The end.

Things got bad again/worse Monday morning and since I was planning to call the midwife anyway, I did. I spent half the morning crying anyway and really regretted my seemingly logical decision the night before not to call in sick. I ended up calling in my coworker anyhow to come in by 11 so that I could rush to a worked-in ultrasound appointment. Thankfully, my husband was able to arrange to come, too, to both wrestle the Fuss and, of course, to be there with me.

Predictably, the ultrasound technician didn't find any evidence of a baby left, asked me a few questions about how much I bled, and then gently explained what she wasn't seeing. With a quiet, "I'm sorry," she told me I could get dressed and left us alone.

My last shred of hope now gone, I broke down for the 15th time that day. Daddy Fuss held me and let me cry against his shirt and the Fuss ran around the room, untethered calling, "Mama? Mama? Mama?"

Thirty percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, according to my midwife. Most of those have problems that would have never have allowed them to develop into a healthy baby. I never saw a heartbeat and it's possible it never developed.

I go back next week for a follow up and bloodwork to verify the HCG has disappeared and my body is aware that I am officially no longer pregnant. I am advised to wait another month before resuming TTC.

My question is this:
If life begins at conception, which I have always been taught from our religious-based discussions, is my baby in heaven? Or without the heartbeat and development of a body, etc. was it just a bunch of tissue that would be the equivalent of the cyst I had removed a few years back? Is my baby waiting for me in heaven? Will I recognize him or her when I get there? Not being very far along, I don't know if it would have been a son or daughter, I don't have a name other than the silly Numfar we gave it as a placeholder. I feel like he or she needs a name, but I don't know what name to give.

I would like to thank my online friends who have been so wonderful today and this past weekend. My "Luckies" girls have been very encouraging and supportive over the last few days and I am very blessed to have them in my life.

Highs and lows

Things have gotten worse as the day has progressed. I had more lower back pain, more cramps, heavier bleeding, including some clots. There is the likelihood that I have lost the baby, and yet I cannot seem to lose all hope. I cannot completely convince myself that all hope is lost. When my pain and discomfort ended early this afternoon, I decided to go shopping with my mom as originally planned.

I have sadness and grief. Mom and Fuss and I ducked into Hallmark at the mall to look at their Christmas ornaments. I got teary and sad when I found the Mother-to-be ornament (that I looked for extensively when I was pregnant with Fuss 2 years ago and couldn't fine) that even had red hair. I had to hurry past Motherhood, one of the stops I had planned to make when we first talked about this particular shopping trip.

I haven't heard the song The Climb in a few months, but I heard it twice today. Sort of ironic. Especially the line about "sometimes I'm gonna have to lose..." because I guess I had been wondering if it was unfair that I'd had things so easy...

But then there is Fuss. She is this light in a dark place. She is full of cuddles and snuggles and little girl laughter. She had so much fun this weekend Trick or Treating and going to a Fall Festival with her Aunt J at our alma mater. She had her first sno cone and won me a cake at a cake walk (really good one, too - Pumpkin chocolate chip) and got 3 bouncy balls as her prizes ("Bawl!") since her current obsession is balls of all shapes and sizes.

She was good today - she snuggled and played with me all morning as I sat on the couch, taking it easy and grieving. She came with us to the mall and munched on a pretzel from Auntie Annie's. We went to Grandma and Papa's house tonight to eat dinner (brats and cheese curds) while watching Papa's beloved Packers (he's from WI) and she fell asleep in Grandma's arms, tuckered out from a very busy weekend and not yet used to the time change. She also seemed to be running a mild fever, so we'll be watching to make sure she starts to perk up tomorrow. (I think she's probably teething and getting another tooth in)

I'll be calling the midwife in the morning to find out what to do. I had an appointment scheduled for Thursday, but I don't know if she can or will see me earlier in light of my bleeding.

I am better. I am accepting. I just don't yet know what to accept. Daddy Fuss made the comment today that that seemed to be the theme of this pregnancy: The Unknown. Is it a line or isn't it? Is it a properly placed pregnancy or isn't it? Is it a viable pregnancy or isn't it? I just want the answer. I just want to know.

Losing...

I think I'm losing the baby.
We BD'd yesterday afternoon, and I began to spot again. Didn't think much of it since the midwife said that was normal. Put on a liner and went out. Came home and had to change the liner - more blood than the past and still coming. Took Fuss trick or treating and when we stopped by my mom's later, I needed another one. Looks more like day 2 or 3 of AF. Daddy Fuss and my mom reminded me that I'd been walking around a lot, hadn't rested, etc. So we hoped that rest and a good nights' sleep would stop the bleeding and we'd just lay off the BD for a bit.
It's now morning and it doesn't show any signs of being done. I've had a few cramps, but nothing major. I would have assumed that I would have felt more than this - it feels like a sort of light-to-medium period - shouldn't it be more like a bad one?
I'm sad. And anxious. I don't want to think it's over, but I'm losing faith.