Strollers, Stress, and Struggles

It’s horrible to think this, but every once in awhile when my back starts to ache or get really tense, or I’m leaning over the toilet or my head is pounding every time I inhale – I’d better have a great baby.
I always thought being pregnant would be fun. I didn’t think gaining weight would matter to me, though I knew I likely wouldn’t feel sexy, etc. I didn’t think my self image would really make me unhappy, etc. I expected some morning sickness – but I used to get terrible bouts of motion sickness as a child and so early on learned to deal with throwing up and moving on, knowing that I would feel better when it was over. I never expected to not feel uncomfortable or even a little added pain and pressure. But I’m not even half way through this pregnancy, and I’m already aware that I’m really not liking being pregnant.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful that I am able to have a baby at all. I know that there is nothing (so far) that I wouldn’t do again if I was promised a healthy baby in the end. But pregnancy fun? Uh uh.

I’ve also started to think about the end of this pregnancy more and more. I’m not dwelling on the “how” yet – though I’ve given some more thought to waiting a little longer to request my epidural, etc. even to see if I can get through the majority of contractions before getting it at all (I’m doubting it, but I might be willing to try – we’ll have to see). But I have to tell you that carrying this baby for 40 or more weeks on the off chance she/he arrives late scares the crap out of me. My sisters 3rd baby was late and in Sweden they don’t induce hardly at all no matter what. I always expected my pregnancies to go like my BFF K – both of her boys came early, but the more I think about it – the more I realize that that is an unrealistic expectation – I have no indication that my pregnancy will end early or any reason to believe it will.

My chest has grown again. One of my favorite bras has been mostly outgrown – it leaves it’s outline on my body when it is removed. Unfortunately, it’s my only black one, so I have to keep wearing it until I have both time and money to go replace it.

I’m struggling with whether or not I want to purchase a pregnancy pillow or not. I really want to, but they seem so expensive to me and I’m afraid that I’ll get it and end up not liking it enough, or something.

I picked out my stroller this weekend and I’m very excited. We haven’t yet purchased it, but I know which one I want and we are going to start budgeting for it. It’s a Graco, middle of the line travel system and I cannot wait to bring it home. I am so proud of myself for hanging in there and doing the research and trying it out, etc. and finally making a decision. Mr. Moose saw it online and agreed with my choice.

Mortality

I learned yesterday that an old friend – 21-years-old – died over the weekend. The details are sketchy as to what happened/caused it other than something shocking, physical (not a car accident or murder) and unexpected. She had a loving family and fairly newly wed husband. My first reaction was that of disbelief. My mom called with 3rd or 4th hand news of the death. We weren’t close, but I’ve known her and her sister since they were in nursery school/toddler care at church. And now that she’s been married, I ran into her more often in married circles so that I’ve seen her several times over the last year. When my mom told me I was like “you’ve got it wrong. I just saw her last month!” You never imagine a sudden medical issue to pop up in a 21-yr-old.

It brought up the subject of our own mortality. Mr. Moose and I have been discussing who the guardian of our child will be if something happens to both of us. It’s a hard decision for us, since none of our choices are the perfect ideal situation. Our current choice is one of his sisters who is incredibly responsible and though while not married (or in a serious relationship) would make an excellent parent. My worry for her is that in the case of nothing changing, it would make her a single parent and that none of us know what her future might hold as far as job or spouse, etc. We plan to talk it over with her a little further along in the pregnancy. I know she will be honored, but I don’t know if she will have the same concerns or if she will just simply take it on as a responsibility. We desperately want whomever takes our child in that situation to make sure that my side of the family is still a part of the child’s life.

My doctor’s appointment today went well and I got all my major questions answered. My lack of weight gain is fine and reasonably healthy since I started out overweight to begin with. He also assured me that the changes in my chest area are completely normal, no matter how much it surprised me! I still don’t like it (it feels weird, okay?!), but I feel better about it.

Boobs, weight gain and a really quick post

A quick post to give some pregnancy updates, but I'll try and get back in another day or so to recap my weekend in Nashville with the extended in-law family.

I'm still feeling huge, but I still haven't gained anything. Appt w/ doc tomorrow and I plan to ask him about it. I'm not worried, but I feel like in some way I should be gaining now that I'm not throwing up all the time. (Still get gaggy occasionally and feel nauseous, but at least I'm not throwing up every day.) I still can't eat huge meals in one sitting, but I'm hungry more often than I was, i think.

I had a weird experience last night (TMI alert) when getting ready for bed I glanced in the bathroom mirror at my undressed self. My chest, specifically the darker area around my nipples was looking oddly shaped and discolored. When I touched it, it felt solid to my fingers and odd, almost like slightly numb. In my research and discussion on the preggo boards I discovered that my milk ducts are starting to do something and that it's at least slightly normal, though I felt like it was awfully early for all that. (Apparently not). I was really freaked when it happened last night, but I'm calmer now. It feels weird - it's a very odd sensation and I'm concerned that during the course of our playing something is going to leak out onto Mr. Moose, but I'm sure we'll both survive. He's been very sweet and supportive and he had to calm me down last night when I first noticed it.

15 weeks tomorrow and going to the doctor for my monthly check up. I'm a little worried about my first visit w/ the only male doc in the practice (also the head of the practice), but I've been assured that he's very nice. Lots of questions for him...