I just don't like myself very much right now.
I feel like a failure as a woman, a mother, a wife, a mother-to-be and let's not even get started on how I have no career or prospect of one and while I love being a mom and staying home with my child(ren), I don't feel I am fulfilled with that being my purpose.
1. I feel ugly and gross. I am becoming frumpy and blah and just all-around unattractive and I feel like I can't do a thing about it. My hair is gross, my make-up is awful, my skin is gross (pregnancy acne anyone?) and I'm heavy and I'm not just talking about my pregnancy belly. I have few clothes that fit (thanks to the pregnancy and the whole opposite seasons-issue) and no money to do anything about any of the above.
2. I accidentally shut my darling 2-year-old's arm in the door of my mini van yesterday. Her soft little baby arm has a really bad bruise and she cried for what seemed like forever and at the time didn't even let me comfort her - it was like she knew it was my fault and didn't want my comfort. I THINK she is fine, but will have the pediatrician look at it today or tomorrow (already a scheduled appointment on Thursday) to verify the unlikelyhood of a fracture. This is only one example of how I am feeling like a failure in this department, but really, isn't that enough? I've yelled at my kid several times over the last few days, I have very little patience right now and I wish she would JUST STOP MISBEHAVING!
3. I feel so achy and gross these days that my chores around the house are slipping. I am behind in my laundry, I never did run the dishwasher this morning, and my husband who seems to be coming down with some sort of congestion and isn't feeling well himself is cooking most of the meals. I'm a terrible wife.
4. I'm not really enjoying this pregnancy - I just want it over with. I'm not eating right because I just don't feel like putting in the effort because I feel so gross and I seem to have every non-problematic (for the pregnancy) ache and pain you can have lately.
5. I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I want to be a good wife and mother, but I feel like I'm failing at that miserably. I have little to no skills or experience in any field of interest and lately, I'm not entirely sure I even have any interests left! I had so many things I was interested in in high school and college. What happened? I loved taking classes (I hated taking tests, but the actual lectures were fine) and had varied interests in all sorts of different things. And now? If you were to tell me you could snap your fingers and make me educated and capable of any job/career I desired I wouldn't be able to tell you what it was that I desired. Seems crazy, huh?
I used to be this really positive person. I was sort of known for it, growing up. I'm an optimist, a friendly sort, and cheerful person. But lately, I feel like all I do is whine and complain and I can't seem to snap out of it. I don't want to be this person, but here I am, complaining some more. I can't even imagine why anyone would want to be around me these days. And since I have few friends at this point, I guess they don't.