Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Hope, Hair and Hannah the infertile

I’ve bounced back and forth today on whether or not I’m hopeful or depressed about this coming weekends POAS-fest. My spotting has slowed – I even went for a long walk at lunch today and there was really no increase in flow or anything when I got back. (You know how exercise always makes the flow heavier when AF is around?) I’m still not sure if this is AF or implantation, but I’m still holding out hope.

My mother came out and asked me this morning if I was pregnant. I told her I didn’t think so. I told her I was due this week and I was having the pre-AF spotting and she commented that some women spot throughout pregnancy. I tried to play it down. Does she really think I’ll forget to tell her or something? True, I’m not planning for her to be the first person I tell – but seriously?

Fertility Friend says I should test on Sunday (CD29). Maybe. Maybe not. I think I can wait until Friday. Mr. Moose always wants me to wait an extra day or so, so we don’t waste tests. I’d rather know sooner than later. My goal is to wait until Saturday. I’ve had cycles that range from 26-30 days. 28 seems reasonable. Right?

Did I mention I got my hair cut this weekend? I’ve been growing it out since my drastic chop right after my wedding and it was essentially 2 very, very long layers. Well, long for me. Top of my bra strap in back. But I felt like a pyramid head and wanted to possibly get some longer bangs back. I’ve had bangs my whole life and lost them when I got married. But I hate my forehead, so I need SOMETHING there. It looks pretty cute, but kinda goofy when I curl it into tighter curls, so who knows if I will keep it this way for good? I have naturally curly hair, but it’s really loose curls – more like random waves than curls even. I get let it go natural sometimes, but it’s not perfect. Usually have to touch up around my face where it stays just straight enough to look dorky with my curls, but not straight enough that it doesn’t need fixing when I wear it straighter. I’ve been blowing it out since I got my hair cut, so it’s nice and smooth. Looks really great that way.

I was watching Season 2 of Veronica Mars last night and kept saying, “see, I want my hair like that!” to Mr. Moose. It’s close, but her bangs were shorter.

I’m curious as to how many women out there who are infertile cannot afford to take further steps? I look at our age and financial status, and while Mr. Moose makes good money and I do all right, I know there is no way we could swing multiple infertility treatments over and over. And adoption? You’ve got to be kidding me. This is not factoring in the emotional toll that is taken either. And time off work to deal with appointments, to deal with stress (“mental health days”). I can’t be the only woman who wonders if there are payment plans for adoption. “Do you take Visa?”

I know I’ve written about this before, but I’m starting to wonder what we’re doing to ourselves that so many are struggling so hard with infertility. You look at the boards, or even at Julie’s list of blogs and you see ALL these women struggling, struggling with infertility due to a whole myriad of problems. WHAT is it that we are doing in this modern age that causes this? I mean, I know there were people back in the day who couldn’t have children - even the Bible mentions this (Hannah’s miracle child, Samuel, Rachel’s miracle boys Joseph and Benjamin, etc.) - but it seems like there are so many more now.

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