I am feeling really screwed up right now.
My sister-in-law graduated yesterday. I'm so happy for her, but I can't help but be a little jealous. She's got the whole world of opportunity in front of her. She has nothing keeping her back. She has no man, no kids, no house payment. Seriously, she has a million choices right now and in contrast, I'm feeling SO boxed in. I'm feeling like I'm stuck in this one place, one path and I've got real choices in front of me at all.
Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and I love my husband more than I can possibly say, but right now I feel like my life is simply going to move in the same pattern day after day, week after week for the next 10 years or more. And right now, that is a very bad thing. I am trapped in the house day after day - I can't go out because almost every activity involves spending money and there is no wiggle room right now.
I know I'm being dramatic when I say this, but I feel like I never see my friends, rarely have adult time, and I feel like I'm not even that great of a mom. I feel like I'm treading water and I have no idea when that might end. You know how you can do anything for 15 minutes? Or how when you're going through something, when you know there is an end, it's like you can just put your head down and get through it? There is no end in sight. I have no idea when my life might change in any way.
Wow, I feel like I could have written this post. I feel like this SO much of the time. I LOVE being a SAHM and I LOVE my hubby, but am dreading him going back to work--he's been off since Bro was born--He leaves the house at 5:30am, gets home at 7pm, exhausted and grumpy. I'm exhausted & grumpy when he gets home, or I was when I only had the girls, so I'm terrified of how it's goign to be with 3 and being alone that long. It was hard to get out with the 2 girls at just 3 and 22 months. I'm thinking I'm going to be a prisioner in my house with the kids, that my hubby and I are going to have no relationship at all or have a horrible relationship. It's just a stressful time, happy time and crazy time. I can't go out to places that cost either :(
ReplyDeleteGlad to know I'm not the only one!
I have been where you are and my SAHM mom situation was always temporary. I give SAHM's a ton of credit and praise. It is so hard to always be with your kids- 24/7. You love them and would protect them with your life, but let's face it- they are still highly irrational little beings.
ReplyDeleteAs you may or may not know I used the Y to my full advantage. Both of your kids are old enough to go to their babysitting room or 'kids club' as our Y puts it while you get alone time and a work out in. I don't know if you have any decent Y's near you but that's one suggestion. Even if you have never been a 'gym person' that 1.5-2 hrs on your own feels REALLY good, along with a shower after a hard work out where you don't have a 3 year old asking you all kinds of questions or whining? Priceless.
At the very least see if you can do a kid swap with a good friend. You take her kids for two hours on say Tuesday and then she takes yours for two hours on Thursday. Your DH works long hours so you are doing a lions share of the work. You need to get creative and carve out some time for you.
Hang in there, you are doing a really great job. Your children will one day thank you for being home with them. The love and security that they have with you, cannot be matched by any daycare provider.
That kid swap idea sounds great. Even the days when you have all the kids might be better than "normal" days since there will be kids for yours to play with.
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