Monday, June 13, 2011

Ka boom

I'm not sure what happened this week. But Friday night, Daddy Fuss and I sat down to have a talk after an argument earlier and putting it aside long enough to eat and put the kids to bed...

We both had our complaints. We both shed a few tears, aired frustrations. And ultimately, I ended up confessing that after 3 and a half days of not even getting out of the house as far as the mailbox, then having an argument with him, etc. I had (briefly, fleetingly) thought about how my family would be better off if I weren't alive and had (briefly, fleetingly) considered the options of killing myself. (I had subsequently rejected such ideas, of course)

Now, don't get me wrong. That's a big deal. But I felt that the bigger part of my ranting was me crying over and over "I'm worthless, I'm useless. I can't do anything." But he seemed completely stuck on the other thing and asked me several times how long I'd felt that way, commented that he didn't realize things were this bad, etc. But I've said this before. I've told him I've felt worthless before. I don't know what else I can really say - for an incredbly sensitive, caring, wonderful man - well, I guess I don't feel he's been listening.

He had me make an appointment to see my GYN (tomorrow, 1:30) to see what sort of help I can get. I'm still within the boundaries (one year) for postpartum depression, so we're assuming this is that. We went through a checklist we found online the other night, and I had between 8-9 out of 10 of the symptoms. (one of them I didn't think described me all the time, but sometimes.)

Things have been bad. I've lost my appetite for food and for sex. I want to socialize, but sometimes I feel like it's not worth the effort. (for example, my best friend invited us over for a swim/burgers and dogs on the grill yesterday and when we were nearly ready to go, I was like "do we really have to go?" which is totally not like me at all.

I'm scared of the idea of pills though, because I feel like they might be a slippery slope - sure they can help me feel better now, but what happens later? When do I get off of them? When will it be over?

So, I'm going to see Liz tomorrow and I'll see what the options are. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I know that I need some help. I wish I could just have my husband home more, have some help with the kids, etc. but that isn't a viable option right now, so we'll see what happens.


  1. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I knew it was bad, but I had no idea how bad. I'm glad you're having it checked out.

    And if you need pills, don't worry about it. Sometimes we just need something to even us out - it definitely doesn't mean you'll always be on them. I've been on antidepressants twice, for about 6 months each time, and it really helped and I haven't been on them for about 6 years.

    Feel better soon!

  2. Now I feel stupid for not even thinking of PPD. I hope your doctor is able to help! Good luck tomorrow.