Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Mom Job*

At church on Sunday they asked for all the mothers to stand to be recognized and then they prayed for us. Oddly enough, I almost didn't stand. I am a mother - when I look at The Fuss, I know this and I know she is mine and I love with all my heart, but for some reason I felt weird standing as a mother. Sort of like that "We're adults - when did that happen?" sort of feeling.

My SILs keep teasing Daddy Fuss about the minivan. I am so incredibly happy with my minivan. I guess when I realized I was ready to have a baby I embraced the details - I love carrying a diaper bag and I love driving my minivan. I like wearing practical clothes (shorts and t-shirts and tank tops) even if it makes me look a little frumpy and I often go without make-up... (this is a big deal for me - 3 years ago I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing shorts and t-shirts and my idea of my favorite clothes were dressy and I wore full make-up every day). But even though there are some things that I would change about being a SAHM, I think I really like it overall. I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea that this is my life.

I don't particularly think I'm good at anything. I did an okay job and was liked and got periodic raises and promotions based on my performance, but I think I was kind of lazy. I would do my work, but I'd rush through it pretty often to have time to spend surfing the internet. I liked the opportunity to socialize with my coworkers and I liked the office environment. I even liked doing some of the things I often complained about - like getting coffee for clients and ordering lunch and grocery shopping to stock the kitchen. I liked knowing a lot about the computers and fixing the problems that cropped up. But was I really good at it? Was it a career? Not really. It was a job. I never adored it.

I worry periodically about whether or not I'm a good mom. I feel so often like I don't know what I'm doing and I wonder if she would be better off in daycare, if I give her enough attention, if I teach her enough stuff. I love to read to her and play silly games, but I only have so much patience with toddler games and sometimes she gets so enamored that she starts to act up and I have to stop it. (like this beeping of the nose thing - she loves to touch my nose and hear me make noses like "beep" or "ding dong" or "buzz" but then she gets so excited that she starts hitting me, or scratching me - she doesn't mean to, but in her excitement she isn't as careful as she should be). And will I be a good mom to 2 kids?

*I borrowed the title of my post from Amanda. It just seemed appropriate for the subject of the post.

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