Fuss-itude

I had a baby sitter for The Fuss this morning while I went to work. After a minor breakdown last week, Daddy Fuss was kind enough to ask his youngest sister, LP, to help me out on her day off each week. Since she loves her niece like crazy and we offered to pay her a tiny bit, she agreed. I missed her something fierce, but I got to sit back and get a bunch of work done at the store and a ton of reading done in my free time. I came home to find the baby sleeping and once LP left I was checking my email before I went to pump all the milk I'd stored up by not pumping while at work. No luck. She woke up and while we were both thrilled to see each other, her nap wasn't nearly long enough. She ate like a champ (though she's been doing this distracted nursing for days now - she'll eat for a few minutes if she's really hungry and then suck twice, pop off, look around or look away, suck again, repeat. She acts like she's done, but then when I go to sit her up, she screams and stretches to go back to the breast. Drives me crazy.

So she then drove me to drink with her extreme fussiness. It's a Coke, but it's my second of the day. It's funny how I can miss her so much when we're apart, but then she drives me a little crazy a couple of hours later.

I still have a lot of thoughts going on in my head regarding nursing and when to wean. We're doing less bottle feeding than we were for awhile, but she's getting 1-2 bottles of formula per day to supplement my supply and make my life more convenient. I absolutely love that I can simply take some powder and maybe some water and a bottle with me when we go out and life is good. Sometimes i get embarrassed that I gave up or whatever, but really, this works best for us. And I think it's going to make it easier for both of us to move along when the time does come. I find it funny who I show what side too - proving that I'm a people pleaser, once again.

The last two weeks can be summed up in a word - tired. I keep having the fear that I'm pregnant and I don't know it. I don't really think I am, but the only time in my life I've been this tired is the first trimester of my pregnancy. I suppose it's simply a matter of having gone so long without good sleep, I certainly can't expect to feel completely better after a night or 2 of decent sleep. We've been doing better lately about getting her to sleep through the night, etc.

We had pictures taken for 6 months, aren't they cute? I couldn't resist this sailor dress.

The Breast of Times

Julie wrote on her blog this week about feeding her new baby: "However we nourish our children, we all want to give them the best in ourselves." And, oh, how I'm finding that to be true.

I don't have a problem pumping, though I don't get nearly the supply from the pump that I do when the baby is at my breast. But I'm finding myself counting the days, making plans, and very much looking forward to the time when The Fuss can be weaned. My original plan was for a year, but come her first birthday - wham! it was over. (obviously, there would be some time involved in the weaning process - I'm not stupid). My current thought? Nine or 10 months. Hopefully, 9, but I can probably deal if we're mostly done by 9 with a couple of feedings a day in the 10th month. Why is it that, nearly 6 months into it, I still don't like breastfeeding?

The thing is, you know what has kept me going this long? The indoctrination I read while pregnant from the Milk-Nazis about the detriments of formula. And my friends - those I trusted to be my examples - were so gung ho on breast feeding in the beginning. Having already fed several of their own and having babies around the same time as me (my sister had her youngest 4 months before The Fuss, my friend M had her youngest about 6 weeks before The Fuss), i was so sure they were anti-formula, too.

When my niece visited in June, she was 8 months old and had been on formula for 2 months or so. My sister had no issues with this whatsoever - felt no guilt, made no excuses, etc. She encouraged me to do whatever I felt was right. She taught me not to make excuses for feeding my child in public, etc.

My friend M just went back to work for the first time since her 3 year old was born. An office job (one Daddy Fuss and I helped her procure), she obviously can't bring her baby and she's never had much luck with the pump. In preparation for her return to work, she began to wean her daughter and had an easier time doing that than she did breast feeding.

But The Fuss hasn't had a drop of formula since she was a week old. Eventually, she'll need to go on formula if I'm going to wean her before a year, right? So should I start introducing it ahead of time? These night feedings in the last month have depleted my ability to replenish my frozen supply of milk and so any long period of time away from her (read: more than a feeding or two) will wipe out what is in my freezer and I'll have no emergency supply in case of unforseen circumstances. Wouldn't it be better to introduce her to some formula in case I'm hit by a car or something? Or is that ridiculous reasoning?

I just wish I liked breastfeeding her more. And lately, she's only wanted to eat for a few minutes at a time during the day, but often wants to eat more frequently (like every hour after she only ate for 3-5 minutes during the feeding she begged for) and I feel rejected and annoyed. I wasn't crazy about feeding her every 2 hours, what makes her think I want to feed her every hour? And when I have to convince her to eat? Ugh.

I'm just so tired of fighting her. Am I wussing out if I start to put her on formula? Will my husband kill me for adding to our expenses? I've got a ton of formula samples stockpiled, but how long will they last and can I mix brands, since they come from many different places?

4 months

Hard to believe my baby is 4 months old. She is such a happy little thing, always smiley and we've fallen into a great pattern of life together. We have daily "AM Smiles" when she first wakes up in the morning and smiles non-stop as we're getting her up and changed. And she laughs with excitement as I get ready to feed her for the first time each day. I love it.

She had her 4-month appointment on Wednesday and got her shots/vaccines. It wasn't a happy time, but it wasn't nearly the horrible experience it had been at 2 months. Daddy Fuss joined us for the appointment, and he distracted her during the pokings. I have to say I think that made it worse for me - nothing to distract me or to focus on except the fact that I couldn't stop my baby from being in pain.

It's been a crazy week. I'm helping my dad at his business while people are taking vacations and so I've really messed with her schedule lately - waking her before she does naturally, feeding her at odd times, etc. Daddy Fuss has also picked up a temporary job with his former employer working a few weekend and evening hours. It's fun stuff for him, but it simply means more time apart. There have been days where he hasn't seen the baby for more than 10 minutes in a 24-hour period. We're starting her on solids this weekend - rice cereal at first and soon fruits and veggies. I picked up a couple of jars of baby food - green beans and bananas. I've read conflicting theories about whether to choose a vegetable or fruit for the first food, so I think I'll try the green beans first and if she completely rejects them, I'll do the bananas and move on to the green beans again later. We shall see what happens.