Charting a course - or not.

The first time I was trying to get pregnant and discovered charting, I was ecstatic. A way to know what was going on in my cycle every day? How awesome is that? I was faithful to my temperature taking and rarely missed a day, and then, only in extreme circumstances.

But this time around? That's another story.

I am struggling to remember to take my temperature every day. It has something to do with not waking up at the same time every day - I work 3 days a week, so i get up early those days and sleep in the others. My night schedule is different, too. I used to go to bed at 10:00 every night and sleep until waking time. Now that I have a toddler, that changes. (Like last night when I was up until almost midnight dealing with her middle-of-the-night clingyness.) I am just not doing so hot this month. Add to the daily schedule things the health problems I've had over the last couple weeks and I'm just all messed up in the charting.

I don't know how I feel about it. Part of me wants to just "let it happen" now that I know I'm ovulating. But part of me thinks I'll stress more if I don't know what's happening. I wish I was one of those extra fertile types who gets pregnant when her husband looks at her cross-eyed. :)

Moving on.

A friend gave me a gift certificate to TJ Maxx for my birthday and I finally had a few minutes today to go check out what they had to offer. I was hoping for a new purse - a friend of mine went to the Coach outlet last weekend and spent a couple hundred bucks on a new bag + and I'm having new purse envy. I certainly wasn't expecting Coach, something a little stylish would have been nice.

Unfortunately, my gift certificate didn't go as far as I would have liked and I couldn't find a purse that I a) liked and b) coupld afford.

But I digress.

I continued to look around a bit - checked out the households and the little girl clothes. I was walking through the kids toys section when I spotted this tiny little baseball mit and ball set. I kinda got choked up standing in the middle of the store. When we first were trying to have a baby - before The Fuss was born - I had planned to tell Daddy Fuss he was going to be a daddy by giving him a tiny baseball mit. (His family has always been a bit baseball obsessed. He and all three of his sisters played at all levels until they graduated high school, his dad coached, his mom served on the little leage board, etc.) But since we were together when I took the test, I didn't get to do one of those sweet little surprises. I kind of always figured I would do something like that when we had another one.

And this morning, I started the heavy spotting after a low temperature, so it won't be this month.

I don't know how to explain my emotions. I'm disappointed, sure. I'm a little sad. But intellectually, I know that we've only been trying for 2 cycles and I really shouldn't be that upset about another BFN. Two months is nothing. We tried for longer than that for The Fuss, so it's not terribly surprising that it didn't happen immediately this time around, either.

But each time I get my period? I get that wave of sadness and disappointment and I can't shake it for a little while.

But we go on. We'll have another month of a lot of lovemaking and we'll really enjoy the process, regardless of whether or not it produces the desired result. :)

O, O, it's magic...

I had a very vivid dream last night. I dreamed that my sister was here and suggested that I might be pregnant. (I keep having this thought due to some random symptoms, but I've had my period and all that, so I'm pretty confidant that I am not), but she convinced me to test (in my dream) and so I did. It came up positive, but I didn't believe it. So I took another, different brand, test. And that one was positive, too. But I still felt I needed to be sure and took another brand, too and they were all positive! The clearest part of my dream now was getting a hug from my sister in my bathroom with her congratulating me on being pregnant.

I am really looking forward to my sister being around a little more this time around. Last time I was trying to get pregnant, she ended up pregnant with her 4th child and was scared to tell me, but she said I was really the only one she wanted to tell. I was thrilled for her and when I called her when she was back over seas to tell her my news she cried so hard! Our daughters are about 4 months apart, which is pretty cool. I know she's not going to be here all the time, since she's living a state away right now, but even still! I'm very happy that she'll be around a bit.

When I woke up this morning and my temp had finally gone up, I was very happy. I don't really believe in signs, since it's never worked out that well for me in the past (I can find a sign in anything) but I'm hopeful. Daddy Fuss suggested a quickie, just to get one more try in, and he set The Fuss up in her high chair, turned on Curious George and gave her some breakfast. I'm afraid our quickie didn't turn out so quick - I think Daddy Fuss was distracted by her gibberish in the next room, but all in all, it was a nice way to start a morning! :)

Who knows what the next couple of weeks will hold? I'm hopeful, but then, I'm always hopeful. I'm ready to have a baby. I'm really ready to be pregnant.

Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full...

I took a pregnancy test this morning. Negative.

I was way more bummed about that than I thought I'd be. Sometime in the middle of the night I started truly thinking it was possible, even probable. So the let down was kind of bad.

I reviewed my pre-pregnancy charts and discovered that my memory was flawed as far as my non-hormone driven cycles. The length was significantly shorter than I had remembered. They averaged closer to 27 days. So this 31+ day cycle is confusing me. I probably just didn't ovulate, but I guess I need to review Taking Charge of Your Fertility to read more about anovulatory cycles.

More later...

Juggling 2

I've been babysitting today. I was asked to watch my best friend's youngest when a schedule conflict came up in their family. I didn't want to. I really didn't want to, but in the end, I decided it wouldn't be that bad (we didn't know how long initially - whether until 6PM or 2 - you get the idea) and it might be an intersting challenge for me. Her son, C, is 13 months older than The Fuss and I figured, if I can handle the two of them, then I can handle her and a baby, right?

My biggest concern was The Nap. The Fuss has a very regular nap schedule (goes down between 9:30 and 10AM and again between 2:30 and 3:15) and C only does one, that varies, but averages starting around 12:30. Yeah. I was pretty afraid that I wasn't going to get ANY down time, but I've scored a few minutes and I just got the call that she is on the way home. Even if C wakes up soon, I'm still feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

I wonder sometimes - usually on the bad days - how am I ever going to handle 2 of them at the same time? And while I'd say The Fuss is a little high maintenance, she's actually pretty good about the usual things. (She's really just a bit of a Drama Queen - she usually sleeps well and eats well, etc.) But what if the next baby isn't? What if he/she is refluxy and can't be put down to sleep and cries 24/7? I know it comes down to "I'll handle it" but there are still these concerns.

In related news, I am on CD30. I honestly have no idea what to expect - I think my longest cycle pre-pregnancy was 32 days, but usually more like 29. I've had no more spotting since Sunday, so if there is still no more sign of the coming Crimson Wave then I'll test some time this week. I have no sore chest, no utter fatigue (beyond what I've been feeling for weeks) but I can't remember when those symptoms hit last time.

The other thing is, I may not have Oed. I don't know. This is what happens when you don't temp and you only sporadically check your CM. Ah well. We shall see, huh? Maybe God has something in store for me other than drinking at my birthday party. :)

Life is What Happens ...

Sunday night at 3am (so, really Monday morning) I got up to go to the restroom. I was feeling some tummy pressure and knew I needed to have a bowel movement. As is typical for me, they aren’t usually comfortable, but I got through it fairly quickly. As I cleaned up I noticed a fair amount of blood and assumed I had hemorrhoids (sorry if this is TMI), but checked to make sure one way or the other. I discovered that the blood was not in fact coming from the back, but the front and nearly had a panic attack. Long story short, I continued to spot pink for several more hours. I decided to stay home with my feet up (at my mom’s instruction) until my appointment that afternoon. My boss was very nice about it.

We went to the doctor’s office (where there was a mix up about my appointment and I was 2 hours early). And I met the midwife. I was rather nervous about that because I love my ARNP so much and my first experiences with the OB side of the office had been tense, but she was very nice. She relieved many of my fears about pains I’d had and sent me for a sonogram, just in case, though she was confident that things were fine. One thing I wish they provided was an email option for questions. The way the office is set up, you have to call and leave a voicemail for the nurse or assistant to the doctor you are wanting to deal with and she calls you back within about 36 hours. I would imagine email to be much more efficient for things like “can I take a Pepcid for this heartburn?” or “is it normal for me to be this tired ALL the time?” We had to go to the local hospital for the sonogram. (Their tech was out) It took forever, but we got to see our little lima bean. At just barely under 7 weeks, it didn’t do much, but it was there and the tech said everything looked fine.

A few hours after we finally got home (6 hours after we left) Mr. Moose’s sister, LB called. Long story short, she informed us that we were going to be an aunt and uncle as well as parents. As you know, this was a fear of mine, but I couldn’t help being excited for her. Her cycles are so weird and wonky that her due date could be the same as mine up to about 3 weeks after. What I found interesting after we hung up with her, was that Mr. Moose brought up the subject of inducing and stated that if we induced for health reasons, we weren’t going to give the family a lot of notice (a cousin, for instance found out about 6 weeks ahead of her due date that her doctor wanted to induce at 37 weeks). He doesn’t want to create tension and competition for who can get the baby out first, and neither do I. I had not mentioned my fears about LB’s competitiveness (as I mentioned a couple of weeks ago), but he felt the same way.

Ultimately, I am thrilled that she is having a baby and that there will not be that tension between us (from either way. I had always envisioned how I would feel if she got PG before me). We agreed to tell the extended family jointly (they have a large network of cousins and aunts and uncles), which sounded like fun at the time. I got an email from her today, though that my MIL suggests that we tell them before Aunt B goes in for surgery – July 18th. WHAT?! We were planning originally to announce it at cousin M’s wedding reception over Labor Day weekend when everyone was together and I would have passed my 1st trimester. Now they want to move that up a month and a half? For what?! LB won’t even really have her due date settled by then. And what if something happens (God forbid) to either baby in the first trimester? I can’t believe they are trying to pull this. I had told LB that I was willing to do it a little before the wedding because I didn’t want to totally rain on M’s wedding.

The Definition of Happiness

Happiness: (or glad) an emotional or affective state that is characterized by feelings of enjoyment and satisfaction. As a state and a subject, it has been pursued and commented on extensively throughout world history. This reflects the universal importance that humans place on happiness. (from Wikipedia)

Today, Mr. Moose and I learned the results of our blood test – we are pregnant. Just barely over 4 weeks. We are, of course, thrilled. My progesterone is low. So my wonderful ARNP has prescribed progesterone supplements. We are both walking around grinning like fools. In the near future, I will probably begin a new blog specific to the pregnancy to share with the family and leave this for my venting space. I will keep you all posted. I know I have a couple of readers (Hi, Heather and Jill) and my counter shows me that I have plenty of hits, so there may be more.

We have begun calling our future off-spring Kremit, now KM. Have you ever heard the spoof on the Muppets where Kermit and whoever is his co-host are high? He refers to himself as Kremit the Frog, the show is brought to you by the letters F and U, etc. I laughed so hard when I heard it – and the name Kremit stuck for our little bean. But I kept referring to our little Kremit as a “he” so I decided we needed a more gender neutral name. Kremit Moose (KM) was then brought into rotation. Both Mr. Moose and I have been walking around with huge smiles on our faces ever since we got the official news.

My doc did warn me that there are 3 options for why my progesterone is low. 1. It could be just that I am so newly pregnant (truly, I’m at 14 DPO) that my progesterone has not raised to a high level, 2. I could have luteal phase defect (which was my own diagnosis from my charting patterns – she suggested it at the appointment, so I’m really bargaining on this one) or 3. I have already begun to miscarry and this is my body lowering my progesterone. She is fairly confident that the third is not the case, but likes to be more safe than sorry. She diagnosed me on paper as “threatened miscarriage” so that the insurance won’t give me problems about the progesterone and extra appointment (this was an earlier than usual appointment – they don’t usually have you come in until 6-8 weeks, so they can do the first initial ultrasound and try for the heartbeat. I’m going to hold off as long as I can so there is a better chance of hearing the HB. I had a follow up Hcg blood draw after I saw the doctor and will find out the results tomorrow afternoon or Monday.

Happy Anniversary to the Meese

Yeah, so um, I’ve been bad again. Bad, blogger, bad blogger. Life has been chaotic and posting regularly on my blog has not been a priority. To any readers

Today is my 2nd wedding anniversary. Two years ago today was the happiest day of my life. Today is the day I committed my life to my best friend, began the life I was meant to live. It was the happiest and most beautiful day of my life, surrounded by the people who mean the most to me, in the church that I had grown up in.

Two years later and I am more sure now that I made the right decision than I was then – and I was awfully sure then. We have a wonderful life together, Mr. Moose and I. We are incredibly happy in our house, with our dogs, spending each day together. We look forward to the day when we will make our home for 2, a home for 3.

My grandmother fell last week and broke her shoulder. She had surgery on Friday and Mr. Moose and I will be taking our shift to keep her company this upcoming Friday – the first day we could both get away. She is doing amazingly well, but my mother worries about her being so far away from family and is hoping to get her to move in when they release her for out-patient therapy in another couple of weeks.

In cycle news: Yesterday, I tested at 10DPO with little to no spotting in sight. I had planned to wait until Tuesday to test, but with Father’s Day and our anniversary, I wanted to see if there was a chance we could know sooner. Armed with $ store tests, I tested. We got a very faint pink line. It darkened a little after the test time had expired, but we were both incredibly happy, though cautiously so. This morning, my waking temp was lower, much closer to coverline, so I tested again. There was an even fainter bit, maybe. The expired test still showed a slight positive, but it was also lighter than yesterdays. However, I still have not begun to spot at all, so we shall see. My covers were screwed up, effecting the temperature of my body and I had peed in the night, so there was likely to be at least slightly less concentration in the urine (sorry for the TMI). We are praying that we get a darker line in the next few days and I plan to ask for a blood test on Thursday if I still haven’t gotten my period when I go see the doc.

That's What You Get, Folks, For Making Whoopee

Both my sister and friend M have announced their pregnancies in the last month. Since then, I’ve had multiple dreams/thoughts that everyone around me is also pregnant. The other night, I dreamt about seeing my OB/GYN and her telling me that she was expecting. She’s not old by any means (I’d say under 40), but she has a kid who is about 7 and it appears that she is done having kids, so that would be surprising. I then had a dream that an old friend of mine, Lindsey announced that she was pregnant with her 3rd. Her daughter was born in October, so that’s kinda quick. Lindsey and I were pretty good friends growing up – we’ve known each other since I was in pre-school (her mom was my teacher and she was a year older than me) – but kind of lost touch in college. We see each other for big events – weddings, baby showers, etc. and her mom is a principal at our old alma mater and works with my SIL, so we hear news of each other’s lives through the grapevine, etc. (She’s even helping my mom get a job at her hospital). However, in this dream we were in some sort of convention center and she saw me and ran up to me and announced “I’m pregnant with number 3!” and then left to go talk to someone else. Very weird. Then, about 2 weeks ago, my BF K text messaged me at work “Can you talk for a minute?” I called her and she said “we have some, um, exciting news.” I swear I thought she was about to tell me she was pregnant again (this would also be number 3 for her as well – her son is almost 5 months old). She didn’t. Her husband had just gotten a new car and she was calling to tell me. But I swear I feel like everyone around me is getting knocked up and I’m not.

Speaking of which, anybody see the final, post-credits scene in Pirates 3? How does the dead guy knock up his wife when he only gets 1 day with her and I can’t get pregnant? Geez!

Of course, I’ve been eyeing pregnancy with a little more trepidation lately. The weekend of headaches and several days of nausea have made me re-think my assumption that being pregnant is going to be 9 months of fun. No clue where I got that thought, but I did assume I would like it more than not.

For the last several days I’ve had a very sore/tender chest. Last night I couldn’t sleep on my stomach because it hurt too much to put that much pressure on my front. I can’t remember the last time that happened, if ever. I’m starting to get excited over the prospect of this being a good month. Already 2 girls from my ttc message board have announced their BFP. I still have 6 days to go to reach my 12 day LP since Oed late, but happily, I’m automatically having a longer cycle this month since today is CD24, usually my last day. This having a period every 3 weeks really blows!

I keep wondering about the aspect of women who are doing IVF going on bedrest for 2 days or more after the procedure. Is that to let your body rest up after the trauma, or to encourage implantation? If I’m trying to get pregnant naturally, should I take it easy for a few days after ovulation to encourage implantation?

Even though I’m quite confident that she doesn’t read my blog (thank goodness!) – shout out to my MIL on her birthday today! We’re taking her out for dinner tonight w/ J and L (her younger 2 daughters).

The title for today's post is a nod to a Gilmore Girls episode from Season 7 where Lane learns she is pregnant after her one and only expeience with sex on her honeymoon.

9 Pieces of things we happen to have in our pockets

Terrible blogger here! I have been so busy at work lately; I haven’t had time to post. Even my after-work life has been hectic. My oldest SIL has been in town all week and we’ve been trying to squeeze time with her in with our regular activities.

Some highlights of my week included:

Eating out nearly every night. We did dinner at PF Chang’s and Joto’s (a favorite local pizza joint) with my in-laws and sushi w/ Mr. Wally. It was good to see Mr. Wally – it’s been a long time. Wally was Mr. Moose’s best man at the wedding, his former pseudo-boss at the photo shop and a great guy all around. Wally’s son, Dave, used to work for me at the cleaners and is a fellow geek. (In case you’re curious, Wally is probably a good 20 years older than Mr. Moose and I – he has 2 kids, both teens and is living the life of a single dad.) He told us about the changes he’s been making in his life lately – primarily financially. He’s switched to the Dave Ramsey system and is getting rid of all his debt. He was encouraging us (gently – he’s not a preacher) to do the same.

Ovulating! Finally! On CD 18 I ovulated rendering this cycle not a complete waste.

Training in the accounting department at work. Our temporary bookkeeper is none so wonderful, so I’ve been learning the billing process and attempting to get this woman trained and the billing out as soon as possible. Our goal is usually the 10th (for those keeping score at home – tomorrow), which isn’t going to happen, but I’m hoping for the right week at least.

Filling in in the media department. With our media director gone, my boss has no one to turn to to do all the “dirty work” in the media department. In addition to the data entry I’ve been having to do to get all the billing done, I’ve been researching media reps and doing budget analysis.

Seeing Pirates 3 for the second time. Mr. Moose and I took SIL to the Pirates movie on Friday. A much improved answer to the second one, which we weren’t crazy about. Some great stuff. Gotta love that Johnny Depp.

Having what I’m assuming is hormonal headaches. Began Friday night and then off and on on Saturday. Sunday I woke up fine, but as the early part of the morning wore on, I began to feel nauseous and then my head began to pound. It was so bad, I returned to bed and sent Mr. Moose to church without me. There was no way I was going to be able to handle the music with my head as it was. I’m still feeling it in the background, but it’s become more of a functional headache as the afternoon began. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed the pattern before, but the fact that it started to be a problem the same day I got my first high temps tells me that it’s probably a reaction to the progesterone. Don’t quote me on that, though – I got my MD from Google. ☺

I’m hoping to be a more dedicate blogger in the near future. Thank you to the readers who have stayed with me

I Can't Get Started

Over the weekend, Mr. Moose and I went to my BFF, K’s house for a birthday dinner for K. Our other usual couple, M (who we have been planning to watch our baby when I return to work when the time comes) and A were there with their 2 kids, Savannah and Drew. K’s kids, Dylan and Cam were there as well (Cam is 4 months old so he didn’t play much) of course and the 3 older kids (2 are 4, 1 is 2.5) kept each other entertained. M informed me that she was expecting her third in January. The grief hit me like a brick. I wasn’t expecting it and I was floored. I congratulated her, of course, and I am thrilled for her, but I couldn’t help my emotions. Thankfully, I was able to keep from crying or reacting in any way negative. I was quiet, but was able to chalk that up to being tired. It was a good night, but it hurt so bad to think about.
There is more to it than just seeing a pregnant woman. K and I have been friends since we graduated high school. I’ve been friends with M’s husband A for what seems like forever. He was my sister’s friend and became mine. I’m also good friends with M’s brother (or I was a long time ago). When M and A got married they started hanging out with their “couple” friends and as I was not married at the time, I was not included. A few years later K and M (too many initials!) got married and they started hanging out with the “couples.” Right after K and M got married they got pregnant. M and A got pregnant around that time as well (Savannah and Dylan are something like 5 weeks apart in age). This forged their friendship since they were then bonding over motherhood. Long story short, (too late) I have always wanted to be pregnant with one of my other friends. I jokingly begged K not to get PG with her second until I was ready to have one and secretly hoped that M wouldn’t get PG with her 3rd until after I was. Now my sister and M are both pregnant, and I’m left out.

My oldest SIL is staying with us for a week. When we returned home from the party she was there and I just needed some down time. I sat down to chat on the message board I frequent. Mr. Moose got a little miffed when I closed the computer when he tried to read it, but I wanted to get my feelings down before anyone read them. Once I told him what I was writing about and how upset I had been, he was incredibly understanding. He held me while I cried and even cried with me a little. I worry sometimes that he’s going to get frustrated with my emotional reactions to TTC and give up or whatever.

I have not yet Oed and this is CD 16. I’m guessing annovulatory this month and I’m attributing it to the stress of the last several weeks. I’ve also self-diagnosed myself as having a luteal phase defect/low progesterone. I’ve come to this conclusion after reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I have short luteal phases (10-12 days) and they always include break through bleeding around 6 or 7 DPO. This makes me wonder if I am conceiving, how can the fertilized egg implant if my lining is already starting to disintegrate? I’ve made an appointment to see my WunderDoc for the 21st of June to see what can be done. I’m considering trying Natural progesterone cream on my own, but I’m nervous about taking hormones of any sort without medical advise. I guess I could talk to my mom about it. But she doesn’t seem to know a lot of details about fertility stuff.

Work is tough these days. 2 of the 3 people I assist quit suddenly within a week of each other and I'm attempting to cover for them both without knowing the details of either of their jobs (I did a lot of paper work and administrative work for them, busy work mostly). It's exhausting. And several of my co-workers think that I might get promoted to Media person if they can't find someone soon. That terrifies me.

The title today was in a conversation between Mr. Moose and myself today when we were finding it difficult to get moving this morning. It was the title of a season finale (second season, i think) of a Gilmore Girls episode, which was named after an Ella Fitzgerald song. Sookie walked down the aisle to it.

The Vaca from %%$&

Julia’s Redbook blog talks about her terrible vacation and asks the question, what was your most terrible vacation? Apparently, Redbook does not cater to Mac users and once I signed in, I was unable to post my answer in the comments section. So I’ll write about it here.

My worst “vacation” experience (can you call it a vacation if you’re miserable?) involved a road trip to North Carolina with my then soon-to-be in-laws, not including my then-fiancee’. Four months before my wedding, 2 of my SILs, my MIL, and grandmother-on-law and I traveled to North Carolina for a weekend of bridal showers for the oldest SIL who got married 10 weeks before I did. I do not know what possessed me to go, other than a desire to spend some bonding time with my soon-to-be family. The trip up was mostly uneventful. It was February and chilly, but not miserable at that point. 5 women of various sizes and shapes were crammed into an Isuzu Rodeo with so much stuff that I think they thought we were staying for a week instead of a weekend.

Mr. Moose’s grandmother has a penchant for Cracker Barrel, so nearly every time we stopped to eat, we had to find a Cracker Barrel. Now, I must explain something about myself. My family has traveled to North Carolina for years as I was growing up. I am no stranger to road trips. However, I am used to a “let’s just get there” mentality. Mr. Moose and I travel this way. Time in the car, though it can be pleasant, is simple a means to an end. Repeatedly stopping at a sit down restaurant that always requires a wait for a table and always takes plenty of time to prepare and serve your food is not my idea of efficient. In addition, I suffered from bouts of motion sickness as a child and have learned to always be careful of how much and what types of food I consume while spending hours in a car with no easy access to a restroom. (Keep in mind my notorious stomach problems). Cracker Barrel’s greasy southern-friend food is not ideal in this situation.

Once we finally got there, it wasn’t too bad. We spent the night at SIL’s one bedroom condo, which was nice, but small. Not a whole lot of sleep to be had on an air mattress, but it could have been worse.

The trip back was awful. It was freezing cold and raining when we left and since it was a new-to-her vehicle for the SIL who was driving, she never did figure out the concept on how to keep the heat on. It took forever. We ended up stopping overnight, though we shouldn’t have. And then in the morning, when typically I would have just gotten dressed enough to be street legal, they each had to fully make themselves up – hair and all. By the time we finally got home, I had a headache and a stomach ache and I was incredibly irritable from 3 nights with terrible sleep. Needless to say, I will never again take a road trip with my in-laws.

Cycle news: I haven’t yet Oed, here on CD 12 (or is it 13?), which baffles me after my egg white experience, but I’m hoping that maybe stress simply delayed my O, or that it’s coming up this weekend.

Oy! With the Poodles Already!

MIL is still in the hospital and will probably remain at least another night. Some tests are coming out good, other not so good and they don’t know what is causing the kidney problems. We were at the hospital very late last night and we’re all very tired. Mr. Moose is working from the hospital today so she doesn’t have to be alone. She’s complaining that they’re just wasting a bed, but docs don’t typically admit you if there isn’t something serious. Even my mom has weighed in (remember she’s a nurse) with recommendations on doctors and the like.

Last night I got more bad news that my high school music teacher (we were very close) lost her husband over the weekend. He was a very good man, coach, father and husband and he will be missed. Several former members of the elite singing group I was part of are getting together to sing for the service on Thursday. I am honored to be part of that group.

When I arrived at work this morning, I was informed that our new bookkeeper had quit, (without notice) which meant that I had to run around changing passwords and checking up on the status of everything. Oh, the crazy!

The cramps have continued, though have finally begun to lessen today. Nothing exciting happening otherwise.

There's Words

CD 1.
But it’s been a very weird weekend. Sunday my temp went down to coverline and I assumed I’d get AF the same day. Nope. Barely any spotting. Today it spiked quite a bit. I was confused most of the morning, but around 10:00 AM I went to check and I had begun. Passed another clot, but everything else seemed normal.

Until 11:00, when it appeared to all but have stopped? I’m so freaking confused.

Had a good weekend, mostly. Got some bad news about a repair to my car (A/C is shot – need new compressor. Very much $$$), so that was bad. But we went to a house concert in one of the Far Harbors and had a blast. Rod Picott and Amanda Shires - they were wonderful as usual. This is the second time we’ve seen them perform and they are great. The house concert atmosphere makes it even more special, since you get to talk with and get to know the artists. We’re looking forward to seeing Rod and Amanda again in the future. (today's post title is one of the song's off Amanda's album)

Oh the cramps! I can’t remember the last time I had cramps this bad. It’s awful. Not even Tylenol is helping.

My MIL has just been admitted to the hospital with renal (kidney) failure. The family is worried, of course. It seems to have hit my husband pretty hard. His father passed away, suddenly when he was 13 and I can only imagine how it would feel to have lost one and risk losing another of your parents (both of mine are still alive and well, thank the Lord.)

Everything is coming up Piznarski

(Warning: the following section contains a story that is probably TMI. If you get queasy, you may want to stop now. I will try to be as delicate as possible)
Yesterday afternoon, I had a freak out. I had some tummy “discomfort” (I’m attempting to spare you the details) and went to the restroom here at work. Ten+ minutes later, after some pretty intense pain, I noticed a whole lot of red as I was cleaning up. Thinking, “It must be hemorrhoids” I continued my clean up. I then wiped up front and found equal amounts of red. In my quest for trying to figure out what was going on (I was CD21, 7DPO – this couldn’t be AF, right?) I checked my cervical mucus. When I removed my hand, it was dark red, thick and chunky. I began a freak out. Could this be a miscarriage?
I returned to my desk, grabbed by phone and retreated to the hallway. I called my medical advisor – my mom, the nurse. I asked her what a miscarriage looks like. “A lot of blood, some clots, etc.” she said. I have no idea if I miscarriage is even possible at 7 DPO. I mean, obviously it would have been considered chemical, but then I attempted to figure out it last month’s COW was the real thing (it was very short). Mom said that I could just be getting a heavier cycle that is making up for the last light one. She asked if I thought I was pregnant and I told her I didn’t know. At the end of the conversation she asked if I were disappointed. “What do you think?” I said as I began to choke up.
I returned again to my desk, crying. I even attempted to work as I tried to decide what to do – call Mr. Moose? Call my sister? Go home? Ask someone to come pick me up? Ultimately, I called Mr. Moose and asked if he could leave work early and I also left work early. I took an HPT when I got home and it was negative, so I’m somewhat confident that I wasn’t PG from last month. I did have an additional freak out about the ibu*profen I took on Monday, accidentally. (I’m on Tylenol only these days, but that was all I had and I had a headache and wasn’t thinking.)
The bleeding had completely stopped after about 6:30 and this morning I have had “normal” (for pre-AF) brown spotting this morning.

My mood today has been, at best, in the “okay” ranges. I’m not hungry, I’m borderline weepy and I’m feeling overwhelmed. I don’t know what it was, but emotionally, I feel as if I have lost something. My temperature today, however rose approximately .20 of a degree.

The title of today’s post is a quote from this week’s episode of Veronica Mars. It was my first conscious thought this morning when I woke. While I don’t actually think things are coming up Piznarski – unless of course, “Piznarski” is a bad thing.

On Hope, Letting Go, and Good-byes

"Sing to me the song of the stars…
Of your galaxy dancing and dancing again…
When it feels like my dreams are so far…
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again…

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands to pray
To be only Yours I pray,
To be only Yours I pray
I know now You’re my Only Hope

I give You my destiny,
I’m giving You all of me.
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am.
At the top of my lungs
I’m giving it back…" (lyrics from Only Hope sung by Switchfoot and/or Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember)

I’ve come to a better place with accepting that God’s time is not our time. I’m still temping, but I’m debating on whether or not to stop and all that.
My sister told me last night that she tried for a year before conceiving her first son. They never went back on BCP after he was born, but she didn’t conceive her second until about 2 years later. After that she was attempting to NOT have anymore (my nephews both have Cystic Fibrosis and she didn’t want to deal with that again) and she conceived M when L was around 3. It apparently got easier.

I saw a falling star last night. My sister and I were talking in the driveway at my mom’s house and there was this quick bright flash and then it fell. I suppose it could have been a firecracker or something, but it seemed like an odd time to be setting off firecrackers. She told me to make a wish, but not to tell her what it was. “I don’t think I have to,” was my answer.


Last night my mom had a house full of women to share the series finale of Gilmore Girls, our faithful friends of 7 years. My sister C, our mutual friend M (the one who will be taking care of my child when I return to work if I ever get one – this was solidified even more last night in our discussion of the way she handles temper tantrums for her daycare kids) and my mom’s friend Cathy, my other mom. It was a very nice episode and it did end well. It was sad, but so much of it felt like they knew they were saying good-bye, that I felt it wrapped up the ending so well. I would have liked it to continue and wrap up more storylines in more detail, but overall, it was good. I loved the scene when Lane wouldn’t rush Rory off on their last night together, even though the town wanted to get her moving so they could set up the surprise party. I loved that Luke stayed up all night to create a tent to block the forecasted rain from the party decorations. I love that Emily and Richard showed up and that Richard finally told Lorelai how proud he was. I loved that Emily kept trying to find way to stay involved in Lorelai’s life, even after Rory was leaving town and that Lorelai told her she would continue w/ Friday Night Dinners because she was “used to them now.” I LOVED the kiss between Lorelai and Luke. I loved that at 5am on the day Rory was to leave Lorelai said they had “one more stop to make.” And the final scene, echoing the ending of the very first episode, was absolutely perfect. Good-bye, Girls. Bon Voyage, Rory, Lorelai, Luke, Emily, and the rest of Stars Hollow. You will be missed.

Debasement Tapes

I think I’ve mentioned that my first introduction to blogs was actually personal finance blogs. I recently read a post/article about Asian culture and how once they have jobs, the kids give their parents money regularly to “pay them back” for raising them. This baffles me. I look at my family and find it amusing. My paternal grandfather is a bit senile and does occasionally ask my father for money when he’s strapped. Depending on his reasoning, my father does often give him some, but he is extremely put out by it. He once told me that his financial goal is not to give me an inheritance, but to never have to ask me for money. My father typically gives good-sized monetary gifts at birthdays and Christmas (and at our wedding – he paid off one of my student loans for a wedding gift in addition to paying for ½ my wedding), but I cannot picture myself giving him money for a gift, even if I knew he was saving for something big. (My father rarely does this – he’s more of the type of “I want it, I’ll get it for myself”). I cannot see giving my mom money for a gift, either – a gift card, sure, but not money. My husband’s family, on the other hand, has no qualms about giving money towards a larger purchase (though, by my family’s standards, they are pretty cheap and a large purchase would often take multiple birthdays, Christmas and Mother’s day to scrounge up enough cash to get something). I have a real issue giving parents money – I feel weird doing it because in my family, it was always the other way around. Even more so, I would feel weird giving my parents a monthly gift of money. Maybe I would feel differently if I had tons of money and they didn’t. I’m not sure. It just seems like parents should be allowed to give the kids money to help them out, even if it's a gift, but awkward for it to work the other way around.

In cycle news, I think I may have ovulated yesterday, because I’m starting to doubt if I read .28 or .08 on my thermometer. I had a temp jump this AM and with my – OPK last night, I’m thinking that’s what happened. I’m taking one more OPK tonight to determine if last night’s was just weird or not. I’m hoping I O-ed already since tonight is very busy and we might not have time to BD.

I finally got to see this week’s episode of Veronica Mars last night online (did I mention that our DVR had a melt down and I missed all of our shows this week? I was totally bummed). I wasn’t crazy about the Veronica/Piz storyline from last week – Piz is nice and all, but seemed a little puppy dogish with regards to Veronica – but last night’s episode made me like him more. The end scene with them together made me remember what it was like to be at the beginning of a relationship, to have it just light up your face, etc. (today's title is the title of the VM episode).

Female stuff

So, last night my sister, her husband and their 3 children (boys ages 7 and 5 and girl aged approx 18 months) came over to my house for dinner. I was very nervous – she said the kids weren’t picky eaters, but I was still a bit worried. We had chicken, broccoli and herbed potatoes and it seemed to go over pretty well. Not having kids myself, I of course had no toys for them to play with, but we gave them a set of dominoes (the boys – my niece was fascinated by the “puppies!”) and they busied themselves for over an hour setting up long trains and then knocking them down. I must say I am proud of myself for not cringing every time my younger nephew jumped off the ottoman. The only thing I didn’t like was the occasional blood-curdling scream of delight when they were playing. My mom always had a rule about screaming, and I’m afraid I’ve inherited it. My younger nephew (L) is kind of a “wild man” down to his bright orange hair (natural color, honest). He’s move active, louder, etc. than his older brother (C), but I did very well. I wondered after they left at the ability to get sticky stuff all over the table from one cupcake each, but I guess that’s to be expected.
The other news I got last night is that my sister is expecting #4 in October. She told me in a brief moment of alone time that I was the only one she wanted to tell for a long time, but since I’ve been dealing with my own inability to conceive lately, she didn’t want to shove it in my face. I’m thrilled for her, so I told her so. She was afraid I would be hurt since they weren’t actually trying for another one and got pregnant anyways. I am totally fine with this. Surprised, yes since their little girl was a happy accident originally. Bummed that my sister will have another child that I don’t get to meet for ages and ages, but I’m very happy that she will have another baby and I’m already beginning to pray that this new baby (I’m secretly hoping for another little girl and I’m already campaigning to name her Loreali) is healthy.

Okay, now to the diatribe on my Gilmore opine. I hate “rushed” endings on good shows, so I hate that they’re ending it without knowing from the get-go that it was ending. Dawson’s Creek? Awesome ending. Buffy? Great ending, perfectly fitting, etc. Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman – the ending SUCKED because they didn’t know until too late that they wouldn’t be renewed. Major cliff-hanger and we never got the payoff. If I were in Lauren and Alexis’s shoes, I would want the 7 years of my life to end perfectly, not abruptly. Why couldn’t they have just dealt with the shorter season? I’m miffed and stressed over the ending. I’m holding out hope that it is a decent ending as is rumored (and the scenes from next week included Luke and Lorelai kissing, so I’m hopeful).

CD 14 is here and no temp drop yet. The line on my OPK was darker still last night, but not quite where I expected it to be for a true +. I marked it as + on my chart, though because I don’t like seeing that yellow light “possibly fertile” indicator at the bottom.

Unto the Breach

I'm debating a pause in my temping/testing/posting, etc. I'm struggling with whether or not it's an obsession and whether I'm really letting God take control. I've always been about "He helps those who help themselves" and not waiting for His answer to hit you on the head, but... Where do you draw the line?

I’m in a horrific amount of discomfort this week. That firedrill in heels did me in. My delts are so incredibly sore. And not just sore. I’m having trouble moving. I can sit with little pain, but to stand requires much effort. Yuck.

I’m on CD 13 and no O yet. My temps have stayed down the last couple of days, but my OPK last night was darker, so I’m assuming that means we’re moving forward.

My sister and her family are coming over tonight for dinner. I’m nervous. I haven’t seen the boys in 2 years and I’ve never met my niece. And I don’t “understand” boys a lot of the time, especially not 5 and 7 year olds. Not growing up around many boys, the old adage “boys will be boys” makes me uncomfortable. But I can’t wait to see them.

The title of today's post is the title of last night's episode of Gilmore Girls. The announcement was made this week that my beloved Girls will not be returning next season, and next week's episode will be their last. I am mourning this decision, but I will share more on my opinions of this at a later time. I'm leaving work early today to race home and start dinner for my sister's arrival and have too much to do to rant about it.

Fireings and Fire Drills

Late Friday afternoon I was informed that one of my good friends at work was being let go. When the boss told friend/co-worker K and I about it, we were very angry and had a stare-down for several minutes. When he tried to get us to talk about it, both of us sat is stony silence, but I was too angry to let it go completely. I was proud of myself for staying composed, but I did let him know that every time they do this (this is the 3rd) everyone around gets nervous and panicked about “who is going to be next?” My comments allowed an opening for K as well and we were able to productively discuss the problems we see with our bosses way of handling things like this. It still sucks, but at least it was something.

On our way out the door later the let-go person (S – there are 2 Ss, this is the older one) was very quiet. No one knew how to act, so we were all acting normal for a Friday and I could tell she was ready to crack a little as she got in her car. I felt awful. And angry at our bosses for the way they handled it since I was able to see a better way of doing it, myself.

Looks like today is probably O day – my temp dropped rapidly this morning and I’m feeling some ovarian pain. We were very active this weekend, so that’s good. I started my OPKs on Saturday, though and neither looked promising. I’ll take another tonight and hope it looks good.

I’m getting frustrated with the situation surrounding my sister and seeing her. It’s like neither of us want to step on any toes so we’re not getting together. This SUCKS! She’s been nearby for a week and I still haven’t seen her.

Check out Julie’s post for today about a new bill being put before Congress about insurance coverage of ART treatments. This is a big issue for people with infertility and those of us who have the compassion for them. I’d be willing to pay an extra $1 per month to assure that more people could have the treatment they need to have a baby of their own, how about you?

We had another "fire drill" in our building this afternoon and I'm REALLY wearing the wrong shoes for the steep stairs. Argh!