Introvert

I can't decide if I'm becoming more introverted or if I'm falling back into the pattern of depression and this is just level one. I can't seem to get motivated anymore. I can't seem to be bothered to get out and do something.

We were invited to a New Year's Eve party at one of my closest friend's houses. We often spend Saturday nights at her house - letting the kids play until 9pm, then putting them both down with her kids and watching a movie or playing a game while drinking wine (often too much wine, but what's a little wine among friends, right? I LOVE hanging out with her. But she mentioned that she was inviting another friend - someone I've only met once but who was perfectly nice and I have no reason to dislike or think negatively about her in any way - and my entire attitude changed. Is it because I feel like my kids might be ignored when her kids are also there? (My friend's family's youngest is one of Fuss's very best friends, but her other friend has a daughter the same age and the last time they were all together, Fuss said to me on the way home, "I feel like she likes the other girl more than me!" and I felt so awful for her.)

And really, the New Year's thing is only one thing in a list of things that I have noticed that have changed in my outlook for life.

But I don't fit the definition of depression. I don't really want to DO anything anymore. I don't want to see most of my friends. I want to hang out with my husband or my friend M or by myself and that's pretty much it. I still get happy. I see my children learning or being so sweet and cute and my heart fills with joy.

But sometimes... it's not so much that I don't have hope for the future, but that I wonder if... there is a change in the future? Is this the goals I've been working for? Does it GET better/different than this? Or have I reached the peak of life? I mean, my life isn't a bad one, I have an amazing family who love me and I love them - but is this IT?

Santa brought me the power to organize!

I'm truly too embarrassed to take BEFORE pictures, (and honestly, since this has been an on-going project this month, it is SO much better than it was at it's disastrous peak) and it's really too late now to start. But I am awfully proud of myself for working so diligently to get the kids' rooms organized and under control - something they haven't been in a long, long time. I'm weeding out and clearing out unneeded and outgrown toys and clothes. I'm sorting them so that we have "a place for everything and everything in it's place." I'm becoming ruthless about that as a mantra. If there isn't room, then something has to go. I've cleared off 2 big shelves in Little Man's closet and it WILL be used to house his toys.The new toys (for the most part) all have homes in bins, etc. I raided the Target storage sale this morning and bought a bunch of bins of varying sizes (not as cheap as the $ store, but I needed something more than what Dollar Tree had to offer) to begin housing dress-up and doll clothes and I added a stackable rolling cart to Little Man's collection and re-purposed the bin I've been using for his toys to another location. I have GOT to get his out-grown clothes out of his room and into the garage. (which makes me nervous for all the FL humidity we deal with.)

My head is pounding today. It started early yesterday - about the time I was getting in the shower. Had so much to do and of course the excitement of everyone coming over and the hustle and bustle of the holidays (my step-family? I love them to bits, but they cannot make and keep plans to save their lives! I had 3 extra guests for dinner!) but I made it through the day without issue. By the time everyone left and I sat down to relax, it came back with a vengance and by the time we crawled into bed (after clearing the bed of all the various and sundry boxes and items that we had shoved into our room so we could be out of the way) I simply wanted to hide under the covers instead of truly enjoying our TV show. (Leverage, in case you were curious. And it apparently was suddenly cancelled, so we got the announcement a few days ago that this would be the series finale instead of just the season finale, so I really wanted to see it.)

Woke this morning to more pounding, though not nearly as bad as last night. Thought maybe a shower would perk me up. I'm basically just powering through it at this point. Too much to do and I'd LOVE to start 2013 with a clean and organized home!

Stuff on my mind

My brain is going in so many different directions right now that even my planner is sitting on my desk, shoved off to the side -  I can't seem to get even my thoughts organized enough to write them down. Bullets. That's all I can do for now.

• I did not get that job I applied for. I got a very polite email thanking me for my application, but informing me that they are going another direction. This actually works out fine, since the day before I got that email, my MIL who has been unemployed for a year and was my top (and really only - I had no other back up plan) choice for child care finally found a job and will be starting after the new year. 
• I keep thinking I'm done with Christmas prep and then thinking of something else I need to do/buy, etc. 
• I have lists coming out of my ears. 
• I am SO motivated to organize, but to be honest, I don't have the time (right now, I will after Christmas) to do as much as I'd like, so I'm frustrated by wanting to organize while I clean and not being able to. 
• My son threw a tantrum this morning as we were leaving the $ store because i wouldn't give him the cars I bought (for his stocking - I hadn't planned to, but he was so cute in asking and then when I set them in the cart and told him he'd have to wait, he was fine with that. Guess he thought he only had to wait until i was done paying). As soon as I mentioned that only good little boys went to the store and got a cookie (our grocery gives free cookies to the kids while shopping) the tantrum ceased and he cooed "cookie pace?" Adorable. Now I just need to have cookies to hold over his head all the time. 
• Went to the $ store this morning and bought more containers with lids for organizing the kids toys. I've read countless blogs that mention $ store containers and I had never found them myself. I stumbled across them the other day (buried in the furthest recesses of my local Dollar Tree) and have used several already to straighten my desk and Fuss's things. (of which there are MANY more to straighten)
• My mom is stubborn. And I really hate when she asks for help/advice and because she has NO idea how to do it herself and then completely disregards said advice. Seriously?
• Army Wives Season 6 FINALLY made it on to Netflix streaming and I am back to my addiction. So sad that Pamela moved to California. 
• Also back into Private Practice. I had loved it when it first started, but then I basically dropped all shows that my husband isn't interested in watching, so I haven't seen much since mid-season 2? 
• Preschool Christmas programs are cute, but the cuteness only goes so far. 
• But school ones are MUCH better than half-hearted AWANA ones. I kind of wanted to shoot myself on Wednesday night. I was almost hopeful that Fuss would misbehave enough to get herself forbidden from going. And then I realized I was being dramatic and since 2 of my best friends would be there (Kat and M) to watch THEIR little darlings, how bad could it be? Bad. Really bad. 
• Fuss's teachers LOVED the presents we gave them for Christmas. They are loving getting the Thirty-One products I am giving them! :) I gave them each a Thermal Tote with their respective names on them ("Mrs. ________"), a gift card to Target (had trouble deciding if it should be a restaurant or Target, but went with Target - they can either buy fun stuff for themselves or practical stuff for the class or their families) and a giant chocolate bar (Symphony Toffee bits - seriously, one of the best chocolate bars ever). I also threw in a matching Owl-print nail file to her main teacher - she has a thing for owls (and I got her an owl print thermal tote) and I had extras. 

My posts lately seem to just abruptly come to an end. I really need to work on that. 

Organize me!

I'm on an organizing kick (again) lately. Fuss got a new bed for Christmas from my dad (so Little Man can eventually have her old mattress and box spring on the floor w/ rails) and she is loving it, but there is even more chaos than usual in her room since it arrived (was a Craigslist purchase so it came upon delivery) and I am DETERMINED to get this kid organized. I won't let it get awful again! I WILL have this child organized if it kills me. (And it might.)

Several friends have told me how much they love organizing kids stuff. I'm baffled at that notion. For me, it's like pulling teeth (my own AND hers) to her Fuss to help clean up/pick up her room. Really? How can you be happy in all that insanity? Yes, my house in general is chaotic, but it DRIVES me NUTS. I want it all done and fixed and pretty, gosh darn it!

I bought boxes at the $Tree today for some of her items, but I've still got to figure out WHERE in her room they will be put once the stuff is in them. Yeah, I have that issue, too. I have friends who are good at this, but I'm too embarrassed (why do I always leave the second "r" out of that word?) to have them over, even though they've offered to help. It's just crazy around here.

We're a week away from Christmas. This means an in-flux of toys and clothes and new stuff that I have to find a place for. For both of them. And I have no space.

Averting my eyes

I go back and forth between being devastated about the shootings in CT on Friday, wanting to know more and needing to step back and walk away from it. My daughter is nearly 5. Next year she'll be in Kindergarten. Years ago, I had a "thing" against public schools - saying that I'd never put my child in a public school and assuming that God would somehow allow me the option of that in my future. Since we've had children and begun looking into private education, I've realized that private school is AMAZINGLY expensive and putting even ONE child (let alone 2 or even a possible third) through school is going to be a problem. I'm not saying that something like this couldn't happen at a private school. I think about the (lack of) security at my daughter's school (the school I grew up at and am incredibly familiar with) and I cringe.

Every time I see the list of the victims of this tragedy, I see the first name of my daughter on the list. There was a little girl with her name who was 6 years old. I can't even begin to fathom the hole in her mother's heart.
When I read about the school principal who died lunging for the gunman, I think of my childhood best friend's mother who is a principal at one of our local elementary schools, and I tear up, thinking about the sacrifice made for the children she loved.
I think about my dozens of friends and family who work at schools all across the nation when I think about how those teachers tried to save their students from harm and in the process lost their lives.

I'm heartbroken at the thought. And I keep having to step away. To turn off the news, walk away from Facebook, the computer and avert my eyes. I know that those who are directly effected by this tragedy don't have that luxury. And I am so sorry.

I think about how we could make our schools safer. Because even if something like this never comes to MY child's school, I want every school in the world to be a safe place for children. But turning their schools into fortresses with bullet proof glass and armed guards doesn't seem either practical or logical.

And then I know I have to stop. I have to step back again. I have to push it away. It's too depressing and I'm already dealing with a bunch of crap in my own life right now. I can't take on anyone else's pain. And as much as I'd like to relieve the grief of even one of those mother's CT for even a moment, I know that it doesn't work that way.

Turning Corners

It used to be that my first item to do when I sat down at my computer was to open up my blogs - and by "my" I mean, those of my "friends" in the computer - those I have faithfully read for years and often gone back to the very first post that they posted (which in some cases goes back a LONG way and took me weeks of reading to get through). And then, inspired by their words, I would pull up my own blog and attempt to record my thoughts and feelings and goings on. Blogging was my THING.

Even when I began to slack off on my own writing (remember when I used to blog 4-5 days per week? yeah, me too), I still read many of my favorites every day. I let a few of them go as they either slacked off themselves, got way to preachy, ticked me off or just started talking about things that no longer interested me, but there are a few I continue to keep up with. But lately, I find myself going back to those favorites only once or twice a week and reading a few posts at a time instead. FB and my email are my usual haunts nowadays. Part of me knows I'm going to regret having no written chronicle of my life at this point, and part of me can't be bothered to try.

This morning I filled out an application for a full-time, out-of-the-home job. I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared. I have no idea if they will even consider me. I have no idea if they do in fact consider me and call me in for an interview if I could impress them enough to actually get hired. I have a very tentative plan for child care involving my MIL who has been out of work for nearly 18 months.

Honestly, I'm mostly scared that Little Man will stop liking me so much. I mean, I am the one who meets his needs now. I give him snacks and cuddles and toy cars and get his juice when he has drained his cup. But when I'm not the one he sees every day - the one he runs to for every boo boo - will he still like me?

Ridiculous, right? Every little boy likes/loves his mother. And I'm hardly the first mom who has returned to work when her child is 2.

But I finally get it. The mommy guilt. (and I haven't even actually secured the job yet!) I used to listen to my overly-dramatic friend K go on about how she felt so horrible about leaving her precious (obnoxious) children in the hands of others and I'd inwardly roll my eyes. Seriously? It's a few hours! For a job you like! And you so desperately need the money that your husband might consider leaving you if you drag your feet any further! But I'm starting to see.

But you know what? I think this might be the best thing for my family. We need the money. Of course, that is part of it. But on the other hand, I think that some time away from my progeny might be best for both me and them as well. For mental health and the future of our relationship.

Of course, I only really just realized that this means giving up on my Bible Study and probably MOPS, too. Hmmm. This could be a big corner in my life that I need to turn.