Sometimes, I feel useless. We were having a conversation on Luckies recently and it just reminded me that other than staying home with this kids, I am somewhat useless to our family. I mean, it's important to be home with the kids and I'm glad that I am, but if I did need to get a job? Or if I needed to get out of the house at some point to restore my sanity? Or when the kids go to school and I'm trying to come up with something useful to do to bring in some income? I've got nothing.
I spent SO much money on my degree and I'm not using it. And I really never did. I had a couple of jobs within the industry after I graduated, but they were all short-term jobs. I remember my first interview after graduation was for a job that paid - no kidding - $7 an hour. I'm like "you want a college degree for this position, and you're only paying $7? You have got to be kidding me." Just proof that having a college degree and an education doesn't mean anything in this world. I got my job at the agency based on my self-taught skills, not my degree. Yes, I had a better working knowledge of the industry because of my degree, but in the end that meant nothing. I was the lowest paid person in the office - for years. People got hired after me to do portions of my job and they made more than I did (after working there for 2-3 years at that point) to start with.
It makes me feel useless when I think about it. And even when I don't... sometimes I feel like maybe I am not the best mother for my kids. Sure, I am nursing my son, and that is extremely important, but beyond that... am I really doing anything for my kids that any number of competent adults couldn't do just as well... or better? I should do more with Fuss, but I have no idea HOW to do more. I don't know how to teach her. I don't know what to teach her. I am so out of shape that I feel like I can't be all that active with her and I can't really take her to the park and chase after her because I'm also trying to juggle the baby. (And I want MORE kids? I can't handle the 2 I've got!)
I'm not even that good at keeping my house. It's always messy. Lately, it's not just messy, it's a disaster. We have too much stuff, it's not organized and I don't have a clue where to begin, despite looking for and getting all sorts of "general purpose" advice from websites and books about organization.
I don't know why my husband loves me. I have no idea why he finds me attractive. I am not attractive. I'm overweight and flabby. I'm gross. And even when I have motivation, I seem to be stymied at every turn. (I've had the desire to start running this week - talk about a weird thing for me - and it has been raining. Seriously?)
This post is really depressing. I'm just going to end it here, without looking for a better way to wrap it up.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Too much stuff
I remember realizing as a kid that I had SO many toys and that if I only had a few, I would appreciate them more. But I liked them all just enough that I didn't want to give them up. It was a slippery slope. And something I've dealt with ever since. I like "things." I want possessions. I like gadgets and books and things to hold on to. I'm not greedy, per se (although, I admit that it can sometimes come close to that on occasion), but I like having things and buying things and being given things...
When we were pregnant with Fuss, we decided that we were going to have a minimal amount of kid toys in the house. And at birthdays and Christmas we would sort through the old toys and donate or put away the ones she didn't need anymore to make room for the new things. I think part of the reason I prefer not to have parties for her is to avoid the CPC (Cheap Plastic Crap) Syndrome. I hate getting a bunch of junk for her, though I do like to see her happy. And I like to give her things and let her pick out things. She's such a little shopper...
But the thing is, it's gotten out of hand. Her room is a disaster, despite the many bins and such that I have bought to keep things organized, there are toys all over the floor. Because she has such a big space and it's her own little play room, I've not stayed on top of her while she's playing to put something away before she gets another something out. So there are blocks and play food and dishes and costumes all over. There are 42 stuffed animals and dolls in her bed.
I have the thought of throwing up my hands and dumping all of it and starting over. Both in her room, and in mine. But I can't afford to start over, so I have to put in the effort, despite my exhaustion. Despite my irritation at the projects at hand. I feel like I'm always treading water with this organization thing. I feel like I can never seem to move forward because the task at hand is so big and crazy that I can't ever really make a dent in it.
When we were pregnant with Fuss, we decided that we were going to have a minimal amount of kid toys in the house. And at birthdays and Christmas we would sort through the old toys and donate or put away the ones she didn't need anymore to make room for the new things. I think part of the reason I prefer not to have parties for her is to avoid the CPC (Cheap Plastic Crap) Syndrome. I hate getting a bunch of junk for her, though I do like to see her happy. And I like to give her things and let her pick out things. She's such a little shopper...
But the thing is, it's gotten out of hand. Her room is a disaster, despite the many bins and such that I have bought to keep things organized, there are toys all over the floor. Because she has such a big space and it's her own little play room, I've not stayed on top of her while she's playing to put something away before she gets another something out. So there are blocks and play food and dishes and costumes all over. There are 42 stuffed animals and dolls in her bed.
I have the thought of throwing up my hands and dumping all of it and starting over. Both in her room, and in mine. But I can't afford to start over, so I have to put in the effort, despite my exhaustion. Despite my irritation at the projects at hand. I feel like I'm always treading water with this organization thing. I feel like I can never seem to move forward because the task at hand is so big and crazy that I can't ever really make a dent in it.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
10 on Tuesday: Foodie version
1. What is a food that you never thought you would try, but then tried and liked?
I could say a bunch of things, if we go back a number of years. Growing up, I was a very picky eater. It wasn't until my (now) husband started to cook for me regularly that I broke out of my chicken-and-pasta rut. Buffalo chicken, Asian food (sushi, Thai, even Chinese since my mom's version of Chinese food was that canned stuff that looked like mucus surrounding bean sprouts), escargot. Also BBQ. I found a version that I love (hello spicy Texas BBQ sauce!) and I'm now addicted to a good non-molasses-based BBQ sauce.
2. Do you subscribe to any foodie publications? If so, which ones?
Nope. I like food, but I'm not so into reading about food.
3. What ingredient do you find yourself reaching for the most when you cook?
Garlic powder or Garlic salt.
4. Are there any foods that you hated as a child, but then learned to like as an adult?
Vegetables in general. BBQ. All sorts of Asian food.
5. What do you like to eat that others may consider weird?
Black liccorice? So many people hate that taste. I LOVE it. Also really spicy food.
6. What is the weirdest ingredient you’ve ever cooked with?
I have no idea. I leave the creative and different stuff to my husband.
7. Do you have any major food allergies?
I have a major sensitivity to MSG and related products. And my daughter can't eat peanuts or peanut butter.
8. Is there an ingredient that you would like to cook with, but are intimidated to try?
I can't think of anything. Like I said, I usually leave the creative or unusual to my husband who is willing to try anything twice.
9. Do you bake?
Yes! I LOVE to bake. I wasn't a very good cook until I got married (my husband taught me to cook and to enjoy it.) - I was intimidated by meat, if you want to know the truth. But I have always loved to bake. Ever since my Easy Bake Oven days. One year for Christmas I made 15 different types of cookies from scratch (pre-kids, of course.)
10. If you could go on any “foodie” show to compete, which one would it be, and why?
No clue. I can't even think of any that I know the title for.
For more 10 on Tuesday, please visit Chelsea.
I could say a bunch of things, if we go back a number of years. Growing up, I was a very picky eater. It wasn't until my (now) husband started to cook for me regularly that I broke out of my chicken-and-pasta rut. Buffalo chicken, Asian food (sushi, Thai, even Chinese since my mom's version of Chinese food was that canned stuff that looked like mucus surrounding bean sprouts), escargot. Also BBQ. I found a version that I love (hello spicy Texas BBQ sauce!) and I'm now addicted to a good non-molasses-based BBQ sauce.
2. Do you subscribe to any foodie publications? If so, which ones?
Nope. I like food, but I'm not so into reading about food.
3. What ingredient do you find yourself reaching for the most when you cook?
Garlic powder or Garlic salt.
4. Are there any foods that you hated as a child, but then learned to like as an adult?
Vegetables in general. BBQ. All sorts of Asian food.
5. What do you like to eat that others may consider weird?
Black liccorice? So many people hate that taste. I LOVE it. Also really spicy food.
6. What is the weirdest ingredient you’ve ever cooked with?
I have no idea. I leave the creative and different stuff to my husband.
7. Do you have any major food allergies?
I have a major sensitivity to MSG and related products. And my daughter can't eat peanuts or peanut butter.
8. Is there an ingredient that you would like to cook with, but are intimidated to try?
I can't think of anything. Like I said, I usually leave the creative or unusual to my husband who is willing to try anything twice.
9. Do you bake?
Yes! I LOVE to bake. I wasn't a very good cook until I got married (my husband taught me to cook and to enjoy it.) - I was intimidated by meat, if you want to know the truth. But I have always loved to bake. Ever since my Easy Bake Oven days. One year for Christmas I made 15 different types of cookies from scratch (pre-kids, of course.)
10. If you could go on any “foodie” show to compete, which one would it be, and why?
No clue. I can't even think of any that I know the title for.
For more 10 on Tuesday, please visit Chelsea.
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