I got the blues

Last night was a bad night's sleep. The horrendous headache I had most of the day yesterday combined with it being Wednesday (late night at church for the kids) and Ladybug being especially fussy caused both my husband and I to stay up past midnight. At some point, Little Man woke up screaming for no apparent reason. After attempting to "top her off" at midnight to help settle her, she didn't start to stir until 4, but didn't wake to eat until 5. Unfortunately, the stirring occasionally in the 4 o'clock hour kept me from fully sleeping during that time and then feeding her and trying to get her to settle (which took awhile) and back pain kept me up until 6. She woke again (having escaped the swaddle) at 6:30. I'm tired. Really tired.

But I got up, put myself together, got Fuss to school on time (a feat lately) and got to Bible study. I was able to make it through Bible study with a happy expression, but once we were in the car and heading home, felt so incredibly drained it was like a huge wave just washed over me. Loneliness, sadness, exhaustion, frustration. I got the blues.

Today, Ladybug is 2 months old. I cannot believe the time has flown so fast.

Snips and snails

I'm struggling. I'm feeling a lot of guilt and negativity.
I was always terrified of having a boy. I don't really know how to handle boys. I don't do sports (at all), I don't like being outside. I don't like noise and chaos and I'm not real good with dinosaurs and trucks and dirt. (Or Snips and snails and puppy dog tails.) I cried when they told me the baby in my belly was a boy, but I got over it fast when she referred to him as my "son." And then Little Man was born and I fell in love with him. We bonded and he was so snuggly and sweet. And he had my red hair, which just sort of added to the bond. And even as he grew, I was still thinking "maybe I can handle this boy thing".

But at this point, I'm so frustrated. I know he's 3, so that adds another dimension of difficulty. But he's LOUD and he's active and did I mention he's LOUD? And NOISY? I feel like I can't handle him most of the time. I feel like I'm constantly telling him to stop, sit down, be quiet, shush, settle down, be still, etc. I'm kind of afraid he's going to get ruined or something because I am constantly telling him to quit doing what seems to come so naturally because it's driving me crazy. I've read several books that talk about how boys need to be wild. They need to explore and be noisy and active, etc. My mom is constantly telling me that he needs to get out and be active more. (which just adds to my guilt of not taking him out more.) But he doesn't just want to be outside, he wants me to run around and be wild with him and that is just not me. At all. As in, I HATE being outside and getting sweaty and dirty. I'm the opposite of athletic. All that stuff makes me miserable. And wow, I sound selfish, don't I?

My husband is trying to help me find someone to watch him a few hours a week to give me a break. I keep thinking "no, I should be able to handle my own child," but then I think how awesome it would be to be able to send him away for a few hours and have someone else wear him out. And then I feel even more guilty, because I'm wanting to send my child away.

I'm feeling like a horrible mother and I'm wishing I knew how to fix it.

Ladybug Arrival

She is here! Our little Ladybug has arrived. On January 20th at 1:11pm, our beautiful daughter came into this world to make us a family of 5. She is a champion eater (she latched on in the first 20 minutes of life and has been eating consistently well ever since. Birth story to come.

A very whiny 37 weeks

I have had a rough pregnancy. No energy. Pain. Nausea that began before the stick got 2 lines and ended only briefly well after the midway point only to return again when I was too large to lean over the toilet when necessary. Six colds in 9 months. Yeah, 6. And now those darn contractions that hurt, take my breath away, come on suddenly and randomly, sometimes way too close only to go away just about the time I'm thinking "hmm, maybe this is it."

There's been good stuff, too, but on a day like today (officially 37 weeks), I can't think of too many of them.
Today, I have had so many contractions that I periodically wonder if this is really just ONE incredibly long contraction and I'm just breathing easier through it at certain points. They have no rhythm, though and most of the time I can talk through the discomfort, so... Every freaking time I move - stand up, sit down, lay down, etc. I get hit with one. And then there is the tightness and pain in my lower back and hips. Seriously, I'm both waddling and limping because I can hardly move.

And today Little Man decided to come down with some sort of complication to his runny nose/mild cough we've been dealing with for a week. After he seemed like he was getting better. Today, he is screaming, telling me his face hurts or his ear hurts, that "he can't" do anything I ask him to do (lay down, swallow medicine, put the warm compress on his ear... despite the fact that all these things are JUST TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER.

Do you know how many times I've had to carry him in the last 48-hours? His compact, but solid, 33 lb little body? I can barely walk straight without him in my arms, and he wants/needs to be carried? I feel like I'm going to break. Like in half.

1000 posts

I just looked at the counter on my blog and noticed that I have 999 posts. So this one is 1000. I remember thinking "I should do something special for my 1000th post" and then more than a month went by and I have got nothing. Oops.

So, welcome to what could potentially be the world's most boring 1000th post. But any post is better than none, yes? Especially since I sort of use this blog as my memory keeper.

I am 32+ weeks pregnant. With my first 2 pregnancies I knew exactly how far along I was at all times. Someone would ask me and I could rattle off "22 weeks, 3 days" or whatever in a matter of seconds. Somewhere along the way, though, I decided that was weird and I'd stick to just the weeks when I answered "oh, about 22 weeks," but I always knew. I even corrected my OB a time or two.

This time, I'm aware, but not as aware. And this past weekend when I was turning 32 weeks? I actually thought I was 33. So, oops! I am counting down the days because I am feeling particularly HUGE and uncomfortable these days. I have no desire for her to arrive TOO early, but if time could fly (I'm sure it will, this being the Christmas holidays and all) I sure would appreciate it!

I am assured by my friends and husband that I am NOT looking as corpulent as I feel. (I feel like a Hippopotomus. A Preggo-potomus if you will.) I am told I look like I'm trying to smuggle a basketball under my shirt. I have gained approximately 9 lbs and hit the dreaded number I never wanted to go over. (My skinny friend uses said number as her example of a really large person and I finally told her "could you tone it down or add 50 pounds because I am rapidly approaching that number and you're making me feel really huge.") I knew I probably would, as I was rather overweight when I started this venture, but I am hopeful that I will remain under 20 lbs gained as I have in the past and be able to shed it pretty well in the early days of postpartum.

I can't bend over anymore. There is just too much baby in my belly. I have trouble sitting leaning forward, too. (Last night, you should have seen me trying to eat my dinner. I ended up leaning back in my recliner and using my belly as a shelf to set my plate on because I could only take about 2 bites before I would have to sit back.) I had to slide my driving seat's back back a notch because I was sitting up too straight while driving and there was too much pressure. I don't remember having to adjust quite as much with previous pregnancies. I think I might be carrying lower? I don't know. She also spends a lot of time tapping my bladder, so I feel like I'm always in the bathroom.

The headaches have started up again in the last week or so. They aren't usually migraine strength, but they are persistent and annoying.

I have been ladybug shopping online like a crazy person. I have pinned and tagged and registered for and watched what feels like every cute ladybug outfit and accessory on the internet (and I know I'm missing things.) I put a lot of thought into her going home outfit - odd, since I favored practicality over appearance with both of my previous babies - and finally have it picked and ordered. It isn't completely unpractical, but seriously, I went for cute, but primarily functional with both of the previous babies. I got lucky and had a decent order for my Thirty-One business last month and got a commission check last week which has covered all my baby-clothes costs to date. (and she actually needed a bunch of the smaller sized clothes since half of Fuss's seem to be missing.)

I am also noticing the nesting tendancies come out. I arrived home from dropping Fuss off at school this morning to notice how filthy my front door looked. I then spent 10 minuted cleaning it with furniture polish. Now I want to paint it because it has seen better days. But I know I don't actually have the time or energy for that. I have been very focused on reorganizing, clearing out and straightening up around the house, but this is hampered at this point by not being able to bend anymore! I did FINALLY get the kids' room reorganized this weekend (I am THRILLED!) And I'm hoping to get more work done in the nursery beginning this coming weekend (although, it is already looking better than it was a month ago thanks to the work I've already done.) I have on Daddy Fuss's To Do list this weekend raising the crib mattress so I can start putting that together. I cannot wait to see how beautiful the cute ladybug bedding I scored looks in there! The weekend after Christmas has already been mentally scheduled for more intensive baby-prep - pulling the bassinet out of the garage and wiping it down and setting it up for her pending arrival.

We still have no dishwasher which is bugging me.

I leave you with this adorable picture of two very sweet and cute kids that is the wallpaper on my phone. I just can't resist their cute smiles!

Confession and self-awareness

I think we all know I am not a good housekeeper. I have been working on it, but it just isn't ingrained in me. I get frustrated by the mess, though. That usually motivates me to action, but during this pregnancy, I haven't had the energy. I had a good dose of energy over the weekend though and got a lot done. I had intended to do a lot more today, but I feel like my day is already falling apart. And I have figured out that my way of coping with stress is to hide and avoid all other stressors, too. Sometimes this includes my kids. Which is awful, I know. But just a few moments ago, I found myself hiding in my room with a book while my son watches Netflix in the other room because I got stressed this morning and overwhelmed.

Avoiding housework isn't helping my situation, since having such a messy house is adding to my stress.

break

It wasn't a bad day. A little crazy, sure, hectic, busy, not exactly as planned, but overall it was fine. Until the afternoon where I just started feeling overwhelmed and nothing was working the way I expected. I am hiding in my room folding laundry and avoiding yelling at the kids. I feel gross and fat and frumpy. I feel neglected and needy. I feel awful.
Part of this is that I have been sick and feeling blah all week. I am sure that lack of sleep is contributing, but I need a break. I need a distraction. I need a little pampering and spoiling and girl time. And it isn't coming. There is nothing In the future that leads me to believe I am going to get the break I need.

Grumpified

It's 5:30PM, so I can honestly say that today is one of those days where I wish I had just stayed in bed. It wasn't disastrous or anything, but it was just... rough. Off. A kerfuffle. Woke up late after multiple, time-consuming wakings by the Little Man during the night. Had an awful dream (to sum it up, it included a grocery bag full of dog poop) at the end of my sleep, so I woke up in a bad mood... and then it all just kept coming apart. We were late. Very late. I stopped off to kill the hour before Bible study (which I wasn't really in the mood for) and finish my homework, but I couldn't find my homework. Which meant I couldn't join in the discussion in small group. While we were at Chik-fil-A, Little Man kept needing to go potty, so my back was killing me from bending over to help him and lifting him up.  My friend wasn't there to gab with (she got a substitute job for the day) and I just... walking up the stairs to childcare was about all I had in me and then I had another 2 hours of sitting and listening... I just...

I lost track of time and was very late to pick up Fuss. I felt awful. All her friends and teachers had already gone, so she was sitting with the small group of leftover older kids and a couple of teachers who remained. She was hot (it was over 90 degrees out, though thankfully she was in the shade and there was a breeze) and I had to run an errand after I picked her up. And on my errand I noticed that I have a knocking sound in my engine and my slow oil leak seems to be increasing to not-so-slow. (My husband also has some car troubles so we're just wracking up the expenses here, folks.) Driving around in the car, I felt the overwhelming need to just cry. Despite the fact that my wonderful husband had tried to cheer me up by informing me he should be home at a decent time and he would make dinner - one of my favorite meals.

The baby has been kicking up a storm all day. This isn't such a bad thing, but it can be exhausting.

I'm just in an awful mood and I can't seem to snap out of it.

Baby, baby, baby

This has been a rough week. Monday, I threw up two times before getting out the door to drop off Fuss at 8am.  I spend most of Tuesday contracting - just not enough to call the doctor. (they say call if you get 7 or more in an hour. I was more like 4-5/hour, but they weren't in any sort of pattern) Some were bad, painful and caused me to stop and need to focus on my breathing. Those ones often caused horrible back pain as well. Most were not that bad, just annoying. I put my feet up and drank lots of water (something I'd been slacking on lately) which would make them stop, but then getting up and moving around a lot again would bring them back. Wednesday brought on much fewer contractions, but lots more round ligament and back pain. I will be glad when this week is over!

I've often said I don't do pregnancy well, but I like the end result (a brand-new, squishy, sweet baby) but I feel every ache, pain, and change in my body as I go through pregnancy. It is all worth it in the end (and I tend to get that wonderful thing called pregnancy amnesia and forget all the hard parts!) but somehow it seems like I'm already (23 weeks tomorrow!) ready for it to be over. :) (do not get me wrong, I don't want her to come this early. Neither she nor I are actually ready for her to come, but part of me wishes I could just fast forward through the next few months, get everything done and ready and not have to focus on the creeping by of the days!)

I managed to score some amazingly beautiful baby bedding at a consignment sale and I'm so excited to start work on the nursery now that I've cleared out some stuff (boy baby clothes) I've been saving. I need to do a lot more clearing, but I am very excited and motivated to do that and get moving in the right direction to set up the space for this baby - and have it done early for once. (both previous pregnancies, I had no way to get their spaces done very far in advance because I was waiting on other people to do big things like painting and building our 3rd bedroom)

Pregnancy Update

Blah. In the past week, the daily, repeated nausea and gagging have lessened immensely, but I've randomly thrown up twice. Both times with uncomfortable stomachs immediately prior (so I have a little warning) but with no apparent REASON behind it (not actually sick, didn't really eat anything funny, motion sickness, etc.). I've had a few random gagging episodes, but they are much fewer and farther between now, so really, I'm not complaining too much. Anything to get through this morning sickness. I know that some have it much worse - I had a friend who had to be hospitalized for dehydration during her 2nd pregnancy due to the extremeness of her morning sickness - but this has certainly been the worse of the 3 for me and I really don't like it.

In more happy news, I've been feeling her kick a LOT more lately (she does NOT like to be squished, for example), but it's not quite strong enough yet to feel outside my stomach, so no one else has yet had the pleasure. (Fuss is dying to feel the baby kick.) The occasional contraction have also begun to be more apparent, but nothing I can't handle and when they get real intense, I know I've done too much for the day and I sit down and put my feet up and drink a glass of water and all is well.

I've also been a lot more gassy than I remember in the past. Actually, funny story, the other night my stomach was feeling so tight and painful and it felt like really strong contractions. Not like 8cm dilated, but certainly a lot stronger than I felt I should be feeling at 21 weeks along. It was the middle of the night and I had just put Little Man back to bed AGAIN and I was really hurting. I was worried. Running though my head "should I wake up my husband? Do I call the Dr's service? They're just going to tell me to go get checked out at the hospital. Which mom should we call to watch the kids while we go?" And then, I discovered it was gas. A LOT of gas, but just gas. Oops. Good thing I didn't go to all the trouble of waking anybody up!

Preggo-pottomus

I don't like my pregnant body. Of course, I don't really like my not pregnant body. Seeing how overweight I am, this is probably not a shocker. But I do like the excuse of pregnancy not to HATE my large tummy, so I'm hoping for some good to come out of this. I haven't eaten as well this pregnancy (who am I kidding? I feel like there are days when I haven't eaten at all) as I have in the past, but I didn't start gaining pounds until the midpoint, though I was certainly gaining girth in that time. I am hoping that the breast feeding metabolism and all that will help me on the way to losing some, if not all, of my excess weight post-pregnancy.

Anyhow, I see all these cute pregnant women taking these maternity photos and I can't imagine doing that. I feel gross and frumpy ALL the time. My clothes feel rumpled, my face feels old, my hair feels blah. ALL THE TIME. I don't want to remember this part. I don't even really want to look in the mirror.

The heat is getting to me. On the rare occasions that I start the day with decent looking hair and make up, I feel like 15 minutes out my front door and my hair has frizzed and my make up has melted off and what was the point again? I actually skipped shaving my legs for about 2 weeks just because I couldn't be bothered. My whole life is in chaos and sometimes I wonder what the point is of trying?

I've read some inspirational stuff about organizing and cleaning lately and I'm mentally motivated to get my house in order (the beginning of nesting I assume - or maybe just fed up with the chaos?) but I have NO energy, my back hurts SO much that I can hardly walk half the time, let alone bend over and pick up the million things all over the floor in the house. My body is betraying me and I'm only halfway done with this pregnancy.

Grieving

Last night I got word that a girl from our school (where my husband and I grew up, met, graduated from, where Fuss goes to Kindergarten) was in a serious injury involving a Jet Ski hitting the raft she was on in the lake near here. Her mom was my high school English teacher and one of my mentors (she was the Journalism sponsor and I was newspaper editor my Sr year). Her mom actually took maternity leave with her during my final semester at school.

I've been fervently praying for her life-threatening injuries all night/morning. I just heard that she passed away this morning.

I barely know the girl, but no 15-year-old child should have to die. I knew her mother, once-upon-a-time and still see her regularly, though only to wave in passing as I'm driving through campus after dropping off or picking up Fuss.

I am devastated. I cannot seem to stop crying. If this is due to my hormones/lack of sleep/being sick (I seem to have come down with yet another cold) I don't know, though of course it is terribly sad. Maybe just being a mother makes me more linked to the grief that has got to be wracking this family right now. I cannot imagine losing my child. I can't imagine how they must be feeling to have a fun Labor Day activity end so tragically. It makes me want to rush to the school and pick up Fuss early just so I can hug her.

Little Man keeps asking why I'm crying and there is no way to explain it to a 3-year-old. (he turned 3 yesterday - I can hardly believe it). It makes me so sad to think that any of my children could possibly ever be hurt. Makes me want to live in and keep them in a bubble.

Very few details have been made known to the public other than that her father was pulling she and a friend in a raft (I saw a picture, it was a good-sized inner tube-style raft) from a boat and a man on a Jet Ski ran into them. I cannot even imagine how that was possible unless the Jet Ski driver was grossly negligent. All the news says is "Deputies to not believe alcohol was a factor at this time." Makes me want to do something crazy like petition to ban Jet Skis.

I just can't my mind around this.

Top TV

April recently did a post (from the Bring Back the Words link up) about her Top 10 favorite TV shows. It inspired me.

1. Gilmore Girls: This will probably be my all-time favorite show for years to come. I have a lot of really great memories from this show - some of which include my mom and I having out Mother/Daughter Date Night watching it, and including my "sister" for a year or so until she moved to Sweden. We even continued our Date Nights into my first year of marriage while my husband either stayed home and had some alone time or hung out with my stepdad. We had pizza and margaritas and tried to never miss. (and the one time we had to was the episode where Rory and Lorelai kept missing each other and playing phone tag the whole time and it was so sad and both mom and I cried when we watched it later.)
2. Veronica Mars: Who doesn't love a story about a spunky high-school/college girl who is a kick ass Private Investigator in her spare time? Love me some Logan. Love me some Piz. I've recently gotten one of my best friends addicted to this show (despite the fact that it's been over for years) and we (my husband, M, and I are all awaiting with baited breath for the release of the Kickstarter-funded reunion movie to come out at the beginning of 2014. I'm really hoping it comes out before the baby arrives, but if she's still tiny, don't think I won't drag her to the theater with me and nurse her through any noises she may need to make.) Also please note that the first episode I ever saw was the season 3 episode that starred Gilmore Girls Matt Czuchry. Don't think that was a coincidence.
3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: See previous comment about the spunky high school/college girl who is a kick ass PI and substitute Vampire Slayer for PI. I wasn't allowed to watch the show when I was still in high school, because my mom was kind of over-protective and felt that vampire stuff was inappropriate for a "child." I have since seen every episode multiple times, own about half of them, can quote many, many lines from all 7 years and can sing every note of the songs from the musical. (I also own the CD of the soundtrack and think Joss Whedon is brilliant.)
4. House, MD: My husband and I found this show quite by accident in the early days of our marriage. It was running once per week (Fridays at 10pm, I think?) on the USA station we frequently watched after work. We watched one episode (3 Stories. One of the best episodes ever anyhow.)  and were hooked. We discovered that Season 2 was starting in prime time that fall and became avid watchers for the life of the series. We felt it went downhill in a few places and agreed that it was time to move on by the time the series ended, but stayed with it up until the end, regardless.
5. NCIS: Again, something we picked up from syndication on the USA network. I actually became interested because I saw that Sasha Alexander (a recurring actress from an early season of Dawson's Creek) was on it, but ironically, the first episode I ever saw was Kill Ari: Part 2, where the team is trying to avenge her (Kate's) death. She was in the episode as sort of a memory/vision to the members of the team, but it was her final appearance. We've watched all the first-run episodes, too, though there was a season we seemed to have missed a lot of (not sure why.)
6. Sherlock: To say that I (and my husband) are fans of this show is an understatement. We have added the term "Cumberbatched" to our everyday vocabulary. We've watched through the series (that they have on Netflix - oh, Netflix, how we love thee!) several times now. I am psyched for the next season and wish those British folks would HURRY UP! They left me hanging and it's driving me bonkers.
7. Burn Notice: To be honest, I didn't want to watch this show when it started. My experiences with Jeffrey Donovan up to that point were not likeable characters. But we both LOVE this show. (We're considering naming an eventual dog we may get in several more years either Westen or Fiona) A little sad that it's ending this season, but since it's gotten pretty far from the original concept now, it may be time. It's had a great run.
8. White Collar: This show (another USA network original) reminds me a lot of Burn Notice only with less BOOM! and more classy cons. We love us some Neal Caffrey. And Tiffani Theissen (aka Kelly Kapowski from Saved By The Bell) all grown up? Love her.
9. Suits: Yes, yet another USA original. We love their programming. My husband liked this one from the start, but I was little more hesitant. The two main male characters are so flawed and Harvey really isn't all that likeable, considering he's kind of a conceited ass. But it's really grown on me and I want to be Donna ("it's a name AND a title") when I grow up. It doesn't hurt that she's a redhead.
10. Beverly Hills, 90210 (the original and the only one worth watching): Again, I wasn't allowed to really watch this when I was a teen, but my best friend was, so I'd go to her house on the weekends where she had taped it (yes, taped.) and we'd watch it often enough that I mostly knew what was going on. They also had book versions of some of the early years/plotlines and somehow, my mom either didn't mind or didn't notice when I'd read those. Years later, they ran in syndication on FX in the mornings (as did Buffy once 90210 had played out) and I was able to see the entire series. My college best friend named her son Dylan because we are the 90210 generation. I watched the first season of the re-make version for nostalgia when they had Kelly, Brenda and Donna in a few episodes, but it's not the same thing.
11. Downton Abbey: I am not a huge fan of this type of thing usually, but so many of my friends with excellent taste wouldn't stop talking about this show on the internet, so we tried it out when season 1 came to Netflix. We're hooked. We were able to borrow the DVDs of Seasons 2 and 3 from a friend and have been going through them over the last few days.
12. Switched At Birth: My husband and I took a couple semesters of American Sign Language in college. We loved learning the language and also about the deaf culture. This show has a TON of ASL (including one episode where they didn't speak at all, and did it all in ASL until the very last line of the show) and is often dealing with issues surrounding deaf culture. In addition, it has Lea Thompson and "April" (Vanessa Marano from Gilmore Girls) as two of the stars. I can even get my husband to watch this show and he is usually bored with teen dramas.
13. M.A.S.H.: An oldie, but a goodie. I grew up watching the re-runs of this show with my dad. I loved it, even as a kid. And when my kids first started talking about Hawkeye (from The Avengers) I was really confused because I thought they were talking about Alan Alda's character. I still can't watch the series finale without crying.
14. The Big Bang Theory: My SIL and BIL got us hooked on this show that I never would have watched otherwise. I love Geek humor, but to me, modern sitcoms are crap. Mostly they are crass or inappropriate for slightly more conservative (like me) audiences, so I don't bother. But while this has it's inappropriate moments, mostly they keep it pretty clean (and I can handle some crassness) and I just love Leonard and Penny.
15. Lie To Me: Another cancelled show, short-lived, but excellent. I have no idea how we found it, but it was right up our alley. We use some of the lessons we learned in reading people and it's fun to guess if they are telling the truth or not. 
16. Dawson's Creek: Maybe I'm the tiniest bit embarrassed to admit how much I loved this show. And, admittedly, the early seasons could have been better, but there was magic to that cast and as they grew together and grew up... I recently re-watched the whole thing (Netflix, you beautiful thing!) and it was still moving and meaningful and I like to declare that their series finale was one of the top 10 best series finales EVER. And who doesn't love Katie Holmes and Joshua Jackson?

Honorable mentions:
Friends: Who doesn't love Friends? It's one of those shows that you can just watch anytime you happen to come across it. I actually came across a rerun I'd never seen before the other day and it was great!
Flashpoint: This was recommended to us by my friend M and we watched it on Netflix, having not really synced up with it's prime-time schedule yet. We love it, and we love that Enrico Colantoni "plays a SWAT Team leader as Keith Mars playing a SWAT Team leader." 
Bar Rescue: Did you notice a distinct lack of "Reality TV" in my list? Yeah, there's a reason for that. We both can't stand most "reality" TV. But we've recently gotten into this and watch it frequently. We feel like we've learned a lot about business and bars in general - and it always makes me want to visit these made-over bars and eat bar food and try new cocktails (a problem since I'm currently not drinking!)

Dramatic little girls

My routine OB visit turned scary (but I promise, all is well now) this week. And solidified even further my preference for the women in the office I go to.

You see, my OB's office has 2 male MDs, 2 female Certified Nurse Midwives and one Nurse Practioner who does GYN stuff, but doesn't deliver babies so she doesn't get much of the prenatal care either. (I go to her for all my non-pregnant stuff. I adore her.) One of the doctors I refer to as Speedy Gonzalez. He's very nice, pleasant, and whatnot, but he always seems to be in a hurry, talks fast, etc. Doesn't hurt that he's short, too. He's a good guy, and probably a great doctor (others who have had him in the delivery room have said he's great), but I just feel like he's always rushed. The other doctor has always been calm and soothing. He has a very calm, peaceful demeanor, etc. He actually delivered my firstborn (he was on call that day) and everything was fine. (though now that I think about it, when I had a tiny scar issue post-partum, I felt like he all but rolled his eyes at me because the tiny area that was bothering me (and caused me to have horrible pain during sex) was apparently so miniscule that he thought I shouldn't be bothered at all by it. But he did fix it and things got much better, so apparently, I wasn't hallucinating.)

Anyway, he apparently has a hard time getting the dopplar to work well when the baby is still small. And he got awfully tense when he couldn't seem to make it work at all and rushed me into an ultrasound with whispers to the ultrasound tech that he thought something was very wrong.

I'd already been having dreams over the last few weeks that I lost the baby, so this certainly didn't alleviate my concerns and for about 15 minutes, I was quite worried and I'm sure this didn't do my blood pressure any favors.

But all was well - we saw her dancing around, saw her little heart flickering away and were able to turn up the volume and hear her delightful heartbeat.

Of course, this meant that I didn't have the chance to ask any of the questions I had planned to ask about these awful, daily, debilitating headaches. Or why I have no appetite. But you know, whatever.

Starting the drama even before she is born.

More preggo ramblings

I think even my mommy friends might be getting sick of my pregnancy woes. To be honest, I think I'm sick of them myself. This pregnancy has been difficult for me - not because it's full of dangerous complications or anything (I have had none of the drama or concerns of many of the stories I have heard) but because it just seems to have worn me out.

I remember when I was pregnant with Fuss, the exhaustion of the first trimester just knocked me down. I was working a traditional full-time office job at the time and couldn't really rest during the day so I'd come home, sit down on the couch and fall asleep. Every. Single. Day. And I remember waiting for the 2nd trimester "energy" to come - and it didn't. Okay, so I didn't fall asleep at 6:15 every evening. But energy? Not so much.

I seem to have the same issue now. Where's the energy, folks? I'm wiped out each day. And the pains in my body (I messed up my sacrum last week and limped around for 2-3 days before going to the chiropractor and getting some amazing relief.), the daily headaches of late, and the still-present nausea and sensitive gag reflex are really just wearing me out! My husband has had to do the dishes because I absolutely cannot handle the smell of old food right now. Makes me gag and retch and vomit over and over. (he loaded a particularly smelly set into the dishwasher this morning and I made the mistake of opening the door to put one more item inside. I was leaning over the sink for several minutes on the one whiff I caught.)

I don't do pregnancy well. I seem to forget that in between each one, having some sort of pregnancy euphoria and only remembering the good parts (wearing comfy, stretchy maternity clothes, the feel of the baby moving within me, picking out and preparing tiny baby clothes, soft blankets, the feel of newness to everything...) and then all this misery is magically wiped from my memory until I'm going through it again.

I'm determined to have most, if not all, of my prep work done for this baby ahead of time. I've always wanted to get most of it done weeks ahead, but something (or someone) has prevented me the previous times. (Depending on someone else to pain the nursery when I was pregnant with Fuss and the room construction going on when I was pregnant with Little Man.) Since we still have many of the clothes Fuss wore and lots of the supplies, it shouldn't be too difficult to do my prep work ahead of time. And since we officially moved Little Man into Fuss's room (now The Kids Room) over the weekend, now all I have to do is clear out the nursery (half of which has been used as some sort of chaotic storage of late) and start moving baby things into it. I'm a little nervous about the potential threat of bedrest that my midwife warned me about because of my high blood pressure this time. And I don't want to be dependent during the holidays (as Christmas is exactly one month prior to my due date) on asking other people to do this for me.

But at the same time, I feel like I'm further along than I am. I feel like... knowing she's a girl so early, having a lot of stuff available already, etc. and I'm not even to the halfway point... it's throwing me off!

And now I feel like I'm not on the same page as anyone else when it comes to her name. I found out last week that the nickname I was planning to nearly-exclusively use for her is not the favorite nickname of my husband. My in-laws are, at best, lukewarm on the name. I'm seriously considering changing the middle name (as I explained to my husband that if we hadn't already announced the other one to the family, I would have already changed it. But I don't want them to think "she changed her mind on the middle name, maybe we can get her to change her mind on the first name, too!" and then start campaigning for their choices.) I got all emotional when I was talking to my husband about this and he really thinks it's a non-issue. But I'm frustrated by the whole thing and getting so upset about it and I can't tell if I'm just hormonally-driven and being irrational or if he's just shrugging it off and not caring because he doesn't want to fight about it and is sick of being in the middle between his family and me.

And that's pretty much my story. I feel like I'm always questioning if my actions are normal and rational right now or if I'm in an irrational hormonal-driven mess. It's not a fun way to go through life.

Name and Dog - not naming the dog

I'm still dealing with naming drama from the in-laws over here. And I still haven't told my dad the baby's name. I'm ready to just say "SHUT UP! This is her name. Take it, like it, embrace it, or DON'T TALK TO or ABOUT her!" One of the other SILs made a joking comment the other day and I got really sensitive about it. My logical side knows she probably was just joking. But people thinking that they have any say in what we name our child is really pissing me off.

Right now, I'm still waffling on the middle name. The original one we picked (and announced) was simple, short, sweet and pretty much accomplished our initial plan without any frills. The alternative I'm considering is longer, frillier, fancier. It's almost like choosing a tomboy vs. a girly-girl name. They accomplish the same thing (putting all the initials together to represent each of my SILs and our grandmothers who also have the same initials) but it's the debate of the more frilly or the simple. And since the first name can go either way really (I've seen both girly-girls with this name and also tomboy/athletes) I'm trying to figure out how I want it portrayed.

In other news, I have finally had it with my dog. He's not a bad fellow, but he tends to pee in inopportune places (or poo in more extreme cases) when I'm not giving him enough or immediate attention (like at 3am when we're sleeping or when we're not home.) And we have had a bug problem since before we moved here, but it's gotten worse with our rather large backyard that seems to be a bug-haven. I have no energy to put into spending time with this dog, so he gets ignored a lot (unless Little Man is following him around the house to "pet" him.) and he really deserves a better life. I have tried to find him a home. He's good with kids, in that he doesn't bite or react to them when they mess with him, but he's older (13) and isn't really a playful sort, so he's not the type that a kid can play games with or whatever. He'd be a great companion to an older person who likes to occasionally take leisurely walks, but mostly likes to sit on the couch and knit/read/watch TV and might want to give a nice dog some behind-the-ears scratches while he or she does that.

Since I've had no luck with finding him a home via my friends, family, or acquaintances, I'm ready to take him to a shelter. It's a decision I've struggled with - he's old enough that it might not be easy for even THEM to find him a home and then... well, I try not to think about what might happen if they cannot place him. But I finally came to this decision and now my husband is dragging his feet.

And my husband is awesome, don't get me wrong. But I'm the one who has to deal with the dog every day. I'm the one who threw up on the front stoop the other day while cleaning up a particularly gross temper-tantrum display. And then there was the 2 days we had to close the door to the nursery (really only used at this point for diaper changes - I had to remove the diapers and wipes, etc. to change Little Man in the Living Room) before my husband could get to cleaning up the most recent tantrum the dog threw. (All over the freaking floor in there. I couldn't do it. So gross. Human bodily fluids are bad enough.) (Even now, thinking about it, I'm gagging at the computer.)

I cannot do this anymore. I can't have 2 active children, a baby in utero who seems determined to wear me out even BEFORE she arrives AND a dog who is too impatient at times to wait a little longer to go outside. (Oh, and he's a wuss, so if it's raining or wet grass in the back yard, he has made it habit to attempt to do his business in my laundry room. Also a major problem contributing - though not solely responsible for - to my falling behind on the laundry.)

Naming

When I was a little girl, I loved reading my mom's old Bobbsey Twin Mystery books. For those unfamiliar, the Bobbsey family had 2 sets of boy/girl twins - Nan and Bert (the older two) and Freddie and Flossie (the younger two). They solved mysteries a lot.

Somehow, I got it into my head that when I got older I wanted sets of twins for my own offspring. Only I wanted THREE sets of twins - preferrably boy/girl twins - for my own family. That's right, 6 kids. Yeah.

But it was really more about the naming of said children. The names of sets 2 and 3 changed periodically and I can no longer remember what any of those choices were. But the oldest two remained the same throughout my crazy fantasy-dreams. They were the names of my parents, R and A.

I think this might have been about the time (no, the ages don't match up...) I promised my mom that my first girl would be named after her. Maybe I'd already made that promise.

Anyhow, years (and years) later, I'm incredibly grateful that I never had twins (yes, in some ways, it would have been cool, but I remember when Fuss was born being suddenly incredibly grateful that God had not given me TWO of her. I would have had a nervous breakdown. I can still vividly remember the first moments I had her all to myself (we were home from the hospital and my husband had just gone to lay down) and the dog jumped on me and nearly knocked me down with her in my arms and I started wailing "I can't do this! I'm no good at this! They're going to take her away from me!" (no idea who "they" were) - I'm sure if there had been two I would have succumbed to that a LOT earlier. And more repeatedly.

But here's the ironic thing - when we were planning the name for our 3rd child? The girl name was my mom's (with a cute nickname) and the boy name had my dad's name in it (the only thing we knew for sure was that my dad's name was going to be in it - it alternated between being the first or middle name and we couldn't seem to decide on whatever the other name was going to be... good thing we found out she's a girl!)

We announced our girl's name to the family the other night. We were so excited! We thought they'd LOVE it. (I still haven't figured out how to tell my dad his 3rd grandchild is going to have his ex-wife's name. Oops.) And other than my mom, we didn't get the reactions we were expecting. Some luke-warm to actually negative responses. (at one point when we were explaining how we came up with our choices, my one SIL started guessing and guessed the name Janelle. The next day, my MIL told my husband, "you know, I like Janelle better." That's nice. We didn't.)  I actually feel like reminding them "did it sound like we were just CONSIDERING this name or when we said 'our baby's name is: ___________________.'? Did you think we were asking for your opinion?"

Now, I have had one minor re-think on her middle name. Something one of them said to my husband was an alternative (actually, I take that back, it inspired an alternative. She actually suggested that we use a different middle name and then just flip them - so my mom's name was the middle name instead of the first name.) I hadn't yet considered and I actually like it. So now I keep going back and forth. Part of me is being stubborn. "No, we put a lot of thought and consideration into this. THIS is the name." and part of me is thinking "well, this might be better. It's a little more "fun" and different without being crazy."

My husband has left the choice up to me. His "first boy of the family" choice was set in stone even before we got married, so he figures that it's only fair that I get to make the final choice in all the rest. Especially since I'm SUCH a name-addict. I'm still struggling with the middle name.

Either way, I'm already thinking of ladybugs for some reason - sort of obsessively. And I've kind of started thinking of her as my little Ladybug. So she already has a cutesy nickname.

Writing and tiny people

Writing. I'm trying to get back into the habit. I'd really like to finish my novel. I've been reading some amazing books (reruns - this is the 3rd time in my life that I've read this particular series) - and I am so moved by the story. Now, none of my personal ideas come close to the type of story that this is (WWII historical fiction) but even the characters and the way the author develops them make me feel like we are old friends and THAT is what I want in my own stories. I've always been very character-focused in my own writing and my deepest desire is to have someone read my writing and feel like they know the character.

In other areas of my life, I'm so excited to find out the gender of the baby I am carrying. We should find out next week some time, as the results from the DNA blood test should arrive some time between next Tuesday and next Friday. (I'm hoping.) We'll also get to "see" our baby on an ultrasound next Wednesday.

Unplanned

My day did not go as planned today, but at least I wasn't in the dark place of yesterday morning. As a bit of an update, my somewhat former BFF called yesterday and I forced myself out of the house to meet her at the park and it at least lifted my mood, even as the Florida heat lifted my temperature.

But today! The kids and I got ready in a timely fashion and did our limited-and-on-a-budget-but-still-fun Target run. Thankfully we did that early because my mom called just before 11 with news that she had fallen, broken her shoulder and could I please drive up to the far Harbor she worked in (about 30-40 minutes from me depending on traffic) and pick her up, because she couldn't drive.

So we hopped in the car and drove up to get her.

My mom is lucky in that she works as a nurse in a hospital-related clinic and is surrounded by Dr's and nurses who were able to get her preferential treatment after her injury. She is not so lucky in that my step-dad ended up being kind of an ass about the whole thing, so that's not good, but at least he isn't harassing her right now and is letting her sleep and read in relative peace at home. My husband? Would have dropped everything to make sure I was taken care of and in as little pain as possible, given the circumstances.

My nausea was manageable today - I had a moment or two where I thought the contents of my stomach might make a reappearance, but overall, things were okay. The heat doesn't help. But my mom keeps her house positively frigid, so while I was there with her, at least, things were nice and comfy!

Isolation

I never made a conscious decision to stop blogging and/or being an active part of the blog community, but a couple of years ago when I was dealing with depression and working on getting myself back to normal, it just sort of happened. I wasn't as interested in living my life inside the computer as I had been. The problem is, I actually LOVE writing and since I've been blocked for what seems like ages now, my blogging was the only thing that was keeping me writing on a regular basis. I stopped being a daily reader of many of the blogs I'd grown to think of as friends - partially because despite the fact that I was incredibly active and loyal, I still felt that these "friends" were so distant from me (not just physically, since many of them are living in states far removed from mine) and that wasn't helping my isolation feelings when trying to find my balance.

I'm having a rough day today. I find myself wanting to do nothing, go nowhere, talk to no one. If I had my way, I'd tell the kids to fend for themselves - or better yet - send them somewhere with a qualified and responsible babysitter - and hide in my room all day. I'd read, I'd sleep, I'd watch some stupid, mindless TV and I'd be fine. I'm hoping that this isn't a new permanent state of affairs - that I'm just having a bad day fueled by the pregnancy blahs, the heat (man, is it hot outside) and the iffy-ness our air conditioning unit.