Thursday, June 25, 2009

16 months

I read The Spohrs are Multiplying almost daily. My heart breaks for Heather and Mike at the loss of their daughter. It seems like a bad dream - a TV show or something, and it's not even happening to me. I keep thinking that she's going to get her daughter back - or that the show will end and the little actress who played Maddie on the Spohr show will come back on screen for a final curtain call, then go on to play some other adorable baby on some CBS sitcom or something.

The Fuss is 16 months today. Maddie was 17 months old when she passed away. For some reason, I am worried about when The Fuss turns 17 months. I have no reason to think that anything will happen to her - she is a very healthy little girl, we take the recommended precautions, etc. But for some reason, that age looming in front of us sometimes terrifies me.

Sometimes I forget, though. And I wonder if I hold my breath if I can rush through this age until she can talk/can be reasoned with/is in school half the day. But I don't want to miss things. I don't want to miss one day of her life. I want to enjoy her and remember her and live every day with her.

She drives me bonkers sometimes, but I love her so much. Some days I want to have another one so badly - I want to recreate this miracle in front of me, I want to relive the early days now that I am more confident. And some days I wonder how on earth I'm going to handle 2! What if the second one is more difficult? What if The Fuss has major jealousy issues that we have to deal with?

Ultimately, I know we will try to have another child. And probably soon. (We're looking at the insurance/cost issues now or we'd probably be off the pill already). But sometimes I wonder what it's going to be like. I guess it will be both wonderful and terrifying at the same time.

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