Thinking about death make me lose sleep

And makes me grumpy. Apparently.

We watched Lost last night. As the storyline winds down (I think there are 3-4 episodes left), I think it's might be getting more depressing.

Last night as Jin and Sun fought to free her from an exploded, sinking submarine and it seemed as all hope was lost, she tells him to go. And he tells her that he'll never leave her again, they kiss and embrace and the sub fills with water and they are gone.
And as a mother - and a hormonal, pregnant one at that - I am appalled by this! Now, trust me, I'm sure that if my husband were dying, I would want to die, too, but my child (or children) would cause me to go on. And they NEVER MENTIONED ZTHEIR DAUGHTER once in their last moments - never seemed to think of her - alone and orphaned back home. (She is safely in the care of her grandmother, but that is very much not the same as living with even one of her parents.)
So my thoughts as I drifted off to sleep were directed to what I would want for my child(ren) if I were to be taken from her/them.
As my bladder and my brain competed for "most annoying thing to keep me awake all night," I began mentally writing my will - the decision on custody has already been made, so it was simply a matter of getting the words out. And then I began (mentally) writing a diary entry/letter of all the things I would want to tell her (him, too, but I think the mother-daughter bond I have with her make me desire to impart my womanly experience/wisdom to her especially.)
It made for a depressing night. And I woke up very grumpy (and clumsy - I knocked over our alarm clock when my husband's alarm went off) with a list of things to do, apparently.

The end.

Things got bad again/worse Monday morning and since I was planning to call the midwife anyway, I did. I spent half the morning crying anyway and really regretted my seemingly logical decision the night before not to call in sick. I ended up calling in my coworker anyhow to come in by 11 so that I could rush to a worked-in ultrasound appointment. Thankfully, my husband was able to arrange to come, too, to both wrestle the Fuss and, of course, to be there with me.

Predictably, the ultrasound technician didn't find any evidence of a baby left, asked me a few questions about how much I bled, and then gently explained what she wasn't seeing. With a quiet, "I'm sorry," she told me I could get dressed and left us alone.

My last shred of hope now gone, I broke down for the 15th time that day. Daddy Fuss held me and let me cry against his shirt and the Fuss ran around the room, untethered calling, "Mama? Mama? Mama?"

Thirty percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, according to my midwife. Most of those have problems that would have never have allowed them to develop into a healthy baby. I never saw a heartbeat and it's possible it never developed.

I go back next week for a follow up and bloodwork to verify the HCG has disappeared and my body is aware that I am officially no longer pregnant. I am advised to wait another month before resuming TTC.

My question is this:
If life begins at conception, which I have always been taught from our religious-based discussions, is my baby in heaven? Or without the heartbeat and development of a body, etc. was it just a bunch of tissue that would be the equivalent of the cyst I had removed a few years back? Is my baby waiting for me in heaven? Will I recognize him or her when I get there? Not being very far along, I don't know if it would have been a son or daughter, I don't have a name other than the silly Numfar we gave it as a placeholder. I feel like he or she needs a name, but I don't know what name to give.

I would like to thank my online friends who have been so wonderful today and this past weekend. My "Luckies" girls have been very encouraging and supportive over the last few days and I am very blessed to have them in my life.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I think of the thousands of SAH Moms of generations past and wonder how on earth they did it.... Sometimes it's so tiring and isolating and at least I have my friends inside the computer....
But sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm doing something wrong. Do I have the wrong attitude? Should I spend more time on the floor playing blocks with her? Do I not love her enough? Why is naptime the highlight of my day? Has every mom throughout time wondered these things, or am I alone? Why on earth do I think I can handle another kid?

But then, there are times, like last night when she was sound in her bed (at least until 11) when I just wanted to hold her so bad, it ached... I knew that I do love her "enough" - when I'm apart from her for even a few hours, I miss her. (not that those few hours aren't looked forward to like a kid waiting for Christmas, mind you)