or these ballpoint pens that are from Staples.

5. Are you a good public speaker?
I used to be. In elementary school i used to compete in speech competitions, specifically poetry. But now, I always tumble over my words a bit.

6. How do you feel about acronyms?
I think when they are funny, they amuse me.

7. What’s the most creative things you’ve ever done? (Bloggers, feel free to include pictures!)
My college/sorority scrapbook. Or some of my design school projects. I have no examples to show you right now.


8. I’d rather jam a pen in my eye than…
...watch most reality TV shows, specifically the "Survivor" type. I have watched the first season of American Idol, and a couple of seasons of ANTM and about 2 episodes of that one where they make over the house for a deserving family...


9. What company has the best advertising?
Mac. Those Mac vs PC commercials kill me. Especially when my husband and I were constantly debating the merits of Mac (me) vs. PC (him) We even had 2 girls names that could have nicknamed down to Mac and PC on our short list for Fuss. Although, I'm loving the freecreditreport.com jingles and the new PC commercials where they say "I'm a PC", too.

10. When is your birthday?
August. I'll be 30 next year.

For more 10 on Tuesday, click here

More.

I just found out that a friend of mine who was pregnant with me the first time is expecting (due July 12). We were pregnant w/ our girls together - her due date last time was 10 days before mine (though Dally came early and I had to wait. I think the girls are about a month apart) so 2 of the 3 girls from my SS class that I was PG with the first time are now PG w/ their second.

I don't begrudge my friends their babies, their healthy pregnancies, their NOT having to go through a miscarriage, but it makes me miss mine even more.

I'm surrounded by pregnant friends. I am happy for them, but it sometimes makes it harder to move on from my own disappointment.

Went to MOPs last week and we wrote down our prayer requests in small group. In the past, we haven't prayed for them out loud - just the leaders read them and we all know to pray for each other, just not always about WHAT. But the new mentor mom prayed and read each card and prayed specifically for each request, so now my small group knows about my miscarriage. I'm not embarrassed, but I wasn't really planning to announce it, you know? Frustrating.

I feel like I'm harping on this, but I just need to get it out... need to put my thoughts down so that I can get them out of my head...

Wanted

I wanted this baby.
I know that God had other plans, that He knows best and I certainly do not know better than He.
But I wanted this baby.
I never got to know him or her - I didn't even know if he was a him or her. That's really hard to think about. But then I think about Maddie and I think that losing my baby after getting to know her would be so much worse.
Maybe that's what God knew?

I am blessed that it all happened naturally. I don't know that I could have gone through a procedure to physically remove the baby from my body, even if all the confirmation was there that it no longer lived. I don't know. I just know that I am, in fact, grateful that it all happened naturally.

In a sort of weird way, every time I saw more blood and tissue I cried harder... knowing that that was what used to be my baby. It hurt.

People kept asking if I was in pain. I had really horrible lower back "cramps" which made me somewhat miserable, but the worst pain was knowing that I had lost my chance to mother this baby. That Fuss would never know this sibling. I didn't have the horrible stomach cramps that I expected. A few, yes, but not nearly what imagined.

Physically, I am better now. I stopped bleeding at the beginning of the week, my lower back pain dissipated (though I'm having some now, but I think it's unrelated) and I'm not as run down and achy. I have healed.

Emotionally, I am better, too. I'm not randomly crying anymore, not trying to remember why I have to get out of bed. I am going on with my life. But sometimes, when I talk about it, I tear up, I cry a little, I get that catch in my voice.

This baby was wanted, and never got to be.

Things That Rock Thursday's (on Saturday)

For this week's Things That Rock, I decided to find a new product to try out. I had heard about the Elf makeup eyeshadow from Amanda and decided to check out the product line. I already had a really nice eyeshadow that I love, plus I'm really really particular about the color of my eye shadows, so I didn't do that. But since I walked into the bathroom the other day to find that Fuss had pulled my bad of makeup colors to the ground and was systematically going through it, and had broken my current favorite lipstick, I was looking for lipsticks. (And if anyone has seen where she put my sheer shiny lipgloss, I'd really appreciate you letting me know)

So I found this set of 2 lip duos that you can mix together to make even more colors. I can't wear the pinky color on it's own, being a redhead, and typically avoiding any and all things pink, but if I mix it with any of the others, it works pretty nicely.

It also didn't hurt that I got all this for $3. Yeah, I can't seem to find another drugstore brand that will give me a lipstick for $3, can you? Do they even make Wet'n'Wild anymore?

This stuff is light and creamy and feels nice on my lips. I won't say it lasts real long, or anything, but I can deal with that, when needed. (I also have REALLY really dry and flaky lips, usually, so I always slather tons of Blistex on my lips and so lipstick never stays on my mouth for very long, so it might not be the lipstick that has the longevity problem, if you know what I mean...) but it does last a decent amount of time and the darker ones end up almost staining the lip, so there is at least a trace of color for awhile, even after I eat or drink a little bit.


All in all, I am very happy with my new find. I'll be trying out more for the Elf line in the future.

7 Quick Takes

1. There has been an explosion of language from my nearly two-year-old. I remember my speech pathologist friend, Cherry, tell me that there is "an explosion" of language "around 18 months" but I didn't really get what she meant and for us it happened around 20 months. Oh. My. And of course, now she wants to USE those words, too, so whenever she sees something that she knows the word for, she has to tell me about it. "Ball! Ball! Ball!" every time we see a - you guessed it - ball (or a circle, because circles are balls, too, you know). "Wuh-why!" she cheers when she sees a butterfly. I can't hardly take her to Target - when we pass the Pet Department it's "Mow! Woof! Woof! Mow!" or the Baby Department (where half the stuff has either sports balls, animals or girlie bugs) so I hear "Bee?! Moo?! Ball! Wuh-why!" It's fun, but a long trip can get rather noisy!

2. My mom has been wearing a butterfly (wuh-why!) necklace for years. Her ex-boyfriend gave it to her (the most serious one after my dad) and she wore it constantly for years. When she got remarried (to someone else, thank goodness) I thought it was inappropriate to continue wearing it, but she loved it, so she kept doing it. I offered to buy her a new butterfly, but she insisted that that one was so perfect, blah, blah. This past weekend, though she finally found one at an art festival and she was wearing it today. I'm incredibly glad that the other is gone. Her new one is spectacular, too - blue opal and crystals. I've never been so happy for her to get rid of a piece of jewelry. (It's not gone, in theory, but I'm hoping it will be hanging out much less often.)

3. We bought Fuss a "Big Girls Use the Potty!" book. We seem to be surrounded by almost two-year-olds being potty trained and I'm hoping that she will take to it soon and easily. Don't worry, I'm not holding my breath.

4. I went to Babies R Us today with my mom, the main goal to buy gifts for the 2 baby showers coming this month and the second goal to look for and price the needs and wants of Fuss (bedrails for a big-girl bed, babydolls and blocks, etc.) I really want to get her a baby doll, but the dolls these days are either too technical (I'm creeped out every time I walk down the babydoll aisle at Target and these dolls start crawling in place due to their motion sensors) or ugly or with hair that will not tolerate my active toddler. Anybody got any suggestions?

5. We're going to a soup and games party tonight with our Sunday School class. Each couple is bringing a soup and a game and there are no kids allowed. We got a babysitter and everything.

6. Have I mentioned that Fuss loves the music to the NCIS theme? Whenever it comes on (and Veterans Day, for example, they had a marathon on USA network) she dances and dances like crazy to the music. She'll stop what she's doing or race into the room if she hears it suddenly. So cute.

7. We've had a bit of a cold front this week, and we're breaking out the long sleeves, light jackets and starting to leave the doors open (screen doors closed) to enjoy the cooler air. I love this time of year. It's not so cold that my teeth are chattering, but it is a nice break from the usual heat that Florida is known for.

For more quick takes click here.

The latest...

I have finally stopped bleeding from the miscarriage. It felt like it took forever, especially for a girl who is used to about 5 days – tops – of bleeding during AF. I go the week of Thanksgiving to get my blood work done and make sure all the Hcg is out of my system. I’m hoping to get my next period by the end of the month and then be able to return to TTC.

Had to tell the last person who knew I was pregnant that I no longer was yesterday. My mom told her best friend and she is throwing a baby shower for her daughter this weekend. Since my mom hadn’t gotten around to telling her the new update, I had to call her yesterday and tell her my situation and that I wasn’t sure I’d be up to going to a baby shower. I know that H’s baby has nothing to do with mine, that her 3rd accidental pregnancy has nothing to do with my very wanted, lost baby, but I’m not sure that I really can sit there for a couple of hours and coo over tiny baby clothes and be as happy as I should for her. I am happy for her. She loves being a mother (and is one of those “Fertile Myrtles who gets pregnant when her husband looks at her funny) and has 2 boys already and this baby is a girl, which she really wanted. So, I’m very happy for her, but I’m not really ready to do it. To sit there with a smile pasted on my face. No matter how good the food is (my mom’s best friend is like Martha Stewart without the ego and attitude – she was my wedding coordinator/designer).

I’m dealing. I’m dealing pretty well. I teared up at my follow up appointment with the midwife. And I teared up talking to my mom’s friend. But I’m not randomly crying for the most part, and I’m not moping around as much as I was last week. But my lost baby will always claim a corner of my heart and I will never forget.

Wear Purple and have a cream puff...

Today (Wednesday) is Maddie Spohr’s birthday. Fuss and I are wearing purple today in her honor, both because purple was Maddie’s favorite color and because it is the color for the March of Dimes. I had purple ribbon to tie on the diaper bag, but in my (late) rush to get out the door to work, I left it at home. But regardless, we are remembering Maddie today.

Of course, it is also Veteran’s Day today, so many businesses and office are closed. My particular county is still running schools, but many of the surrounding ones are not. I think it’s important to remember this day and all the hard work our troops have put in throughout the years – then and now. Two of my step-brothers are active military (one currently over seas in the Army, one in port stateside for the Navy at the moment), one of my favorite cousins is an ex-Marine (how do you say that? Former Marine? Retired Marine? He did one tour and then didn’t reenlist), my uncle was Air Force, my grandfather retired Navy (he did half his career in the Navy in WWII). In addition I have several friends who are active military, of various branches. I very much support our troops and have always had an appreciation for what they do.

Missing

I miss being pregnant.
This is a strange thing to say because while I was pregnant, I barely felt pregnant and what I felt wasn't fun. But every time I think about what it was like to be pregnant and the nice parts of my pregnancy with Fuss, I am sad that I am no longer that way.

I want a baby. This is no surprise, since we were in fact trying to have a baby when we got pregnant, but I really wanted to be pregnant right now. Several friends are pregnant - one who's baby will be about 3 months older than mine would have been and who's baby will be born within days of when mine would have been. A friend of mine from the pregnancy message board who has a daughter a few months older than Fuss got her BFP within a week or so of mine and I was so looking forward to going through this with her again.

I'm seriously considering trying again this month instead of waiting a month. Maybe that's crazy. It probably is. And I don't know that Daddy Fuss would be on board.

Every time I think about a tiny newborn, I ache to hold it in my arms. And I'm surrounded by upcoming newborn babies. I saw a tiny new born today - a friend's less than 3 week old, 7 lb baby. He was adorable, but made me think about my baby that I'll never get to hold.

Ten on Tuesday

1. What gift are you most proud of giving?
The Christmas after my parents split up, I bought and gave my mom a sapphire bracelet. It was not cheap, but not terribly expensive. I gave her a bunch of presents that year and it was the best Christmas we spent together up to that point. My dad was terrible about giving presents and had given up giving her gifts a few years before. I wanted to make sure my mom had an extra special Christmas to make up for it. That was the first year that I remember being way more excited about what I was giving than what I was going to receive.

2. What’s the best gift you ever received?
My engagement ring or my "pushing" gift from Fuss's birth. I love them both and wear them as often as I can.

3. In honor of my husband: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
In first grade a boy in my class jumped on a metal pole I was dragging and split my finger open to the bone. I got 32 stitches and had to hang out in the ER all day waiting for the plastic surgeon to finish his golf game or something.

4. They say everyone gets 15 minutes of fame. Who’s 15 minutes has gone on far too long? (The Gosselins are not acceptable answers, be more creative.)
Octomom would have to be my first answer. But there really are so many...

5. You have 20 minutes and $1000. What do you buy?
Likely a computer. I would love a nice, brand-new lap top.

6. Tell me three blogs that I need to read.
1. MightyMaggie: Because she is fun and real and just a really awesome person. I wish we live on the same side of the country, because I want to be her best friend. Plus, she posts 5 days a week!
2. Julia @ Here Be Hippogriffs: I've been reading Julia forever (okay, since 2006 or so) and I get so excited when I see a new post. She has some of the cutest kids ever and I just adore her writing style and well, she's just so much fun.
3. The Mom Job: Amanda always has such interesting topics and while she is usually a "Mommy blogger" she talks about plenty of stuff that isn't mom-related, too.

There are a couple of others that I would have listed, but you only asked for 3 and my other favorites are password protected.

7. Would you rather go without pizza or ice cream for the rest of your life?
Pizza, I guess. No, ice cream. I can't decide! I can go long periods without pizza, but then, when I want it, I HAVE to have it. And ice cream? Well, me and Daddy Fuss love us some ice cream...

8. Would you rather go to a beach or a snowy mountain?
Mountain. But then, I live near the beach, so it's not so exciting for me. And I burn easy, so too much sun, etc. And you get all that sand everywhere... Give me a mountain vacation any day.

9. Are you a night owl or a morning person?
Before I got married I would have said morning person with no question. But I married a night owl and we seem to have evened each other out - we both go to bed before 11 and like to sleep as long as the Fuss will let us.

10. What word do you always misspell?
Necessary.

Well-behaved

We met up with some friends this weekend and attempted to take Fuss to her first art museum. Not our best parenting choice, since we ended up spending $34 for one of us to go through the museum and one of us to chase her around it for 10 minutes and ultimately take her back outside to play and run around the empty, Sunday afternoon campus of the local university housed next door, but whatever. After she escaped the museum, she was suddenly very happy and she and her Daddy had plenty of fun, as you can see above. She also enjoyed playing with everyone's stickers (what they gave us to prove that we paid our entrance fee) once we all came out.

We went to dinner and then back to my friend's house for dessert. She was our entertainment in between bits of conversation. She even seemed to be flirting with my friends' husbands. One did okay with her, one had NO clue what to do with this little toddler girl who wanted to sit on his lap and have him read her a story. But everyone had a good time and minus a 30-second moment when she was told not to touch something, where she started to cry and then got distracted by her crush offering her something else, she was perfectly behaved the entire afternoon/evening. I love when she is so well behaved in public. It makes me want to show her off even more.

I'm so tired of being here...

(thursday)
An old friend of mine had a baby a couple of weeks ago. We were friends in high school (in that mentoring sort of way - I was several years older than she and sort of "adopted" her her freshman year) and reconnected recently. I've really enjoyed getting to know her again and am very excited about her new baby.

Monday afternoon I received an email from her, asking if I wanted to come by this week to meet her son and hang out, etc. Obviously, monday was not a great day for me to be dealing with new baby stuff, but since she had no idea, I wrote her back to say that I had been dealing w/ the sniffles (which was true) and didn't want to expose him to any bug I might have, but that I'd call her the end of the week and maybe next week?

In the past week I've also received not one but 2 invitations to other old friends' baby showers that will be coming up this month as well.

Is this the big irony or is this God telling me to get back on the horse? (she says with a sarcastic tone)

I'm finally starting to feel a little better. My bleeding has slowed significantly (I told my husband this news this morning and informed him that this meant that we might get to make love again some day - he was overjoyed) and I'm having more "normal" times than not. Of course, this means that when it does hit me, it's even harder (that whole when your highs are high, your lows are lower thing), but I think I'm doing a lot better.

Sometimes that make me feel guilty - should I be getting over it 5 days later? The thing is, I WANT to get past it. I want to be able to move on. I don't want to mope around for weeks and months and I don't want to be scared to try again.

Both Daddy Fuss and I are concerned about what caused it. Our midwife told us that there was (likely) nothing we did that caused it (the first time she said "nothing," the second time she said "likely nothing", I imagine that there are statistics to support that rarely can a miscarriage be prevented, but there IS a difference between rarely and never.) I know that statistics show that usually an early miscarriage is usually a genetic problem. But since I bled after sex, and then the miscarriage started right after sex the next time, I'm wondering if that could have effected it. Also, I'm wondering if I had low progesterone again and starting the progesterone earlier could have helped. I will be discussing this with my midwife next week when I go in for a follow up.


(Today's title is the opening line from an Evanescence song)

Seriously?

I JUST want to STOP bleeding.

That is all.

More interesting post below....

Blanket

A little over 2 years ago, when we got the official "yes, you are pregnant" results from my GYN, I rushed to the baby department at Target. I found the perfect thing to celebrate our new little bean - a green, incredibly soft blanket with Winnie the Pooh on it. It was so pretty and soft and perfectly gender neutral and exactly what we planned for our nursery (sage green, Pooh themed) and as I'm obsessed w/ blankets, it was even more perfect.

Unfortunately, not long after that, they discontinued that exact blanket & my BFF's second son had chose that one (she had one, too, sharing my love for incredibly soft blankets) for his "blankie" by the time Fuss was born. When Fuss (and I) showed affection for another (granted, prettier - my favorite shower gift from one of my SILs) lavender blanket, I needed a second one. It could be procured on ebay, reasonably priced, so since BFF was searching high and low for the green one which I'd only used twice, she bought it from me and I bought Fuss a perfect copy of her lavender blanket as my own spare. Logically, this made perfect sense. Then and now. But the day I left that blanket at BFF's house, I remember feeling a pang of sadness. That was the first thing I bought for my baby and I gave it away...

Anyhow, I was determined to not make that mistake again and when I bought first items for subsequent offspring, I would hold on to them.

The budget being what it is, I hadn't yet searched for Numfar's item - a blanket or stuffed animal, suitably gender neutral for the unknown, but something soft, sweet and sentimental that I could bring to the hospital and baby could love for years and know that he or she was wanted from the very beginning. It seems a little odd to shop for one now, but I wish I had done so earlier.

7 Quick Takes

1. I'm reading It Sucked and the I Cried: How I had a baby, a breakdown, and a much needed margarita by Heather Armstrong. Probably not my best timing, but I finally found it at the library and I grabbed when I had the chance. So far, it is wonderful. She writes so well and only a couple of chapters in I already feel like I know her. I've read her blog, occasionally, but not regularly.

2. I sort of accidentally started writing in time to begin at the beginning of the month and so far have a lot of content spewing forth from my head and hands. So, after several years of wanting to to do it, but being scared to (I'm really terrible about doing stuff like this) I finally signed up for NaBloPoMo. I'm actually sort of proud of myself.

3. My husband's 2nd-in-command boss (there's the owner, then this guy and then my husband) was let go this week for setting up a competing company. While I don't blame the boss for letting him go, we are worried about what this means for my husband's workload.

4. I'm dying to get some new clothes - some really nice ones. Specifically shoes at the moment, which is especially odd for me, since I'm not a big shoe person. I'm more about the comfort than the looks and I'm dying to get some really pretty shoes - peep toe heels or kitten heels - that really aren't comfortable, usually. I also love boots, but that, at least isn't as surprising. I think it might have something to do with some of the books I've been reading lately which mention things like this. I'm obviously really influenced by advertising and that sort of thing.

5. We had lunch at a new Cajun restaurant the other day. I've been obsessing about the vacation we want to take to New Orleans lately, and I'm now even more motivated to go and to eat more Cajun food. I love all that stuff - ettouffe, shrimp creole, beignets, gumbo, etc. I also once had a little bit of heaven called crab au gratin while in New Orleans. Sigh.

6. My Numfar will never get to do the dance of joy. I'm really sad about that.

7. Fuss ripped the back page out of a library book recently. Thankfully, it was a blank page, but it had the library security sticker on it. Thankfully, the man checking in books was very nice about it.

For more 7 Quick Takes, click here

Thursday's Things That Rock

And now it's time for Amanda's Things That Rock.

This week's Thing that Rocks is this: Timing your traumatic/hormonal event so that there is plenty of chocolate in the house (even if it technically belongs to your kid - but she's not allow to eat most of it anyway).

Runners up include: sales at Ann Taylor Loft (I got a new sweater and a long-sleeved t-shirt that are both great colors and very soft), finally getting a break in the weather (in November!) and new cajun restaurants.

I think my Thing that Doesn't Rock is probably obvious, but specifically, I'm hating the symptoms that I'm feeling. The nausea, the heavy bleeding and the feeling down, even when I'm mostly okay for the moment. I just can't seem to shake the "dragging" feeling, even when in most ways I feel normal.

For more Things That Rock, click here.

One More Angel In Heaven

(Tuesday)
Fuss bit her tongue really badly last night - lots of blood, etc. She settled down and went to bed an hour or so later without too much effort. We then had a horrible night - she screamed in her sleep off and on from 11:30 to 3:00. At 4:00 she woke UP screaming and was burning up hot. When I tried to take her temp, it kept coming up normal but there was no way. I had to wake Daddy Fuss to help me and when she saw him she basically demanded that we both stay with her until she fell asleep.

I said to her this morning, "Today's gonna suck, too, isn't it?" and she said, "uh huh" from around her paci as she leaned her head on my arm. I should have known better than to declare that tomorrow had to be better than today (last night).

The worst day of my life previous to this was the day that my uncle died. We had been very close and among other things, I had to be the one to tell his son that his father had passed away. (I was closer to my uncle than my cousin was - they'd really only recently started having any relationship at all about 2 years before my uncle's death). Previous to that, the death of my grandfather when I was 15 was pretty sad, too. The last few days have been some of the saddest of my life. Part of me wants to wallow. When we got home yesterday, I took a nap when Fuss did. When Daddy Fuss came to wake me up, I didn't want to get out of bed. I actually, briefly thought "what's the point?"

Part of me wants it to be over. I want to be able to leave it behind me and move on. Of course, it's not that easy.

I started getting comments and emails about my post yesterday that asked if my baby was in heaven. I had already gotten my head around that fact - my baby is in heaven. She/he is romping around on the streets of heaven. I'm not of a brand of Christianity that does a lot of symbolic things, especially for those who are gone away, but I really want to light a candle or something for my baby.

The end.

Things got bad again/worse Monday morning and since I was planning to call the midwife anyway, I did. I spent half the morning crying anyway and really regretted my seemingly logical decision the night before not to call in sick. I ended up calling in my coworker anyhow to come in by 11 so that I could rush to a worked-in ultrasound appointment. Thankfully, my husband was able to arrange to come, too, to both wrestle the Fuss and, of course, to be there with me.

Predictably, the ultrasound technician didn't find any evidence of a baby left, asked me a few questions about how much I bled, and then gently explained what she wasn't seeing. With a quiet, "I'm sorry," she told me I could get dressed and left us alone.

My last shred of hope now gone, I broke down for the 15th time that day. Daddy Fuss held me and let me cry against his shirt and the Fuss ran around the room, untethered calling, "Mama? Mama? Mama?"

Thirty percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, according to my midwife. Most of those have problems that would have never have allowed them to develop into a healthy baby. I never saw a heartbeat and it's possible it never developed.

I go back next week for a follow up and bloodwork to verify the HCG has disappeared and my body is aware that I am officially no longer pregnant. I am advised to wait another month before resuming TTC.

My question is this:
If life begins at conception, which I have always been taught from our religious-based discussions, is my baby in heaven? Or without the heartbeat and development of a body, etc. was it just a bunch of tissue that would be the equivalent of the cyst I had removed a few years back? Is my baby waiting for me in heaven? Will I recognize him or her when I get there? Not being very far along, I don't know if it would have been a son or daughter, I don't have a name other than the silly Numfar we gave it as a placeholder. I feel like he or she needs a name, but I don't know what name to give.

I would like to thank my online friends who have been so wonderful today and this past weekend. My "Luckies" girls have been very encouraging and supportive over the last few days and I am very blessed to have them in my life.

Highs and lows

Things have gotten worse as the day has progressed. I had more lower back pain, more cramps, heavier bleeding, including some clots. There is the likelihood that I have lost the baby, and yet I cannot seem to lose all hope. I cannot completely convince myself that all hope is lost. When my pain and discomfort ended early this afternoon, I decided to go shopping with my mom as originally planned.

I have sadness and grief. Mom and Fuss and I ducked into Hallmark at the mall to look at their Christmas ornaments. I got teary and sad when I found the Mother-to-be ornament (that I looked for extensively when I was pregnant with Fuss 2 years ago and couldn't fine) that even had red hair. I had to hurry past Motherhood, one of the stops I had planned to make when we first talked about this particular shopping trip.

I haven't heard the song The Climb in a few months, but I heard it twice today. Sort of ironic. Especially the line about "sometimes I'm gonna have to lose..." because I guess I had been wondering if it was unfair that I'd had things so easy...

But then there is Fuss. She is this light in a dark place. She is full of cuddles and snuggles and little girl laughter. She had so much fun this weekend Trick or Treating and going to a Fall Festival with her Aunt J at our alma mater. She had her first sno cone and won me a cake at a cake walk (really good one, too - Pumpkin chocolate chip) and got 3 bouncy balls as her prizes ("Bawl!") since her current obsession is balls of all shapes and sizes.

She was good today - she snuggled and played with me all morning as I sat on the couch, taking it easy and grieving. She came with us to the mall and munched on a pretzel from Auntie Annie's. We went to Grandma and Papa's house tonight to eat dinner (brats and cheese curds) while watching Papa's beloved Packers (he's from WI) and she fell asleep in Grandma's arms, tuckered out from a very busy weekend and not yet used to the time change. She also seemed to be running a mild fever, so we'll be watching to make sure she starts to perk up tomorrow. (I think she's probably teething and getting another tooth in)

I'll be calling the midwife in the morning to find out what to do. I had an appointment scheduled for Thursday, but I don't know if she can or will see me earlier in light of my bleeding.

I am better. I am accepting. I just don't yet know what to accept. Daddy Fuss made the comment today that that seemed to be the theme of this pregnancy: The Unknown. Is it a line or isn't it? Is it a properly placed pregnancy or isn't it? Is it a viable pregnancy or isn't it? I just want the answer. I just want to know.

Losing...

I think I'm losing the baby.
We BD'd yesterday afternoon, and I began to spot again. Didn't think much of it since the midwife said that was normal. Put on a liner and went out. Came home and had to change the liner - more blood than the past and still coming. Took Fuss trick or treating and when we stopped by my mom's later, I needed another one. Looks more like day 2 or 3 of AF. Daddy Fuss and my mom reminded me that I'd been walking around a lot, hadn't rested, etc. So we hoped that rest and a good nights' sleep would stop the bleeding and we'd just lay off the BD for a bit.
It's now morning and it doesn't show any signs of being done. I've had a few cramps, but nothing major. I would have assumed that I would have felt more than this - it feels like a sort of light-to-medium period - shouldn't it be more like a bad one?
I'm sad. And anxious. I don't want to think it's over, but I'm losing faith.