Monday, September 17, 2007

Strollers, Stress, and Struggles

It’s horrible to think this, but every once in awhile when my back starts to ache or get really tense, or I’m leaning over the toilet or my head is pounding every time I inhale – I’d better have a great baby.
I always thought being pregnant would be fun. I didn’t think gaining weight would matter to me, though I knew I likely wouldn’t feel sexy, etc. I didn’t think my self image would really make me unhappy, etc. I expected some morning sickness – but I used to get terrible bouts of motion sickness as a child and so early on learned to deal with throwing up and moving on, knowing that I would feel better when it was over. I never expected to not feel uncomfortable or even a little added pain and pressure. But I’m not even half way through this pregnancy, and I’m already aware that I’m really not liking being pregnant.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful that I am able to have a baby at all. I know that there is nothing (so far) that I wouldn’t do again if I was promised a healthy baby in the end. But pregnancy fun? Uh uh.

I’ve also started to think about the end of this pregnancy more and more. I’m not dwelling on the “how” yet – though I’ve given some more thought to waiting a little longer to request my epidural, etc. even to see if I can get through the majority of contractions before getting it at all (I’m doubting it, but I might be willing to try – we’ll have to see). But I have to tell you that carrying this baby for 40 or more weeks on the off chance she/he arrives late scares the crap out of me. My sisters 3rd baby was late and in Sweden they don’t induce hardly at all no matter what. I always expected my pregnancies to go like my BFF K – both of her boys came early, but the more I think about it – the more I realize that that is an unrealistic expectation – I have no indication that my pregnancy will end early or any reason to believe it will.

My chest has grown again. One of my favorite bras has been mostly outgrown – it leaves it’s outline on my body when it is removed. Unfortunately, it’s my only black one, so I have to keep wearing it until I have both time and money to go replace it.

I’m struggling with whether or not I want to purchase a pregnancy pillow or not. I really want to, but they seem so expensive to me and I’m afraid that I’ll get it and end up not liking it enough, or something.

I picked out my stroller this weekend and I’m very excited. We haven’t yet purchased it, but I know which one I want and we are going to start budgeting for it. It’s a Graco, middle of the line travel system and I cannot wait to bring it home. I am so proud of myself for hanging in there and doing the research and trying it out, etc. and finally making a decision. Mr. Moose saw it online and agreed with my choice.

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