Thursday, January 4, 2007

My reasons why I read... (it's a long one!)

I’ve been playing catch up reading the old posts for a new infertility blog over at and reading Alli’s story. Parts of it are heartbreaking. And while I’m hardly dealing with the same things these women are (Julie, Heather, Alli, etc.) I can’t help but be terrified. It’s weird, I know. Why psych myself up like that? Well, to be honest, I have a few reasons.

Initially, I came across Julie’s blog when I thought I might be pregnant, unplanned. (antibiotics and BC don’t mix well and I was acting all weepy, etc.) I googled something (can’t remember what) and got to Julie’s site. It ended up actually being after she had Charlie, but I started at the beginning of her posts and read the whole story, often loosing track of the fact that this was actually several years earlier. She is an awesome writer and the ordeal she went through, while incredibly tragic, was just so riveting (I hope this doesn’t sound weird) that I totally got hooked. It’s so incredible that she has been able to tell this story and also be support and supported by her internet friends who are going through similar trials. She’s an amazing woman. Anyway, I now check it daily for her updates and have even commented a few times. I haven’t left my URL yet, because I don’t want her to feel like I’m being entertained by her situation (although she can be INCREDIBLY Entertaining. You should see her infertility snowflakes and her banned-infertility art) if she comes over here and reads that I really haven’t had any complications or anything. Maybe I’m weird.

Secondly, my grandmother was told she would never have children back in the 40s because of some physical issues, like a tipped uterus (I also have this, but Liz, my OB/GYN has said it’s equated to being left-handed – no worries), etc. She had 3 children, but it still scares me. My mom had to try for 4 years to have me and had the fertility meds in her purse when she found out she was pregnant. She got pregnant one other time, but lost it (I think I mentioned this before – it was either ectopic or miscarried, I’m not sure). My sister (keep in mind, she is not biologically related to me) also has a tipped uterus and had trouble getting pregnant with her first child. Her doctor blamed this on the angle of her uterus, so now I’m wondering what effect mine will have on my getting pregnant. She didn’t have much difficulty getting pregnant with #2 and #3 was a happy accident, so after that it was smooth sailing, but still…

Thirdly, I have a weird medical history of abdominal problems that defy odds and statistics and family history. I am 26 years old and have had kidney stones 5 times, beginning when I was 19. I have inconsistent irritable bowels that no one else in my family has (mom has issues, but they are opposite mine and are attributed to scar tissue built up from her 3 abdominal surgeries beginning with my birth and the ensuing infection she got after they screwed up her C-section.) I get migraines, which no one in my family gets and I have a weak/hypersensitive vagal nerve, which causes me to pass out with intense abdominal pain. I have also had abdominal surgery to remove a large golfball-sized cyst from my left ovary in the past year and my doc told me to try and get pregnant before one came back again.

So, I’m scared about my fertility. I am also research crazy - always wanting to know the best and worst possibilities. I read the books and scour the internet. I want to be prepared. And I want to know there are women out there who will be able to offer encouragement.

Does it seem like more and more women are having cysts and endometriosis, etc? Or maybe just more of them talk about it now. My BF had a cyst the same time as mine (hers showed up after and she got the laparoscopy instead of the laparotomy because mine was bigger) and my college roommate has polycystic ovaries and can’t get pregnant (she has 2 adorable adopted children now and when I think about the blessing that she is in their lives, I know it was always God’s plan for her). My RD in college had severe endometriosis and a friend of mine had the lap surgery in her mid-twenties to remove cysts as well. What is it that we are doing to our bodies that is making more and more women have these problems?

One of the blogs I read talks about her reaction when her son was born. The moment he was out and they announced that she had a baby boy, her first words were “I love him!” I think that is so incredibly cute. And it’s weird, because I desperately want to have that reaction, too. As a matter of fact, I think about how in some weird way, I already feel that way about my potential child… I’m so ready to have a baby to love.

Random thought: I am in charge of checking/clearing the SPAM filter for my office email system. I do it several times a day. When I see SPAM emails to my bosses that include the subject lines similar to “wanna be a REAL man?” and “Please your girlriend THIS way” I get creeped out, even though I know it’s SPAM. I laugh when those same emails get sent to our FEMALE Traffic Manager.

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