Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I really just want a nap.

Sometimes I feel like these meds are all about making me sleepy, but doing nothing else. I'm still irritable and angry a lot, I'm a lot more anxious than I ever was, I'm a lot more anti-social... I spent 2 whole days coming up with excuses to not go to Cherry's party this weekend. My husband had to talk me into RSVPing as it was, and then he spent Monday reminding me that I'd have fun once I got there. That is totally not me. And I know this, but I can't seem to get past it.

When Fuss was a baby, I spent 3 mornings a week hanging out with my BFF at work. (She worked for my dad so I could do that.) I would make plans on the days she didn't work with other friends, I was walking with Jo, etc. I planned most of my errands for those days. I would do anything to get out of the house and it worked for me. Even a few months ago, I was doing my best to get out of the house 3-4 days a week - errands, visiting friends, play dates, whatever. But now it seems like SO much effort and I'd rather just sit here, locked in the house with my crazy kids. And to be honest, if I had my way, I'd spend my days sleeping and watching TV and would make the kids fend for themselves. (Not possible, and I am still interacting with them, etc.) But I feel awful all the time.

I told my mom last week that I was taking anti-depressants and she took it with no surprise or judgement and even told me that she took them for awhile when I was a kid. She was able to stop after a long family vacation we had where she was able to unplug, get away from her schedule and just relax for 2 weeks. I don't see that happening here any time soon, so for now, I'm hanging on.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry I haven't commented before now. I've been thinking about you.
    Medication is just a band-aid. That being said, you could need a higher dosage or even a different medication. When I took a low dose of P@xil for mild PPD, it took the edge off. However, it didn't make me suddenly 'ok' with everything. What it DID do, was make me see HOW to change my life so that I could be ok with things.
    The bigger picture, as I see it, is you get NO time to yourself. That is just not sustainable. You can have the best husband and kids in the world, but if you never get time to be alone, then guess what? You are going to start resenting the people in your life no matter how much you love them.
    I've said this in the past, but you have GOT to find a way to get those couple hours to yourself during the day. Even if it means keeping the baby with you while Fuss goes to a preschool in the morning (because lets face it, he's easier than her at the moment). Sit down, look at the budget, and see what can be cut to make it happen. Because honestly? Having some breathing room is WAY more important than anything you may be currently spending money on.
    I'm always reading and always an email away. I get where you are, I understand. If we lived close, I would help in any way I could.