Wednesday, March 2, 2011


I feel sometimes like I am "haunted" by dreams about my high school choir director. I think I dream about her/have dreams with her being featured in them more often than anyone else. I wonder if it's because I never got to say good-bye to her? (She passed away the year Fuss was born.) I had an opportunity to get with her about a week before Fuss was born and I didn't do it because I was so uncomfortable and hurting and was having Braxton Hicks so much and then, a few weeks after Fuss was born I had the thought "I should call and go see her and introduce her to Fuss" and about 15 minutes later I got the message that she had passed away.)

Last night I had a dream about her funeral - only it wasn't the funeral I went to, it was like we were planning it and trying to figure out stuff and... it was so weird.

I am planning to get things together to travel back to GA at the end of the week for the memorial service for Mom F. There are so many old friends coming in to town to celebrate her life - people I haven't seen in decades. It's amazing to see and to know how many lives she touched in her lifetime. I think it's important to Dad F to see that, too, that despite being so removed from where they lived the bulk of their lives for the last (nearly) 20 years, that so many people loved and remember her...

This family is so important to me. I remember at the time of my wedding Mom F saying how nice it was that so many members of her family were involved in my wedding, but I really saw them as part of my "family" too. My sisterfriend was my matron-of-honor, her sister played the piano for all the music, their nieces played the strings for my walk down the aisle. My sisterfriend's son was one of my ring bearers and her niece (the oldest daughter of the pianist) was one of my flower girls.

I never had a close-knit family. My mom and dad were married and each had siblings, but we weren't close. My dad almost never made the effort to go back to where he grew up for family holidays or gatherings, so I barely know my cousins on his side of the family. I was close to my mom's parents and one of her brothers, but past the age of about 10, I only ever saw any of my cousins from her side of the family once or twice a year and once I graduated high school, even less. My grandfather passed away when I was 15 and the uncle I was close to passed away when I was 20. I don't have a lot of close family, so I sort of adopted some of my own. These people - this family - means so much to me.

When Daddy Fuss and I were discussing whether or not I could go up for Mom F's memorial service, I made the statement that if she were a blood-relative (or blood-by-marriage) no one would even ask me to skip the funeral. Sometimes, I feel like most people don't give my relationship with these people the credit it deserves - like my connection isn't legitimate, even though, in my heart, these are my FAMILY.

I am glad that I am able to go and that my friend M is coming with me (even though I wish it were my husband instead, I'll take what I can get.) It's not an easy trip with 2 little children and the fact that we're trying to do it in such a short time will make it even harder. But it's worth it, to me, to be there. To pay my respects to a woman who was like a second mother to me for a lot of years. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to see her last month, and I am grateful that I can go again and "say good-bye."

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