Out Damn Spot.

So late last night I had some spotting. Darn it. And I realized that TODAY was CD 27, not yesterday.

I’ve had spotting for several days off and on leading up to my period for the last few cycles at least (mostly since I’ve gotten off birth control), so there is still a chance that my cycle will be longer this time. And my temp is dipping but it’s not below coverline yet.

I remember thinking yesterday that there was nothing “special” about this month – why would I be blessed THIS month? And then I thought “Why not? People get pregnant at random times all the time. Unwanted pregnancies happen all over the place. Unplanned pregnancies (I differentiate between unwanted and unplanned) happen all the time. I know several couples who have gotten pregnant “on accident” but are thrilled about it. Why does it have to special?” And then 45 minutes later I got the spotting.

I’m damn disappointed. I was really starting to get excited at the prospect of being pregnant.

And we haven’t really been truly trying for that long, so I don’t know why I’m getting so crazy. I guess this cycle has just been kinda stressful with the weird sleep and temperatures patterns. A week ago I was ready to scrap the cycle and just say we’ll try it next month.

So, why a week later am I so incredibly bummed? Hope is an awful, awful thing.

Work today sucks, too. Anyone ever hear of the St. Petersburg Grand Prix? It’s going on outside my window. (not that I have a window, but some of my co-workers do). SO downtown is a crazy, crazy place to be and half of my coworkers wrangled tickets out of clients so they skipped out at lunch. It’s too quiet, I’m really bummed and I really don’t want to be here.

Confessions and Dreams

I confess. This morning I POAS. I know, I’m only 11 DPO (and that’s if my adjustments were fair and accurate), possibly only 8 DPO, but since I’m on CD 27 and there is no sign of AF, I figured maybe. No luck. BFN. But, you know how almost as soon as you POAS you get your period or spotting or some other sure fire symptom that tells you for sure that AF is really, truly just right around the corner? Nada. Still no spotting, no lower back aches, etc. As a matter of fact, I haven’t even had a headache today at all (first time all week). I feel fantastic. That’s certainly not normal for a girl getting ready to bleed.

Am I getting excited over nothing? Probably. With my luck, I’ll end up like my SIL and need to go to the doc to get my period started or something. But a girl can dream and for now, I guess I’ll continue to dream.

On baby showers and bathwater

I’ve read several posts from other bloggers currently dealing with infertility about their reactions to going to a baby shower. I always assumed I would have no problem with attending a baby shower, regardless of my current fertility status, however, I may be soon changing my tune.

My “cousin” (her mom is my mom’s best friend. I’ve call her Aunt S since I was born) is having a baby shower this weekend. I’ve been looking forward to it, until I started thinking about it more carefully. Cousin is incredibly immature and got pregnant “accidentally” last year forcing her to get married quickly (after 6 months of her mother being in and out of the hospital for serious medical problems) and is now coming closer to her due date. I remember feeling incredibly awkward at her wedding shower – the news had just come out to her friends that she was PG and she was still acting like a silly teeny-bopper about it (though rumor has it that when she found out, she was much less than happy about it and much more freaked out). While I am happy if she is happy, I also have to wonder at the sense of it all – how can this childish kid (granted, she is 23, not exactly a child. But she is a very immature 23) being granted a child when I cannot? When people much more mature and responsible and “ready” for this responsibility not be able to get pregnant?

So I pray that this weekend, I am able to keep my snarkiness to myself. You see, her friends who were her closest companions at the wedding shower, etc were also incredibly immature. At 23 I was working a full-time job, running my father’s business and dealing with adult responsibilities like car payments, etc. My friends either already had children or were expecting them. They knew that having a baby changes everything and the nights of partying, dancing until dawn and bartending as your ideal job (not to knock people who bartend for a living – however, Cousin does it specifically because she likes to flirt and hates to get up in the mornings) would have to end (or already had). I have trouble wrapping my head around the childish conversations they were all having, and even though I am merely 3 years older feel eons more mature. Am I going to wonder out loud at how she is going to adjust to motherhood? Am I going to get so frustrated at this child having a baby that it hurts me?

I know this post makes my cousin sound like a terrible person and me like a very judgmental one. Cousin is a very likeable person. She’s sweet and friendly and very attractive. She’s perky (she should have been a cheerleader) and respectful. I just wonder if she has thought about all the changes she is going to have to make to her life now that she is a mother. If her attitude has not changed since November (the last time I saw her) then she hasn’t thought of any challenges other than how to decorate the baby’s nursery and his name.
And I want to be supportive of her. I want to go and be happy and eat my aunt’s amazing party food and think happy, warm little baby thoughts.

Feeling for the Queens

Don’t you sometimes wonder what women did “back in the day” when they couldn’t get pregnant? I’ve been reading a lot lately about the wives on Henry VIII – their main problem was that they couldn’t produce male heirs (um, his problem, ironically!) and can you imagine only being useful for your ability to produce children and being infertile? And not even knowing that there were options for treatment? How about just the ability to POAS and find out (more or less) immediately? Suddenly, I am very grateful to be living in such an era that HPTs and OB/GYNs and REs are readily available.

In an email I sent my sister recently, I spelled out a “spiritual conundrum” I had been thinking about. I’ll share it below:

I came up against a bit of a spiritual conundrum recently – L (my SIL) who refuses to chart her cycle (and recently went 2 months without getting her period only to find out that she is NOT in fact pregnant) or do much research on the subject told Mr Moose that in light of their unstable financial future (they are thinking of going into business of their own, leaving his father to run the family business since Pops won't sell out to L's hubby and won't keep his fingers out of their business even though he doesn't want to participate in the chores of it, etc) that maybe God is trying to tell them it's not the right time to get pregnant. Okay. Fine. I understand and truly believe that God's timing isn't our timing. But I also believe that (though this sounds way more disrespectful than intended) God helps those who help themselves. It's like that joke about the guy who prays to God to let him win the lottery every day for 7 years. At the end of 7 years, he's praying and pleading with God and God finally says, audibly, "Herman. Buy. A Ticket."
I struggle with the dichotomy that God controls everything and yet good, loving, Christian people can't get pregnant, are infertile. And if you can, shouldn't you do everything you possibly can to make sure you're standing in your own way? Or should you take it on faith that if you're meant to get pregnant, you will tests and charts or not?
Obviously, I've been thinking heavy thoughts at work lately.

I’ve been very thoughtful (as in full of thoughts) about these topics lately – it’s a very passionate subject for me. I once read a series of books that said that “God is weird and we are tweaked. We can never understand how God thinks because we are not God. But every time we do something that is selfless and God-like we become a little more ‘weird’ and learn more about Him.”

The Tuesday that was almost Thursday

I dreamt that today was Wednesday and then “realized” it was Thursday. I then was thinking that if it’s Thursday and I haven’t started spotting, I might be pregnant. Imagine my surprise when I realized it was actually Tuesday. I was very disappointed.

My breasts are getting a little sore, but not overly. I’ve had more twinges of pain in my ovarian region today. Someone suggested that since I’m on the late side of average for ovulation and the early side of average for cycle length that I should see about getting a 7DPO progesterone draw to make sure all is well. Don’t you wish doctors would do things like simple blood tests early in the trying game so you wouldn’t have to waste so much time fretting and waiting? I figure I’ll give it 2 more months (April and May) and then if nothing changes, I will go see my dear OB/GYN – (love her!) and talk her into testing my progesterone. Depending on the frustration levels, however, I may not make it until May.

On a happy note, my intercourse score for fertile time was rated “High” this month. You can imagine that Dear Husband was pretty happy, as well.

Happy 7th birthday to my nephew C! I love you, buddy!

If My Life Were a Soundtrack

This is a really fun meme if you like memes. I did it mostly because I wanted to share a little bit more about myself aand thought a random selection of my music tastes would do it.

Here’s how it works:
Open your iTunes/etc. library.
Press shuffle.
Press play.
For each question, type the song that plays. One song per question–new question, new song.


If My Life Were A Soundtrack…
Opening Credits 
It’s All Been Done - BNL
Waking Up
 Can’t Buy Me Love – The Beatles
First Day of School
 Dead Wrong – The Fray
Falling in Love 
I Believe in You and Me – Whitney Houston
Breaking Up
 Insenstive - Jann Arden (isn't that ironic?)
School Formal
 She Is – The Fray
Life’s Okay
 Make His Praise Glorious – Sandi Patti
Mental Breakdown
 Cherish – The Assciation
Driving
Lessons Learned – Carrie Underwood (oh, if only you knew…)
Flashback
 Love Me Tender – Norah Jones 
Getting Back Together
 You Found Me – Kelly Clarkson
Wedding
 It Is Well With My Soul – Sandi Patti
Birth of a Child
 Perfect – Alanis Morisette
Final Battle
The Night Before (Life Goes On) – Carrie Underwood
Death Scene
 Going Under Evanescence
Funeral Song
 Jesus, Take The Wheel – Carrie Underwood
End Credits
 Bring On the Rain – Jo Dee Messina

Now, you can stop laughing at my music choices – I have limited choices here at work on my iTunes – only a few cds have actually made it in here. This would be a very different excersize if i were at home with my 4 gigs of music. Someday I'll do this again there, but for now...)

Guilty Pleasures & Cycle updates.

Thanks to Julia for inspiring me to write about guilty pleasures.
Guilty pleasures of mine:
1. Trashy modern romances. I particularly love those by Chris.tina Sky.e that involve a Navy SEAL team which had been genetically altered to have super-human powers, those that take place in Scotland and a few trilogies by Nor.a Robe.rts (NOT J.D Ro.bb)
2. Historical fiction/pseudo biographies about the sordid royals of Europe. Recently I’ve been obsessed with the Tudor line (Elizabeth, Anne Boleyn, Katherine of Aragon, etc.) but also Marie Antoinette and Catherine the Great.
3. French Fries, particularly those with lots of salt and/or cheese food to dip them in. The best by themselves are McDonalds, the best with cheese food are Steak’n’Shake. And then there are steakhouse cheese fries. Chuck and I kept the Lonestar by our old apartment in business for months based entirely on our frequent consumption of cheese fries. Yum.
4. Soap Operas and their magazines (see previous entry regarding the TV shows)
5. Lifetime Movies. Oh, come on – everyone watches them. Lifetime wouldn’t have 3 different cable stations if I were the only one.

I learned of a formula for adjusting temperatures based on when you usually wake vs waking up early. I adjusted one of my worst temps and it threw my chart to where I felt it should be. I'm 8 DPO. With my period due either Thursday or Friday. I’ve had some twinges in my abdomen in the last few days, so it could be implantation or early menstral.

I had a weird dream last night about my childhood next door neighbor moving down the street to the large old creepy house that two (they were twins) of my earliest baby-sitters used to live in. They used to have this indoor pond in their entryway complete with a waterfall and Koi swimming around. Marcelle and Monica used to let me feed the fish when I would come over. Have no idea what made me think of that. Weird.

That Sisters/Family quote

I’ve referenced a monolog from Grey’a Anatomy a couple of times in the past. It’s about choosing your family, choosing your sister. It’s very appropriate to my situation with my sister.

Meredith narrating
“So this thing where we all keep our distance, pretend not to care about each other – it’s usually a load of bull. So we pick who we’re close to.”

Live within the program, Meredith is talking to Cristina:
“You’re my sister, you’re my family. You’re all I’ve got.”

Narration:
And once we’ve chose those people, we tend to stay close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes that invasion of personal space – it can be exactly what you need

Blah, blah, blah (lack of good title)

Temp has now been up for 2 days in a row… I’m still completely baffled by this cycle. I still swear I O-ed on day 16, which would put me 4 DPO. But who knows? I’ve been feeling those weird little pains in my side again this morning.

On a completely separate note, I recently finished a book called Homesick by Sela Ward, the actress best known for her roll on Sisters and Once and Again. It was essentially her autobiography of her life up until that point (published in 2003). It was an excellent book and I highly recommend it to anyone who knows and loves the South or knows any of her work at all. She is an amazing woman. It’s been making me think about her name lately, too – Sela. It comes from the Hebrew word in the Bible which is sort of like “Amen,” I think. It’s going on my list of names to consider. I got lucky and found the book at Barnes and Noble in their bargain section – I probably wouldn’t have picked it up, since I don’t usually like biographies – but t would have been worth the full price. My only regret is that she stopped writing it before she did the roll that is my favorite so far (I’ve only briefly seen her in Sisters and never got the chance to watch Once and Again, but after this, I’m adding it to my Blockbuster que) – Stacy on House, MD. I really wish she had commented about her time working with Hugh Laurie. But for now, we can just say, I’m a HUGE fan of Sela Ward.

CD - oh, who cares?

Whoa is me! Temp was back up to usual post-ovulation ranges today. I actually slept really well last night, so I am confident that this temperature is correct at least. But does that mean I O-ed today, or that the last 2 days were flukey?

Had a really awful pain in my abdomen at one point today – ovarian pain – reminded me of the weeks leading up to my surgery.

A friend mentioned yesterday that she hated TTC. I can sort of understand that – the stress, the uncertainty, etc. But so far, if you can discount the stress of wanting it to happen ASAP, it hasn’t been too bad. I know – ask me again in a few months.

I’ve started to join the community of TTC-ers at BabyCenter.com. I need answers from those who have been there and were told they seem to really know their stuff. Hopefully I will get some answers for my apparently unusual questions (I call them that since I can’t seem to find answers from Dr. Google.)

Have decided to wait another couple of months before taking my concerns to my OB/GYN (who is the GREATEST OB/GYN in the WORLD, BTW). I love her. She reminds me of my sister, which is probably part of it, she is totally awesome. Typically, I refer to her by her first name – I think she needs a nn here on my blog to have a reasonable amount of privacy, etc. I’ll work on that.

Mr Moose is feeling better, I think – he returned to work today while taking antibiotics.

We’re watching Season 1 of Veronica Mars right now – I think I’ve got him hooked. We recently signed up for the new Blockbuster by mail deal and VM is our first experience. I heart Veronica. She’s just too cool. A friend from work hooked me onto the show this season and now I’m looking for backstory and watching the previous seasons. It’s interesting to see the guest stars/recurring stars they use – Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna play Logan’s parents (I’m told Alyson Hannigan – love her – plays his sister later on), etc. I think coming home yesterday and relaxing and watching some enjoyable TV was what I needed – it helped me sleep really well.

Soon to come: a discussion of my TV addiction in response to Arwen’s discussion of how they don’t own a TV and how they plan to handle TV and child.

CD 18

Another low temp this morning, dropped even from yesterdays. And I made sure I wasn’t freezing cold under the covers this time by adding a blanket. Fertility Friend went red light on me and I’m assuming I didn’t ovulate at all this month. I’m typically a 26-27 day cycle sort of girl, so doesn’t leave me much time, does it? What should I do? Go to the doctor? Keep checking my temp for another couple of months and then go to the doctor? But isn’t that just wasting time? If I know there is something wrong, do I have to wait the 12 months?

My sister wrote to me today to tell me she was really depressed about being so far away from her friends and family. She said she knows that life goes on whether you’re there or not, but she feels like she’s losing her friends and not being part of their lives, etc. It looks like they are only going to be able to afford to come home every other year now. So if she comes home this spring (they’ll be stateside April 1), I guess that means there is no way she’ll be here next spring for the birth of my baby if I manage to get PG by this summer. I really wanted her there for that. Not that I have any idea if I will be giving birth next spring, but I was hoping. This totally sucks.

Something happened with Mr Moose this week that made me think about what I would do if something happened to him. It terrified me. I didn’t sleep very well last night thinking about the possibility.

1 DPO?

I’m incredibly hormonal today. I started out the day pissy, I talked myself into getting better and my boss just pushed be back to pissy. Not bad for 9:30AM. I may or may not have o-ed. My temp this AM was down after my big jump yesterday, but I’m not sure it was accurate, as I think I’d been awake for too long and I was really cold. I’m having difficulty regulating the temp in my bedroom. I’m hot when we go to bed, so we turn up the fan and I love to sleep with covers on, but by morning – I’m freezing cold because the fan is up too high. And I seem to be waking up an hour or more before the alarm goes off and I can’t go back to sleep very easily. Yesterday, that worked to the advantage of my husband (he was awakened by “sleepy sex”), but today… I thought seriously about calling in to work today and didn’t since several co-workers are on vacation and I cover for them. I’m seriously regretting that decision right now.

At what point do you determine that your job is doing more harm than good? If it’s the stress of your job that is preventing you from getting pregnant or having a healthy pregnancy, what do you do? I feel like I haven’t had a “good week” at work in ages. I’m stressed, I’m angry, I’m irritated. Should I throw in the towel? Start looking elsewhere? Usually, I like my job, but lately… I’m not so sure.

TV Addictions

Blogger Heather at Unexplain This! Blogged this week about TV addictions: the secret addictions that you don’t want anyone to know about. Funny isn’t it that no one admits to watching these shows, but they must have decent ratings or they wouldn’t still be on…
I have also decided to confess my TV habits.

Wildfire of ABC-Family. Call it a regression to my 10-year-old horse-loving days, or call it that I like to look at pretty, shiny people. Whatever. Mr Moose hates it, so I DVR it and watch when he’s doing other things.

One Tree Hill: Not so much lately (especially since it’s been tossed for another show right now) but I used to be really into this. Again, the pretty, shiny people. I have a bit of a crush on Sophia Bush. She’s so incredibly glamorous and I’m amazed that she can still sizzle on-screen with her ex-husband. I also love her voice.

Soap Operas: As a kid, I got hooked on Days of Our Lives (love that Sami Brady) and General Hospital (Carly and Sonny, Brenda and whomever, Liz and Lucky… I could go on, but I’ll spare you). When we got SoapNet I started watching the other ABC soaps (All My Children and One Life To Live) and have gotten addicted to them as well. Again, Chuck hates this. We had a deal for awhile that I would give up soaps and he would give up his computer game – something to do with Madden Football. I recorded two episodes of OLTL this week because I wanted to see who Jessica chose – Nash or Antonio (I actually can’t stand Antonio. I’m totally rooting for Nash), but I did my best not to get hooked into other stories and fast forwarded through the other storylines. Again, pretty, shiny people. I love to read interviews and check out their hair and make-up and find out about their lives. I love Bree Williamson, Alison Sweeny, Rebecca Herbst, Alicia Minshew, Nancy Lee Grahn, Kirsten Storms, etc. I also think that having a new script every day of the week takes more talent than daytime actors get credit for. I even had s subscription to Soap Opera Digest for awhile (great bathroom reading).

America’s Next Top Model: My only reality TV show. I watched the first couple of seasons and then got a life. I watched Adrian and Yoanna win and followed Cycle 3 for a bit, but had no idea who won for awhile. I recently watched a marathon of last season (7) – back-to-back episodes, all day long. CariDee won. I can’t help it. Even more pretty, shiny people – plus make-up, hair, make-overs and modeling? How can I resist.

Grr. Argh.

Again, I have been a terrible blogger. I have had no time at work and no time (or energy) at home. I am on CD 10 and last night I had a weird pain near where my ovary is on my left side (the side that formerly had the large cyst that wouldn’t go away without surgery). Felt like my insides were tearing/pulling. And just when I was noticing that my scar was starting to fade, too. All is well this morning, though I’ve been fighting headaches for DAYS. Temps are also back to normal (they were oddly high for several days). The new time thing threw me COMPLETELY off and I forgot to temp at all when I got up on Sunday. Two hours later, I said “I forgot to temp today.” I suck at this. I’m going to be a terrible mother. Am I going to one day wake up and forget to feed the baby?

I’ve been freaking out at the prospect of returning to work after birth lately. Should we even be having children if we can’t afford to not have 2 incomes? My MIL did it – 4 times, but she also had free babysitting from her MIL. And I LOVE my friend M who will be watching my baby when I go back to work (she has an in-home daycare, is a former career nanny and has the exact same parenting style for her 2 children who are angels that I do), but do I really want her actually raising my child?

I know this is ridiculous. The baby won’t let me forget to feed it and M won’t actually be raising my child. I think I’m under too much stress. Which will probably keep me from getting pregnant and then I’ll have more time to stress about all this, isn’t that fantastic?

I’m obviously feeling a little overwhelmed today. (“I know you can be over whelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?” “I think you can in Europe.” – anyone who knows that quote gets a cookie.) I’m not in Europe, but I’m feeling a bit whelmed.

Work has been a little crazy and things at home seem a little tense, but I don’t know why. Several times in the last few days I’ve gotten very testy with Chuck and I’m not sure where it’s coming from. The headaches don’t help, but they aren’t the only thing bothering me. We’ve been doing a lot of stuff around the house, but that’s been mostly productive, so I don’t know why I’m whining.

We worked for the photographer over the weekend and shot a league that has a lot of little kids (a series of teams even is for 2-3 yr olds) – they were so cute and clueless that I kept saying to Mr MOose – “I want one!”

CD3

Yup, that’s right. BFN – but I hadn’t even gotten to that point yet. I was planning to wait until Monday to test at the earliest, since that would have meant that I was a 3 days later than last month, but Sunday AF came with a vengence and I was flat on my back moaning with cramps for most of Sunday afternoon. The good news is, I’m back to a more normal length cycle. Maybe I can stop worrying about that aspect of this deal. I was bummed a little, but it was somewhat expected since I had started the faintest bit of spotting on Saturday night.

In non-cycle news: Mr Moose is out of town again. He’s back in Indy for a total of 3 days, but no snow is forecasted. He comes home tomorrow night. I can’t wait.

We spent time in the yard on Sunday for an hour or so – we planted these beautiful red Gerbera daisies around our mailbox in the front (the only part of our front yard that actually gets full sun year-round) and I think it looks adorable and friendly (as Meg Ryan said, “don’t you think daisies are the friendliest flowers?”) and makes it look like someone actually lives there. While the lawn had been reasonably kept up by a hired service, the plants, etc that were in front of the house look over grown and random. Not much sun, since we face the north and so everything that grows gets leggy and we’re attempting to pull it all out and start over. Native plants (my mom and step-dad who are card carrying members of the Florida Native Plant Society are so proud) mostly. I also potted a beautiful peach-colored gerbera daisy and put it in the back yard. I never had a huge thing for gerberas until my childhood best friend, Katie got married last fall and had them in all her centerpieces. They looked so beautiful.

Eat Ice Cream - get PG

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/02/070228064902.htm

Julie over at alittlepregnant already mentioned this today, but I saw it on the news last night and announced to my husband that I would “do whatever it takes” to get pregnant. Even if that meant eating Edys ice cream. Who comes up with these things?

In my personal medical news, my heavy spotting of last night seems to have ebbed a bit this morning, though my monthly tummy troubles have only just begun. Nora Roberts book securely in purse, I’ve already made 2 trips to the ladies today.

Still avoiding alcohol (I’ve been SO good. I even made my mom my favorite cocktail on Tuesday night for Girl’s Night and fudged and made a virgin version – which was only truly drinkable as opposed to fantabulous – for myself. So don’t want to hear her hinting at whether or not I am, in fact expecting yet.) I was depressedly resigned last night when it looked the spotting was about to become a full-force period 1-2 days earlier that last month. But I’m still fairly pessimistic since the sensitive breasts seem to have disappeared completely in the last 24 hours. And in random health news: my ring finger rash seems to have come back – again. My engagement ring was left at home today and my wedding band is resting on my pinkie.