Tuesday, June 5, 2007

I Can't Get Started

Over the weekend, Mr. Moose and I went to my BFF, K’s house for a birthday dinner for K. Our other usual couple, M (who we have been planning to watch our baby when I return to work when the time comes) and A were there with their 2 kids, Savannah and Drew. K’s kids, Dylan and Cam were there as well (Cam is 4 months old so he didn’t play much) of course and the 3 older kids (2 are 4, 1 is 2.5) kept each other entertained. M informed me that she was expecting her third in January. The grief hit me like a brick. I wasn’t expecting it and I was floored. I congratulated her, of course, and I am thrilled for her, but I couldn’t help my emotions. Thankfully, I was able to keep from crying or reacting in any way negative. I was quiet, but was able to chalk that up to being tired. It was a good night, but it hurt so bad to think about.
There is more to it than just seeing a pregnant woman. K and I have been friends since we graduated high school. I’ve been friends with M’s husband A for what seems like forever. He was my sister’s friend and became mine. I’m also good friends with M’s brother (or I was a long time ago). When M and A got married they started hanging out with their “couple” friends and as I was not married at the time, I was not included. A few years later K and M (too many initials!) got married and they started hanging out with the “couples.” Right after K and M got married they got pregnant. M and A got pregnant around that time as well (Savannah and Dylan are something like 5 weeks apart in age). This forged their friendship since they were then bonding over motherhood. Long story short, (too late) I have always wanted to be pregnant with one of my other friends. I jokingly begged K not to get PG with her second until I was ready to have one and secretly hoped that M wouldn’t get PG with her 3rd until after I was. Now my sister and M are both pregnant, and I’m left out.

My oldest SIL is staying with us for a week. When we returned home from the party she was there and I just needed some down time. I sat down to chat on the message board I frequent. Mr. Moose got a little miffed when I closed the computer when he tried to read it, but I wanted to get my feelings down before anyone read them. Once I told him what I was writing about and how upset I had been, he was incredibly understanding. He held me while I cried and even cried with me a little. I worry sometimes that he’s going to get frustrated with my emotional reactions to TTC and give up or whatever.

I have not yet Oed and this is CD 16. I’m guessing annovulatory this month and I’m attributing it to the stress of the last several weeks. I’ve also self-diagnosed myself as having a luteal phase defect/low progesterone. I’ve come to this conclusion after reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I have short luteal phases (10-12 days) and they always include break through bleeding around 6 or 7 DPO. This makes me wonder if I am conceiving, how can the fertilized egg implant if my lining is already starting to disintegrate? I’ve made an appointment to see my WunderDoc for the 21st of June to see what can be done. I’m considering trying Natural progesterone cream on my own, but I’m nervous about taking hormones of any sort without medical advise. I guess I could talk to my mom about it. But she doesn’t seem to know a lot of details about fertility stuff.

Work is tough these days. 2 of the 3 people I assist quit suddenly within a week of each other and I'm attempting to cover for them both without knowing the details of either of their jobs (I did a lot of paper work and administrative work for them, busy work mostly). It's exhausting. And several of my co-workers think that I might get promoted to Media person if they can't find someone soon. That terrifies me.

The title today was in a conversation between Mr. Moose and myself today when we were finding it difficult to get moving this morning. It was the title of a season finale (second season, i think) of a Gilmore Girls episode, which was named after an Ella Fitzgerald song. Sookie walked down the aisle to it.

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