Wednesday, November 4, 2009

One More Angel In Heaven

Fuss bit her tongue really badly last night - lots of blood, etc. She settled down and went to bed an hour or so later without too much effort. We then had a horrible night - she screamed in her sleep off and on from 11:30 to 3:00. At 4:00 she woke UP screaming and was burning up hot. When I tried to take her temp, it kept coming up normal but there was no way. I had to wake Daddy Fuss to help me and when she saw him she basically demanded that we both stay with her until she fell asleep.

I said to her this morning, "Today's gonna suck, too, isn't it?" and she said, "uh huh" from around her paci as she leaned her head on my arm. I should have known better than to declare that tomorrow had to be better than today (last night).

The worst day of my life previous to this was the day that my uncle died. We had been very close and among other things, I had to be the one to tell his son that his father had passed away. (I was closer to my uncle than my cousin was - they'd really only recently started having any relationship at all about 2 years before my uncle's death). Previous to that, the death of my grandfather when I was 15 was pretty sad, too. The last few days have been some of the saddest of my life. Part of me wants to wallow. When we got home yesterday, I took a nap when Fuss did. When Daddy Fuss came to wake me up, I didn't want to get out of bed. I actually, briefly thought "what's the point?"

Part of me wants it to be over. I want to be able to leave it behind me and move on. Of course, it's not that easy.

I started getting comments and emails about my post yesterday that asked if my baby was in heaven. I had already gotten my head around that fact - my baby is in heaven. She/he is romping around on the streets of heaven. I'm not of a brand of Christianity that does a lot of symbolic things, especially for those who are gone away, but I really want to light a candle or something for my baby.

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