Friday, February 18, 2011

What would you do for some quiet?

(This started out as my 300 words assignment for my writing group, due this weekend. It ended up being my blog post instead, since I know my fellow writers don't want to read my lamentations.)

Have you ever just wanted to throw in the towel? Have you ever had the thought that you kind of wish something would befall you so that you could just step out of your life for a little bit? Sometimes I find myself wishing for a nervous breakdown so that I could be locked in a mental ward for a week and get a break.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. My husband is a jewel and my kids are beautiful and amazing. But sometimes, I just need some space and somehow, that seems impossible.

I don't recall ever wanting or craving silence before I had kids, but now I find myself begging my toddler to be quiet for just 2 minutes so I can enjoy the silence. Right now, I'd gladly pay a hundred bucks to get a hotel room for the night and just be by myself – nobody wanting anything of me, nobody able to disturb my peace. And what's crazy is that I am this incredibly social person who ALWAYS wants to do stuff with something. The couple of times that I've actually had a few hours to myself over the last 3 years, I don't know what to do or where to go because I'm like “but who can I talk to?” But right now, all I want is some quiet. Some peace. And a night of uninterrupted sleep.

What would you do with a night to yourself?

I would go to a hotel room, check in, throw the “Do Not Disturb” sign up and open a bottle of wine. I'd run myself a hot bath and sink in with my wine glass perched on the edge of the tub and my Kindle in hand, I'd get lost in a story, drink my wine, relax, and stay there until the water got cold. I'd get out, put on my most comfy pajamas, and sprawl across the bed. I'd either continue to read my book or turn on the television. I'd snack on something yummy and comforting, drink another glass of wine until I'd grown bored with either the TV or book or both and then I'd turn off the lights and sleep. I would sleep the blissful sleep of a mother who knows that her children cannot wake her up. (If that required some form of medicinal intervention, then so be it.)

I'd be happy to return to my family the next day, don't get me wrong. But honestly, I feel like if I don't get some time away soon, I might crack.

I have spent more hours in my house in the last 4 weeks than I can count. For some reason, my former desire to leave the house daily has been replaced by apathy. It's just too much damn trouble to pack up two kids and leave the house. And where would I go anyway? I'm trying desperately not to spend any more money than necessary, I have no stay-at-home friends anymore, certainly none that I am comfortable just “dropping by” on.

Sometime around the time that Fuss was born, I read a book about a mom who had a nervous breakdown after having a baby. I remember understanding her thoughts and feelings – becoming a mom for the first time is overwhelming! - but I now, I actually think about the situation she was in – how she actually checked herself into a mental ward for a few days in order to get her medications regulated, etc. - and I think “I wonder if I could do that?”

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time! Everyone has those feelings; you're not alone! Can you take a weekend away with Chuck? You can probably get a good deal at a hotel just over on St. Pete Beach or something, just to get away for a couple days, and someone could watch the kids? Caroline would be welcome for a sleepover ...