I am feeling really screwed up right now.
My sister-in-law graduated yesterday. I'm so happy for her, but I can't help but be a little jealous. She's got the whole world of opportunity in front of her. She has nothing keeping her back. She has no man, no kids, no house payment. Seriously, she has a million choices right now and in contrast, I'm feeling SO boxed in. I'm feeling like I'm stuck in this one place, one path and I've got real choices in front of me at all.
Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and I love my husband more than I can possibly say, but right now I feel like my life is simply going to move in the same pattern day after day, week after week for the next 10 years or more. And right now, that is a very bad thing. I am trapped in the house day after day - I can't go out because almost every activity involves spending money and there is no wiggle room right now.
I know I'm being dramatic when I say this, but I feel like I never see my friends, rarely have adult time, and I feel like I'm not even that great of a mom. I feel like I'm treading water and I have no idea when that might end. You know how you can do anything for 15 minutes? Or how when you're going through something, when you know there is an end, it's like you can just put your head down and get through it? There is no end in sight. I have no idea when my life might change in any way.