Holiday Stresses

My dad called yesterday in a panic. The one employee (working the counter) who wasn't brand-new is in the hospital. He's been having health problems for months, so this isn't a huge shock and he's been working 12-hour days while we train the new people at the other store, so that probably isn't good for him. But this means my dad is up a creek - again - the week before Christmas (our busiest week if things hold true to the past) and I have SO much to do...

My house is a disaster. I still have presents to wrap (and still have some coming in the mail, for that matter!) I have cookies and fudge to make and all sorts of craziness to fix up and organize. We're doing a slightly different Christmas dinner (though, I confess, my husband is taking care of all of that nonsense) so there is that challenge (I am increasingly worried that we'll end up calling out for pizza because it doesn't work out).

I LOVE Christmas time and I feel like there is so much going on that I can't enjoy it. I love watching Fuss and Little Man look at the sights and the lights that surround Christmas. Fuss especially is so much fun this year. I can't wait to see her open her presents Christmas morning.

I am trying to take a deep breath and slow down and enjoy my moments with her. This age only happens once.

I will work 2 days this week for my dad. But then, I'm putting my foot down. I will not work Christmas Eve. (let's see how well I do this when I'm actually talking to him, shall we?)

7 Quick Takes

1. I completely forgot to post yesterday. Just slipped my mind. Oops. I wonder if this is a sign that I'm getting old?

2. I am done - Done - DONE! with my Christmas shopping! I have some things to wrap and then all of my gifts are taken care of. I am thrilled by this, although I love Christmas shopping and giving Christmas presents! But dealing with the shops and the malls and such with 2 kids the week before Christmas sounds more like a nightmare to me!

3. The one exception to this is the gifts that my dad asked me to choose for myself and my husband. He basically gave me money and told me to find something for his girlfriend (birthday and Christmas), Little Man and my husband and myself. I am struggling with what to do for my husband and myself. On one hand, we could use the money for something bigger that we really want. On the other hand, he could have very easily just handed me money and said Merry Christmas if he had wanted to give us money, but he asked me to shop. I think he wants something for us to open on Christmas Eve at his house. I may have to venture out to the store and buy a sweater or something.

4. We are trying to decide if we want to do a non-traditional Christmas dinner. The current front-runners are a Cajun/Creole feast or lasagna. I would love to do the Cajun thing, but I fear that we would end up doing even more cooking than if we had a traditional dinner (everyone brings a side when we do traditional) and I don't really want to trash out my kitchen the day of Christmas with my husbands exuberant cooking fun new dishes!

5. My Christmas cards turned out beautifully. I am so happy with them! Thanks, Shutterfly!

6. The Little Man had a rough week with nighttime wakings/feedings. I don't know if it was weather related (it has been COLD here!) or what. Unfortunately, Fuss has also had a rough week, so both of us have been up with the kids multiple times in the night. Not fun.

7. I'm done working for my dad (again). I hope that both of these new people stick and that we don't have any more disasters in the employment department. I enjoyed getting a couple of paychecks, but it was SO hard on the kids. And on me. I'm glad to be done.

For more quick takes, click here.

back to work (day 24, 25, 26)

Whose idea was THIS?

My dad lost 2 employees with no notice and was already short handed and somehow my offer of help became a regular gig. I am stressed and really, really unhappy. I worked on Friday, and while I am happy to help him and having a little extra cash, especially at Christmas time, is awfully nice, I am just... I don't want to do this.

It is HARD with two kids. I'm dealing with an active toddler and an infant who eats every 2 hours, pretty consistently. I'm also still dealing with spotty sleep, as Little Man can't decide if he truly is one of those kids who can sleep through the night or not. (He'll do it for a day - maybe 2, but then we have an awful night again where he wakes up after 4 hours and wants to eat again, 2 hours later after that, too!)

I just don't want to do it any more. I don't like this job. I really never have. And my dad brought it on himself by not thinking before he speaks to his employees and saying something insulting. But if I don't help out, he's sort of screwed.

What I've told him is that I will do it until the kids can't anymore. I don't imagine that it's going to go over well with Fuss. And I have way too much to do before Christmas to do this every week, 5 days a week. He is going to have to find someone, and FAST.

____________
Friday, I was having trouble putting together an outfit. I had nothing clean! I had dropped my dry cleaning off the night before to my dad, which was how I got roped into helping him out that day. I managed to put together a cute outfit, with shoes I later regretted. I wore my jeans, my black v-neck Tee and my blue blazer. I paired it with simple jewelry because I thought I'd be lifting clothes for at least part of the day (I did) and my boots because I had no idea I'd be on my feet for 4.5 hours straight (I was. The shoes were a mistake).

Saturday I wore my khakis because I was in the mood for something different and my cream t-shirt with my brown argyle cardigan. I wore my cross necklace and no earrings because I was going for simple and couldn't come up with anything interesting.

Sunday, we finally made it back to church after several weeks off. The kids have been sick and Daddy Fuss and I have been suffering from ennui, so we've skipped more than I usually like to. I finally got to break out my black dress (Walmart) and got to wear my pearls. I paired them with my diamond and gold and silver hoop earrings, my black heels and I added a cream colored cardigan for warmth. (By midday when I was able to take the picture, it was warm enough to take off the sweater.) I changed later, but kept on the pearls and noted later in the day that "pearls make everything more elegant." It's true, you know, they really do.

The exhaustion that is Wednesday

I woke Monday morning to the blaring of my husband's alarm. And by "my husband's" I mean, it sits less than 2 feet away from my head and I am responsible for turning it off and tapping/pushing/kicking him out of bed over the next 1-2 minutes. He got up rather easily at that time and left our room, taking the dog who was awake with him and closing the door behind him. Approximately 2 minutes later, I heard the skies open up and the rains deluge. I was drifting back to sleep when I realized that some of my father's construction equipment was outside in said deluge. And I didn't know if, in his sleep-filled state - my dear husband would remember this bit of info. So I got up. And I searched the house for my dearest love. I knew there was no way he could have gotten out the door and been far enough away from the house on his run to be delayed in returning in the 5 minutes it took for my brain to process this situation. Finally, I looked out back where the equipment was and heard a clanging. I went outside to help my now-drenched beloved. And then we both wiped ourselves off and climbed back into bed with the words "bed is good" being muttered by one of us...

Some time in the next hour, I vaguely remember being uncomfortable with a not-so-fun combination of headache/toothache/heartburn and struggling to fall back to sleep. I also vaguely remember hearing a cell phone ringing from the next room, and for some reason assuming it was my husband's work phone and some random co-worker was calling in sick.

When he arose at 7, I muttered "I heard your phone earlier" and rolled over. Fifteen minutes later, he came back in, listening to MY phone's messages. It was my dad. He was in need of someone to work the morning shift - at least while he did the runs to the other store - since the girl who was supposed to cover for the next 2 weeks' worth of vacations didn't come in. This did not bode well for my week.

Long story short (too late!), I ended up working the bulk of a 6 hour shift in 90+ degree heat (that's w/ the AC on full-blast), on my feet, 8 months pregnant, with a toddler in tow. This was not ideal. And in normal circumstances, I could have helped him out this one day and said, "sorry dad, make your alternate arrangements," and left him to find someone else to work the mornings and he could cover the afternoons (which he has done for months and months, so this is not a huge deal.) BUT! With 7 weeks until my baby's birth and major construction (for us, anyway) going on at the back of my house - mostly being done by my dad - I have to help out more than I'd like in my current condition.

The heat and stress and "on-my-feet"-ness of the job caused me to have several more Braxton Hicks contractions than I'm currently used to. The lack of decent drinking liquids available (the soda machine is long gone and my dad has only been stocked Diet Pepsis lately - his drink of choice, but I can't handle the NutraSweet and on Monday, the water cooler was broken/frozen over, so that was out) made me swell up for several hours in the afternoon.

We can use the money and I really do want to help out my dad when I can. And, surprisingly, he's being great about whatever help I can give him. I think he's realizing that my body just can't handle the stress of working like I used to (and I did this for years. Often for 6-8 hour shifts with many a 10-12hour day thrown in for good measure), especially while being THIS pregnant and still having to deal with a 2-year-old both during and after working hours. He's shown concern for my physical well-being during this pregnancy, which is nice. I'm not sure he realized what women go through to grow a baby - I seriously wonder if he thought that all that they did was to "get fat," but I have been educating him with as much tact as I can (I don't go into the graphic details - he's my dad after all - but he knows a lot more now than he did 30 years ago when it was my mom enduring the discomforts!)

I agreed to cover Tuesday (why not?) and Wednesday (I have a babysitter for Fuss that day, so that takes care of SOME of the stress) mornings for him, and he has stated that he will be sure to be here to work on the house on those days that I am able to relieve that burden from him. I'm not sure what I'll do next week, as that, at least, will be in a slightly more comfortable environment (not our plant, so the temperature is much more conducive to being controlled at normal levels), but for this week, 3 days is all I can promise at this time.

I am exhausted. Truly. My legs and feet and back hurt (more so that before) and I have ZERO energy. My contractions have upped and my headaches. I want this to end.

10 on Tuesday: 7-6-10

1. If given the opportunity, would you choose a mediocre job that paid well or your dream job that paid poorly?
It would depend on a lot of factors, of course, but I think my dream job (if I ever figure out what that might be) regardless of pay. It would be nice to be fulfilled on a daily basis - feeling as if your life and work count for something. I guess you could say that being a SAHM is like that - I am regularly made aware that this is a gift - getting to spend time with my daughter, to mold her and teach her and watch her grow - and that, despite the lack of money being made, it is a precious thing.

2. What is your favorite thing about the 4th of July? (For the foreigners: What is your impression of the 4th of July?)
Can I say the food? There is something about good, american food (hot dogs, apple pie, you get the idea) and having fun w/ friends and family.

3. What’s the most random fact you know about American history?
Recently found out that President John Quincy Adams used to swim nude in the Potomac River. When a female reporter found out, she showed up on the bank of the river and sat on his clothes until he granted her an interview. This was the first interview of a President done by a female reporter.

4. What is the best fireworks display you’ve ever seen?
Several years ago, i was invited to a small gathering at a casual friends' beach condo for 4th of July. We stood out on her balcony for hours and watched a panoramic view of about 6 different fireworks shows in the distance. All the sparkle, none of the crowds, sand, or noise.

5. Who taught you how to put on makeup?
My mom and then Valerie Schaeffer, my Mary Kay consultant sort of fine-tuned it. But I'm always learning new techniques for little things both from the internet, magazines, and make-up counter make overs.

6. Have you ever gone through a financial planning process? Tell us about it.
Depending on what you mean by "financial planning process" when we found out we were pregnant the first time, my husband got inspired to get on a budget, stick with it, get us out of debt and really clean up our financial issues. We did it, too and paid off the last of our credit cards in early 2009 and have a few other debts (student loans, mortgage) that we are working on, still.

7. What was your favorite outfit as a kid? Bonus points for pictures.
No pictures, unfortunately. I remember this cute little gray and baby pink dress I had that I outgrew so my mom wouldn't let me wear it by itself anymore (I outgrew it height-wise, but it still fit everywhere else, just too short.) So I wore it over some skinny pink capri pants and I thought I was the coolest thing. I wore ankle boots and pink scrunch socks (it was the early 90's) with it and I felt very much like a dancer or something. Loved it. No idea what happened to it.

8. Do you prefer a beach, lake, swimming pool, or no water?
Swimming pool. I do not like the "dirtiness" or natural water sources for swimming, if I can avoid them.

9. Do you recycle? If not, why?
Nope. Because it seems like it is more trouble than it is worth. When we had a regular recycling pick up in our neighborhood, I was great about it. When I could drop my stuff off at the school and they would turn it all in in bulk, I was fairly good about it. But now, I have to go way out of my way to "throw away garbage" and that is so unappealing to me, so I don't bother.

10. What are your thoughts and feelings about the Twilight Saga?
I succumbed to reading it just after the 3rd book came out (for some reason the cover appealed to me in Borders one day) and I enjoyed it. I thought the character of Bella was so relateable (is that a word?) and I've liked good vampire stories since Sarah Michelle Gellar played Buffy. (big Buffy fan here - but the movie was too cheesy) I thought the 4th book was a little over the top (even by comparison to the basic storyline of vampires and werewolves in general) so I was glad it ended then. I thought the first movie was horrible (I kept apologizing to my husband for making him sit through it - and we've sat through some pretty bad movies in the past...) but the second one redeemed itself and I'm interested in the 3rd. (haven't seen it yet)

For more 10 on Tuesday, click here.

7 Quick Takes: The End of an Era

1. Today is/was my last day working at my dad's store. "My" location is closing tomorrow.

2. Twenty-two years ago, I was 8 years old and my best friend, Katie, and I hung out eating Taco Bell (as always) in the coin laundry next door, which my parents bought in conjunction with the dry cleaners. (We subsequently sold the coin laundry a couple years later and bricked up the windows and doors so that the two properties were officially separated. But in the meantime, it was a good place for a little kid or two to hang out and be out of the way, but still in view of the parents!)

3. By the time I was 9 and tall enough to reach the rails, I was allowed to occasionally work with my mom and earn a little money.

4. One summer, Katie and I dressed up in southern belle ball gowns several mornings a week (early in the day - it was HOT in those dresses, especially in the Florida summer heat!) and held a sign advertising the store and waved at the passing cars. We made $2 an hour.

5. By the time I was 12, I had regular hours there - working some Friday nights or Saturday afternoons. Katie usually worked the other shift.

6. It was where my sister and I really, truly became friends. It was also where I fell in love with my nephew when she started working part-time and bringing him with her. She was the first of us to bring the baby to work (followed by my friend Kris and eventually myself). We all had silly dreams of the kids growing up to have their first jobs there when they were old enough.

7. There are a bunch of my friends (old and current) who have had jobs there over the years, including the girls I mentioned above (Katie, Kris, and my sister), my husband, my first boyfriend, my friends Cara, Tammy, Lindsey, Nerissa, Margie, David W, Candice, and I'm probably forgetting some of them, but that's all I've got in memory right now. It holds a huge chunk of my childhood memories, my personal history, and a lot of hours of my time for the last 22 years. I will miss it and I will miss what it represents in my life.

For more Quick Takes, click here.

Tired.

I am tired. I am forever tired. Sometimes, I don't notice it until the end of the day when the husband comes home and asks, "are you okay?" and then i realize that I am TIRED. I vaguely remembered that the last time I was pregnant I was severely tired all the time, especially at the end of the day, but I had sort of forgotten how that felt. I think I remember now.

We told my sisters-in-law about the pregnancy this weekend, and there was much rejoicing. Everyone is thrilled and I was very happy to get a positive reaction this time around. Of course, anything would have been better than last time.

My sister knows now, too (she cried tears of happiness), and my grandma (so did she, but the next day confessed that she was had 2 glasses of wine and was a little tipsy and incoherent - which made a little more sense. She's not really a crier most of the time.) There are a few random people who know, but for the most part, we're not telling everyone until after my appointment next week. My dad doesn't even know yet.

My work situation is weird. I feel like there should be this big flurry of activity, this big show of things ending. But it seems to just be going on and on as usual. Feels weird. Feels like the day my mom told me she asked my dad for a divorce. I thought, "my life is forever changed, from now on," and then he came home that night and everything was the same. It seemed like it should have been this big, dramatic deal and it wasn't. I guess because I've never known I was going to leave a job with a lot of notice. Even when I left my dad the first time, it was kind of sudden - I'd given him 2 months' notice that I was GOING to leave, but then when I got the job and they wanted me to start right away, I basically showed up and said "I start Monday. this is my last day." But there are things I need to be doing to get the word out, but I don't really know where to start. I do know that about halfway through every shift, I feel like I'm wasting my time sitting there. Even today, when it was pretty steady, I felt bored by it all. I'm tired of being there, especially when I know there is no future.

I really want to take a nap. And since the Fuss is down for hers, I guess this is my chance.

One Nap

We've been fighting the one-nap days for awhile now. I've mentioned it several times in the past 6 months, doing the "here we go!" posts, only to have it fall apart days later and go back to 2 (blessed) naps. With the work schedule I keep, it guaranteed I had one nap while at home per day and I could get something done around the house (or not). What has come to fruition, is that the one nap per day falls just as I'm getting off work on work days, so I sometimes have time to run an errand (a quick one, please) or get her fed lunch (if I haven't already done so at work) before she goes down for a nap. Gone are the days of going to the mall for a few hours immediately after work, though.

It's still not perfect. She still gets so cranky in the AM that I wonder if she needs a nap. Some days, like today, I even attempt it (take off shoes, provide paci, lay her in playpen, turn off light) to try and see if that is what she really wants (no. It wasn't. She played quietly for 10 minutes with the toys she was able to reach and then called me until I came to get her)

On days when I don't have to work, though, it's helpful. I can get a LOT more done in the mornings, I can spend more time running errands and being out of the house instead of that 2-3 hour window I used to have in the middle of the day. And since it seems like there will be a lot more of those non-work days in the future, I guess that's a good thing. It's not so bad to now have a schedule where the non-work days are easier than the work days. I can handle that, I think.

And I know we'll get into a better rhythm. She likes schedules, always has. She goes through a cranky period whenever something messes with her schedule, so I'm assuming she will get past it when she is used to this new one.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have an end date for work: November 30th. Nothing has been put in writing yet, but that's what he said today, and that, at least, makes more sense than October 31st. We will have time to put together the delivery route, notify customers of our closing and get things ready for our new phase. I've already been mentally writing the letters to be spent out and posted on the door. "After 21 years, we will be closing the doors on this location..."


+++++++++++++++++++++++++

We have a Sleep Number bed. I love it. Really. It's wonderful. But every once in awhile, we have a nighttime incident involving one of our roaming dogs where they step on on the remote and the motor starts up at 3am (like last night) and it scares the whoozits out of me. Took me an hour to go back to sleep! Definitely don't like that part. And you'd think it would be hard for them to get to the remote, but somehow they manage. Very strange. Last night, my dog was on it long enough, that when I got him off it, I had to then let air OUT of the bed to make it more comfortable. Goofy dog.

Workin' For A Livin'

As i was leaving the park this morning (my morning walk w/ Jo and the kids) I watched 2 women (I'm assuming mother/daughter) and a little kid (in a stroller, around Fuss's age) walk over to the lake where the ducks hang out. The mother opened up a bag of baby snacks (looked like those yogurt melts) and dump them on the ground for the ducks. They were standing about 4 feet away (they walked right past it) from the "don't feed the animals" sign. So, in addition to wasting that much money (those packs are about $3 at Target) they were also breaking the rules. I was really miffed about that. Why is it so hard to follow the reals?

++++++++++++++++++

I arrived at work yesterday to find a sign on the door saying "Closed for Columbus Day." Would have been nice if someone had bothered to tell the girl who was supposed to OPEN that day, huh? I called my dad before I actually left again, and he told me to go ahead and open, but we weren't processing that day. He opened our main store and when I talked to him later, he informed me that he was going to close my store for good. When I asked when, he told me end of October!

We didn't get much farther in our discussion, so I don't know that many more details of his thoughts, but I am rather shocked and the speed of this decision and upset at the possibility. I'm losing my job and my income and then, I have the emotional issues of losing the place that I spent half of my childhood, the place where my nephew and my best friend's kids spent lots of time.

I cried. While I was talking to my husband, I started to get really upset. It's ironic. Starting in November, I was going to be able to pay for the groceries and toiletries out of my my paycheck and use the rest for spending money. It's not a lot, but it would have been enough to go out to dinner more often, buy some clothes occasionally, buy some presents occasionally, and possibly save some up for various projects.

There are some possibilities still open, as far as employment goes, to remain working for my dad. It won't be as easy or conveinient, no matter what. We shall have to see.

Regardless, I'm under a lot of stress. I'm not prepared for this, and it's incredibly frustrating. I'm sad to lose this place, and while I don't love my job, it's comfortable and easy for me to do without a lot of thought, and it allows me to bring Fuss with me, of course. I'm going to miss that a lot.

The Job Game

My husband's job is driving us crazy.

I imagine that at some point or another most people hate their jobs. But right now, things are really starting to come to a boil. His hours are crazy and his stress level even during regular business hours is awful. His boss routinely asks for meetings at the end of the day and keeps him well after business hours. He is salaried, so he doesn't get paid anything extra for extra time, either. He's working lots of extra hours, including work in off-hours from home, and 1-2 nights a week where he stays late, plus he mostly doesn't take a lunch break. He's done this a lot over the years, but it usually ebbs and flows - it's not constant practice, it's during a time where there are big project deadlines, etc. This has been going on for months with no end in sight.

He's stressed - there are so many projects that he is working on, both of his bosses keep piling on more and more, they have no concept of an acceptable workload or reasonable deadlines.

I am stressed because he is stressed. When he comes home, I often reflect his mood, so when he is in a dour mood, one comes over me. I try and stop that, but the longer he is grumpy, the grumpier I get, too.

And on days when I'm already stressed? Him coming home later and later just makes me crazy. The Fuss tends to start to freak out around 5:30. His usual coming home time is about 6, but it's been closer to 7 several nights this week. More than an hour of her wailing and whining really gets to me.

He's been looking for another job off and on for months, but he hasn't gotten any calls. There just aren't a lot of openings right now - in any field, I guess. We know it's a bad time to be job searching - everyone is scaling back, lots of companies are losing employees to attrician if not actually laying people off. So despite his degree and his pretty decent number of years of experience, we're getting nothing.

We're praying about it, but it's so hard to wait on the Lord. We're even willing to take a pay cut, but there are limits to that, too.

It's really hard to wait and have no control about it.

Everything she ever wanted...

This past week my best friend called me up to tell me her good news. She got the teaching job she had been wanting, at the school she wanted, and she's guaranteed not to have any of the little monsters she had this past semester when she was thrust into a classroom full of troubled 2nd graders half way through January.

I am very happy for her.

We are the same age. Born approximately 3 months apart. She has been working on her degree off and on the entire time we have been good friends (we've known each other since age 15, but didn't really start liking each other until we graduated high school). She is married with 2 kids. And now she has was is essentially her dream job. She has (nearly) everything she has wanted for as long as I've known her. (at least goals-wise - married: check, kids: check, career: check)

Last weekend, as I mentioned, I went to the wedding of my oldest friend. Cherry has her master's degree and is working in her desired field and loves her job with a passion. She recently decided to return to FL from the Chicago area and easily found a job that she is fairly sure she will love. She just got married to a really nice man and they plan to wait a year or so before trying to have children. She had a dream wedding that probably cost more than the down payment we put on our house (which was pretty significant, thanks to a gift from my dad.) She seems sublimely happy. (education: check, career/dream-job: check, married: check).

I have the most wonderful husband in the world. (You may argue, claim that YOUR husband is the best, and I may nod and smile, but I secretly know that mine is the absolute best.) My daughter is beautiful, healthy, entertaining and while she sometimes drives me up a wall, I wouldn't trade her for the world.

But I don't have a job or career that I love. I don't even know what it would be if I were to be given the opportunity to have such a thing. I have an associates degree in graphic design, which I really enjoyed getting, but I haven't used my skills in so long, I'm not sure I'd know how to if you pointed me towards a well-stocked computer and told me to create something lovely.

I wonder sometimes if my life is missing something. The women's lib movement tells us we can have it all - career, family, etc. I don't. I have my family and I love them, but a career? Not even close.

When I was a kid, I imagined myself with a career. For a very long time, I wanted to be a teacher. I was very focused on that. Then I discovered writing (and Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman) and I wanted to be a reporter (or more accurately, Lois Lane). When I discovered during my freshman year that being Lois Lane wasn't even remotely realistic (and why would I want to without Clark Kent, really?) I switched around to other majors and ultimately ended up with Graphic Design. I enjoyed my course work. I enjoyed learning to create pretty things, etc. I had a couple of short-term jobs in the field and then went to work for an advertising agency (which had been my goal in school), but as the Office Manager instead of a designer/ art director.

I always knew I'd end up married, with children. But it was sort of in that "I'm going to be a _________. And of course I'll get married and have kids, too" sort of way.

So sometimes I look at my life and wonder how did I end up here, as a SAH mom? It's not really a bad thing. I love being able to be home with her, not having to deal with my insane boss, etc. But I wonder, am I missing something? Will I look back in 50 years and wonder what became of my life? Or will I know that I was where I was supposed to be all this time.

I often feel as if I'm missing something, but I don't know what. Maybe it's another kid... Maybe it's a chance to socialize and DO something outside my home... Maybe it's the desire to leave a mark on the world somehow... Maybe it's a really fantastic shoe collection...

Money, money and less money

A finance-related post (mostly).

We’re doing this budget thing – the Dave Ramsey system involving a budget and steps and most of all envelopes earmarked for the usual expenses. I think it’s brought our random spending down quite a bit. I haven’t really been paying close attention to our debt going down, though I know most of our furniture is paid off, and the cards and student loans are being paid regularly, etc. It’s sometimes frustrating – I get so sick of cooking/cleaning and want to just go out to dinner (even something extraordinarily cheap) where other people do the dishes, but we budgeted and bought our meals for the week, so that’s a no-no. We’ve been going to my mom’s each week for dinner because we budget that way. Sometimes it’s a productive evening (last week he showed them how to use their website he designed for them, this week she and I are going to pour over her maternity medical books for details she’s long since forgotten about labor and delivery), sometimes not, but overall a good time is had by all and we don’t have to spend $ or clean up dishes.

Because of the budget, we’re able to more clearly see our monthly financial situation and what our options for post-baby are as far as my working and how much and where. Neither of us really wants me to return to my current employer. I’ve been given a head’s up on openings in a national company’s credit headquarters in Tampa. Mr. Moose’s boss’s wife works there as a supervisor and with her reference, I could easily get a job there. It would mean a longer commute (by quite a bit), but more money per hour and really great benefits for me, the baby and Mr. Moose if he chooses to drop his old plan and get on mine. (We would supplement his, but mine and the baby’s would be no cost after the first 90 days. He already supplements his at his current place of employment, and this would be cheaper). But I’d lose 6 of my 12 weeks of maternity leave and I’d be forced to leave work pre-due date in order to not risk the commute if I went into labor, etc. (Did I mention that I’m less than 10 minutes away from the hospital if I stay where I am now? That’s a good 25-45 minutes closer than home depending on traffic. If I were to go to work in Tampa, I’d be close to an hour away depending on the bridges, etc.) I think we’ve decided to not have me go for this job until after the baby is born, if we do decide it’s best.

It’s the insurance that kills us. To add both Kremit and me to Mr. Moose’s plan would nearly cut his take-home pay in half. I have to find alternate insurance, that’s really all there is to it.

I had always assumed that I would have to return to work after Kremit was born – we have too many student loans to pay off for me to stay home, though we can easily get household expenses down to just his salary. (and we mostly do). But recently, in talking about the possibility of not returning to work, or at least not returning full-time, I’m now bummed that I can’t do it that way.

We’re still looking at options: that medical transcription thing is still on the table and I recently thought about seeing if I could return to my current employer part-time for a few months at least (though I haven’t voiced this thought to anyone). I’ve requested that I have the chance SOON to sit down w/ my bosses to discuss my maternity leave details. I also want to see if there is a way that I can convince them, just this once, to allow me to roll my accrued vacation time past December, seeing as we know exactly WHEN I will be using it, early on in the following year.

Wish me luck.

Work rant and plastic issues

Do “real” parents worry about packing their kids lunches in Ziploc baggies? Seriously? My mom never did and she’s pretty environmentally conscious. Maybe there is some new info out there that I haven’t seen, I’m just trying hard to picture my mom (or myself) getting worked up over tossing my pretzel stick snacks or grapes or whatever into a Ziploc instead of something “safer” and reusable. I’ve heard the thing about not microwaving plastic, and, okay, maybe – but for basic stuff? I’m so confused! More research to do, I guess, but I’m having trouble getting behind this being an issue. Maybe when my child is born my sense of safety will change or something?

I just learned that my vacation time will not carry over into next calendar year. I had been carefully hoarding my nearly 2 weeks of PTO all summer long, despite the fact that Mr. Moose has nearly a month coming to him and we could have, in fact, taken a vacation. When I began here, nearly 3 years ago it was unclearly explained and my review of the employee manual fed that assumption that while sick time doesn’t roll over, vacation time does. Ironically, I am the benefits specialist at our company now and have explained it improperly to many of our current employees as well. They pay 50% if you cash out in December your remaining time, but they want to clear the books for the year, so they won’t roll it over. This gives me 2 months to use or lose my vacation time and I am TICKED. I was planning to use that time for the early part of my maternity leave. There is no way I can accrue very much time in 2 months (13 hours, approximately is the total of what I will have if I go into labor on my due date while sitting at work), which is going to put an even bigger financial strain on us during my maternity leave. What really frosts my cookies is that if you quit, they pay you in full for your accrued time off – not 50%. They’re treating ex-employees better than current ones. I’m stressed and ticked off and Mr. Moose is now more than ready to get me out of here. We’re going to test run in November what life would be like without my income (we’ll sock it all away for baby expenses and the like) and I’m discussing my options for other work, etc.).

I know most people rarely ever feel like they are paid what they are worth – I truly don’t even have a number in mind for a salary that would make me feel like I was getting paid what I am worth – I’ve never bothered to try and figure it out and I know I create a lot of down time for myself because I have trouble focusing for long periods of time on one thing. (and I like it that way) But lately, I feel that not only don’t they want to PAY me even close to what I’m worth (for example, there is only one person at the office that has been here longer than me – their first employee when the company began under it’s current ownership/name 5 years ago. I am also the LOWEST paid person in the entire company – which includes the girl they hired to replace my old position who does less than I do and has an attendance problem), but they don’t respect the amount of work I do, the amount of info that I have on their company and what they would do without me. Seriously, the President of the company’s favorite phrase lately seems to be “Mrs. Moose can do it.” (Of course, he doesn’t call me Mrs. Moose, but you get my point.) If I were to stick it to them and walk out (as Mr. Moose as suggested a few times), they seriously would be up a creek. Even if I took my two weeks notice to write out the info that would need to be passed on – I’d run out of time to do it. I remember trying to do that for my old position replacement – and she was only taking 1/5 of my jobs – the info took 5 pages! I don’t know what they’re going to do when I’m on maternity leave - I seriously expect multiple phone calls over my 12 weeks off.

Daycare details (sort of)

Heather at Unexplain This did a post to day about her daycare option/choice which inspired me to write about ours. I think I’ve mentioned it previously, in passing, but I’ll talk about it more depth today, especially after Heather made me think about details I’d never considered before.

My friend M has a home daycare. She has 2 adorable children (her oldest, a daughter was one of my flower girls at my wedding) ages 4 and 2 and she is due to have her 3rd child approximately 2 months before me. I’ve known M for eons, and her husband, A has been a good friend of mine for even longer (I sang at their wedding – A is like my big brother). I trust M completely, I know there is no risk of odd or strange people being invited over to her house (other than her friends, who since many of them are my friends too, I can say they’re “safely” weird). M raises her children very similarly to the way I plan to raise my child/children. And I’m thrilled at the opportunity to have her 3rd child and mine, who will be very close to the same age growing up together. M has a history being a professional nanny for two families in the area and has had a host of kids in her daycare in the last few years. (She gave up nannying when her son was born since bringing 2 children along to someone else’s house was much more difficult). I even remember shopping with her (at Christmas time, when she was 9 month pregnant and her daughter was about 18 months and needed to be distracted) to get the final supplies for setting up her daycare.

On the other hand, I’m a little jealous that Heather gets to take her child to a daycare center where they have such stringent guidelines regarding cleanliness, etc. M has 2 cats and a dog, and while they are very well-behaved and I never see evidence of their natural animal mess laying around, I pray that my baby doesn’t get her father’s cat hair allergies!

I’m also still actively seeking other options for the baby – like me working from home so I don’t have to deal with daycare at all. I have a feeling it’s a pipe dream, as my mom just gave me some info regarding the medical transcriptionist possibility that may have shot it out of the water. More research to be done, but I’m getting more and more discouraged.

Weird dreams, work stuff, wanting to move on...

I had weird dreams over the weekend about feeding the baby. The weirdest one included the baby being a few days old and waking up for a middle of the night feeding and one of us forgetting that we were breast-feeding and giving the baby formula that we have on hand (we’ve got a bunch of samples around) and my milk not coming in because we had just skipped a few breast-feedings. And then, when we DID finally get it to come in, it started spurting everywhere – even when the baby wasn’t sucking. It was leaking like a pressurized water balloon – in three places (not where it should have been) like 3 streaming leaks. It was freaky.

We spent the evening on Saturday at K and M’s house having dinner and playing games. Their 4-year-old son LOVES Mr. Moose and was jumping all over him all evening. I think maybe Mr. Moose may have caught his cold because he seems to be sick now (the hours of horrendous snoring would prove it) and I was up half the night. I remember seeing 3:30 and then 5:00, so I did get over an hour of uninterrupted sleep, but tonight if it continues, one of us will be sleeping in the guest room. I have begun my Zicam treatments to stave off the germs for me and the baby. I am a terrible sick person and without the help of drugs, I imagine it will be worse (I know there are a few things I can take, and will likely try them all, but you never know).

I had a weird fainting spell over the weekend. I’m accustomed to fainting in reaction to pain, and this was similar to that, minus the pain. I was cleaning in the dining room and started to feel “funny.” I said so to Mr. Moose and he said “like how?” I informed him at that point that I sort of felt like I had to faint and that my vision was starting to go dark (the indicator to me typically that I was about to lose consciousness) he came over, put his arm around me and it kept getting darker around me. I felt my knees give out and lost consciousness for about 30 seconds during which time he slowly lowered me to the floor. By the time I was all the way on the floor, I was conscious again and feeling hot and clammy, but overall, not bad. Some water and breakfast seemed to stabilize me and I’ve not really been overly concerned since. I learned this morning when I called the doctor’s office to report the incident that I could have called and talked to the doctor on call over the weekend (no one has given me any instructions regarding anything of the sort – I’m starting to think the only good thing about this practice is it’s proximity to my office and my wonderful Nurse Practitioner who has little to do with me now that I’m pregnant (she doesn’t deliver babies). My mother is concerned about the lack of attention paid to my weak vagal nerve issue (the faint in response to pain is caused by this) and wants me to get more adamant about it in the future.

In other news, I am still having multiple problems dealing with a certain employee at work. I’m beginning to think she is evil. Most of my co-workers would agree, it’s only the 2 bosses who think she’s fine. Of course. I’m currently at the point at work though, that I’m feeling like I can’t do anything right. I’m so sick of this woman in general and all of the crazy stuff going down in our office lately, that I may be ready to move on.

Mr. Moose and I have been discussing options for extra income (beyond his) once the baby has arrived. I’m going to start more seriously looking into work-from-home typing type jobs. My mom’s next-door neighbor has done work as a medical transcriptionist from home for decades (well before the internet made it incredibly popular to work from home, etc.) and I may look into that. I’m a strong typist and I really don’t want to risk doing a phone job from home with the baby possibly crying in the background. I plan to go talk to the neighbor about it, see if she has any feedback or tips for getting started, etc. Mr. Moose was pleasantly surprised that I had given it so much thought, as I’ve always indicated that despite the rough patches, I’m overall very happy with my job. Which has been true. In the past. But I think I’m over it.

I like the social aspects of working in an office – I’m a very social person, so I don’t think working from home will become my ultimate stop once the baby is older, etc. but I’m willing to see what it will take to do the best thing for my family and I’m ready to be done with this place, I think. We shall see what happens.

Boring update, but at least i finally did it!

This is the third post I’ve started in about a week. They have all been a list of complaints and I decided not to bother posting them. However…
This week (Monday, primarily) we rearranged the office I work in. We’re talking about 1800 square ft. with an assortment of various office and cubical spaces. We moved 3 people in and moved nearly everyone else around. I was in charge of coordinating the move and the movers. I’m tired. I’m typically ready to go home every day at 3:00. I tried to get a bit of a nap in today during my lunch break, and it may have helped. I still want to go home, but at least I don’t feel as if I’m nodding off. I now have an office w/ a door that is not made of glass and so when I close it, it affords some privacy.

The morning sickness has been worse this week, and now I’m wondering if my progesterone supplements were actually helping to control my morning sickness instead of contributing to it. Ah well.

Next Monday I have a Dr.’s appointment and we should be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I’m very excited. Of course, the appointment is at an ungodly hour of 7:30 am, but I shall survive.

9 Pieces of things we happen to have in our pockets

Terrible blogger here! I have been so busy at work lately; I haven’t had time to post. Even my after-work life has been hectic. My oldest SIL has been in town all week and we’ve been trying to squeeze time with her in with our regular activities.

Some highlights of my week included:

Eating out nearly every night. We did dinner at PF Chang’s and Joto’s (a favorite local pizza joint) with my in-laws and sushi w/ Mr. Wally. It was good to see Mr. Wally – it’s been a long time. Wally was Mr. Moose’s best man at the wedding, his former pseudo-boss at the photo shop and a great guy all around. Wally’s son, Dave, used to work for me at the cleaners and is a fellow geek. (In case you’re curious, Wally is probably a good 20 years older than Mr. Moose and I – he has 2 kids, both teens and is living the life of a single dad.) He told us about the changes he’s been making in his life lately – primarily financially. He’s switched to the Dave Ramsey system and is getting rid of all his debt. He was encouraging us (gently – he’s not a preacher) to do the same.

Ovulating! Finally! On CD 18 I ovulated rendering this cycle not a complete waste.

Training in the accounting department at work. Our temporary bookkeeper is none so wonderful, so I’ve been learning the billing process and attempting to get this woman trained and the billing out as soon as possible. Our goal is usually the 10th (for those keeping score at home – tomorrow), which isn’t going to happen, but I’m hoping for the right week at least.

Filling in in the media department. With our media director gone, my boss has no one to turn to to do all the “dirty work” in the media department. In addition to the data entry I’ve been having to do to get all the billing done, I’ve been researching media reps and doing budget analysis.

Seeing Pirates 3 for the second time. Mr. Moose and I took SIL to the Pirates movie on Friday. A much improved answer to the second one, which we weren’t crazy about. Some great stuff. Gotta love that Johnny Depp.

Having what I’m assuming is hormonal headaches. Began Friday night and then off and on on Saturday. Sunday I woke up fine, but as the early part of the morning wore on, I began to feel nauseous and then my head began to pound. It was so bad, I returned to bed and sent Mr. Moose to church without me. There was no way I was going to be able to handle the music with my head as it was. I’m still feeling it in the background, but it’s become more of a functional headache as the afternoon began. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed the pattern before, but the fact that it started to be a problem the same day I got my first high temps tells me that it’s probably a reaction to the progesterone. Don’t quote me on that, though – I got my MD from Google. ☺

I’m hoping to be a more dedicate blogger in the near future. Thank you to the readers who have stayed with me

I Can't Get Started

Over the weekend, Mr. Moose and I went to my BFF, K’s house for a birthday dinner for K. Our other usual couple, M (who we have been planning to watch our baby when I return to work when the time comes) and A were there with their 2 kids, Savannah and Drew. K’s kids, Dylan and Cam were there as well (Cam is 4 months old so he didn’t play much) of course and the 3 older kids (2 are 4, 1 is 2.5) kept each other entertained. M informed me that she was expecting her third in January. The grief hit me like a brick. I wasn’t expecting it and I was floored. I congratulated her, of course, and I am thrilled for her, but I couldn’t help my emotions. Thankfully, I was able to keep from crying or reacting in any way negative. I was quiet, but was able to chalk that up to being tired. It was a good night, but it hurt so bad to think about.
There is more to it than just seeing a pregnant woman. K and I have been friends since we graduated high school. I’ve been friends with M’s husband A for what seems like forever. He was my sister’s friend and became mine. I’m also good friends with M’s brother (or I was a long time ago). When M and A got married they started hanging out with their “couple” friends and as I was not married at the time, I was not included. A few years later K and M (too many initials!) got married and they started hanging out with the “couples.” Right after K and M got married they got pregnant. M and A got pregnant around that time as well (Savannah and Dylan are something like 5 weeks apart in age). This forged their friendship since they were then bonding over motherhood. Long story short, (too late) I have always wanted to be pregnant with one of my other friends. I jokingly begged K not to get PG with her second until I was ready to have one and secretly hoped that M wouldn’t get PG with her 3rd until after I was. Now my sister and M are both pregnant, and I’m left out.

My oldest SIL is staying with us for a week. When we returned home from the party she was there and I just needed some down time. I sat down to chat on the message board I frequent. Mr. Moose got a little miffed when I closed the computer when he tried to read it, but I wanted to get my feelings down before anyone read them. Once I told him what I was writing about and how upset I had been, he was incredibly understanding. He held me while I cried and even cried with me a little. I worry sometimes that he’s going to get frustrated with my emotional reactions to TTC and give up or whatever.

I have not yet Oed and this is CD 16. I’m guessing annovulatory this month and I’m attributing it to the stress of the last several weeks. I’ve also self-diagnosed myself as having a luteal phase defect/low progesterone. I’ve come to this conclusion after reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I have short luteal phases (10-12 days) and they always include break through bleeding around 6 or 7 DPO. This makes me wonder if I am conceiving, how can the fertilized egg implant if my lining is already starting to disintegrate? I’ve made an appointment to see my WunderDoc for the 21st of June to see what can be done. I’m considering trying Natural progesterone cream on my own, but I’m nervous about taking hormones of any sort without medical advise. I guess I could talk to my mom about it. But she doesn’t seem to know a lot of details about fertility stuff.

Work is tough these days. 2 of the 3 people I assist quit suddenly within a week of each other and I'm attempting to cover for them both without knowing the details of either of their jobs (I did a lot of paper work and administrative work for them, busy work mostly). It's exhausting. And several of my co-workers think that I might get promoted to Media person if they can't find someone soon. That terrifies me.

The title today was in a conversation between Mr. Moose and myself today when we were finding it difficult to get moving this morning. It was the title of a season finale (second season, i think) of a Gilmore Girls episode, which was named after an Ella Fitzgerald song. Sookie walked down the aisle to it.

Out Damn Spot.

So late last night I had some spotting. Darn it. And I realized that TODAY was CD 27, not yesterday.

I’ve had spotting for several days off and on leading up to my period for the last few cycles at least (mostly since I’ve gotten off birth control), so there is still a chance that my cycle will be longer this time. And my temp is dipping but it’s not below coverline yet.

I remember thinking yesterday that there was nothing “special” about this month – why would I be blessed THIS month? And then I thought “Why not? People get pregnant at random times all the time. Unwanted pregnancies happen all over the place. Unplanned pregnancies (I differentiate between unwanted and unplanned) happen all the time. I know several couples who have gotten pregnant “on accident” but are thrilled about it. Why does it have to special?” And then 45 minutes later I got the spotting.

I’m damn disappointed. I was really starting to get excited at the prospect of being pregnant.

And we haven’t really been truly trying for that long, so I don’t know why I’m getting so crazy. I guess this cycle has just been kinda stressful with the weird sleep and temperatures patterns. A week ago I was ready to scrap the cycle and just say we’ll try it next month.

So, why a week later am I so incredibly bummed? Hope is an awful, awful thing.

Work today sucks, too. Anyone ever hear of the St. Petersburg Grand Prix? It’s going on outside my window. (not that I have a window, but some of my co-workers do). SO downtown is a crazy, crazy place to be and half of my coworkers wrangled tickets out of clients so they skipped out at lunch. It’s too quiet, I’m really bummed and I really don’t want to be here.

Ugh.

I’ve been on vacation and then dealing officially with the new job and training the new person for my old one, so I profusely apologize to anyone who has been reading and has not had any updates. I’ve probably lost any readers I had gained, but hey – a girl can only do so much.

On the fertility front: No clue what is going on. My temperatures have been all over the place and I’m on day 18. Last month, I only had a 26 day cycle, so I can just imagine what my body is doing. Right now, fertility friend tells me that I’m “probably fertile” but hasn’t yet marked that I’ve ovulated. We did our best to go crazy and have lots of sex while on vacation and every other day since then, so I suppose there is a chance, but I’m not holding my breath for this month. I wish I had a better idea of what was going on – whether I’m malfunctioning for no reason at all or whether I have a cyst as I initially thought last month. At what point do you go in and get that checked out if you think this is the case? Am I supposed to wait my 12 months of trying and not conceiving if I think there is a cyst problem at the beginning? Am I just a hypochondriac?

My SIL is not pregnant. When I heard that, I was both saddened for her and relieved for myself. I really didn’t want to be the second one pregnant, especially if there is a chance it will be soon. I don’t want to deal with the “you copied me” issue. Since she was some 40+ days into her cycle, they were giving her a hormone to induce her period. I took a chance and sent her an email to give her warning about what I’ve heard on that topic – that the periods are rough, worse than usual, etc. In a following email I also made some research suggestions to her. I told her about fertility friend (though according to what she has told Mr Moose, she doesn’t want to temp because it will just stress her out – to me, not having any clue what my cycle is doing would stress me more, but to each her own) and BabyCenter.com. I didn’t want to mention any of my infertility blogs yet – don’t want her to freak out that I’m assuming she’s infertile, etc.

Had some awkward news at work today that I can’t seem to put into words. I’m scared that I may lose my job soon. This of course, severely stresses me – and pisses me off all at the same time. Anybody ever want to sabotage their job on their way out the door? Not typically my style, but at this point, I’d really like to see what they’d do with out me. I have so much knowledge of this company in my head that it would be difficult for them if I left without notice.

Anyhow, I should get back to work. Things are stressful, but for now I’m still gainfully employed and should make the most of it.