Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Starting Over

I started this blog a couple of years ago when the baby-itch hit me at it's hardest. I was ready to have a baby, even thought I might have "accidentally" gotten pregnant briefly and Daddy Fuss and I agreed to go off the pill.

For the first year of The Fuss's life, I was not even remotely close to ready to have another baby. I was terrified, in fact. Constantly thinking "I have trouble dealing with my newborn/infant, how could I do that and deal with a toddler?!?" I balked at the idea that several women I was pregnant with on the boards were already pregnant again (fine for them, but I'd start to hyperventilate at the thought). I was NOT ready for another baby. Even though I felt guilty - somehow felt that when my baby was 6 months old I was SUPPOSED to be back on the TTC train or something. But finally, Daddy Fuss and I talked about it in depth. And we came up with the date of after the first of the year, 2010. The Fuss would be nearly 2 and even if we got pregnant right away, she'd be nearly 3 by the time the new baby arrived. I was good with that. I let myself off the hook. I stopped thinking I was "supposed" to be doing something. I was so much happier with my situation.

But lately? I've been getting the itch. I look at my little girl - no longer a baby - and I miss having a tiny baby (not that she was ever TINY, but you know. She was born at 8lbs, 12oz). I'm putting away her baby clothes and I'm missing them.

So I said to Daddy Fuss this weekend - "I think I might want to get back on the baby wagon sooner than January." And he said, "okay." And I said, "I'm thinking after my birthday (which is August) because I'd really like to not be pregnant for my 29th birthday, so I can have a drink." And he said, "okay." I was surprised. I had to talk him into starting TTC 2 years ago. He's really glad that we did, now, but it was a hard sell back then.

So when I asked him about it, asked why it was so easy this time around he had several reasons. He told me that he thought I'd change my mind and want to up the date. He actually thought I'd choose coming home from vacation in June as my date instead of the end of the summer, but he understands why I want to wait until after my birthday. He also said that he's more comfortable becoming a father again than he was with the initial major life change of becoming a father for the first time. I get that. :)

So then I sent an email to a buddy from the old pregnancy boards (Hi, N!) that I was on while TTCing and pregnant with The Fuss. I loved the support of that group back then and was very sorry to lose contact with them when I had the baby and wasn't able to be near a computer all day like I was at work. My friend told me she was also getting ready to start working on baby #2, as were several others who I'd been pregnant with (we all delivered in about a 5-6 month period of one another). This clinched it for me, I think. I'm even considering starting sooner, but I really like the idea of waiting until my birthday. Not that there is any guarantee that I will get pregnant right away, but if I do...

So, I guess I'll be picking up TCOYF to review again soon. That was really the only "Trying" book that helped me. I had picked up a couple of others, but they were mostly geared toward navigating the ART realm and I wasn't at that point.

In other news, I had an awful headache today. It started on my morning walk (Have I mentioned I've been walking 2 mornings a week w/ a mommy-friend and her baby? The Fuss comes, too, of course. Sometimes we have another mommy friend come along, but mostly it's just the 2 of us and our offspring.) and got really bad when I was at the worst possible place to realize my head was aching to extreme proportions (the furthest spot on our loop - going forward would take as long as going back and there was no way to just stop and have them come back for me - you can't get a car on this trail). By the time I got home and got the baby down for a nap, breathing hurt my head. I took drugs, took a shower (often that helps, plus I felt really gross from the muggy morning and the walk) and took a nap. The headache never went away, really, even with drugs and caffeine (usually the combination of both, plus sleep will do it - this only made it so I could function. I was so nauseated that it reminded me of being pregnant. No chance of that - that time of month - but I kept it together, and lasted until Daddy Fuss got home from work.

I had a bit of frustration with him, though. I texted him shortly before his office closed for the day and told him as politely as possible that I'd really like him to be home on time. He's been working a ton lately, lots of late nights and "on time" has been a rarity. He called me shortly thereafter and said he was still working on something that should already be done, but should be done soon... I explained about the headache (had already mentioned it a couple of times in text and phone conversations during the day) and he said he'd be home soon, but needed to finish this... He called again a half hour later - around the time he should have been home initially to say he was just leaving the office, the thing he was working on wasn't working, so he was just bringing it home to work on tonight. I kept quiet, but had the thought "why couldn't you have just done that in the first place when I asked you to come home as soon as you could?" Sometimes I think he doesn't get how hard it is to take care of a baby when you're sick - be it headache-sick or whatever. I had considered asking him to come home early several times during the day, but I know he's got so much going on that I muddled through. I had this headache for 12 hours. It's only now becoming manageable. I considered going to urgent care a couple of times, it was that bad. Ah well, I survived, right? And he did cook dinner and give the baby a bath when he got home, so I guess I shouldn't complain too much.

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