Things have gotten worse as the day has progressed. I had more lower back pain, more cramps, heavier bleeding, including some clots. There is the likelihood that I have lost the baby, and yet I cannot seem to lose all hope. I cannot completely convince myself that all hope is lost. When my pain and discomfort ended early this afternoon, I decided to go shopping with my mom as originally planned.
I have sadness and grief. Mom and Fuss and I ducked into Hallmark at the mall to look at their Christmas ornaments. I got teary and sad when I found the Mother-to-be ornament (that I looked for extensively when I was pregnant with Fuss 2 years ago and couldn't fine) that even had red hair. I had to hurry past Motherhood, one of the stops I had planned to make when we first talked about this particular shopping trip.
I haven't heard the song The Climb in a few months, but I heard it twice today. Sort of ironic. Especially the line about "sometimes I'm gonna have to lose..." because I guess I had been wondering if it was unfair that I'd had things so easy...
But then there is Fuss. She is this light in a dark place. She is full of cuddles and snuggles and little girl laughter. She had so much fun this weekend Trick or Treating and going to a Fall Festival with her Aunt J at our alma mater. She had her first sno cone and won me a cake at a cake walk (really good one, too - Pumpkin chocolate chip) and got 3 bouncy balls as her prizes ("Bawl!") since her current obsession is balls of all shapes and sizes.
She was good today - she snuggled and played with me all morning as I sat on the couch, taking it easy and grieving. She came with us to the mall and munched on a pretzel from Auntie Annie's. We went to Grandma and Papa's house tonight to eat dinner (brats and cheese curds) while watching Papa's beloved Packers (he's from WI) and she fell asleep in Grandma's arms, tuckered out from a very busy weekend and not yet used to the time change. She also seemed to be running a mild fever, so we'll be watching to make sure she starts to perk up tomorrow. (I think she's probably teething and getting another tooth in)
I'll be calling the midwife in the morning to find out what to do. I had an appointment scheduled for Thursday, but I don't know if she can or will see me earlier in light of my bleeding.
I am better. I am accepting. I just don't yet know what to accept. Daddy Fuss made the comment today that that seemed to be the theme of this pregnancy: The Unknown. Is it a line or isn't it? Is it a properly placed pregnancy or isn't it? Is it a viable pregnancy or isn't it? I just want the answer. I just want to know.