The worry and the happy

So I am just about 5 weeks pregnant. I’m still giddy when I hear/say that. My mother was ecstatic and so was my BFF, K.

But I still have all this worry. Of course, I’ve read that that is totally normal. And I’m feeling a little better now that my dr’s office called to say my quantitative HCG was right where it should be. And I took 2 more tests over the weekend to make sure the line was darker and still there, etc.

I remember reading posts on infertility blogs over the last year that talked about how they almost couldn’t enjoy their pregnancy because of the fear/worry, etc. How every moment they felt as if they were waiting for the pregnancy to fail and they never got to enjoy the happiness of “being pregnant”. I thought that was crazy. And neurotic. And now I see a little bit of that in myself. Oh, I’m enjoying the dreams of how to plan the nursery, what to name my baby if it’s a girl (the boy name has been picked out for eons), even the thought of maternity clothes (don’t ask. I know I’m a little odd), and I’m reminding myself to enjoy each moment of this preparation time, this last time with only my husband, etc. But there are moments when I feel a little twitch, twinge, ache and I wonder “is this the end of that baby I so desperately wanted?”

For example, I took a test last night right before bed. It gave me a + pretty quickly and then I said “I don’t know what compelled me to do that”, but that wasn’t exactly honest. Yes, I had already opened the wrapper hours earlier so that I could give that one to my mom (it was a + or – read out, where as my other one was a double line) and oddly couldn’t pee on command at the moment. So I could hardly shove it back in the cabinet for a year or more (please!) until the next time I needed to test for baby number 2. But, truly? I just wanted to make sure it was real. That it was still hanging out and still with me.

My in-laws (his mom, grandmother and 2 younger sisters) reactions to come in a later post after we tell them tonight. We are mostly worried about the sister who won’t be at dinner tonight who has been trying to get pregnant herself for about a year.