I've been missing for a few days due to some craziness and some catastrophes. On Sunday, Fuss purposely smeared water all over her daddy's laptop and now the monitor on the laptop is friend, so we have Frankensteined the computer to an old monitor. I suppose it could be worse and I could have lost the whole thing, but this is incredibly inconvenient to a girl who hasn't sat at a desktop computer for any length of time for over 3 years.
We spent Monday morning at the zoo with my BFF and her boys and the kids had a blast. But it was SO hot, mid-90s, very little breeze, mild cloud cover, incredibly humid. I was sweating within minutes and the Little Man who is very temperature sensitive was cranky by the end. There is just no break from the heat at the park, so it was a long, hot morning.
Monday night I had my first cake decorating class (which was sort of a nightmare - this lady was so flustered by the fact that they overbooked the class to almost double the capacity that she wasted nearly the whole first hour and got nothing accomplished and was so spacy... I am hoping that that is what the problem was and that she won't be like this every week because she was seriously awful.
Immediately after that, I had my first MOPs Steering Team Committee meeting which was long, but very productive. I didn't realize we'd be out so late and I didn't get home until after 9:30 and needed to feed the hungry baby before he could go to sleep.
Tuesday was a very bad day. I'd gotten little sleep the night before due to a congested baby waking up every hour and I was already on edge. When Fuss refused to eat the food that we had for her (left overs - her requested dinner from the night before which she hadn't touched) she was then difficult and cranky too, and the combination just didn't work well. I had one of my crazy bouts of anger and had to lock myself in my room for a bit and turn off the monitor because I couldn't handle it. My friend M talked me down and my husband came home for lunch and allowed me to get a short nap. The day got better, but it was still this miserable cloud hanging over me. I don't know if my meds aren't working, the the lack of sleep just didn't allow them to work well enough that particular day or what. I hate being angry all the time and I just want to be me again, be friendly and fun to be with and be a good mom to my kids. I was not a good mom on Tuesday. I shouldn't have even been around my kids.
We may be coming to a point where I'm going to have to tell more people about my struggles. My husband wants me to tell my SILs because he thinks they might have the opportunity to help me and would be more willing if they knew what was going on. I hate the idea of telling them that I can't handle my life. I am already incredibly vulnerable to them - I've never felt accepted by them, I always feel judged and I am hate the idea of showing them this major imperfection in myself. In addition, I know they have made some disparaging comments about a couple of cousins who are on anti-depression meds (one of which should actually probably be on anti-drama meds, but they haven't yet come up with those, so this is why she's on anti-depressants) so I hate to think of them talking about me behind my back in the same way.