Colors

Is this really hard to read w/the orange-ish background? I love the colors, and my own computer's video card is going flukey, so I can't tell really. Leave me a comment if you want me to change or keep the colors/bg I have or not.

Thanks!

Icky.

I have not been feeling well for a couple days. It started Tuesday night and has continued. My stomach hurts - I am "stopped up" which is especially odd for me, but does occasionally happen. I have done all that I can think of to help things along - I came home early from work yesterday and "called out" today. In addition, my cell phone has not worked during almost all of that time. I am very frustrated with the phone company and very frustrated w/ my husband for not doing anything about it. He is the one with the working (work) phone, so since I'm stuck here without a phone, shouldn't he be trying to fix it instead of ignoring the problem and hoping it will fix itself?

In addition, I have a headache today- not enough caffeine, not enough food. I'm not a very happy girl right now.

It's funny, I really have a pretty good life - I have a beautiful, healthy daughter, a loving sweet brilliant husband and we're doing okay. But sometimes? The little things just get to me, you know?

Giving Myself a Break About Needing a Break

I realized today that I hold a lot of mommy-guilt when I feel like I need a break from the baby. Sometimes I don't even realize I need a break until I'm at the breaking point.
I'm with The Fuss 24-7. Daddy Fuss and I go out on a date an average of once a month and get a babysitter. I occasionally get someone to watch her for a couple of hours for a doctor's appointment or a haircut. But I don't often get breaks from the responsibilities of being on-call.

I feel awkward asking people to watch my child so I can go do something that she could be with me while doing. (that was an awkward sentence. but it's been a long day, so I'm not going to try to fix it). I feel bad when I simply want to go to the library, the mall, to Target and I could easily bring her with me. I also have minimal options when it comes to what to do with free time. :) My closest girlfriends work full time (though one is a teacher, so she'll be free-er soon) and when they have time, they want to spend it with their own kids that they are away from all day. And I really like having somebody to do things with instead of doing them by myself.

Little Things

The Fuss has done a couple of new things recently (in the last 48 hours)

1. This morning, she really wanted an animal cracker, which she recognized from the box. She was very clear in expressing her desire, though she wouldn't even try and talk it out. She pointed, she nodded when I asked if she wanted a cookie, she clapped when I pulled out the box. I tried to get her to say "cookie" and she wouldn't even try and mimic the sound, but when I said "will you say mama for a cookie?" she said "mama" and smiled. She totally got that cookie.

2. She pulled off her diaper during her afternoon nap. Typically, she sleeps dressed, but she had dumped her lunch all over her earlier and it's hot, even with the AC on, so I let her sleep in just her diaper. I won't be doing that again. Her nap was shorter than usual and she woke up crying. When I went in, her diaper was on the crib mattress and she was stark naked. Oops. Guess I'll be changing those sheets.

3. We went to a Memorial Day BBQ and pool party. 5 couples, each with 1 child under the age of 2. It was a blast, and The Fuss had been in the pool before, but this time she really loved it. It's the first swim for the season and I'm looking forward to seeing her swim more.

Isn't she the cutest thing?

Umbrella

This week has been nearly non-stop rain around here. I don't spend a lot of time outside as a rule, especially in the summer (I have some seriously fair skin) but who knew it would drive us a little crazy? Even my dogs were going a little nuts.

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We decided to finally purchase an umbrella stroller for The Fuss this weekend in preparation for our upcoming vacation. This is the first time we've had to pay full retail for a stroller since she was born - our first Travel System was a used-once garage sale find and our jogging stroller was a moving neighbor $20 deal.

I didn't get what I thought I was going to get, but it's cute, light, and has a visor thing for blocking some light/sun on her. It was also only $22, so when it inevitably dies on us, we can afford to replace it. :) I did all this research and then we bought the first one we happened to see in K-mart. Ah, well.

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The other night, Daddy Fuss was working late, I put the baby to bed at her usual time and dressed in some pretty lingerie. When he arrived home, he was greeted and we proceeded to... ahem, dessert and then I convinced him to order us a pizza. He was in the mood for Papa Johns so we called and ordered, we didn't have any cash and wanted to pay by bank card. Their system was down and after a minute of discussion, they gave us our pizza for free! Daddy Fuss said it was the best day he'd had all week.

"Big head want dolly"*

The Fuss had her 15-month appointment at the pediatrician today. She is perfect in weight, short and big-headed if you consider percentiles the way to figure these things. :) (50, 25, 90) She got 2 shots. It took 2 hours. We were an hour and a half late in putting her down for her afternoon nap which meant she was a holy terror at the doctor's. This was no surprise, because she had been a holy terror this morning, too.

I'm starting to have those "how can I have another baby when I can't handle the first one?" thoughts again, though my friend, M (mother of 3) assures me that I can.

This morning I went walking w/ mommy friend J and her son (6 weeks younger than The Fuss). She is sort of SuperMom. Part of that is that she has a super laid-back baby (which can be both a blessing and bothersome) and she is Type A all the way. I don't agree with everything she does as a mom, and I know she doesn't agree with all of my choices, and usually I don't have a problem with that. But today? As during our entire 2-mile walk my daughter cried/fussed/whined and her child sat there quietly munching on his Cheerios. I was so embarassed.

She cried and complained for 30 minutes (a record for her) when I put her down for her nap upon returning home from the park. She whined and complained after her nap when I tried to change her/dress her/put her socks on/herd her out the door. She fussed repeatedly in the van on the way to meet her Daddy for lunch. She mostly behaved while eating, but complained during the car ride to the doctor's office.

It's been a rough day. I am tired. And my husband isn't coming home until late because of the stupid mandatory overtime at his job. I want to put the baby to bed early, and sit down to a meal of cheese fries and margaritas. I will do none of this, but it's a nice dream.

Lots more posting to do, but those are for another day.

*Gilmore Girls quote - apparently, Lorelai's first full sentence as a toddler. :)

First and Last

I stole this from Amanda's archives because I wanted to and kept thinking of my answers as I read hers.

First Memory: I would have been 2 or 3 and I was yelling at my cousin, Wesley. Don't remember why.

First Kiss: Adam - I was 15, we were at church. I accidentally got lipstick on his collar and I remember he made a big deal about trying to hide it from him mom.

First Love: I guess my first long-term boyfriend, though I'm loathe to admit it. He was literally, the biggest mistake of my life.

First Thought in the Morning: Depends, but usually has something to do with having to pee.

First Question I'll Ask in Heaven how did Eve figure out all the womanly stuff? First period, first baby, etc.?

First Thought Upon Hearing the Word "Vacation": Yay! I'm ready.

First Best Friend: Kelly Mikkola. But she moved away when I was in 1st grade.

Last Food I Ate: Seafood Gumbo - yum!

Last Time I Cried: Reading Heather's blog

Last Good Book I Read: rerun of Antiques by Sharon Gillenwater. First run book? Breaking Dawn. Yes, that one.

Last Hug That Melted My Heart: getting Caroline out of the car while sleeping - she snuggled up to me as I carried her to her crib and held on in her sleep.

Last Funny Thing I Did: No clue. I have my funny moments, but they are few and far between, I'm afraid.

Last TV Show: NCIS. Reruns on USA - I'm so addicted. I can watch them all day. And I have. They run marathons all the time.

Last Place to go on Vacation: Orlando - we did MGM for Daddy Fuss's birthday.

Can I tag Maggie or is it not fair to tag people when you stole someone else's survey?

Clean up and Looking on the Bright Side

I am very proud of myself today. I came home from work and made myself and The Fuss some lunch and then, while she played I did laundry. Despite the fact that I am developing some sort of cold and have basically been up since 3:30 this morning, when I put her down for her nap, I picked up the bathroom (scrubbed the sink and counter, put stuff away, etc.), picked up a few things in the living room and picked up the kitchen.

Daddy Fuss has mandatory over-time this week and will not be leaving the office until 8pm every night. Ugh. But I really wanted him to come home and see that I had done some work on the house. I want him to feel good when he comes home. I know he's going to be tired and hungry. And he's not going to get to see the baby since she will be in bed, so major bummer.

I am so tired, despite the nap that I took post-clean up.

But I also am looking forward to my haircut tomorrow (I pay more to this lady than I have ever paid for a haircut, but I feel so cute and fabulous after she is done with me, that I really think it's worth it) and then a lunch out with my husband. :) He also promised to take us out to lunch again on Thursday, which I also have have off(!) before we go to The Fuss's 15-month pediatrician appointment.

The Mom Job*

At church on Sunday they asked for all the mothers to stand to be recognized and then they prayed for us. Oddly enough, I almost didn't stand. I am a mother - when I look at The Fuss, I know this and I know she is mine and I love with all my heart, but for some reason I felt weird standing as a mother. Sort of like that "We're adults - when did that happen?" sort of feeling.

My SILs keep teasing Daddy Fuss about the minivan. I am so incredibly happy with my minivan. I guess when I realized I was ready to have a baby I embraced the details - I love carrying a diaper bag and I love driving my minivan. I like wearing practical clothes (shorts and t-shirts and tank tops) even if it makes me look a little frumpy and I often go without make-up... (this is a big deal for me - 3 years ago I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing shorts and t-shirts and my idea of my favorite clothes were dressy and I wore full make-up every day). But even though there are some things that I would change about being a SAHM, I think I really like it overall. I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea that this is my life.

I don't particularly think I'm good at anything. I did an okay job and was liked and got periodic raises and promotions based on my performance, but I think I was kind of lazy. I would do my work, but I'd rush through it pretty often to have time to spend surfing the internet. I liked the opportunity to socialize with my coworkers and I liked the office environment. I even liked doing some of the things I often complained about - like getting coffee for clients and ordering lunch and grocery shopping to stock the kitchen. I liked knowing a lot about the computers and fixing the problems that cropped up. But was I really good at it? Was it a career? Not really. It was a job. I never adored it.

I worry periodically about whether or not I'm a good mom. I feel so often like I don't know what I'm doing and I wonder if she would be better off in daycare, if I give her enough attention, if I teach her enough stuff. I love to read to her and play silly games, but I only have so much patience with toddler games and sometimes she gets so enamored that she starts to act up and I have to stop it. (like this beeping of the nose thing - she loves to touch my nose and hear me make noses like "beep" or "ding dong" or "buzz" but then she gets so excited that she starts hitting me, or scratching me - she doesn't mean to, but in her excitement she isn't as careful as she should be). And will I be a good mom to 2 kids?

*I borrowed the title of my post from Amanda. It just seemed appropriate for the subject of the post.

Fuzzy.Buns?

I am considering switching to cloth diapers for child #2. I have heard some very good things about the options out there - g-diapers, bumgenius!, fuzzi bunz, etc. I have a couple of reasons -
1. They look really cute.
2. I'm told they do not leak
3. I'm told they are more cost effective if you stick with them
4. The environmental benefits (though, there is debate over the water vs. landfill problem. Here in FL, I wonder if the water issue should be given more weight?)

But mostly, I kind of think it might be fun and might be a good project for me. But I'm sort of afraid that it's going to be "fun" like having glasses was fun when I was 11. (I was so excited and thrilled and I really wanted them and love to wear them and then the novelty wore off and they were uncomfortable and I had to keep them clean and they would slip off my nose... ah, memories). And I don't want to waste money because start up can be kind of pricey (the cost-effectiveness is over time).

So I continue to research, and pour over blogs and info and listen to reports from my message board mommy friends.

But the question is, should I try it on The Fuss before we get around to having FutureBaby? Or should I simply start with a small amount on FutureBaby and see how things go, etc. ?

I started reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility again this week. I knew I needed a refresher in charting/temping for the upcoming months. But I had forgotten how much I had forgotten (ha ha) and I'm so glad I'm re-reading it.

The Fuss has been a total handful the last couple of days. She is into everything, throws tantrums, is uncooperative, demanding, etc. She is also sweet, cuddly, adorable and flirtatious. Her hair has gotten so curly, and the slightest bit of moisture (just a tiny bit of sweat or whatever) makes it a mass of beautiful baby curls. She gets the color from Daddy Fuss, but the curls? They're all mine. Heather recommended a baby shampoo for curly hair that I picked up today. I haven't used it yet, but I'm looking forward to seeing how it does in her hair.

I went to Target today for the first time in 2 1/2 weeks. This is some sort of record for me. I had gotten into the habit of going once or twice a week. I was spending so much extra money that I was trying to back off of my frequency. But Mother's Day cards, shampoo and feminine products were required, so I took the plunge.
I had read a blog post about Target-addictions recently. I can't remember who wrote it, not someone that I usually follow. But she said she figured out that she was spending an extra $120 per month on unneccesary Target purchases. She stopped going to Target altogether, buys her former Target stuff at the grocery store or at drugstore.com, even if it's a little more expensive.
I go in with a list and then I see things that I hadn't remember I needed, so I get those, too. Or I see a cute little shirt for The Fuss, or I realize I'm hungry and I need a snack. I've spent a lot of money over the last year on things I didn't need just because they were there.
So I'm doing my best to keep to the list, to not go every week just because. It's hard because it was something I could use each week to get out of the house, to distract The Fuss, to waste a little time before putting her down for a nap. But things will be better in the long run if I can keep our spending to a minimum, right?

Bathing suit shopping

I worked today and then The Fuss, my mom and I went shopping. I had to buy a bathing suit for our upcoming vacation. The first one since having a baby. Ugh. This is tempered by the fact that in addition to finding a bathing that looks halfway decent on, I also refuse to pay a ton of money on one (and, of course, we don't have a lot, either). So I had a budget. A small one, apparently since many bathing suit prices are more than I spend on a a good pair of jeans.

But I found one, it looks pretty good (or as good as a bathing suit can look on a post-baby body). My mom didn't like my choice until I put it and a couple of others on. The plain brown halter style tankini seemed to her to be boring (I'm calling it classic) so she kept pushing other prints and styles on me, but ultimately we went with the classic one since it looked WAY better than the others.

I hate the way my stomach looks post-baby. I've never had a flat tummy, really, but now it's extra soft, flabby, white and stretch-marked. Ugh. But I hate wearing a one piece and having to go to the bathroom (a problem I always have to deal with, I'll spare you the details of my latest incident) and so I felt like I needed a 2 piece, regardless of the tummy showing problem. The top is long, though so I can pull it down pretty far. I still need a cover-up though!

Anybody got suggestions for a really good sunscreen? I am fair and burn really easily. I'd really like to try the spray-on stuff, but wonder if it's any good.

While we were at the store buying my suit and my mom some new summer clothes (her shopping weakness - she loves clothes) - The Fuss was watching her try on sunglasses and kept wanting to try them on herself. Eventually, while we were in the baby department, we found a pair of baby sunglasses. She adored them, though she likes taking them on and off as much as she likes wearing them.



She's frowning at the hat, not the glasses. My mom desperately wants her to wear hats, but she hates them.

In Support of Maddie and her family

I love the blogging community. I know there are many blogger communities out there, but the infertility and mommy-blogger communities touch my heart. I am moved every time I hear about someone in need being cared for by people who are effectively strangers IRL.

The above link/sign is for a fund raiser in honor of Maddie Spohr who passed away last month. If you are into beauty products, check it out. If you're not, check out the March of Dimes site anyway and see if there is something you can do.

My heart goes out to Heather and Mike in their time of grief.

Starting Over

I started this blog a couple of years ago when the baby-itch hit me at it's hardest. I was ready to have a baby, even thought I might have "accidentally" gotten pregnant briefly and Daddy Fuss and I agreed to go off the pill.

For the first year of The Fuss's life, I was not even remotely close to ready to have another baby. I was terrified, in fact. Constantly thinking "I have trouble dealing with my newborn/infant, how could I do that and deal with a toddler?!?" I balked at the idea that several women I was pregnant with on the boards were already pregnant again (fine for them, but I'd start to hyperventilate at the thought). I was NOT ready for another baby. Even though I felt guilty - somehow felt that when my baby was 6 months old I was SUPPOSED to be back on the TTC train or something. But finally, Daddy Fuss and I talked about it in depth. And we came up with the date of after the first of the year, 2010. The Fuss would be nearly 2 and even if we got pregnant right away, she'd be nearly 3 by the time the new baby arrived. I was good with that. I let myself off the hook. I stopped thinking I was "supposed" to be doing something. I was so much happier with my situation.

But lately? I've been getting the itch. I look at my little girl - no longer a baby - and I miss having a tiny baby (not that she was ever TINY, but you know. She was born at 8lbs, 12oz). I'm putting away her baby clothes and I'm missing them.

So I said to Daddy Fuss this weekend - "I think I might want to get back on the baby wagon sooner than January." And he said, "okay." And I said, "I'm thinking after my birthday (which is August) because I'd really like to not be pregnant for my 29th birthday, so I can have a drink." And he said, "okay." I was surprised. I had to talk him into starting TTC 2 years ago. He's really glad that we did, now, but it was a hard sell back then.

So when I asked him about it, asked why it was so easy this time around he had several reasons. He told me that he thought I'd change my mind and want to up the date. He actually thought I'd choose coming home from vacation in June as my date instead of the end of the summer, but he understands why I want to wait until after my birthday. He also said that he's more comfortable becoming a father again than he was with the initial major life change of becoming a father for the first time. I get that. :)

So then I sent an email to a buddy from the old pregnancy boards (Hi, N!) that I was on while TTCing and pregnant with The Fuss. I loved the support of that group back then and was very sorry to lose contact with them when I had the baby and wasn't able to be near a computer all day like I was at work. My friend told me she was also getting ready to start working on baby #2, as were several others who I'd been pregnant with (we all delivered in about a 5-6 month period of one another). This clinched it for me, I think. I'm even considering starting sooner, but I really like the idea of waiting until my birthday. Not that there is any guarantee that I will get pregnant right away, but if I do...

So, I guess I'll be picking up TCOYF to review again soon. That was really the only "Trying" book that helped me. I had picked up a couple of others, but they were mostly geared toward navigating the ART realm and I wasn't at that point.

In other news, I had an awful headache today. It started on my morning walk (Have I mentioned I've been walking 2 mornings a week w/ a mommy-friend and her baby? The Fuss comes, too, of course. Sometimes we have another mommy friend come along, but mostly it's just the 2 of us and our offspring.) and got really bad when I was at the worst possible place to realize my head was aching to extreme proportions (the furthest spot on our loop - going forward would take as long as going back and there was no way to just stop and have them come back for me - you can't get a car on this trail). By the time I got home and got the baby down for a nap, breathing hurt my head. I took drugs, took a shower (often that helps, plus I felt really gross from the muggy morning and the walk) and took a nap. The headache never went away, really, even with drugs and caffeine (usually the combination of both, plus sleep will do it - this only made it so I could function. I was so nauseated that it reminded me of being pregnant. No chance of that - that time of month - but I kept it together, and lasted until Daddy Fuss got home from work.

I had a bit of frustration with him, though. I texted him shortly before his office closed for the day and told him as politely as possible that I'd really like him to be home on time. He's been working a ton lately, lots of late nights and "on time" has been a rarity. He called me shortly thereafter and said he was still working on something that should already be done, but should be done soon... I explained about the headache (had already mentioned it a couple of times in text and phone conversations during the day) and he said he'd be home soon, but needed to finish this... He called again a half hour later - around the time he should have been home initially to say he was just leaving the office, the thing he was working on wasn't working, so he was just bringing it home to work on tonight. I kept quiet, but had the thought "why couldn't you have just done that in the first place when I asked you to come home as soon as you could?" Sometimes I think he doesn't get how hard it is to take care of a baby when you're sick - be it headache-sick or whatever. I had considered asking him to come home early several times during the day, but I know he's got so much going on that I muddled through. I had this headache for 12 hours. It's only now becoming manageable. I considered going to urgent care a couple of times, it was that bad. Ah well, I survived, right? And he did cook dinner and give the baby a bath when he got home, so I guess I shouldn't complain too much.