Insecure.

I've previously mentioned my friend Beth's book, Let Me Fall: The Love Story Between God and His Dimwitted Daughter. As she talked about a few things in the book, I had several realizations about myself.

I've realized how insecure I am. Oh, I know we all have our insecurities, our weaknesses. We're human. We have elements in our life where we fall short and, to be honest, we're right to be insecure about those things. For example, I'm insecure about my athletic ability. And since I basically have none to speak of, there is certainly a valid point to that insecurity!

But one of the things I am somewhat secretly insecure about is my friendships. I'm sure it's rooted in some childhood issues I had with non-loyal friends through the years, but the more I think about it, the more odd it seems to me that an overall friendly person who never had much trouble making friends is so insecure about the ones she already has.

For example, in one group of friends I have, I always feel like an outsider. We talk a lot as a group, but I feel like, despite my best efforts, I never made it to the inner circle, I never mutually connected with one or more of the ladies that seem to have no problems connecting with other people. (I know, I'm being vague. Let me get into more detail in another example...)

My friend M. We had a rocky beginning to our friendship. As a matter of fact we've known each other for a really long time and there was a time where she truly didn't like me, despite the fact that I was close with one of her best girlfriends and her brother and pretty chummy with her boyfriend (but in a big brother/little sister sort of way, so I don't think she was worried I was trying to steal him or anything.) But now? Years later, we're quite close. In an alcohol-sodden, tear-filled confession recently, she told me I was one of only 4 close friends that she really felt she could talk to. And we do talk about a LOT. But maybe I'm just more needy than she'd like? Or maybe she's just too busy? Because every time I text her and I don't get an answer back within 24-hours, I'm always plagued with the nail-biting "why doesn't she want to talk to me?" thoughts. Whenever she makes other plans during our usual "Wednesday nights while waiting for the kids to be done with church chat time", I'm always like "is she sick of me?" We've spent most Saturday nights together since the end of October. We've dubbed it "our tradition." But when she has other plans more than one week in a row, I wonder if I did something to offend her. This girl is probably my best girlfriend right now, but I am constantly second-guessing myself as to where I stand with her.

Sometimes I long for the age where you could exchange Best Friend necklaces and just put a label on your friendships, declaring to the world that you're taken.

There's another couple of ladies that I love to spend time with. Together, we have 6 kids - we were pregnant with our firsts together and our seconds were all very close in age as well. (and we are a blond, brunette, and a redhead. Our firstborns are also a blonde, brunette, and a redhead, but the kids' hair colors don't match the proper parent. It looks amusing sometimes when we're all together in public.) I get along wonderfully with both of these ladies individually, but I really click with K. We have so much in common, despite very different family backgrounds. And I spend time with both of them separately, as well as when the three of us get together. But I have to say, I get incredibly jealous and insecure when I find out that they made a play date or adult-only double date without me! And the fact that Jo's husband gets along with both other husbands, but my husband and K's husband haven't had a lot of time to get to know each other is frustrating, since I'd LOVE to be able to do more double dates with them.

In my head, I know that my friends probably actually do like me. That they do like to spend time with me, that they aren't embarrassed by me or to be seen with me in public. But sometimes, I feel like I'm on the outside, desperately trying to make my way into their lives, to be as important to them as they are to me. And maybe that isn't possible. Or maybe it is, but it takes more time.

I'm working on this. I'm working on not worrying about every little ignored text message and every little rescheduled get together. But sometimes I wonder if I will ever be free of my self-doubts.

Let Me Fall

Would you believe that I dealt with those darn stones off and on for nearly FIVE weeks? I have been spending more time in bed/in the bathroom than on the computer lately. It freaks Fuss out when I am moaning in pain, so I try to hide it from her as much as I can. I really do have sweet kids. When I'm not feeling well, they try to "take care" of me. Usually this involves lots of hugs, picking the weed-flowers from the yard for me, (or in Little Man's case - presenting me over and over with a silk bunch of poinsettias that never made it into the Christmas box.) and patting me on the back. Most of it is appreciated.

I read an amazing book recently. It was written by a childhood friend and we had lost touch, but the magic of Facebook and voila! And she recently wrote a book. It's not necessarily the type of book I typically enjoy - mostly non-fiction, a chronicle of her personal journey in learning to KNOW God, not just know about Him. Don't get me wrong, I've read a few "renew your faith! Fall in love with Jesus!" type of books before, but none have really reeled me in like this one.

I could relate to so much of what she talked about. She talked about the rebellion that she went through as a teen. The outside world would probably look at her (and me) and be like "oh no, YOU were one of the good kids. YOU were practically a goody-goody. There was no rebellion in your life!" but I think each person goes through their own types of rebellion at some point. You almost have to to really figure out who you are and what you believe, etc.

Anyway, you can check out Beth's book here. And stay tuned for some of the things it made me think about that weren't in direct-relation to her own thoughts and circumstances.

If it's not one thing...

I told my husband last night that I feel ridiculous. I feel like every.single.day. I have another issue and if I wasn't in so much pain, it would be comical. It's really like it's out of a sitcom or something.

After 10+ days of dealing with kidney issues (UTI, stones and the outlying issues with those things) I have also dealt with severe (can't stand up for more than 15 minutes without paying for it with hours on my back) back pain and then a night or two of my stomach/digestive issues, plus I'm still peeing every 15 minutes... it's just sort of crazy. I am so done with all this, but I have no idea how to BE done with it all. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop - namely, my headaches. I *should* have another week before the hormones kick in, but I'm (mostly) off sodas and I'm limiting caffeine, so who knows? I am just so sick of being (for lack of a better term) sick! I guess more accurately, I'm sick of pain! (be it my kidneys, my bladder, my stomach, my head, my back... seriously, isn't that more than enough pain for a woman of 32 years?)

We went nearly 2 weeks without marital relations because on top of the UTI, I then got my period. We had a couple of nice days together and then the other stone passed. And then my back, and then my stomach... I hope my husband knows I still like him. I do! I want this all done with as much as he does!