Things got bad again/worse Monday morning and since I was planning to call the midwife anyway, I did. I spent half the morning crying anyway and really regretted my seemingly logical decision the night before not to call in sick. I ended up calling in my coworker anyhow to come in by 11 so that I could rush to a worked-in ultrasound appointment. Thankfully, my husband was able to arrange to come, too, to both wrestle the Fuss and, of course, to be there with me.
Predictably, the ultrasound technician didn't find any evidence of a baby left, asked me a few questions about how much I bled, and then gently explained what she wasn't seeing. With a quiet, "I'm sorry," she told me I could get dressed and left us alone.
My last shred of hope now gone, I broke down for the 15th time that day. Daddy Fuss held me and let me cry against his shirt and the Fuss ran around the room, untethered calling, "Mama? Mama? Mama?"
Thirty percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, according to my midwife. Most of those have problems that would have never have allowed them to develop into a healthy baby. I never saw a heartbeat and it's possible it never developed.
I go back next week for a follow up and bloodwork to verify the HCG has disappeared and my body is aware that I am officially no longer pregnant. I am advised to wait another month before resuming TTC.
My question is this:
If life begins at conception, which I have always been taught from our religious-based discussions, is my baby in heaven? Or without the heartbeat and development of a body, etc. was it just a bunch of tissue that would be the equivalent of the cyst I had removed a few years back? Is my baby waiting for me in heaven? Will I recognize him or her when I get there? Not being very far along, I don't know if it would have been a son or daughter, I don't have a name other than the silly Numfar we gave it as a placeholder. I feel like he or she needs a name, but I don't know what name to give.
I would like to thank my online friends who have been so wonderful today and this past weekend. My "Luckies" girls have been very encouraging and supportive over the last few days and I am very blessed to have them in my life.