Thursday, March 31, 2011


Sometimes, I feel useless. We were having a conversation on Luckies recently and it just reminded me that other than staying home with this kids, I am somewhat useless to our family. I mean, it's important to be home with the kids and I'm glad that I am, but if I did need to get a job? Or if I needed to get out of the house at some point to restore my sanity? Or when the kids go to school and I'm trying to come up with something useful to do to bring in some income? I've got nothing.

I spent SO much money on my degree and I'm not using it. And I really never did. I had a couple of jobs within the industry after I graduated, but they were all short-term jobs. I remember my first interview after graduation was for a job that paid - no kidding - $7 an hour. I'm like "you want a college degree for this position, and you're only paying $7? You have got to be kidding me." Just proof that having a college degree and an education doesn't mean anything in this world. I got my job at the agency based on my self-taught skills, not my degree. Yes, I had a better working knowledge of the industry because of my degree, but in the end that meant nothing. I was the lowest paid person in the office - for years. People got hired after me to do portions of my job and they made more than I did (after working there for 2-3 years at that point) to start with.

It makes me feel useless when I think about it. And even when I don't... sometimes I feel like maybe I am not the best mother for my kids. Sure, I am nursing my son, and that is extremely important, but beyond that... am I really doing anything for my kids that any number of competent adults couldn't do just as well... or better? I should do more with Fuss, but I have no idea HOW to do more. I don't know how to teach her. I don't know what to teach her. I am so out of shape that I feel like I can't be all that active with her and I can't really take her to the park and chase after her because I'm also trying to juggle the baby. (And I want MORE kids? I can't handle the 2 I've got!)

I'm not even that good at keeping my house. It's always messy. Lately, it's not just messy, it's a disaster. We have too much stuff, it's not organized and I don't have a clue where to begin, despite looking for and getting all sorts of "general purpose" advice from websites and books about organization.

I don't know why my husband loves me. I have no idea why he finds me attractive. I am not attractive. I'm overweight and flabby. I'm gross. And even when I have motivation, I seem to be stymied at every turn. (I've had the desire to start running this week - talk about a weird thing for me - and it has been raining. Seriously?)

This post is really depressing. I'm just going to end it here, without looking for a better way to wrap it up.


  1. I’m pretty sure if I ever quit to stay at home it would be very hard to get back into my industry in anything but an entry-level position, which would suck. We actually have several middle-aged women who recently started for our office. They stayed home for years and now their children are grown. They started as INTERNS. That just sounds awful to me. Although, they weren’t in the industry before having kids – they went back to school to get a degree when the kids left the house. There’s no reason to treat them differently from any other recent graduate, but it would still stink to be 50 and an intern. (It reminds me of Chandler on Friends when he tries to get into advertising.)

    Would you ever be interested in any of those direct selling work-from-home kind of things to make a little extra cash? (Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, Tastefully Simple…) I REALLY don’t have the personality for selling, so I don’t think I could pull it off, but I know several SAHMs who really contribute to their household income that way. Heck, I’ve considered becoming a Tastefully Simple rep just to get the awesome discount on their products!

  2. That's exactly where I was between the kids. I'm finally getting to a place where I enjoy working out and running and I honestly feel better about myself. My husband has always been very supportive of my looks even when I feel like I look horrible, but it's really about how you see yourself. And I feel like a better mom when I feel better about myself.

    Please carve some time for yourself, sans kids. Even sans husband - work out, read, even clean - just take some time for yourself. It's not selfish, it's sanity.

    Call me/text me if you need to vent!