Sometimes, I feel useless. We were having a conversation on Luckies recently and it just reminded me that other than staying home with this kids, I am somewhat useless to our family. I mean, it's important to be home with the kids and I'm glad that I am, but if I did need to get a job? Or if I needed to get out of the house at some point to restore my sanity? Or when the kids go to school and I'm trying to come up with something useful to do to bring in some income? I've got nothing.
I spent SO much money on my degree and I'm not using it. And I really never did. I had a couple of jobs within the industry after I graduated, but they were all short-term jobs. I remember my first interview after graduation was for a job that paid - no kidding - $7 an hour. I'm like "you want a college degree for this position, and you're only paying $7? You have got to be kidding me." Just proof that having a college degree and an education doesn't mean anything in this world. I got my job at the agency based on my self-taught skills, not my degree. Yes, I had a better working knowledge of the industry because of my degree, but in the end that meant nothing. I was the lowest paid person in the office - for years. People got hired after me to do portions of my job and they made more than I did (after working there for 2-3 years at that point) to start with.
It makes me feel useless when I think about it. And even when I don't... sometimes I feel like maybe I am not the best mother for my kids. Sure, I am nursing my son, and that is extremely important, but beyond that... am I really doing anything for my kids that any number of competent adults couldn't do just as well... or better? I should do more with Fuss, but I have no idea HOW to do more. I don't know how to teach her. I don't know what to teach her. I am so out of shape that I feel like I can't be all that active with her and I can't really take her to the park and chase after her because I'm also trying to juggle the baby. (And I want MORE kids? I can't handle the 2 I've got!)
I'm not even that good at keeping my house. It's always messy. Lately, it's not just messy, it's a disaster. We have too much stuff, it's not organized and I don't have a clue where to begin, despite looking for and getting all sorts of "general purpose" advice from websites and books about organization.
I don't know why my husband loves me. I have no idea why he finds me attractive. I am not attractive. I'm overweight and flabby. I'm gross. And even when I have motivation, I seem to be stymied at every turn. (I've had the desire to start running this week - talk about a weird thing for me - and it has been raining. Seriously?)
This post is really depressing. I'm just going to end it here, without looking for a better way to wrap it up.