Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The end.

Things got bad again/worse Monday morning and since I was planning to call the midwife anyway, I did. I spent half the morning crying anyway and really regretted my seemingly logical decision the night before not to call in sick. I ended up calling in my coworker anyhow to come in by 11 so that I could rush to a worked-in ultrasound appointment. Thankfully, my husband was able to arrange to come, too, to both wrestle the Fuss and, of course, to be there with me.

Predictably, the ultrasound technician didn't find any evidence of a baby left, asked me a few questions about how much I bled, and then gently explained what she wasn't seeing. With a quiet, "I'm sorry," she told me I could get dressed and left us alone.

My last shred of hope now gone, I broke down for the 15th time that day. Daddy Fuss held me and let me cry against his shirt and the Fuss ran around the room, untethered calling, "Mama? Mama? Mama?"

Thirty percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, according to my midwife. Most of those have problems that would have never have allowed them to develop into a healthy baby. I never saw a heartbeat and it's possible it never developed.

I go back next week for a follow up and bloodwork to verify the HCG has disappeared and my body is aware that I am officially no longer pregnant. I am advised to wait another month before resuming TTC.

My question is this:
If life begins at conception, which I have always been taught from our religious-based discussions, is my baby in heaven? Or without the heartbeat and development of a body, etc. was it just a bunch of tissue that would be the equivalent of the cyst I had removed a few years back? Is my baby waiting for me in heaven? Will I recognize him or her when I get there? Not being very far along, I don't know if it would have been a son or daughter, I don't have a name other than the silly Numfar we gave it as a placeholder. I feel like he or she needs a name, but I don't know what name to give.

I would like to thank my online friends who have been so wonderful today and this past weekend. My "Luckies" girls have been very encouraging and supportive over the last few days and I am very blessed to have them in my life.


  1. WE are blessed to have YOU and are so sorry for your loss.
    So, if Numfar was a character from Angel and "Angel" is a name for either gender, as simple as it is and poignant as it is, that would be my choice. I also believe that the spirit of that baby didn't find the right body to grow into and so that same spirit will return to you. All my love and condolences. Z

  2. I agree with Z. I think your baby is an Angel. I believe that it will guide the next baby to you and watch over it and keep it safe until it is in your arms and beyond. I say this because my mom lost my older sister (7 yrs older) at 9 days old, and I swear that I feel her presence from time to time watching over me.
    My condolences to you and Daddy Fuss.

  3. I think Zandi has the name pefect and I think that you will without a doubt know your baby when you are called to heaven. My friend went through something similar and someone told her this. I thought it was a beautiful sentiment given the heartache she was feeling.

    The only two things that your baby ever experienced is the warmth of their mom and the face of Jesus. Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these" Matthew 19:14