Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Where I randomly change subjects repeatedly

I have the desire to be organized. I even have the capacity to be in certain things (I’m a natural planner, I like lists, I love files and organizational office supplies and planners in some sort of weird way…), but so often things get away from me and I lose my system along the way, etc. I go through phases of being a “Keeper” and a “Purger” (though lately, I think my nesting instinct is forcing my Purger side to come out with an extreme force.)

The organizational posts on Ask Moxie recently have made me think about this in more depth. My mother is a “Keeper” and taught me to be sentimental about so many things. I loved looking through her high school diaries and notes collection and therefore kept mine for ages – but recently threw a bunch of that stuff out for lack of a good place to keep it. So sad that I carted that around and kept them for years only to throw them out before I got to my original purpose for keeping it!

I’ve been feeling some anxiety about the “when” (and the “how”) I am going to give birth. I am hanging on to a thin shred of hope that she will be arriving early, that I am already slowly beginning to dilate and efface (which I hope to hear more about when I go to the doctor on Monday) and that everything is perfect, but I should expect to deliver around 38 weeks or so instead of waiting until 40.

I’m antsy. I want to know my body is doing something and all my premonitions about her coming early are correct.

Part of the problem is that my best friend, K, went into labor 9 days before her due date with her first child and even had her water break to signify that she was, in fact, really, truly in labor. She had a relatively easy labor and had no ill effects whatsoever. I have always assumed/hoped (I’m not sure which) that I would have a labor like hers, but there is no bearing for that whatsoever. (Her second child she began to dilate/efface but had a natural pause for over a week, so they induced her 9 days before her due date and again, she had a very easy labor). I desperately want that type of labor – I want to know for sure when it is time to go to the hospital, I want my epidural in a timely fashion, and I want to be able to think back and easily count how many pushes I had to do to get the baby out when it’s time. (20 for her second one – not many more for her first).

Recently, my sisters in law had an issue which I was happy to be out of, and sad to hear about. My oldest SIL, LB, who is married, lives out of state and is pregnant had asked her mother for the cradle that they had all slept in in their early days and had been granted permission to take it with her. Somehow this subject came up just preceding Thanksgiving dinner and the SIL who is closest to my age, J, sort of has the unspoken reputation for being selfish. She was incensed over the fact that the cradle had been removed and was not immediately available for her own use (she is not married or pregnant and has no prospects of being so in the near future. She isn’t dating and hasn’t for quite awhile). When my BIL commented that this was neither the time nor the place for this discussion, she got incredibly upset, had a crying fit and wouldn’t speak to him throughout the entire dinner. Also during this trip both younger sisters wanted the opportunity to feel the baby move and kick and LB was willing, though her baby was uncooperative when they were around (HOW is that her fault?). I offered to let them feel mine to lessen the pouting, which seemed to work the night of Thanksgiving. However, while LB was in town, J made the comment to her that “I don’t like your baby because it doesn’t move.” LB, very emotional and hormonal in her pregnant state, was of course hurt by this comment.

Well over a month later, LB was not speaking to her sister because she was still upset about the whole thing. The cradle situation ended up with her mother somewhat reneging the offer of the cradle with the “demand” that when this baby is done with it, it be returned. (LB insists that the initial offer was a permanent one, though, had she been asked she likely would have been more than happy to share it in the future). (BTW, My MIL is notorious for caving to any pressure that any of her offspring put on her when it comes to matters like this.)

Finally, LB decided to put it behind her and began asking all the women in the family when it would be convenient for them to come up for a baby shower prior to her baby’s birth. The answer she got from both of her sisters? “Oh, just set the date and if we can make, we will. But we’re just SO busy that I’m not sure we’ll make it at all.”

Mr. Moose received the venting, crying phone call from his sister. We discussed traveling up there ourselves, but with the dates so close to my own delivery date, it just didn’t work. I offered my regrets at not being able to make it, which were of course taken logically and graciously. We sent a gift up via mail and she and I have been emailing regularly.

Mr. Moose attempted to subtly get involved by encouraging his sisters to do their best to go and participate. I think they have decided to all go, though they are going for the weekend that is about 8-10 days before my due date, so that could get interesting. (Maybe for the best? Only the Lord knows!)

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